


The Storyteller

by Zabn



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Germany, Alternate Universe - High School, Frank & Monica are responsible parents, Ian and Mickey are both 17, Ian's an only child, Ian's not bipolar, James "Jimmy" Lishman works for the SSO, Karen is Ian's best friend, Lip's just a school mate, M/M, Mandy's just 6, Mickey has a horrible past, Natasha's gone, Trevor is a weirdo, Virgin Ian, doesn't take place in Chicago, naïve Ian, who's the murderer?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-27
Updated: 2017-08-26
Packaged: 2018-11-13 16:14:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 97,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11188749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zabn/pseuds/Zabn
Summary: ** This story is an AU, based on one of my favorite books "Der Märchenerzähler" from Antonia Michaelis. **Mickey Milkovich is a misfit, a truant and a dealer. But Ian gets to know another side of the mysterious underdog and falls in love with him. Mickey takes care of his little half-sister Mandy, because their mother disappeared a while ago. Mickey tells the little girl a fairy tale, but with time the boundaries between fantasy and reality become blurred. And reality hits them hard when Mandy's father and the social officer, who worked on Mandy's and Mickey's case, are found dead. What if the fairy tale isn't only a story, but the horrible truth? What if the boy Ian fell in love with is a murderer?





	1. First

There was blood everywhere. On his hands, on her hands, on his shirt, his face, on the tiles.

The little round carpet was soaked with it, it would never be blue again.

He kneed in the blood, he never thought it would be that red, so damn light red. The drops of bloods looked like poppies, a field of poppies.

For how long did he sit there? The red began to dry, the poppies shriveled.

He closed his eyes, he had to think, what should he do next? What should he do first? What was the most important?

The most important was that no one would ever find out that that happened.

Towels. He needed towels, water and a cloth. The splashes on the wall wouldn't go away that easy, they would probably remain between the tiles.

Would someone notice them?

His fingers and nails were dark red from the blood.

He needed a brush. He scrubbed his fingers 'til they were red and burned.

She didn't look at him. That was how she lived - her glace averted.

He threw the towels in the washing machine. She sat there leaned against the wall, she refused to talk to him.

He kneed down in front of her again, took her hand in his and whispers only a word “Where?”

He read the answer in her cold hands: You remember? The forest?

It was spring and all those little white flowers were blooming under the trees. You asked which flowers those were, but I didn't know.

The forest, the only common place we had. We were happy there, just the two of us, you remember. You still remember, right?

“Yeah, I remember.” he whispered and added scarcely audible “Wood anemones, they're called wood anemones, I found that out afterwards."

He picked her up like a little child. She was heavy and light at the same time.

His heart pounded in the rhythm of his fear, he took her out in the night.

Help me! Fucking help me, just this once!

It was cold outside, he could see his breath, the ground wasn't frozen yet, he was lucky.

A weird thought, to have luck, in that February night.

The forest wasn't far away, no one saw, no one was there, no one knew and no one would remember.

There were no flowers, the ground was brown and muddy. It was really dark, dark enough, there were no street lights.

She sat under the trees, she still didn't look at him, she seemed lost in her thoughts.

He got angry. For the third time in that night he kneed down in front of her and he shook her. He tried to pull her up on her feet.

He wanted to yell at her, he yelled at her but just in his mind, mute, with his mouth open.

Fuck, you were the most selfish, most empty-headed human being I knew. What you did is inexcusable.

You knew what would happen. Of course you didn't think about that, oh no, you didn't, your fucking mind only circled around your own little pathetic world.

You found a solution for yourself, but no solution for me, for us, you didn't think a fucking second about that...

Then he cried, cried like a little child, on her shoulder.

She caressed his head, gently, very gently.

But no, it was just a limb.


	2. Ian

It was the first real cold day of winter, when Ian found the doll.

He put on his gloves before he got on his bike. On his way to school, he thought about driving to the sea on midday, just to look if it was already frozen.

It would freeze, if not today, then in a few days. The ice always came in February.

He breathed in the cold air with some kind of childish joy, he brushed the scarf from his face and took away the hat from his head, he got drunk on the cold air 'til he felt dizzy.

He was looking forward to get out his sleigh, Karen would feel too old for that shit, she would say “Jesus, you're going to be 18, you really wanna sit on this fucking sleigh and make a fool out of yourself, honey? You're graduating next summer, you should think about other things.”

Ian smiled when he arrived school and walked up to Karen and Lip, who were sitting on the wall, both of them a cigarette between their fingers.

He leaned against the wall besides them, watched the little clouds, which left his mouth.

“So you're starting, huh?” Lip asked with one of his eyebrows raised.

“No, too busy.” Ian simply answered.

“It's better that way, honey. Once you started you can't stop. It's fucking hell, remember that. Just stay with your air clouds.” Karen stated and breathed out the smoke of her cigarette.

“Seriously guys, why should I start smoking? There are plenty other things to do.” Ian said.

Lip nodded “School, huh?”

“Yeah that too.” Ian said facilely.

He knew exactly that Lip wouldn't get it, but he didn't care. He couldn't explain to Lip that he was thinking about driving to the sea, that he needed to know if it was already frozen, that he was thinking about his sleigh, Lip just wouldn't get it.

“It's late, we should go to class.” Lip said, stubbed out his cigarette and blew his hair out of his face.

Lip was perfect, he was tall, he was slim, he was clever but Ian hated his mouth, that condescending smile. Just like at that moment, right there.

“Should we let our Ukrainian haberdasher know?” Lip asked and nodded towards the bike rack, there squatted a figure in a green military parka, his black woolen hat deep in his face and headphones in his ears.

The cigarette in his hand was almost burned down, Ian asked himself if he didn't recognize it and why he didn't come over to Karen and Lip to have a smoke.

“Milkovich!” Lip shouted “Time to go to class. You coming?”

“Forget it, he doesn't hear you. Lives in his own world. Come on.” Karen said and jumped down from the wall.

They were climbing the stairs with quick steps, suddenly Ian stopped and began “Karen, it's probably a stupid question, but...”

“There are only stupid questions, honey.” Karen said and rolled her eyes.

“Please Karen…” Ian said seriously “Explain the haberdasher to me.”

Karen looked at Milkovich and said “No one can explain this guy. Half of the fucking school wonders why he came here. Isn't he in German class with you?”

“No, I mean the word.” Ian persisted “Why does everybody call him like that? The Ukrainian haberdasher? I've never really thought about that until now.”

“Ian, I gotta go, Mr. Fisher hates it when we're late. Just use your brain and you'll find out what our Ukrainian friend is selling. I give you a clue: he doesn't sell roses.” Karen rolled her eyes.

“Dope?” Ian said and the word sounded so fucking dump out of his mouth “You sure?”

“Jesus, the whole school knows.” Karen answered a little impatient now “Ian, of course I'm sure.” She turned around another time and winked “He became very expensive lately.” With those words Karen disappeared behind the glass door.

Ian stood alone outside “I live in a goddamn bubble.” he thought “The whole fucking school knows things that I don't, but maybe I don't even wanna know these things.”

 

After his last class, he found the doll, later he would think a lot about what would've happened if he wouldn't have found it.

Nothing, probably. Everything would have stayed the same, he would still live in his bubble, in his beautiful, somehow stubborn bubble – but could it all stay the same when you're almost 18? Of course not.

He was waiting for Trevor in the student's room, Trevor wanted to copy some of Ian's transcripts, he always lost his own.

Trevor was a slob with thick glasses and always a little scattered. Ian always thought that somehow Trevor lived in his own bubble, but his was probably steamy.

He wouldn't have found the doll when he wouldn't have waited for Trevor. He wouldn't have found the doll when he wouldn't have searched for the transcripts in his backpack and one of his pencils rolled under the couch. He tried to move the couch, but it was very heavy, it felt like it was made out of stones. He laid down on his stomach and stretched out his hand, he grabbed the doll and pulled her out from underneath the couch.

The doll was sitting on his lap, it felt like she was staring at him. The doll was wearing a blue dress with white flowers on it, the dress looked a little worn out. The doll had blue eyes and it seemed like those eyes had seen a lot, maybe too much, they looked tired and a little scared. Ian brushed the dust out of her red hair.

That's how he sat on the floor, as other students entered the room, he had the feeling to protect the doll from their glances, but that was nonsense.

“Hey guys, does this doll belong to someone here?” he shouted and held up the doll, he spoke those words so loud, the doll seemed to startle 'cause of his loud voice.

“Sure that's my favorite doll, I've been looking for it for days.” Tony shouted with a grin on his face.

“Shut up, it's mine. Without it I can't fall asleep.” Lip scoffed, stood up and grabbed the doll from Ian's hand.

“Yo Lip, give it to me.” someone yelled and the doll flew through the air, Ian stood there and looked how the doll was flying from one to the other, how they laughed about her.

His stomach churned.

“Fucking stop it.” Ian screamed “Stop it, she belongs to a little kid, you can't … What if you break her? ... she belongs to someone. You're acting like some fucking idiots.”

The other students laughed.

“Catch it.” Tony shouted and threw the doll in the direction of Ian, Ian didn't catch her but Trevor did. He gave him the doll, and Ian gave him the transcripts, he wanted to copy.

“Thanks, Trev.” Ian said, Trevor smiled and he had this pleading glimpse in his eyes, Ian knew exactly what that meant.

 

Ian sat there with the doll in front of him, the other students were already gone, the room was empty and quiet. Ian took a deep breath and his eyes were wandering out the window, over the school area to the trees, back to the room.

He startled, he didn't recognize the figure before, it was Milkovich, the Ukrainian haberdasher and he was looking at him.

Ian swallowed, he was still wearing the black woolen hat, he wore a Böhse Onkelz hoodie. Ian knew nothing about him, he only knew that he came here a few months ago from another school. He didn't even remember his first name.

They were alone and suddenly Ian became scared. Ian's fingers clawed into the doll.

Milkovich cleared his throat and said something Ian didn't expect “Be careful with her.”

“What?” Ian asked stunned with raised eyebrows.

“You're holding her too tightly. Be careful with her.” Milkovich repeated.

Ian looked at his hands, his fingers were still clawed into the doll, he understood and let loose, the doll fell to the floor.

Milkovich shook his head, stood up and walked up to Ian - Ian sat there stiff, not able to move, frozen – he bent down to pick up the doll.

He picked her up and said “It was me. I lost her. Get it?”

“No.” Ian said honestly and looked with wide eyes at the other boy.

Milkovich shook his head again “Of course not.” He looked at the doll as if she was alive, then he went back to his seat, opened his backpack and put the doll carefully inside.

He grabbed out a cigarette, but remembered that he wasn't allowed to smoke there, shrugged and put the cigarette back.

“So if the doll is really yours, than everything's okay and I can leave now. Don't have any classes anymore today.” Ian stood up.

Milkovich nodded. But Ian didn't go, he stood there, as if something was holding him back.

This was one of these moments he couldn't explain afterwards, not to himself, not to anyone else. What happened, just happened.

He stood there so long, that Milkovich had something to say “Thanks.”

“Thanks for what?” Ian asked, he wanted an explanation.

“Thanks for finding her.” the other boy nodded towards his backpack.

“Yeah…uhm…you're welcome.” Ian said “I...” Ian shook his head, he tried to force a little laugh, a laugh with which he could save a conversation that ended before it even started.

“You look like you want to rob a fucking bank.” Ian said and Milkovich looked confused at him so Ian continued “With that hat, I mean.”

“It's cold.” Milkovich shrugged and bit down his bottom lip.

“Inside here?” Ian grinned.

Milkovich was still looking at him, he took the hat from his head, very slowly, as if it was a ritual, his hair was black.

Ian forgot that it was black, he wore that hat all the time. Since a week? Or two? Normally his hair was very short, but now it reached to his ears.

“The doll, I thought… I thought she belongs to a little girl.” Ian stuttered and scratched his eyebrow with his thumb.

Milkovich nodded “Of course, she belongs to a little girl.”

Now he was the one who was grinning “What? You thought she belongs to me?”

In that moment he smiled Ian remembered his first name: Mickey. Mickey Milkovich. He read his name on a list somewhere in the last year.

“So whom belongs the doll?” Ian asked. Ian the quiz master he thought to himself, so many questions.

“I have a sister, she's 6.” Mickey answered and smiled.

“But why...” are you caring her with you? Why you lost her under the couch? Ian wanted to ask but he let alone, no one liked people who asked too much fucking questions.

“Mandy.” Mickey said “Her name's Mandy. She'll be fucking happy that you found her doll.” He looks on his watch and adds “Shit, I gotta go.”

“Yeah, me too.” Ian said quickly.

They both stepped out in the blue cold day and Mickey asked “You don't mind if I put on my fucking hat again, right?”

The day got brighter, friendlier almost dangerous sound.

Ian watched Mickey grabbing his bike, he had so many questions, he needed to ask them now before their conversation ended, before Mickey became the cowered figure with headphones on again.

Before he became the Ukrainian haberdasher again, the nickname the others gave him, they put it over him just like a cover so they didn't have to touch the interior.

“Why didn't you say anything as they threw her through the air?” Ian asked “Why did you wait 'til the others were gone?”

Mickey was almost gone, almost back in his own world. “They wouldn't have understood. It's not their business anyway.” he said.

Mickey took his old Walkman out of his parka and untangled the wires of his headphones.

Wait!, Ian wanted to shout.

“You really listening to the Onkelz?” Ian asked and nodded towards Mickey's hoodie.

“What am I 12?” there was the grin again.

“But...the hoodie?” Ian was confused.

“Hand-me-down.” Mickey said short “It keeps me warm, that's the main point.”

He handed Ian one of his headphones and said “White noise.”

Ian heart nothing but a crackling static noise. White noise, that noise a Radio spit out when it had not reception.

“It helps to keep the others away.” he grabbed the headphone from Ian's hand, got on his bike and said “If you wanna think, you know.” then he drove away.

Ian stood there all alone and everything was different. _White noise._

Ian didn't ask Karen to come with him, he drove alone to the sea, in the dusk.

At the sea it was easiest to become clear with his own thoughts, sitting down in the sand and put them in order.

Ian stood there for a long while, looking out at the water, which slowly started to freeze.

The ice was smooth, polished, it shined like the freshly polished floor at home.

It was an old house, in a nice neighborhood, that day the house seemed different, he didn't walk alone through the house, Mickey Milkovich was by his side. He saw the book shelfs with his eyes, the chairs, the photographs on the wall, black and white, unknowable, the fireplace in the living room. Ian walked up the stairs with Mickey by his side to his bedroom, there was a music stand at the window.

He wanted to shake Mickey out of his head, his woolen black hat, the green military parka, his hand-me-down hoodie, the doll.

“I wanna make my master in Music.” Ian said loud to the room. “Maybe. It's also beautiful… to...” he didn't know what to.

His guitar sounded different that day, it seemed not to fit in his hands, it didn't know what Ian wanted. Ian opened the window, he could hear the birds chirping, at that day one single rose was flowering on the rosebush, it was unbearable cheesy, Ian wanted to cut the rose down. Today he had no sense for roses. 

The air above the water was dark blue, somewhere between the sea and the sky was a fisher boat.

Ian broke the ice with his boot, he heard the quiet click and the water underneath.

“He's definitely not living in such a house.” he said quiet. “I don't know how someone like him lives. Different.”

He stepped in the water with his whole foot, the water was soaking his boot, he could feel the cold water.

“I know shit.” he screamed out the sea.

“About what?” the sea asked.

“About all the shit outside my bubble.” he screamed “I wanna... I wanna...” he threw his hands in the air, helpless, but let them fall down again.

The sea laughed and that laugh wasn't friendly, it was mocking.

“Don't think you could get to know someone like Milkovich..." the sea said. "And think about the haircut, you sure that you don't mess with a rightist? Not everyone who has a little sister is a good person. Does he even have a little sister? Maybe...”

“Fuck you.” Ian said to the sea and turned around, to go back over the cold sand.

Behind the beach was the forest, in the spring the wood anemones would bloom, but there was still a little time 'til that would happen. 


	3. Mickey

“Honey, you need to get him out of your fucking head. You'll never get to know someone like Milkovich.” Karen said “And just think about the hair...” she pulled her feet up to the couch.

Ian thought about Karen's home, the house was always cleaner as clean, her mother had a heavy mania for cleanliness, she was fucking crazy about that shit.

Karen didn't get along very well with her, Sheila was a surgeon at the clinic, just like Ian's dad.

Frank also didn't get along with Karen's mom, it was that bad that he moved to an other practice, a less cleaner one.

“The fuck you thinking about?” Karen asked and breathed out the smoke of her cigarette.

“Thought about our parents, that they're doctor's and shit like that...” Ian answered and darted his tongue out to wet his lips.

“And shit like that, huh?” Karen scoffed and stubbed out her cigarette on a saucer, she probably only smoked in the house 'cause it was forbidden “Yeah our parents are fucking doctors and what has this shit to do with Milkovich?”

“Nothing.” Ian sighed “Everything. I'm just wondering what his parents do for a living. Where he's from. Where he lives.”

“Baltic-Sea-Quarter.” Karen said “I always see him driving down there to the concrete tower block, next to Aldi.” Karen leaned forward and scanned Ian's face. “Why do you wanna know all this?” she asked with a lurking undertone.

“Just...because... ugh I don't fucking know.” Ian shrugged and chewed on his inner cheek.

“Jesus, Ian...” Karen said and rolled her eyes “I'll tell you something, you have a crush on him, a fucking massive one, I see that in your fucking eyes, they're shining when you talk about him." 

Ian didn't say a thing, he just knitted his eyebrows and glanced at Karen, he could feel his cheeks heat up a little. Fuck.

Karen nodded a little and said "Don't blush, honey, but you chose the wrong guy, don't make yourself fucking unhappy. The only thing you can have with someone like him is a sexual relationship. Only sex, but probably you'll get some STD, so you better drop that idea too. That guy's not a thing for you, Ian.”

“Shut the fuck up, Karen.” Ian hissed “We don't talk about relationships here, and not about ... about ... not about that at all. Maybe my world isn't as fucking limited as yours, and maybe sometimes I think about other stuff than who I'm gonna bang next.”

“Next?” Karen asked with a grin on her lips “Did I miss something?”

“Jesus, I can't talk to you right now.” Ian barked and stood up from the couch.

Karen pulled him back down and said apologetically “Ian, wait, I'm sorry. I just don't want you to get hurt. I love you, you know. Can't you have a crush on someone else?”

“I don't have a fucking crush on anyone. And stop talking me into believing that shit.” Ian said and knitted his eyebrows, he was mad at Karen, but she was right, he had a crush on Mickey, he couldn't stop thinking about his smile and his pale blue eyes. Fuck he didn't even know if Mickey was gay.

Why the hell did he tell Karen about his conversation with Mickey? Because three days passed since Mickey spoke with him, that's why. Because he hadn't spoken with him since then, because it felt like he never had spoken with him at all.

The bubble around Ian had closed again and a cold shell out of silence closed around Mickey. But there was something left in Ian's bubble, a little glimmer, curiosity.

“Look, honey...” Karen said and lighted a new cigarette, the whole lighting up and stubbing out drove Ian crazy, did Karen's life only turn around cigarettes? And why the hell couldn't she stop calling him honey. “...listen carefully. I know at the end of the day you're a lot smarter than me, better marks, the music and all that shit. You think about things people like me don't think about. I fucking know that. But with that one thing, you should really listen to me. Forget Milkovich. Just think about the doll. Why is he running around with a fucking doll? A little sister? Maybe he has one, but I would've taken a closer look at the doll. What did he say? You should hold her carefully? Don't you look or read whodunits? I mean you read books, don't you? I don't know where he gets his shit, but I think he has good contacts to Ukraine and Poland. He has to haul all that stuff somewhere.” Karen raised her eyebrows and looked in Ian's green eyes.

“You mean in the doll?” Ian asked, but Karen just shrugged.

“I mean nothing, I'm just thinking aloud. Jesus, we're all happy that we have our Ukrainian haberdasher. He's the cheapest one around and it ain't that easy... Watch your fucking look, I'm not a junkie. Anyways, I wouldn't believe every thing he's saying, at the end of the day he only wants to save his own skin, just like the rest of us.”

“The fuck you mean?” Ian asked her with knitted eyebrows.

“I don't fucking know, sounds philosophical as shit, doesn't it? I mean the whole thing with the doll and sister is kinda touching, really. And that white noise... I don't know... maybe he was just fucking with you... Maybe he wanted to impress you. You're good at school, you take that German class together, maybe he thought you could help him. Maybe he wants you to be interested in him.” Karen said and took another puff of her cigarette.

“Interested in him... how? He doesn't even speak to me.” Ian scoffed and slightly shook his head.

“Look, it makes sense, you know.” Karen smiled “He's keeping the distance so you get more and more curios.”

“Stop to brandish your damn cigarette.” Ian said and rolled his eyes and stood up “Or else you'll light up your mum's couch.”

“I'd fucking love to.” Karen laughed “but that stupid thing doesn't burn that easy.”

 

He would try, he had to talk to Mickey, when Mickey only talked to people who bought shit from him, so Ian had to buy some.

The last two days Ian watched Mickey sitting in class being silent. He seemed to dream, in the first few classes he sometimes fell asleep.

Ian thought about what Mickey was doing during the nights, and he if he really wanted to know that.

It was a Friday, when Ian finally found the courage to walk up to Mickey, he leaned against the wall besides the bike racks, like always.

His hands were deeply buried in his trouser pockets, headphones in his ears, his parka was zipped up, he was freezing, his whole body was a statue of the February cold.

He wasn't smoking, he was just standing, staring into space.

The school yard was almost empty, on Friday everyone was in a hurry to get home.

Ian starred at him for a while, his courage faded away, somehow Ian wished that Mickey would say that he didn't sell anything.

His feet took him over the school yard 'til he was standing behind Mickey.

“Mickey.” Ian almost whispered.

The other boy startled, turned around and looked at him, with something like amazement in his eyes, no one in school called him by his first name.

The amazement faded and he looked at him waiting, questioningly: What do you want? He was a little smaller than Ian, but he had something boofy.

Ian thought about bulldogs and suddenly he was kinda afraid of Milkovich again, the name Mickey disappeared in his head. His mind went blank, he didn't remember a word he wanted to say to the other boy.

“Ian?” Milkovich raised one of his eyebrows.

“Yeah.” Ian answered quietly “I... I just... I just wanted to ask... ask you...” He had to go ahead with his plan, but all the words were mashed in his head, he took a deep breath before he finally spit out “There's a party at Karen's. We need.. uhm... something for that party. What do you have?”

“When?” Milkovich asked “When do you need it?”

Sure it didn't work like that, it was more like order and delivery. It seemed like Milkovich could read Ian's thoughts.

“Uhm...” he said “wait a second, I think I got something here.” he looked around and buried his hand in his parka and pulled out a tiny plastic bag.

Ian leaned forward and awaited some sort of  powder, he didn't know shit about all that stuff, and the Google search wasn't very helpful.

Milkovich grabbed out a small blister from the plastic bag, the plastic bag was full with blisters.

The one he gave to Ian had white pills in it.

“For partying right?” he asked quietly and Ian just nodded.

“Twenty bucks.” Milkovich said, Ian gave him the money and quickly put the blister in his jacket.

“You know what you're doing?” Milkovich asked, and Ian could hear what he was thinking.

“Not really tho, but Karen does.” Ian answered and shrugged.

Milkovich nodded again, pursed the money and wanted to put his headphones in his ears again.

“White noise?” Ian asked, he didn't want to talk to him, he just wanted that to be asked.

Ian's heart was pounding, he wanted to get away, away from the cold school yard, away from the other boy, the bulldog, away from the pills in his jacket pocket. Away, away, away.

Suddenly Ian craved for his guitar in his hands, for a melody.

He didn't expect that Milkovich would reach him one of his headphones again, but he did.

He took it and held it against his ear, because he expected it, not because he wanted to.

The whole I-try-to-unterstand-the-Ukrainian-haberdasher-and-will-try-to-make-him-a-better-man project was suddenly abhorrent.

Out of the headphone came no white noise, but a melody, as if someone had heard Ian's wish.

“It's not always white noise.” Milkovich said and smiled a little.

The melody was as old as his Walkman, no it was much older.

Suzanne.

Ian knew the lyrics since he was little.

He handed Mickey the headphone back a little perplex.

“Cohen? You're listening to fucking Cohen? Monica, my mom, is listening to his music.” Ian said with knitted eyebrows and shook his head hardly noticeable.

“Yeah, my mom was too. I don't even know, how she came to his music. She could barely understand a fucking word, she didn't speak English. And she was too young for this kind of music.” Mickey said and bit down his bottom lip.

“Was?” Ian asked, it got a few degrees colder “is she...?”

“Dead?” Mickey asked harsh “No. Just gone for two weeks now, but it doesn't make any difference. I don't think she'll come back. Mandy... Mandy thinks she'll come back. My sister, she...” he stopped, looked in Ian's green eyes and said “Am I fucking crazy? Why the hell am I telling you this shit?”

“Maybe because I asked?” Ian smiled a little at him.

“It's too cold.” the other boy said and shrugged his arms in front of his chest.

Ian stood there while Mickey grabbed his bike.

It was almost like their first conversation – words in the cold air, between the bike racks, stolen words, somehow homeless, in passing.

You could later say, they didn't say anything at all.

“No one else ever asks?” Ian said and chewed on his inner cheek.

Milkovich shook his head “Fuck, who? There's no one.”

“There are a lot of people.” Ian said “Everywhere.” He stretched out his arms, but no one was there, Mickey was right, there was no one, just the two of them.

Mickey pulled his woolen hat even more over his ears, he nodded, maybe a goodbye nodding, or just a nodding for himself, to confirm that there was no one there.

Then he drove away.

 

It was fucking ridiculous to follow someone on his bike on a Friday afternoon, it wasn't inconspicuous either. Thank God Mickey didn't turn around.

The February wind was too cold to turn around when you drove a bike.

Mickey drove down the street, passing by a supermarket, through a green gate, behind that door he got off his bike.

There was a school, an elementary school obviously.

It was left, after school out, totally left and orphaned.

Ian hid his bike in the bushes besides the gate, he stood beside his bike, trying to be invisible.

It came to his mind that maybe Mickey had some clients there: Ding dong – the Ukrainian haberdasher's here!

Maybe there were also some older students.

Ian's eyes were wandering around the school area, his eyes found a little girl sitting on the stairs in front of the school, she wore a dirty-pink jacket.

Ian watched how Mickey was walking over the empty schoolyard.

That scene was so bleak, but than something unexpected happened, the despair broke.

Mickey started to run, someone was running towards him: the girl with the worn out pink jacket.

They flew towards each other, the little figure and the big figure, their arms spread – her feet didn't seem to touch the ground anymore – then they met in the middle.

The big figure picked up the little one and whirled her around, one time, two times, three times, the little girl was giggling.

“It's true.” Ian whispered behind the bushes “He told the truth. He has a sister. Mandy.”

Mickey put the girl back on the ground and Ian ducked. Mickey turned around and went back to his bike, he didn't see Ian, he was talking to Mandy, and he was laughing.

Mandy sat down on the carrier, Mickey said something to Mandy before he got on the bike and they drove off.

Ian didn't unterstand what Mickey said, it sounded like a different language, maybe it was Ukrainian, but it sounded so alive.

Mickey drove by Ian and he could hear a glimpse of his conversation with Mandy, he heard that they would drive to the canteen, but Ian didn't follow them.

He didn't want to risk that Mickey would see him that time.

He was taking another way to the canteen.

The sky had never been brighter, the limbs in the trees had never been that golden. It was a beautiful Febuary day.

 

There were a lot of people at the canteen, Ian was afraid he wouldn't find them, but then he saw a pink spot in the crowd.

Ian grabbed some food, 'cause he didn't want to look like a stalker, he went to the cash desk and paid for it.

His eyes were searching for the pink jacket, but he couldn't find it, suddenly he felt a senseless panic coming up.

He had lost them, he would never find him again, he would never find out why he was like he was, who that Mickey was, who whirled around a little girl.

 

Ian overheard some other students talking about another dining hall and he followed them.

There was the pink jacket, hanging on a stool at the end of the hall, and there they sat, Mickey and Mandy.

Ian sat down right behind them, thankfully Mickey had his back turned on him.

He listened to Mickey and Mandy and smiled to himself.

There he sat just a little away from Mickey Milkovich and listened to the fairy tale he told his little sister, that fairytale was so bright and flooded with light, but Ian also could hear an old darkness in it.

 

They didn't see him, no one of them, he got lost in the crowd, he was invisible.

He smiled about his invisibility, he smiled about them, they were sitting there together but on different tables, how young they were.

He watched the two them, no they were three, Mickey had a little girl with him.

Mickey was a different person there, also Ian was a different person, they all played a part.

The part of the dealer.

The part of the good, well educated boy.

And him? He also played a part.

Some parts were more dangerous than others.

Ian tilted his head up and looked at him, but his face was hiden behind a magazine, like an amateur detective.

He would stay invisible for quite a while, but he would keep an eye on them.


	4. Mandy

"Tell me about the isle." Mandy said "How does it look there?" The little girl smiled at her brother with the sweetest smile.

"You know exactly how the isle looks like, I already told you that like a hundred times." Mickey rolled his eyes, but he laughed.

"I already forgot. It's been such a long time since you told me the last story. It's been thousands of years. Mum was still here." Mandy said and she knitted her eyebrows.

Mandy and Mickey were silent for a few seconds before Mandy asked “Mickey, where’s mum?”

Mickey darted his tongue out to wet his lips and pressed his lips together before he answered "I don't know, Mandy. She only left a note saying she would be away for quite a while and that she loves you."

"And you?" Mandy asked, she looked at Mickey with her big blue eyes.

Mickey cleared his throat and forced a smile, but he didn’t answer her question.

"The isle…" Mickey started "…persists out of rocks. I should better say persisted. The whole isle persisted out of rocks, it was far far somewhere out in the ocean. On the isle there lived only one little person, she called herself the queen of cliffs. The birds told her that there were other isles out there, they also told her about the onshore that was far far away from her isle. At night she told herself stories about the onshore, how it looked there, how it would be to live there.

Every morning she tied her black hair in two plaits, put on her pink jacket and ran out in the wind. In the pocket of her jacket lived Miss Layla, her doll, whom she could tell everything.

On a meadow browsed a white mare, on her back the little queen rode faster than the wind. The little queen laughed happily when the scarf and the mane of the mare flapped in the wind. The scarf from the mare of course, 'cause the little queen didn't need a scarf, the collar of her jacket was made out of fake fur, but she knitted the mare a scarf, she learned that in school.”

“There lives no one on the isle!” Mandy shouted “Did you forget that? Why would there be a school?”

“Of course there was a school.” Mickey said “There was exactly one teacher - the queen of cliffs, one headmistress - the queen of cliffs, a student and that was also the queen of cliffs. She learned herself knitting, and she gave herself an A for her work – the scarf was blue – and...”

“That's ridiculous!” Mandy giggled and rolled her eyes.

“Who's the queen of cliffs, you or me?” Mickey asked “It's not my fault that you mark yourself! By the way it was always summer in on the isle, so the little queen never had to freeze. When she was hungry, she ate some apples and pears or she caught a flying fish with her fishing net and roasted him on a bonfire at night. She also had a wheat field to make flour, so she could bake an apple pie every once in a while for her and Miss Layla. She always decorated the pie with some beautiful flowers.”

“Were there these little white flowers on the isle?” Mandy asked curiously “The ones from the forest? What are they called? Wood enemies?”

“No.” Mickey answered and quickly went on “Now the story has to start. Mandy? Do you remember all the other stories from the little queen of cliffs? Remember the empress of foam, the melancholic dragon, the sunken east wind, the funny tornado?”

“Of course I do.” Mandy answered “I remember every detail. The queen of cliffs always accomplished what she had to accomplish, right?”

“Yeah.” Mickey said “But this story is different. I don't know if she will manage it this time. This story is dangerous. You wanna hear it anyways?”

“Yes.” Mandy nodded “I'm brave, you know that. I was brave with the dragon, he didn't eat me 'though he wanted to, but I solved all his problems and he flew away happily...”

“Good.” Mickey said “If you wanna hear it, I'm gonna tell it, but it'll take a little time to tell it.”

“How long? As long as a movie? As long as a book?” Mandy asked excited.

“To be exact...'til the 13th of March. If everything goes well.” Mickey harrumphed, because every story teller did that when the story was about to get thrilling and he began:

 

_“One night the little queen woke up in her bed and she felt that something was about to happen outside._

_Something big and major._

_She was lying silent in her bed – it was a canopy bed, which meant that there was a hole in the ceiling, through which she could see the sky._

_They sky was empty that night, the stars were gone, the little queen became afraid._

_That was a different kind of fear than the fear of the melancholic dragon or the empress of foam._

_She realized that all the adventures before had just been games._

_That – whatever that was – was serious._

_She only owned two dresses, one for the day and one for the night, she put on the red dress for the day over the blue dress for the night, if something big would happen it was better to be dressed warmly._

_She put on her pink jacket, placed Miss Layla in her pocket, turned up her fake-fur-collar and stepped out in the dark._

_It was silent, no birds were singing, no crickets were chirping, even the wind was silent that night._

_The little queen wandered to the meadow, where the white mare was standing._

_The mare laid her head on the little queen's shoulder as if she was looking for comfort._

_'Can you feel that something's happening?' she asked 'Do you feel the fear of the trees? They're going to die. Tonight. And I will die with them. I'll never see you again.'_

_'But why?' the little queen shouted 'Why?'_

_In that moment the isle was shaking and the little queen held the mare so she wouldn't fall._

_There was a second quake, a grumble came from underneath, followed from a crash..._

_'Take care of yourself.' the mare said 'If you meet a man with a black mustache and your name, turn around and run. Do you hear me?'_

_'How can a man have my name?' the little queen asked confused._

_There was another quake and the first few trees were falling down to the ground._

_'That's the isle.' the mare said 'Run, my little queen! Run to the highest cliff. Run fast, the isle is about to sink.'_

_'The isle... is sinking?' the little queen screamed 'How can an isle sink?'_

_The mare only bent her head, silent._

_'I'll run to the highest cliff' the little queen said 'But what about you? You're not coming with me?”_

_'Run my little queen, run fast.' the mare said, the little queen saw a deep sadness in her eyes._

_And the little queen ran, ran as fast as she could with her bare feet, she ran like the wind, like the storm, like a hurricane._

_Miss Layla was fearfully watching out from the pocket._

_The little queen climbed the highest cliff, all of a sudden there was a bright light, it came from the middle of the isle._

_The rocks around her broke down and fell down into ocean._

_There was another quake and as it ended the isle was gone, just a few cliffs towered out of the water._

_The water was red, like blood, the red waves were clashing against the cliffs, the light red splashes on the cliffs looked like poppies._

_They were beautiful, beautiful as a spring day on a sunny meadow, but the spring was far away._

_The little queen rocked Miss Layla in her shaking arms and she realized that it was winter.”_

 

Ian heard a stool scrap over the floor, he blinked, the eating hall was almost empty, two women with striped tunics were brushing the tables and shot glances at the people who were still there.

“And then?” Ian heard Mandy saying “What happened next?”

“Then it was time to leave.” Mickey answered “They want to close. Is there place left for a cocoa or an ice cream in your belly?”

“Of course there is.” Mandy said “I feel the place right here, you see that, there's place for both.”

“You have to choose one.” Mickey said and Ian could hear him smiling.

“So we're going down to the Cafete, huh?” Mickey asked his little sister.

“Of course we go.” Mandy said “It's Friday, first we go to the canteen, then to the Cafete.”

Ian hurried up so he could leave the hall before them, he headed down to the Cafete.

The Cafete was packed, so Ian could easily disappear in the crowd, somehow it happened that Ian was right behind Mandy and Mickey at the register.

“I think I want a cocoa, or do you have something like cocoa with vanilla ice?” Mandy asked the waitress.

“What?” the waitress asked confused.

“Umh, like cocoa plus vanilla ice in a combo for less money, like they have at McDonald's.” Mandy explained.

“Honey, this ain't McDonald's here. Choose what you want, you're not the only here who wants to order.” the waitress said, rolled her eyes and placed a mug with pallid cocoa in front of her.

Mandy took two straws and the waitress barked “One is enough, don't you think?”

She grabbed one of the straws in Mandy's hand and wanted to take it away from her, but Mandy didn't want to let go.

Ian closed his eyes, the mug shattered on the floor and the waitress shouted “What a clumsy little girl you are. The mug – you have to pay for the mug. Look at this mess. You pay for the mug and leave, the cocoa and the mug, this will be $ 2,50, the mug costs $ 1,50.”

Tears were forming in Mandy's eyes and running down her cheeks, she grabbed in her jacket and pulled out a dollar note, placed it on the counter and said through her tears “This is all I have.”

“You're not alone here.” the waitress almost shouted “There must be an adult who has to pay for this.”

“No.” Mandy snorted “I'm alone, nobody needs to pay for me. I'm all alone. On the cliff. All alone.”

“Jesus, leave her alone, she's just a kid. Don't you have kids yourself?” Ian looked for the person who said that, but he realized that he was the one who said that.

Shit, he didn't want to attract attention...

“I have kids, two, if you wanna know, but they're reared.” the waitress said and looked a little confused at Ian.

“Of course.” Ian said angry “And they never have shattered a mug, they never wanted to have two straws, huh? And you, you never shattered something, no of course not 'cause your fucking perfect, right? And the mug, I bet it's only worth 20 cents.”

Ian felt that not only the waitress was staring at him, but also Mandy.

“I'll pay for that cocoa, my coffee and another cocoa.” he said still angry.

“And please give me a hand brush, I'll clean this up. Maybe you should check if there's somewhere a class where they can teach you to be nice and kind.” Ian said with knitted eyebrows.

“Watch your damn mouth.” the waitress said, took the money from Ian, placed it in the register and handed him the hand brush.

Ian bend down and started to clean up the mess, he stood up and threw the shards in the waist, when someone took the hand brush out of his hands, someone with a green military parka.

Mickey.

Ian looked up and said with played surprise “Mickey?” he looked from Mickey to Mandy, who stood there with her cocoa and grinned.

“Are you... is that … your sister?”

“Hey... take this now, or your friend is going to freak the shit out.” an other student handed Ian the tablet and nodded towards the waitress.

“Thanks.” Ian quickly said and took his coffee, he was afraid that Mickey was already gone, but he was still there, right next to him.

“You'll get the money back.” Mickey said “And thanks. I didn't exactly see what happened.”

“Something stupid about the straws.” Ian shrugged “And forget about the money.” he looked down at the pink jacket.

“You must be Mandy.” Ian smiled, and Mandy nodded.

“How's your doll?” Ian asked “She got lost in my students room at school, I found her underneath the couch.”

“Miss Layla.” Mandy said “Yeah I think she's fine, she's at home. She's not allowed to come with me to school, and at the canteen she always wants to eat too much dessert. Can I keep the Dollar, for an ice cream?”

“Of course.” Ian smiled at her.

“No you can't.” Mickey said “Give it back to Ian.”

Ian was confused, but took the Dollar back, Mandy ran to a table and sat down.

 

“Have you seen Karen somewhere? She's already 15 minutes late.” Ian asked Mickey.

Mickey looked around, of course he didn't see her, Karen never had the plan to come there.

“Hmm I guess I'll just wait a little longer.” Ian said “Has Mandy enough straws for her cocoa?”

“Five.” Mickey shook his head but he smiled a little “I'll tell her that she can't...”

“Tell her that she can bend them when they're warm enough.” Ian quickly said “You can curl them and make figures, but I guess she already knows.”

Ian sat down on the table behind Mandy and grabbed a book out of his backpack, he did as if he would read, but he listened to the conversation behind him.

 

“Continue the story.” Mandy said “I'll make a cliff out of this straws. The isle came back, and the horse and everything was still there, right?”

“No.” Mickey said and went on with his story

_“the little queen of cliffs sat for a long time on the cliff and she froze. The morning came, the ocean was blue again, the sun rose but it didn't warm up the little queen, it was a cold winter sun._

_'Miss Layla' she said 'Maybe we'll die.'_

_Miss Layla said nothing, she always listened, but she never said anything._

_'I don't know what it's like to die.' the little queen continued 'No one ever explained the death to me. I think they were too scared to tell me about it.'_

_The little queen startled, there was something in the water, a dark round head with a mustache and shiny blue eyes appeared._

_'Who are you?' the little queen asked with wide eyes 'Are you the Death?'_

_'No.' said the something and laughed 'The death is much bigger than me. I'm a sea lion, or let's better say I'm the sea lion, there are no other sea lions anymore, they're all gone. The truth about what a sea lion is, a sea lion will never now, the others know, but not himself. You can learn, if you stay with me.'_

_'But I can't swim.' the little queen said 'I'll drown.'_

_'You don't need to swim, you own a ship. It's been waiting for you since you've been born. I guarded it for you.' the sea lion said._

_'I couldn't do anything about what happened tonight. I couldn't save the trees, the mare, I couldn't even save your castle, the ship was the only thing I could save. I'll show you how to handle it, we need to go to the onshore, before the winter is over. At the onshore you'll be safe.'_

_'Safe?' the little queen asked._

_The sea lion didn't answer, he swam around the cliff and came back with the ship 'Come on board.' he said._

_The little queen stood up and jumped on board, the ship drove away and the little queen sadly said 'I'll never see my isle again.'_

_'I'll never lay in my canopy bed again and I'll never ride on the white mare through the summer flowers again.' the little queen whispered.  
_

_'There will be other summer flowers on the onshore.' the sea lion comforted the little queen 'Bigger ones, they'll be more beautiful and there will be other white mares.'_

_'But none of them will be my white mare.' the little queen whispered with tears in her eyes._

_She wanted to cry, but tears wouldn't bring back her isle, the trees and her mare._

_She wiped with the sleeve of her pink jacket over her eyes, there was no time for tears, she needed to be strong._

_The little queen looked out at the ocean and she recognized that there was another ship._

_That ship was bigger than hers, and suddenly it got colder, she froze, though she wore her pink jacket._

_The other ship was black._

_'This is the black ship of the hunters.' the sea lion said. 'They hunt at day and night, when it rains and when it storms. Don't turn around to look at them to often my little queen.'_

_'What do they want?' the little queen whispered 'What are they hunting?'_

_'You.' the sea lion answered 'There's something you gotta know, my little queen. Your heart... it's not an ordinary heart. Your heart is a diamond. Pure and white and big and precious like no other. If you could take this heart out of your chest it would shine and sparkle as bright as the sun, maybe even brighter.'_

_'But you can't take it out of my chest, right.' the queen asked with wide eyes._

_'No.' the sea lion answered seriously.  
_

_'Not as long as you live.'_


	5. Interlude

It was silent for quite a while, not really silent 'cause there were many people talking and they talked pretty loud and 'cause there were many of them they talked way too loud.

Dishes clattered, the door from the toilet opened and got slammed shut again, pages got flipped in magazines, jackets were rustling, there was someone who sneezed, there was someone who blew his nose, over there was a kissing couple and someone heard his music too loud.

But at the same time it was silent, the silence on the table behind Ian was deafening, in that silence ended a story, which wouldn't go on for that moment, a well thought cliffhanger for the next chapter.

Mandy broke the silence, she almost whispered “She won't die, right? She'll make it to the onshore? You think she'll make it to the onshore? In time?"

Ian waited for an answer from Mickey, but it didn't come.

“Please, Mickey, tell me.” Mandy pleaded fearfully.

“What do you think? You listened too, right?” Ian realized that Mandy didn't ask Mickey but him.

He didn't want to act as if he didn't listen and as if he had no clue what Mandy was talking about. Her question was too straight, too innocent, too loud.

Ian turned around but he didn't look at Mandy, he looked in Mickey's pale blue eyes.

They sat back on back before, but now Mickey was close, very close, maybe a little too close, the blue in his eyes wasn't the same as the blue in Mandy's, the blue in his eyes was cold, cold like a freezer compartment, a cold that was necessary to keep a function going.

A cold that needed power and energy. Mickey didn't smile.

“So what do you think?” Mandy asked again from the other side of the round table.

“Yeah I listened...” Ian confessed and bit down his bottom lip “...the book I tried to read isn't very ... interesting, you know. And I was waiting for my friend, Karen, so... uhm yeah I listened ... I'm sorry... was it a secret story?”

Mandy looked at Mickey and asked with raised eyebrows “Is it a secret story, Mickey?”

Mickey didn't say a word, he was just looking at Ian.

“I don't think she'll die, she'll make it, the sea lion will help her.” Ian said, because something had to be said 

“What could a sea lion do against a ship full of hunters?” Mandy asked with knitted eyebrows.

“It's a fairy tale, right? So maybe the sea lion can transform?” Ian said and smiled a little at her.

“Transform?” Mandy wanted to know.

Ian slightly shook his head “I don't know ... it's not my story, I can't continue. I'm not part of the story.”

Ian stuffed his book in his backpack, stood up and said “I think Karen won't come, I can't wait forever, I gotta go.”

Mickey stood up as well and said to his little sister “Please bring the mug back, okay?”

“Okay, but I'll keep the straws.” Mandy said and held them up, five straws, twisted from the heat of the cocoa, knotted, stuffed to a ball.

“Look, I made a sea lion.” Mandy said proudly to Ian.

Ian nodded and smiled at her “It looks pretty.”

 

They left the Cafete together, they went through the glass door out in the cold air.

'He hates that I listened, he hates me ... maybe. Fuck, he knows that I spied on him.' Ian thought to himself.

Out there Mickey stopped on the top of the stairs, Mandy headed down the stairs and jumped into the puddles.

Ian also stopped, unsteady.

Mickey took out a cigarette pack of his jacket and pulled a cigarette out and put it on his lips, the whole time his eyes were pinned at Ian.

You couldn't go when someone was looking at you, it was like a conversation, but Ian didn't know what was said.

Ian couldn't read Mickey's look.

“You don't smoke, right?” Mickey asked, the cigarette danced on his lips.

Ian just nodded and Mickey lighted his cigarette.

“Mickey.” Ian said quietly “Mickey de Saint-Exupére.”

“Yeah it was a little too much Saint-Ex.” Mickey said, Saint-Ex, as if he would know the writer.

Ian nodded and smiled a little smile “Literal. Almost. None of them will be my white mare...”

“The rose...” Mickey said “The rose of the little prince. Of course. Fuck, I didn't think you were listening.”

“I didn't come to listen to your story.” Ian said and that definitely was the lie of the day. “I had to listen, you know? It's a beautiful story. Where did you find those words and all those pictures?”

“From fucking reality.” Mickey said and took another deep puff from his cigarette “There isn't more than just that.”

“No...” Ian replied “...there isn't more than that.”

Ian noticed that Mickey didn't put his hat back on, he could see the February light in his black hair. He was standing straight, his hands weren't buried in his pockets, suddenly they were so close, not physically but mentally.

“German...” Ian began “...you're in my German class, not that it's important....”

“It's fucking important.” Mickey said “I'm making my A-levels in German. That's what I do - I tell stories. Not only to Mandy. After graduating – I want...“ Mickey interrupted himself “The whole thing with Mandy is none of anyone's business... and all that shit with the stories neither.”

“Of course not.” Ian nodded, but he asked “What's the thing with Mandy?”

Mickey looked at his cigarette and breathed out the smoke “The fuck do you care?”

“Jesus...” Ian exhaled loudly and stopped, Mickey threw the cigarette on the ground and stubbed it out.

“What if I tell you that she isn't my sister, what if she's my daughter?” Mickey suddenly laughed, quietly.

“You can stop calculating, I didn't mean biologically. I take care of her. There are many horrible things out there in this fucked up world. Someone has to take care. You recognized that I sometimes miss a few classes, now you know why.”

“But... your father...?” Ian asked.

Mickey shook his head “The last time I saw my father was seventeen years ago. Mandy and I, we don't have the same father, you know. I don't know where Mandy's dad is, but he could show up when he knows that Natasha is gone. Our mother. And I know two people who won't be at home when this shit happens.”

Ian looked questioningly at him.

“Don't ask... I don't wanna talk about fucking Terry.” Mickey chewed on his inner cheek.

Suddenly Mickey grabbed Ian's wrist “Don't you dare to tell any of this to someone in school. Not to Karen, not to one of your other fucking friends, you hear me? Or else I...”

“Mickey, calm the fuck down... You really think I would tell anyone?” Ian almost laughed, he didn't pull away his wrist, he knew Mickey was expecting that.

He tried not to look away, his fear of Mickey was gone, sunken with the isle from the story.

Mickey loosened his grip and let slowly go of Ian's hand, he seemed pretty surprised by Ian's reaction.

Ian quickened his steps and walked away from Mickey, he turned around and shouted over his shoulder "Put your fucking hat on. You appear more terrifying with it on your head, your hands buried in your pockets and the headphones in your ears, Mick.”

Ian turned back around, Mickey stood there watching Ian walking away, he slightly shook his head and on his lips was something like a little smile.

Natasha used to call him Mick, when he was a little boy.

 

Later Ian laid on his bed and looked out of the window at the garden, the fucking rose was still there, he didn't cut it.

Ian said that shit with the hat and went to his bike, he left Mickey standing there, he didn't even say goodbye to Mandy, he was acting like a little bitch in a soap opera.

He was so mad that Mickey thought he was like everyone else – of course Ian was like everyone else – who wasn't with 18 and it would be fucking difficult not to tell Karen any of that shit.

He grabbed his phone and called Karen, he wanted it to be done.

“Karen?” Ian said “We talked about Mickey that day, remember? What? Milkovich, he has a first name, but that's not that important, I guess. You said maybe he was lying about having a sister and everything else.”

Karen was busy with her homework, so she needed time 'til she finally got what Ian meant “Oh your sex-relation.” she smiled amused in her phone.

Ian didn't react to that shit, he called her to say something and he was ready to spit it out “You were fucking right...he has no sister.”

“How? What?” Karen stuttered “How do you know?”

“Doesn't matter.” Ian answered “And you were right about the thing that I have a crush on him, it's true... I mean it was true... but that's over I fell for someone else.”

“Good.” Karen said, she took a deep breath before she went on “Honey, you know I would love to talk a little longer, but I got a fucking ton of homework to do.”

“Sure.” Ian said, hung up and tossed his phone on his bed.

Ian had to make up a crush on someone, but on who?

Trevor? No that wouldn't be fair.

A random student? Yeah maybe.

Ian stood up from his bed and grabbed his guitar, he played the first notes from Suzanne.

 _Suzanne takes you down to her place near the river_  
    _You can hear the boats go by_  
    _And you can spend the night beside her_  
    _And you know, that she's half crazy_

What an old old song, but it was still beautiful.

Where did Mickey's mom get that tape from Leonard Cohen?

Natasha he said “Natasha” - Natasha never got to learn English.

How did she got that tape? And suddenly Ian thought to himself - where was Natasha?

 

Ian was standing in the living room when his mother came home, Monica was a quiet and beautiful person, she was a lecturer on a private college for literature.

“Are you thinking about something, darling?” she asked, stood beside Ian and laid her arm around her son's shoulder.

“I'm always thinking about something, mom.” Ian exhaled loudly, he laid his head on Monica's shoulder and closed his eyes for a little while.

They stood there for quite a while, staring out at the garden, watching Frank and the birds.

Monica gently brushed Ian's red hair.

“Lately I've been thinking about a lot of things, about all at once.” Ian broke the silence “Just now I'm thinking about dad and his birds, about you... It sounds random and pointless but it isn't... we... Frank and you and me … we're living in our own universe... but ours... it's so … I don't know... aesthetic? Maybe it's too aesthetic.”

“Too aesthetic?” Monica repeated insecure and knitted her eyebrows.

“Did you recognize that the light in our house is always blue?” Ian said “It's like there's a filter through which the light goes before it enters the house... maybe you're the filter... or maybe Frank is it...” Ian lifted his head from Monica's shoulder and looked her in the eyes.

He saw that she didn't get what he was saying, he took a deep breath and asked her “Have you ever been at the East Sea Block?”

Linda shook her head “No I just drive by there everyday, I mean I have to drive there, there's no other way to get to work and home.”

“Yeah.” Ian said “That's exactly what I'm talking about. You drive by that block every single day and you look at these buildings and think to yourself: Why are they still there? When they're out of sight you forget them because they don't exist in our goddamn blue universe, with the birds and the beautiful roses. But they exist and the people who live there exist..."

Ian stopped he didn't have the right words to continue.

Mickey had more words, right words, beautiful words, how surprising that Mickey Milkovich had all the right words. Ian smiled to himself.

“When you first met Frank what did you think? What was you first thought?” Ian asked Monica.

Monica thought about it and when she answered she had a smile on her face “It was at a school dance, darling you know the story...”

She repeated the story Ian heard for like 100 times already, she still had a bright smile on her face.

Ian didn't listen, he shook his head internally, that wasn't helpful at all... A dress, a ball, Monica and Frank lived in the same universe from the very beginning.

 

On Monday Mickey missed the first three classes, but he came to German class.

He looked tired as fuck, he leaned his head on his hands and fell asleep, the teacher didn't say a thing, like always.

Ian thought it was absurd that Mickey came to the class when he was sleeping anyway, but maybe he needed those words, which were written and spoken, maybe he could hear them in his sleep.

Later Ian thought: He was safe there. The teacher, Mr. Miller, wasn't saying anything. Mickey didn't need to take care of someone, he could sleep in peace, maybe he came to German class because of that.

Towards the end of class Mickey woke up, he looked at Ian, just for a short second.

He took the black woolen hat from his head and ran his fingers through his black hair.

After class everyone left the room as quick as possible, but Mickey stayed behind, as if he was waiting for something.

Ian loitered in the hallway, searching for something in his backpack that never had been there.

Mickey didn't come, he was still in the class room.

Ian took a few steps back towards the door and he heard that Mickey was talking to the teacher.

“Fuck, no.” he said “No way.”

“You can give it back, Mickey.” said Mr. Miller's deeper voice.

“I don't wanna start with that shit.” Mickey said “My mother did...does such things, but I won't, you understand that? I just want your fucking help. Help me to find a job, anything, you know people... different people than I know. At college... maybe... I can do everything … do anything... in the evening... everything that starts later than seven."

“Later than seven?” Mr. Miller asked “Why?”

“That's my business.” Mickey said, and Ian thought, that was the time when a little girl would go to bed.

“But you're already working at night, aren't you?” the teacher asked “That's why you're always sleeping during my classes. It's okay, keep sleeping. I'm okay with that, but the other teachers aren't. They have to get their marks from somewhere. Your good marks in my class probably won't make up for the rest.”  
  
“Yeah... I guess not.” Mickey said “That's why it would be good to work in the evening and not at night. At least in the evening... at College... Aren't their any janitor jobs? Paperwork can also be done in the evening...”  
  
“You need to be at College to work something like that.” Mr. Miller answered.

“I got a Student ID.” Mickey shrugged.

“Jesus Mickey, I didn't hear that.” Mr. Miller said and slightly shook his head “I'll ask around... I promise that I'll ask around. There's nothing more I can do. But you should think about the time, seven could be difficult, it would be easier to find something in the afternoon.”

The voices moved towards Ian. He quickly looked down at his backpack and rummaged around in it.

“I know that...” Mickey said “...if I could work in the afternoon it would...” he went silent.

“Ian.” Mr. Miller said and scratched the back of his head “What are you still doing here?”  
  
“I just... I wanted to talk to you about the book list.” Ian stuttered “I...”

Then Ian talked about 15 minutes with Mr. Miller about the book list, he didn't even listen to himself, he didn't care which book he would read, he had to read or wouldn't read.

There was only one story he was interested in.

A fairy tale story. And it was on no list.

 

During lunch break it started to snow.

Soft white flakes were falling down for a little while 'til anyone noticed them, they reminded Ian of his mother.

Ian sat at the students room, sipping on his coffee and looked out of the window, when he saw someone walking trough the snow.

Someone with a green military parka and a black woolen hat, it was Mickey, he seemed to be in a hurry.

Ian placed his coffee mug on the table, grabbed his jacket, put it on and went outside.

The snow was slippery under Ian's feet, he ran towards Mickey.

Ian reached Mickey when he already sat on his bike, he was about to put his headphones on, he tried to entwire them, Ian wanted to grab those headphones.  
  
"Fuck Mickey…" Ian breathed, he was out of breath "...where are you going?"  
  
Mickey looked at him with raised eyebrows "That's non of your fucking business, Gallagher."  
  
"Of course..." Ian replied and rolled his "...everything in the world is always just your own fucking business. You’re writing a goddamn exam in 15 minutes." Ian narrowed his eyes.

“Bullshit.” Mickey said, put the headphones on and laid his hands on the handlebar of his bike.

Ian grabbed the handlebar with his right hand to stop Mickey from driving away, he looked in his pale blue eyes and said “When you’re absent, you'll get 0 points.”

Mickey looked down on Ian's hand, knitted his eyesbrows and breathed “Maybe there are more important things in life than fucking points.”

"Yeah..." Ian darted his tongue out to wet his lips "Stripes, Mick."

Mickey grinned, though Ian could see that he was trying to hide it “Stripes, huh?”

“The fuck's going on?” Ian asked him and took his hand off the handlebar.

Mickey did the same “I’m not running away from the exam. I’ll come back. I’ll be late, but I’ll come back. I’ll write half of the exam.”

“What’s going on, Mick?” Ian asked again.

Mickey closed his eyes and took a deep breathe before he said “Mandy...she forget her keys, I just noticed it a few minutes ago. She put her keys in my backpack or somehow they got there. She’s going home alone from school. I don’t want her to wait outside the door for like forever. Her father is around, and I don’t want... you know? Just forget about that whole shit, tell  _your_  Karen I’m sick.”

Ian stretched his hand towards Mickey and said “I'm gonna tell my Karen shit. Give me the keys, Mick.”

“What?” Mickey raised his eyebrows.

“Give me the keys. I’ll drive. I’m just missing Music class.” Ian shrugged and smiled a little at him.

Mickey laughed and shook his head “Ian Gallagher, you really think I would give you the keys to my fucking apartment?”

“I think you have 7 minutes left ‘til your exam starts and I think you want to graduate. I don’t bite little kids. Not often. So give me the fucking keys.”

It wouldn’t work, he would think Ian was fucking crazy and drive himself. Of course he would drive himself, he knew it.

Mickey slightly shook his head and said “You’re fucking crazy. Totally.”

But he got off the bike.

“Six minutes left ‘til your exam.” Ian said while looking on his phone.

“It’s the round one.” Mickey said, he meant the key, Ian wrapped his hand around it.

“Take my bike. You know the Aldi at the East Sea Block? We live at Amundsen Street, that’s right behind there. Number 18. To get to the yard you have to…”

“I’m able to read house numbers, Mick.” Ian grinned at him.

“In which school does she go? Just in case she noticed the thing with the keys and waits for you because she thinks you’ll pick her up...”

Mickey knitted his eyebrows “I only pick her up on Fridays... You know the elementary school at the stadium? You go there between the gas station and Wolgaster road, somewhere there you’ll find her. Just give her the keys, she can let herself in.”

“Hurry up.” Ian smiled and nodded towards the school building.

Ian watched Mickey walking towards the school, he smiled to himself.

He already sat on Mickey’s bike when the other boy turned around and shouted something Ian couldn’t understand, maybe it was “Thanks.”

Neither Ian nor Mickey saw that Trevor was watching them through a window of the student’s room.

 

Ian first drove to Mandy’s school, he thought about how he would explain his absence in music class.

He could ask Frank to write him an exculpation, but what the hell should he tell Frank?

Ian was looking for a pink jacket with fake fur, but he couldn’t find one, Ian saw a woman with blond curly hair, she looked like a teacher, so Ian walked up to her.

“Excuse me.” he said “I’m looking for Mandy… Mandy Milkovich. Her brother send me, to pick her up. She forgot her keys.”

“Oh Mandy.” the woman smiled at Ian “Mandy’s in my class, such a sweet girl. Is she always going home alone?”

That’s none of your fucking business Ian wanted to say, it just sounded like Mickey when he thought it.

“Yeah, expect on Fridays.” Ian smiled politely at her.

The woman nodded “Are you her brother?”

“No.” Ian said “I’m her cousin. She already left?”

“Yeah she did.” the woman said and Ian noticed that the woman also had a lot of questions on her mind, just like himself.

“She said, that she has to go to Wieck.” the blond woman said “She has to. Seriously. She meant that she has to watch the ships. She talked the whole day about ships, a green one with a yellow sail…”

“Wheel.” Ian said “A yellow wheel. Thanks. I’ll see if I can catch her there.”

“Yeah, maybe you’ll meet her uncle.” the teacher said and smiled at Ian.

Uncle?, Ian thought.

“He asked about her. Wait a second – is it possible that a lot of people are bringing Mandy her keys today?” the teacher knitted her eyebrows.

“Could be.” Ian said, he hurried up to get on Mickey’s bike again. Shit, shit he had to hurry the fuck up.

 

Karen was writing her English exam, she couldn’t focus on the questions on the paper, she had other things on her mind.

She was looking at Lip, but Lip’s eyes were focused on the paper in front of him.

Her eyes were wandering around the class room, when a pair of pale blue eyes caught her glance, Milkovich.

She didn’t like the blue of his eyes, it was so fucking cold, it was freezing.

Karen narrowed her eyes, she thought about Ian, about Ian’s words. Explain the Ukrainian haberdasher to me.

And suddenly it seemed like they were having a silent dialogue, Mickey and her.

'I’m not blind' Karen said 'I mean I don’t know what’s that between you and Ian, I don’t know what you’re promising yourself from all that. But you want something. You need him for something, or else you would've never talked to him.'

'Leave me alone.' Mickey answered.

'Leave Ian alone, he lives in his own world. Sometimes I’m kinda jealous...He’s not like us, he’s different. So...fragile. Keep your hands off of him!' Karen almost shouted in her head.

'The fuck's up with you? You fucking crazy? I don’t even know him.' Mickey eyes answered.

'And  _he_  doesn’t know  _you._ That’s the point.' Karen knitted her eyebrows.

'The fuck you mean?' Mickey knitted his eyebrows too.

Karen sighed 'Like I said I’m not blind. I know a few things, which I won’t tell Ian...'

Mickey was looking back at the paper in front of him, he quit the silent dialogue.

Did he really understood what her eyes were telling him?

 

After the exam Karen and Lip stood outside the school, they were having a smoke.

Lips golden hair tickled her neck, as he leaned over her to give her his lighter.

Why was her mind circling around Ian? He said he had no longer a crush on Milkovich, he said he fell for a cute college boy.

“Hey...” Lip said quietly “...which bike is our Ukrainian haberdasher driving today?”

“Shit, that’s Ian’s bike.” Karen answered as quiet as Lip and quieter for herself “A college boy, huh? Don’t fucking lie to me, honey.”

She stubbed her half smoked cigarette out and said with a sudden anger “Fuck...” and added a little too loud “...that will end in a fucking disaster.”

“What?” Lip asked and looked a little perplex at her.

“Nothing...” Karen said and laughed “...my exam. The graduation. What doesn’t end in a fucking disaster in life? You got another cigarette for me?”


	6. Terry

In summer there were a lot of boats out there in Wieck, there were a lot of sailors, a lot of tourists, but in February the harbor was almost empty. It looked like a ghost town.

Only fisher boats were left, not as picturesquely as in summer, they looked they were in need for repair.

Ian leaned the bike against the fence of a restaurant that was in an oddly state between open and closed.

Ian walked along the river, walked by the fisher boats and was looking for a pink jacket and he found it.

Mandy appeared behind a pile of boxes, she was standing there a little unsteady and Ian saw what she was looking at.

There was a yacht, the only one left in the water. An abandoned yacht, which didn't spend the winter on land.

It was big, bold and dark green.

Mandy shook her black braids out of her face, it looked like she was talking to someone on that yacht.

An awkward feeling washed over Ian’s body, something was wrong, very wrong. Mickey didn't say anything about looking for Mandy on a yacht.

He started to run, he slipped and fell down on the snow, the snow was mixed with fish scales and dirt – he got up again and continued to run.

The green ship with the white sails was part of the fairy tale, not a part of the harbor in Wieck.

For a second Ian was afraid the ship would cast off and disappear in front of his eyes and he would never see Mandy again.

Thank God the ship stayed. Ian stopped right in front of it.

No one was on board, but he heard voices from behind the cabin – Mandy's voice and the voice of an adult.

The cold took the words to Ian, clearly and intelligibly like they were written on paper.

“You don't have a yellow wheel.” Mandy stated, she sounded so shy.

“No.” said the voice of a man “Didn't know I should have a yellow wheel.”

“I just thought you have one, you know.” Mandy said “Mickey told me about it. Is this your ship, yours alone?”

“Yeah it's mine and if you want, it can be yours too. We can cast off together, in summer. I mean we can do that if you like ships?” the man said, his voice was low, it sounded like he was a heavy smoker.

“I totally love ships.” Mandy answered and Ian could hear her smile “I just don't know if Mickey would allow that. In my fairy tale I'm driving on a ship too, it looks almost the same, but only almost. Do you have a sea lion on your ship?”

“A sea lion? No.” the man said a little irritated.

“Mickey said on the green ship there's a sea lion. He took it or he built it? I can't remember that exactly.”

“Mickey says a lot of things, huh?” the man stated annoyed.

“Yeah.” Mandy said “He's my brother.”

“I know Mandy.” the man nodded “I know.”

“How... who told you that?” Mandy asked “Who told you my name?”

“I was waiting for you, sweetheart.” the man answered “I was waiting for such a long time, you know. I knew one day you'll come and find me. Maybe you can come with me in summer. I was lonely without you.”

In his voice Ian could hear the sadness of all the lonely men in the whole wide world. Ian didn't like that kind of sadness, it didn't really felt like sadness.

Ian walked a little further along the shore so he could see around the cabin.

The man was sitting on a bench, Mandy stood there with her pink jacket and looked at him with big eyes, she didn't understand what the man was talking about.

But Ian could see that Mandy was sorry for him, she was that kind of girl that felt sorry for lonely men.

She was the queen of cliffs, she healed the melancholic dragon.

“You don't know who I am, huh?” the man asked and the sadness in his voice became deeper and wider and even more wrong.

Mandy looked down on her hands “No, I'm sorry.” she lifted her head up again and added “Tell me. Who are you?”

“Mandy...my little sweetheart.” he pushed up his sleeves and Ian could see a tattoo on his arm.

“But...that's... that's my name.” Mandy stuttered and looked at the man’s arm with wide eyes and raised eyebrows.

The man pulled her closer and she sat down on his knee.

Ian’s hand clenched to a fist, he took a deep breath to calm him down, what happened there was so wrong, but he needed to know if it was him, if he was Mandy’s father, Terry.

“Of course it's your name.” he said “I'm Terry. You know who Terry is?”

“I heard that name before.” Mandy knitted her eyebrows “Who is he again?”

“Your father, Mandy. I'm your dad. I wasn't allowed to see you for a long long time. They forbid it. Your mother and ... especially Mickey. He hates me, don't know why. Your mother... she's gone, isn't she?”

Mandy pressed her lips together and nodded “She went on a journey, but she's coming back soon.”

“Until she comes back you could live with me.” Terry smiled at her “I got a big beautiful apartment, you would have your own room... the apartment is pretty empty. It's sad living alone in an empty apartment, you know?”

Mandy got up, took a deep breath and said politely “No thank you. I rather stay with Mickey. Mickey isn't on a journey and he isn't going away, not without me. Don't tell my mum, but Mickey is way more important than her. She was always there, but just like a little bit, I don't know where the rest of her was… it isn't that bad that she's on a journey. Can I drive with you on that ship without moving away from Mickey?”

“Of course you can.” the man said, in his voice Ian could hear his disappointment “That would make me pretty happy and you can think about the whole thing with moving in with me. I know your apartment, it's pretty small. I lived there for 2 years, you know, but you can't remember that. Are you going there? Home? Should I take you home?”

“No… I'm a big girl I can go alone.” Mandy grinned “But can I take a look at the ship before I go? I wanna take a look inside cabin.”

“Sure.” the man nodded, stood up and laid his arm around Mandy's shoulder.

That was enough, Ian stood there already way too long without doing anything. But maybe his odd feeling about the man was wrong, it wasn't his fault that his name was Terry, right?

Maybe it was none of Ian's business, but that whole scene displeased him so fucking much.

Everything about Terry seemed fake and sleazy and just fucking wrong. Ian doubted that the ship was his.

Ian raised one of his arms and yelled "Mandy…Mandy."

Mandy and Terry looked up, the man’s eyes looked like Ian had caught him. His arm was still wrapped around Mandy's shoulder, he didn't let go of her.

"Who's that?" the man asked the little girl.

"Oh, that's Ian." Mandy said so naturally as if she would know him for years and somehow that felt like a sting in Ian's chest.

"You forgot your keys." Ian shouted towards her "I got them… I'll tell you later why. Let's go, it's pretty cold." Ian applied.

"Yeah just a minute I want to take look at the ship, Ian. Then I'll come." Mandy smiled at him.

"No. You're coming now. Right now." Ian said as serious as possible, but it didn't help.

"Just a minute." Mandy smiled again.

"Come on Mandy. Now. It's freezing out here." Ian said again this time a little louder.

"Just a minute." Mandy sang again.

Shit. Ian took a deep breath, he needed to get Mandy off that fucking ship.

"Ian. So you're Ian? And who's this Ian, who thinks he can command my little daughter? Who are you?" Terry looked with narrowed eyes at him and scratched his mustache with his thumb.

Ian swallowed, who was he? A boy in a bubble. Son of Monica and Frank Gallagher. Who was living in a house, where the air was always blue. A musician, a graduate, Karen's little sterile brother.

No he was a person, who didn't know who he was. Ian swallowed again.

Terry held Mandy tight and said "She's my daughter."

"No she isn't." Ian slightly shook his head "Biological maybe."

Terry snorted, Mandy was looking insecure from him to Ian.

"And I doubt that's your ship." Ian added and knitted his eyebrows.

“Of course it’s mine.” Terry said quiet and sharp and Ian knew he was lying.

“Mickey sent you, didn’t he?” he asked “Tell him that I know. Natasha won’t come back. She’s gone. I’ll take care of my daughter, like every father would do. And when he wants to hear that personally than he has to come.”

“Mandy...” Ian said and looked the little girl in her blue eyes “...you remember what the white mare said? Before the isle sank?”

Terry grimaced and asked angrily “The fu…What are you talking about? The hell does that mean? Is that some kind of an argot?”

“The white mare?” Mandy asked and suddenly her eyes looked sad “She said she would die… oh that was horrible… and that I have to run pretty fast when I met a man who carries my name…”

Ian looked at Terry’s tattoo, it said MANDY in big black letters.

Mandy seemed to understand, she shook Terry’s hand from her shoulders and quickly said “I gotta go. I’ll take a look at the ship another time. Bye.”

“Wait!” Terry shouted, but Mandy ran pretty quick along the rail and took the hand Ian stretched out towards her.

“We run, okay?” Ian said “Who’s first at the bridge? One, two…” Ian counted and they started to run.

Ian let her win, he turned around at the first bridge, but thank God Terry didn’t follow them.

“Ian?” Mandy said out of breath “Did Mickey send you?”

“Yeah.” Ian nodded “Don’t believe that man, not a single word, you hear me? Mandy…your mum…she'll come back, soon, I’m sure about that…I know that, Mickey told me. Now, I bring you home. You can sit on the carrier, okay?”

“But the ship.” Mandy said, sitting on the carrier already “Ian, the ship was beautiful wasn’t it? Maybe he wanted to give me some chocolate, down in the cabin. He looked like a man, who would give you chocolate.”

“Exactly.” Ian shivered a little “That’s exactly how he looked like.”

Ian asked himself if Natasha would ever come back. Mickey didn’t think so. Terry didn’t think so. Did both of them knew where she was, but didn’t want to say it?

 

“Is it okay, when I come in and make some lunch?” Ian asked, he didn’t want to leave Mandy alone, he was kinda scared that Terry would show up.

“Make lunch? Can you cook?” Mandy asked while she played with her black braids.

Ian laughed “We’ll find something to eat.”

Mandy knitted her eyebrows and said “Mum couldn’t make us lunch... she always forgot... she had other things to do, she needed to go somewhere or something like that..."

Mandy was silent for quite a second and added quickly “... but she was nice. She has to come back… I think…”

“Yeah.” Ian said “She’ll come back. She will. But not today.”

There was no elevator to get to their apartment, Ian and Mandy were climbing up the stairs.

They walked by a dead plant at the third floor, when Ian heard a door open downstairs and someone shouted “Mandy, is that you?”

“Yes.” Mandy answered and rolled her eyes.

“That’s Miss Pattel.” she said quietly to Ian “I don’t like her. She has 3 little kids, but they’re not hers. She yells all the time and they yell, it’s a quite loud family.”

“Who’s that boy, Mandy?” the voice asked.

“That’s Ian.” Mandy answered.

“And who’s Ian?” Miss Pattel asked “Does he take care of you now?”

Mandy didn’t’ answer, she quickly took the last steps and hurried up to unlock the door to the apartment, Ian followed her.

“Please put your shoes right there.” Mandy said “I painted that. And that.” The wall was full of her drawings, she drew apple trees, houses, sea lions.

“That one in the kitchen I just made yesterday.” Mandy said and pushed Ian in a room that wasn’t much bigger than a bathroom.

Above the stove was a drawing of a... Ian couldn’t tell what it was it kinda looked like a ball of fur or something like that.

“That’s the diamond.” Mandy explained proudly “The heart, you know? The heart from the little queen of cliffs.”

The kitchen was pretty clean but at the same time it looked kinda wrecked.

There were a lot of photos on the wall, there was one which showed a little boy, he was about 12 years old with a little girl on his lap, he was staring stolidly past the camera.

There were a lot of photos from the little girl on that wall, she was smiling in all of them, but Ian didn’t see a single photo of a mother, he quickly took his eyes of that wall.  
  
Ian found flour and eggs and a pan, he found sugar and oil, so he decided to make griddlecakes. Mandy sat behind him on the counter and watched him.

“They’ll burn, but that doesn't matter. When I'm alone I only eat bread with butter.” she said when she looked at the pan.

Mandy took a deep breath before she went on "Ian? I can’t stop thinking about Terry. Is he my dad or not? You said biologically, what does that mean?”

“That means…” Ian tried to get the griddlecake out of the pan “...that your mother and Terry…”

“Oh...” Mandy said “...they fucked?” Mandy quickly put a finger on her lips and whispered “Don’t tell Mickey, that I said the f word. He tries to believe that I don’t even know that word.”

“You know what that word means?” Ian asked with raised eyebrows.

“No, not really.” Mandy shrugged.

“You’ll learn that, one day, and I’ll learn to make griddlecakes. One day I’ll learn that, hopefully. Do you have jam?”

“Strawberry.” Mandy smiled.

 

Mandy and Ian sat in a living room that was as clean but also as bleak as the kitchen.

There was a little dark table and a gray couch and a much too big TV. The hangings were snowshoe with flowers on them.

Mandy ate 3 griddlecakes, the strawberry jam was all over her smiling face “You can make them more often.”

“Sure, if you want me to.” Ian smiled back at her. Ian thought about Monica’s griddle cakes, made in their blue universe and he swallowed hard.

“You look sad, what’s wrong?” Mandy asked and her big blue eyes were looking at him.

“No, I’m not sad…” Ian answered “...I was just thinking about stuff, you know.”

“Oh I understand. Sometimes I’m thinking about stuff too, but I know something that will distract your thoughts.” Mandy smiled and leaned over to whisper in Ian's ear “You wanna know how the fairy tale continues?”

“Yeah.” Ian said without thinking twice.

“Me too.” Mandy whispered “He didn’t tell me story the last weekend, he said he needed to think about it, but I saw that he wrote something down. And I think I know where the notes are, should we cheat?”

“Maybe.” Ian answered, but on his face was a bright grin.

Mandy grinned back, quickly got up and raced at the other end of the apartment.

Ian stood up and cleaned the dishes while Mandy was searching for the notes.

Ian recognized the imprint on the flatware, a relic from the GDR, just like the hangings.

Ian asked himself how old Natasha had been. Had been? Did he just thought _had been_?

“Found them.” Mandy shouted proudly and held the notes up in the air, Ian smiled at that gorgeous view.

“Come, we can read it in my room.” Mandy said and Ian felt kinda honored.

Mandy took Ian’s hand and led him to a room that consisted of a loft bed, there was no room left for something else. Under the bed stood a table and there was no window.

“Mickey built the bed. Mickey always tells stories while we’re laying on my bed, so I think we’ll both fit on it. Take care the third step is loose.” Mandy smiled at Ian.

She held the notes towards Ian and said “Read aloud. Miss Layla will listen too. She’s also in that story so she gotta know how it goes on.”

 

_“The green ship with the yellow wheel was sailing for 3 days now._

_The wind kept the ship going, the little queen of cliffs was standing at the prow with Miss Layla in her arms, whose dress whiffed in the wind._

_Sometimes the sea was clear like blue glass, you could see to the ground, there swam purple jellyfishes with silver design and long red tentacles, they were more beautiful than any summer flower the little queen had ever seen._

_'Yeah they’re beautiful.' the sea lion said 'But they’re also quite dangerous. They can burn you with their beauty.'_

_The sea lion swam beside the green ship, sometimes he was gone, but when the little queen thought the sea was too big and she was too small and lost, he came back to comfort her._

_At night the little queen and Miss Layla were sleeping in the cabin. In there was a large bed with polar bear fur on it._

_Where the polar bears lived melted the ice said the sea lion, because of the global warming caused by humans._

_The polar bears went onshore and became politics, but first they shed their fur so that nobody would recognize them._

_The sea lion only had to fish the fur out of the sea…_

 

_One night the little queen went on deck to look at the stars. She found the Little Dipper, but she also found an apple tree, a white mare and a canopy bed._

_'There you are.' the little queen smiled at the white mare in the sky 'How beautiful you are! The nights on sea are very beautiful...'_

_'Yeah they’re beautiful.' the sea lion whispered from beside the ship 'But they’re also cold. They can freeze you to ice with their beauty when you look at them for too long.'_

_The little queen went back inside the cabin, laid down on her bed and cuddled Miss Layla close to her chest._

_The morning came and the sun was kissing the sea with a red kiss, the sun rise was stunning, the little queen looked at the waves and said to Miss Layla 'Maybe it would be nice to swim beside the ship for a little while just like the sea lion. The waves are awesome...'_

_'Yes they are.' the sea lion said and stretched his head out of a big wave 'But they’re also greedy. They can swallow you, when you follow them.'_

_'Oh come on.' the little queen stumped her feet 'Isn’t there one thing out there that is just beautiful and not dangerous?'_

_'Maybe we’ll find something on our journey.' the sea lion answered 'But we can’t waste too much time searching. Look my little queen, there’s also something that’s only dangerous and not beautiful at all.'_

_The little queen looked around and she saw that the black ship was about to catch up._

_'Last night I swam to that ship.' the sea lion said 'A sea lion is a hundred times faster than a ship. There stood a hunter at the wheel, he wore a red coat, red like blood. He had a mustache and his eyes were as blue as yours, my little queen. There was a little diamond embroidered on his sleeve, the goal of his seeking - your heart.'_

_'But what does he want to do with it?' the little queen asked with wide eyes._

_'He wants to possess it.' the sea lion answered 'That’s enough. He wants to look at its beauty and to know that his hands are the only ones able to touch it.'_

_'Why do you know that?' the little queen asked 'You’re just making this up.'_

_'Oh my little queen, I wish it would be that way.' the sea lion responded 'But the hunter who’s chasing us is no foreign man to the sea. He already stole a lot of diamonds. He keeps them for a little while in his dark house, on his own isle, wide away. Someday those diamonds lose their shine and he becomes tired of possessing and touching them. He throws them back into the sea. But your heart is the biggest of all the diamonds out there. He's already searching for it for such a long long time.'_

_'What’s his name?' the little queen asked and shivered a little 'I want to know how to call him, when I meet him in my dreams.'_

_'When you meet him...' the sea lion said '...he will tell you to call him dad.'_

 

 _On the fourth day they saw a light wandering over the sea, it came back again and again._  
  
_'That’s a lighthouse.' the sea lion pointed out._  
  
_'Oh please, can we go there?' the little queen shouted in excitement 'Maybe the lighthouse keeper has some cocoa for us.'_  
  
_The sea lion turned his head towards the black ship, it wasn’t that close anymore. Two of his black sails seemed to be loose, as if someone bit through the ropes at night._  
  
_'Okay.' the sea lion said 'We have enough advance for a mug of cocoa.'_

_A little while later they tied up the green ship on the isle of the lighthouse keeper and the little queen and Miss Layla went ashore._

_She laughed cause she felt a little dizzy after 4 days on sea._

_'Sea lio?' she yelled, but as she looked around she couldn’t find him, but her eyes found a grey dog with golden eyes._

_He opened his mouth and said 'It’s me, my little queen, I’m different ashore.'_

_The little queen felt a little scared - which was his right form and did he have a third one?_

_She knocked on the door of the lighthouse and the lighthouse keeper opened and said with a smile on his face 'Hello my dear, come in. I watched your ship through my window. I guided you the way with my light so that you don’t run aground on the rocks that are hiding underneath the water surface.'_

_He stroke his beard and asked 'You want some cocoa?'_

_The little queen nodded and they climbed up the stairs ‘til the very last floor of the lighthouse._

_The view was more than beautiful, you could see the whole sea. The lighthouse keeper made some cocoa on his little stove on the other side of the room._

_The grey dog laid down on the ground underneath the table, laid his head on his paws and closed his eyes._

_'There’s another ship out there.' the little queen said 'Do you guide it the way as well? Like us?'_

_'Of course, I’ll show the way to all the ships out there.' the lighthouse keeper smiled at the little queen._

_'But how do you know which of them are good and which are bad?' she asked with a serious voice 'This one out there is bad, I know that, but you don’t and you guide it the way...'_

_'That’s true.' answered the lighthouse keeper seriously and knitted his eyebrows._

_'On that ship are hunters.' the little queen continued 'They want to steal my heart, and if they do, I die. We need to reach the onshore, before they catch up, before they catch me.'_

_'Oh.' the lighthouse keeper breathed 'That’s horrible, my dear. Maybe I showed the way to a lot of bad ships before.'_

_He took off his glasses and scratched his head with it 'What am I here for than?'_

_He turned around to the little queen and put on his glasses again 'When I show the way the good and the bad ones it's the same as if I would show the way to no one, isn't it? Maybe I should give up on that. Maybe I should come with you to the onshore.'_

_The grey dog opened his eyes, lifted his his body from the ground and came from underneath the table and sniffled on his shoes, looked at him with his golden eyes and wagged his tail._  
  
_'Look, he says you can come with us.' the little queen said, smiled at the man and petted the dogs head._  
  
_'Alright, my dear. I'm just packing a few things. Maybe I can help on the ship. What's its name?' the lighthouse keeper asked._  
  
_'Uhm... I don't know.' the little queen answered honestly 'Maybe we'll find that out on our journey.'_  
  
_The lighthouse keeper shut the light at the lighthouse, in that night no light would guide the black ship, but it was still day._

_They went on the ship and sailed away._

_Beside the ship the sea lion appeared out of the waves. The lighthouse keeper nodded as if he would know about the transformation._

_The black ship was nearer than ever before._

_The little queen could feel the greed of the red hunter and her diamond heart pounded fastly in her chest."_

 

For a little while both of them were silent, but Mandy broke the silence "That's it?"

"Hmm." Ian nodded, still looking at the paper at Mickey's handwriting.  
  
"You sure? Turn the paper." Mandy said with knitted eyebrows.  
  
"I already turned the page. That's all, Mands... at least for now." Ian smiled at her.  
  
"A diamond heart. You really think I have something like that? I mean when you light with a such machine inside of me, you could see that right?" Mandy asked and looked down on her hands.  
  
"Don't worry Mands you heart is made out of flesh and blood." Ian smiled reassuring at her and gently brushed his hand over her black her "Don't be afraid, it's just a story."  
  
"I know but..." Mandy said and played with her hands. Mandy was interrupted by the noise of an opening door and footsteps at the hall.

Ian sat there silent and he saw that even Mandy tried her best to be as quiet as possible.

Terry, Ian thought, did he have a key?

Did they leave the door unlocked?

How much time did pass since they got there? Enough time to get to the apartment per foot.

The hall door opened, it wasn't Terry, it was Mickey.

Of course it was Mickey.

Ian breathed out, and went down the bed right after Mandy.

Mickey's eyes were staring at him, cold, icy, they remembered Ian on a dark cold night at the sea.

"What you doing here?" he asked.  
  
"I made griddlecakes... for lunch..." Ian stuttered and looked down at the notes in his hands.

Mickey followed his glance and pulled them out of his hands, folded the paper and put it in the pocket of his pants.

"Mandy is able to make her a sandwich for lunch." he said "Like everyday. I didn't ask you to come here."  
  
"I ... I don't want... I..." Ian stuttered "How was the exam?"  
  
"Ian did read a little aloud but it was my fault." Mandy said "I asked him to. It was so comfortable, you know and maybe you can show Ian how to make griddlecakes ... without burning them..." Mandy smiled her sweetest smile.  
  
"Ian wants to go now. He has his own home and he has a lot to do." Mickey said, he didn't touch Ian, he didn't push him towards the door, but he didn't take his icy blue eyes off of him.

"Your bike is in front of the house." he said to Ian and pressed his lips together.  
  
"My bike? It... it was locked." Ian said with knitted eyebrows while he opened the door.

"Combination lock." Mickey shrugged "Every idiot can crack that. You have enough money to buy a better one."  
  
Ian walked towards the stairs and turned around again "Mick, I only brought her home, because you asked me to."  
  
"I didn't fucking ask for anything." Mickey said with a cold voice, Ian was wrong he could be scary even without the hat.  
  
"That was your goddamn idea. Just go home now. Thanks for the thing with the keys."  
  
Never before had the word 'thanks' burned so much on Ian's cheeks, it felt like a punch in his face.  
  
He went down the stairs without looking back, he slammed the door to the house shut behind him and he felt tears stinging in his eyes, tears of anger.  
  
Ian pressed his balms against his eyes, he didn't want to let a single tear fall down his cheek.  
  
His bike stood in front of the house locked with the useless combination lock.  
  
Ian got on his bike and drove home.  
  
His mind was blank, like a piece of paper, waiting for words to be written on it, waiting for the story to be continued.  
  
When he closed his eyes he could see a emproidered little diamond on a sleeve or was it Terry's tattooed arm?

 

Mickey leaned against the closed door and breathed a silent 'Shit.'

He didn't want to upset the redhead, but Ian needed to go, this was no place for him to be.

Ian was such a nice boy, he was good at school, played guitar, grew up safe and sound in a fucking nice neighborhood in a nice house with loving parents.

Ian was kind, he cared about other people though they kept pushing him away, Ian had just a pure soul.

And he was beautiful, with his red hair, emerald green eyes and those freckles spread all over his face.

Mickey was the whole opposite, he just wanted to graduate so he could get the hell out of this piece of shit neighborhood. Mickey did things Ian couldn't even think of to get some warm food on the table.

His life has always been difficult, shit it was more than difficult, his life was fucked up. The only thing what kept him going and sane was his little sister Mandy, he loved her with all his heart... he would do everything, really everything to protect her from all the bad in the world.

Someone like Ian could never be with someone like Mickey.

Karen was right, Ian was so fragile, but that wasn't bad, Mickey was almost jealous about his innocence. Ian was just too good for him.

Mickey closed his eyes, leaned his head in his neck and took a deep breath, no he wouldn't cry, he was the tough guy from the rough neighborhood, who only showed his heart and true self to his little sister.

 


	7. The boy of roses

That night Ian couldn't sleep, he was still fucking angry about what happened a few hours earlier.

How could Mickey throw him out of the fucking apartment? He only wanted to help him and Mandy, he only stayed there because he was afraid Terry would come and grab Mandy and leave with her.

Ian pressed his face in the pillow, bit in the fabric and screamed his anger into it ‘til he was out of breath and his throat burned. He lifted his head up from the pillow, suddenly he felt a little ashamed of his outburst, normally Ian wasn’t a person who gets angry that easy, but the way Mickey treated him, drove him mad.

He hoped that Frank and Monica didn’t hear his scream, he stood up from his bed, walked on silent feet towards the door and out of his room. He peeked around the corner, down the stairs.

Shit there was still light downstairs, Ian rolled his eyes but went down anyways. He needed some fucking water for his dry throat.   

Ian went down to the kitchen, opened the cabinet, took a glass and filled it up with water, he took a gulp, his throat felt immediately better.

It was Frank who was still up, he was sitting in the living room in his chair and reading the newspaper.

When Ian was young he thought his father could protect him from anything bad in the world. Kids are so fucking stupid.

On the couch table beside Frank stood a glass and a bottle of red wine. Ian went to the kitchen grabbed a wine glass and went back to the living room, he filled his glass with some wine and sat down on the couch.

A couple of minutes they sat there, both silent, enjoying the wine, Ian was looking down at the glass in his hands, Frank put the newspaper aside and looked at Ian "What's on your mind, son?"

"Nothing." Ian answered quietly, Frank looked at him and Ian shrugged and sighed "The world, I guess.”

"Yeah that's exactly how you look like." Ian could see a glimpse of worry in his father’s eyes.

"Why are some people the way they are, but other people are different? Why are some people happy and other people unhappy? Why do some people have money and some don't - yeah I know those are questions a child would ask."  
  
“You could study those questions, son.” Frank said “Philosophy. No. Economic science.”  
  
“I need an attestation, dad.” Ian said “I missed Music class today. About 2 'til 4.”  
  
Frank raised one of his eyebrows, but he didn't say anything for quite a while, he just looked at his son, Ian's eyes were pinned at the glass in his hands again.  
  
“When I was you age I also...” Frank began but didn't go on, he knew Ian would tell him when he wanted to.  
  
“Thanks.” Ian nodded and stood up. He turned around before he went upstairs and said “Frank?”   
  
“Hmm?” Frank looked up from the newspaper again.  
  
“The wine has gone off.” Ian climbed the rest of the stairs and went back to his room.

 

The following day Ian asked Trevor if he had time to study math in the afternoon, 'cause Karen had a study date with Lip.

Mickey came late and slept during Geography class.

Ian sat alone in the student’s room and watched Mickey speaking to the German class teacher outside, he couldn't understand what they were talking.

He was absent-minded. Ian lost reality somewhere at the staircase in the building were Mickey lived, it seemed like the blur of tears was still hanging over everything he saw.

Mr. Miller took his glasses of and scratched his head with them.

Beside the bakery was a little burger shack, somehow Ian felt like he needed to go there.

He got a coffee and stood by a little table and sipped on an almost cold coffee that was as horrible as the coffee at the student’s room.

Ian stood there at a bar table and drew with his finger something on the table.

“Ian.“ Someone said. “Ian. I’m sorry.“ Ian startled and subverted his mug with coffee, Ian could feel that his sleeve was soaking with coffee.

Ian looked up from the table, it was Mickey.

“W…What?“ Ian asked. Mickey grabbed a napkin and reached it to the redhead.

“I’m sorry for throwing you out of our apartment.“ Mickey said “I didn’t know that Terry… Mandy told me about it… I didn’t want…I… it’s nobody’s business, how we live...and... I'm really sorry.”  
  
Ian never heard Mickey stutter before, Ian smiled and he fell with a painful bang back to reality, the blur of tears broke and he felt that his sleeve was pretty wet.

“You were right, but I don't know what you mean – about the apartment – my place isn't as half as clean as yours.”  
  
“Did Mandy give you a tour?” Mickey asked with one of his eyebrows raised.  
  
Ian shook his head “Don't worry, I didn't see the rotting bodies under the bed.”  
  
There was a little smile on Mickey’s face, Ian’s heart made a little jump, Mickey was really fucking beautiful when he smiled.

“The story...” Ian said quickly to interrupt his own thoughts “...we... I shouldn't have read it.”  
  
“No…” Mickey shook his head hardly noticeable, but that little smile was still on his face.

Mickey took a deep breath, the smile faded when he said “Terry… Mandy's father... he... he was out of town for a while, at least I haven't seen him for some time. Now... you met him. You understand why I didn't want him to show up, don't you?”  
  
“I guess, yeah.” Ian nodded slowly.  
  
“Think a little further, than take the outcome raise that to the second power and than you have the approximately truth. He's known in the neighborhood, in those cheap bars, you know... Natasha was a blooper. His girlfriends are rather about 15 or 16 years old… if at all.”  
  
“Mandy's six, that's something different.” Ian said and knitted his eyebrows.  
  
“Exactly.” Mickey said, looked down on his hand, it was clinched to a fist, so tight it almost hurt.  
  
“You really think, he would... that's a huge accusation. If there were any proofs for something like that, he would go to jail, Mick...” Ian said, his eyes looked confused at the other boy.

Mickey looked up from his hand, in his eyes was glowing blue ice and he said coldly “Would…If. People are talking. I know a few things. I know a few things pretty fucking well, Ian. When I...” suddenly Mickey stopped, there was something in his eyes. Was it anger, sadness? Ian couldn’t tell.

Mickey bit down on his bottom lip and asked “Would you chance it?”

Ian shook his head “There are administrative bodies for things like that... court decisions... about custody. When he's not allowed to see her, he's not allowed to see her. There are institutions to protect children.” Ian babbled, still a little shocked about Mickey’s accusations.

“Ian.” Mickey took a deep breath and said really quiet “You don't get it.”

“No?” Ian was confused as fuck.

“I'm not 18 yet, I can't get any kind of custody. When Natasha really isn’t coming back, than Mandy belongs to him. Like a piece of bread... like a stray dog...Like...”

“Like a lost diamond.” Ian stated quietly.

“That's why I need you to keep your fucking mouth shut.” Mickey whispered “We live in that goddamn apartment with our mother. Everything's fucking fine, we have no problems. You get that?” Mickey grabbed Ian's arm, he sounded so desperate, he almost sounded like a helpless little child.

Somewhere in Ian's head the thought appeared that Mickey had been that child, which lived with Terry in that apartment years ago, he pushed that thought somewhere wide wide away, somewhere at the dark side of the moon.

“I get it.” Ian whispered “I've never been at your place, and if I was I had a really nice conversation with Natasha. My mother and her are listening to the same old music...”

Mickey let Ian's arm go, it seemed like he suddenly felt uncomfortable with touching him. He looked around, but there was no one that could have seen them.

“I'm picking her up now.” Mickey said and scratched one of his eyebrows with his thumb.

“Aren’t you supposed to go to Math class?” Ian smirked.

“Ugh yeah… fuck that… I need to pick her up.” Mickey smiled and added “We’ll be at Wieck around 5.”

“Around 5.” Ian nodded and mirrored Mickey’s smile.

 

Trevor's existence came to Ian's mind again after Math class.

“Ian.” Trevor said with a smile on his too small and too serious face “You look like you understood shit.”

“No…” Ian murmured “A lot...What?”

“We can go through the rest at my place.” Trevor smiled “I can explain you that shit if you explain me the last... Ian? You’ve seen a ghost or something?”

“Yeah.” Ian knitted his eyebrows “Oh no… Shit. Sorry Trevor I can't today.”

Trevor's black hair was curled where he didn't like it, his glasses always slipped down his nose, he always looked like he was deep in thoughts or kind of living in his own world, maybe he was. Ian liked Trevor, but today Ian didn't give a shit about math problems, he had better things to do.

“That whole math thing was your idea, not mine, you wanted to work through those things.” Trevor said, his smile was gone.  
  
“Shit, I know, Trev. I still want to, just not today, okay? Something cropped up.” Ian said and smiled a little at him, Ian was too much Ian Gallagher to except a bad grade in math.  
  
Trevor put his glasses back in the right position and asked “Something or someone, Ian?” He looked so serious, as if he would know every single thought in Ian's head, every little worry.

“Someone.” Ian said, Trevor didn't know Ian's thoughts, such a guff. He smiled apologizing at Trevor “My guitar teacher, she called me during lunch break to postpone our lesson from next week to today. I totally forgot about the math thing, sorry.”  
  
Trevor nodded “Your guitar teacher, sure?”  
  
Ian had still a smile on his face “Sure.” Ian felt that he blushed, like a little child that got caught.

 

First Ian drove home cause he had the odd feeling that Trevor was somewhere near and watching him, though he couldn't see him. He turned around a few times during his way home and said to himself that he was paranoid.  
  
Why should Trevor follow him?  
  
But yet he grabbed his guitar and his scores from his room.  
  
Paranoid. Completely.

He drove two streets towards where his guitar teacher lived, though he didn't even know if Trevor knew where she lived.

Paranoid.

Enough!

It was already 5:05 pm. Ian turned in the street that lead to Wieck.

 

As Ian brushed the snow from his hat, the clock at the Utkieks showed 5:30 pm.

He had the feeling to be late for the most important thing in his life.

The story would continue without him, the little queen was gone without him...

Ian entered the café, his eyes desperately searching for Mandy and Mickey, his eyes found the pink jacket.

They were sitting at the end of the café, Mandy's hands were wrapped around the mug in front of her.

There was a third chair at their table, Ian smiled to himself. He forgot his worries, his queasy conscience, math and Trevor.

The siblings leaned forward, both were whispering as if they were plotting something.

Ian slowly walked towards them, when he almost reached the table Mandy and Mickey looked up.

Mandy had a bright smile on her face “Told you he would come.”

Mickey nodded and tried to hide the smile on his lips “Ian.” He said his name like he wanted to be sure that it was really him and not someone else.

“Yeah.” Ian smiled “Sorry I’m late… Hi Mands. Good afternoon Miss Layla.”  
  
“Hi, Miss Layla is already pretty impatient, you know.” Mandy said “Can we start now?”  
  
Ian sat down, they waited for him, they really waited for him.  
  
“Mickey said if you wouldn't make it 'til 6 we would continue without you.” Mandy babbled “And he thought you wouldn't come anyways.”  
  
“Mandy.” Mickey said a little embarrassed “Should I start or not?”  
  
“Sure.” Mandy said and grinned at her brother.  
  
“Sure.” Ian blurt out and somehow he managed to order a cup of tea with only using his hands.

Mickey the story teller opened a door to a wide sea and a green ship with an unknown name.

 

_"The black ship with its black sails didn't darken the sky behind them anymore._

_'Sometime its shadow darkens the sun.' the little queen said and at that moment the lighthouse keeper shouted from above the lookout 'I see an isle. I can barely see her, my glasses are a little fogged.’_

_A little while later the little queen and Miss Layla saw the isle as well and then the little queen could smell it. The beautiful smell of thousands of blossoms enwrapped the whole ship, slowly and incredible. A feeling of relieve and happiness washed over the little queen's heart._

_The further they got the more snow started to fall down from the sky. The lighthouse keeper wanted to smoke his pipe, but it didn't work ‘It's blocked from the snow, but wait those are not snowflakes… rose petals, it snows rose petals.’_

_Then the little queen saw it too, the deck was full with rose petals, red and white ones._

_'Little queen.' the sea lion said ‘Are you sure we should dock here?’_

_‘Of course.’ the little queen nodded ‘Look how beautiful this isle is. There are hundreds of rose bushes on it and they all bloom. This isle is more beautiful than mine ever was.’_

_The sea lion sighed deeply._

_The little queen, Miss Layla and the lighthouse keeper were going ashore._

_Behind them the gray dog with the golden eyes came out of the water, the dog made a few steps, sniffled in the direction of the isle, barked loudly and evil and went back to the water._

_‘Seems like he doesn't like it here.’ the lighthouse keeper said and raised his eyebrows._  
  
‘But... but I like it here.’ the little queen said and ran down the path which lead through a cordon of red and white roses. The lighthouse keeper followed her, pensively, smoking his pipe.

_Behind the cordon there were a few people waiting for them.  
‘Welcome to the isle of roses.’ said one of them ‘It's not common for us to get visitors. Who are you?’_

_‘I'm the queen of cliffs.’ the little queen answered ‘but unfortunately my kingdom sunk. That lady in my pocket is Miss Layla and that is the lighthouse keeper, but his lighthouse doesn't glow anymore. And who are you?’_

_‘We are the people of roses.’ the people answered and you could see that because all of them were wearing blooming rose tendrils. Their skin was light and they had rosy cheeks, their hair was red and their eyes were friendly and dreamily._

_‘Come with us. You must be hungry and thirsty after your long journey.’ a boy said and the people of roses lead the little queen to the core of the isle, to a pavilion made out of rose bushes. In there stood a big table and on there was bread and butter with rose jam and rose tea._

_‘Wow that's so beautiful.’ the little queen said and she hugged Miss Layla so tight that her face was totally crumbled._

_The lighthouse keeper sat down on one of the chairs, which were made out of rose tendrils, but immediately stood up again 'Ouch…they prick.’ he said and rubbed his bottom._

_The people of roses were very sorry about that, they didn't feel the thorns. They brought them white pillows filled with rose petals, they were super comfortable to sit on._

_After the little queen had eaten enough bred with rose jam and drank enough rose tea, she felt that her feet were hurting._

_The lighthouse keeper wore shoes, but she went all the way there with bare feet. She looked at her sole of foot, it was laced with little burning red dots._

_‘Oh no.’ said the boy, who already spoke to her ‘There were thorns on the path. Sometimes they grow on the ground and you can't see them because of all the rose petals on them.’_

_The people brought the little queen a beautiful pair of white boots, they were made out of a few layers of silk._

_‘They're so beautiful. I've never seen such cute boots before.’ the little queen said, and it was true, she never had seen such beautiful boots in her entire life._  
  
_The other people left after the tea, just the boy stayed with the little queen and the lighthouse keeper. The boy lead them around the whole isle to show them everything – the houses made out of rose wood and the bathing lake, which was filled with rose petals instead of water._

 _‘It's kinda boring here.’ the boy said ‘just roses everywhere. I'm glad you came by.’ he smiled at her._  
  
_‘I wish I could stay.’ the little queen said ‘But I can't. The hunters on the black ship are after me, they'll come and they’ll find me, even between all of these rose bushes, no matter how deep I crawl into them.’_  
  
_‘No.’ the boy said ‘They won't. Get up at the lookout and look, little queen, their ship dropped anchor wide away from the isle. It won’t come any nearer, the smell of the roses keeps them away.’_  
  
_The little queen climbed on the lookout and saw that the boy was right. But she saw another thing out there, there was a rowing boat and it sat a man. The man was poorly dressed and he was glancing longing at the isle._

_‘There is someone out there and needs my help.’ the little queen said, she quickly climbed down the ladder and ran towards the shore as fast as she could. He needed to help this man, because she had a good heart, a diamond heart._

_When she got to the shore, she could see that the rowing boat was beautiful, it was made out of dark wood. Odd, the little queen thought, the beautiful the boat didn't fit to the old tracksuit top of the man, who drove the boat._

_‘Do you need any help?’ the little queen asked ‘The two of us can bring the boat ashore I think.’_  
  
_‘I don't think so.’ the man said sadly ‘It seems like the isle has something against me and my boat. It's as if the current wants to wash me away. I guess it must be enough to sit in that boat and watch from here.’ he sighed deeply ‘It would be more beautiful if someone would sit here with me.’_  
  
_‘I can sit with you, if you want?’ the little queen said and stepped in the water and made her way towards the rowing boat._  
  
_‘That'd be great.’ the man smiled and helped her to get in the boat._

_The man brushed his mustache with his fingers and started to row.  The boat was getting faster and faster ‘That's the current.’ the man said._

_‘Little queen.’ someone shouted from the beach ‘Little queen of cliffs.’ The lighthouse keeper and the boy of roses were standing at the beach, waving at her._

_‘It’ll be more fun when there are just the two of us. They will only disturb us.’ the man said to the little queen, that sentence caused an odd feeling in the little queen’s stomach._  
  
_‘Get out of that boat, little queen.’ the boy of roses shouted and the lighthouse keeper yelled ‘Come back!’_  
  
_‘She’s my guest now. You don’t have anything to say here.’ the man in the boat yelled back._

 _The little queen saw that the boy took a deep breath and yelled ‘Remember what the white mare said!’_  
  
_‘The white mare?’ the little queen asked ‘She said I should run when I meet a man that carries my name.’_  
  
_Suddenly the queen saw a tattoo on the man’s arm, the man quickly rolled down his sleeves, but it was too late the little queen already read the words._  
  
_Her heart was getting ice cold from fear ‘Who are you?’ she asked with white eyes._  
  
_‘Call me dad.’ the man answered._  
  
_‘Uhm I think I gotta go.’ the little queen said quickly and jumped into the water, to swim back to the shore, but the water was ice cold._  
  
_The waves are beautiful, the little queen thought, but they’re also dangerous, they will swallow me. The little queen felt that someone grabbed her out of the water and carried her ashore, it was the boy of roses._

_The rose tendrils he wore protected him from the cold water, he laid the little queen down on the shore, the lighthouse keeper shook silently his head and nodded towards the rowing boat._

_The man in it put on a red coat, on its right arm was a little diamond embroidered. The man turned over and rowed back where he came from, back to the black ship with its black sails._

_‘I wanna stay here, it’s the only safe place.’ the little queen sobbed._

_‘If you wanna stay, take that bracelet.’ The boy said and handed the little queen a bracelet made out of blooming rose tendrils. The little queen put it on, the thorns scored her skin and blood dyed her fake fur collar red._

_The little queen startled._

_‘I guessed as much.’ the boy said and took the bracelet back ‘You need to go back to your ship my little queen, unfortunately only the rose people can live on this isle.’_

_The boy went back to the ship with the little queen and the lighthouse keeper. The lighthouse keeper already smoked his third pipe because he was so nervous._  
  
_‘Boy of roses…how did you know what the white mare said?’ the little queen asked the boy._

 _‘The wind carried her words to me, when your isle sunk.’ the boy answered._  
  
_‘The others didn’t hear them, but I heard them. I heard the bursting of the cliffs and the last words of your white mare. That’s when I knew you were in trouble, and I was worried about you, though I didn’t know you… but now I know you. Now I fear even more for you.’ he laid his hand on the little queen’s shoulder and looked at her for a little while before he pulled her into a tight heartwarming hug._

_His face was littered with almost faded freckles that was what differed him from the other rose people._

_‘I’m sick of seeing these roses and this beauty every single day.’ the boy said quietly ‘Can I come with you and take care of you?’_

_‘Of course you can.’ the little queen said but added ‘But I don’t know what will happen out there, maybe we’ll die on the blue sea.’_  
  
_‘Maybe.’ the boy nodded but he smiled at her._  
  
_The lighthouse keeper helped the boy to get on board, suddenly the grey dog appeared on the rack and barked._  
  
_He jumped aloft the railing and broke the rose tendril on the boy’s right arm with his teeth, the roses which dressed that arm instantly wilted._

_‘What are you doing?’ the little queen yelled angrily ‘He helped me. The hunter with the red coat wanted to take me with him, but he took me back ashore. You didn’t see it because you didn’t come with us…’_

_The grey dog growled angrily and jumped in the water and disappeared._

_The green ship continued its journey and the little queen nearly thought that she would never see the dog – the sea lion – ever again and she felt a sting in her diamond heart._

_The next morning a spray of water lilies laid beside the bivouac of the boy, it was the sort of water lilies that only grew wide out there at the sea and only in winter._

_Someone picked them out of the spume - maybe a sea lion._

_The boy smiled to himself, but his smile faded when he saw the worried face of the little queen._

_He knew what the little queen felt ‘cause he could feel it too, the shadow of black sails laid in the air, the black ship was near, very near._

_The little queen could feel that freezing coldness in her diamond heart again.”_

  
Mickey glanced down at his mug and drank the last sip of his cocoa, it was already cold.

He looked out at the sea and remained silent, maybe he already used up all words.

“I’ll be right back.” Ian said and stood up from his chair “Too much tea. Rose tea.”

Ian was alone at the toilet, he stood in front of the mirror and brushed with his fingers through his red hair, he leaned forward to take a closer look to his face, when he was young his face was sprinkled with freckles, but they faded with time, you needed to take a close look to see them.

He took a deep breath and splashed some water at his face.

"Thanks." he whispered "Thanks for the water lilies. I don't mind that you bit the roses with your teeth. They were unnecessary anyways." Ian smiled at his reflection.  
  
When Ian came back Mandy and Mickey weren't talking about the fairytale, they were talking about school, Mandy's school and about a drawing Mandy made.

About Mandy's teacher whose name Mandy couldn't write properly and who wanted to speak to Natasha here and there.

"She can also talk to you, right?" Mandy asked and shrugged "She already did, at the school enrollment and so on."

"Your mom wasn't there on your first day of school?" Ian asked and immediately regretted his question.

"I guess mom doesn't like school very much." Mandy said "She always had other stuff to do, you know. Some mornings she had to sleep very long because she was out very long at night. With her last boyfriend she always was out very long. I wanted to say that we should draw a fish and I drew one with multicolored fish scales and guess what we learned, the X, though you don’t need that very much. Funny what we learn there, in that school, isn’t it?”

“Yeah funny, right?” Mickey said and laughed.

“Tell Ian what you learned about the inner eye and what nobody understood…” He didn’t want to talk about Natasha, Ian had the feeling that Natasha only lived with them in the apartment, Mickey and Mandy just happened to be her kids.

Nothing what they told him sounded like Mickey only looked after Mandy since Natasha left, it sounded like he took care of her since she was born.

How old was he when Mandy was born? Eleven? And Terry lived with them… and then they threw him out of the apartment.

Ian wanted to pay the bill, but Mickey’s glance was getting cold again so he dropped that idea.

“We don’t need your charity.” Mickey said quietly and Ian just nodded.

Out there in the front of the Utkiek it was hard to say goodbye, Ian didn’t find the right words.

He wanted to say: See you. But he didn’t know if Mickey would speak to him tomorrow or if he would act like he didn’t know him.

Mickey stood beside him and smoked. Mandy was playing around in the snow, she tried to make funny prints in the snow.

“The problem is that we don’t get the whole social welfare benefit, you know.” Mickey said suddenly. “Not as long as Natasha is gone. At least we get the child benefit.”

“Yeah.” Ian nodded and suddenly something came up in his mind “How many bank accounts do you have?”

“Well, one?” Mickey said without thinking and looked a little irritated at Ian.

“When they transfer the child benefit … that means you have access to that account.”

“Of course, I run that fucking house.” He laughed “For quite a while now, Natasha had… she had a few problems. Alcohol for example, but not just that.”

Ian nodded. “Mickey…when you have access to that account, you see when Natasha withdraws money, that way you can find out where she is.”

Mickey remained silent for a few seconds, before he said “She didn’t withdraw any money.”

“You sure? You already checked that?” Ian asked.

Mickey nodded, but Ian wasn’t sure, if he was telling the truth.

You know where she is! - he wanted to shout.

Why don’t you tell anybody? Don’t you want her to come back? Or are you protecting her? From what? From whom?

“When there’s anything I can do for you..” Ian began, he knew how dumb that sounded “I mean, I could borrow you a bit … that has nothing to do with charity…”

Mickey shook his head, he smoked silently.

Mandy made baby footprints with the side of her fists, Monica showed Ian how to do that when he was little. Monica.

“At home everything’s different.” Ian said. He realized that he was telling stories. About the blue light, about Frank, about Monica, who was almost invisible, about the single rose in his garden, about the birds, about Karen and the sterile, washable chairs at her house.

Mickey laughed when Ian mentioned the sterile, washable chairs. He stubbed out the cigarette with his foot and looked at him “Thanks…it’s nice to _hear_ a story every now and then.”

He unlocked his bike, sat Mandy down on the carrier and put on his black woolen hat, he turned his head to look at Mandy, she was burying Miss Layla deeper in her pocket so that she wouldn’t freeze, she wasn’t listening “Listen, uhm, the pills you bought the other day… they were… they were no real stuff, okay?”  
  
“What?” Ian raised his eyebrows, he didn’t understand shit, he was confused.

Mickey took a deep breath before he explained “I was kinda scared you really wanted to take that shit. So I sold you headache pills for kids, very low dosage – the imprint was Ukrainian.”

Mickey drove away and Ian stood there alone in the snow, he felt a light sparkling laughter bubbling up in him and jolting him.

 

 

He didn’t mind that Ian cancelled their study date, he reassured himself that he didn’t mind.

He was standing alone at the shore, looking out at the ice, it was almost thick enough to carry.

He wasn’t alone no, the dog was with him. The dog never left his side when he took him for a walk.

He made a snowball and threw it out on the ice, the ice would carry the dog, he was sure about that.

He watched the grey flash running towards the ice.

It was luck that they let him take the car sometimes. He was less conspicuous with a car.

Ian didn’t see him, when he followed him, he didn’t have a fuckin clue how near he was.

He also knew where Ian was at that right moment, he sat there at the table with a mug between his hands.

Ian won’t get away from him.

Ian would realize how much he needed him.

His presence. His care.

He didn’t know yet, but soon he would.

He wrote his name in the snow and he knew that it was childish, ridiculous.

But it was such a beautiful name, a name, which sometimes filled his whole head and almost made him burst.

I.A.N. 


	8. Golden eye

Ian was sitting in the student’s room, his head was bend over a book, but he couldn’t concentrate on reading. Someone sat down in front of him, Ian wished so bad that it would be Mickey, but it was Trevor.

“Hey Trev.” Ian said and looked down at his book again, he didn’t feel like talking to him right now and he needed to read this book for German class.

“Hey. How was your guitar lesson?” Trevor asked, the smile on his face was a little awkward.

Ian looked slowly up from his book and sighed “Please don’t remind me… it was a fucking disaster. I could barely play a piece without a wrong note, it was so embarrassing. I don’t know, but my thoughts were somewhere else.” Ian was surprised how easy that lie came out of his mouth.

Trevor shook slightly his head and laughed “Yeah you seem to daydream a lot since a couple of days. Always with your head in the clouds.”

Did he knew something? That smile on Trevor’s face was so awkward, but Ian couldn’t tell why, or maybe he was just imagine things.

“Yeah my mind’s quite busy with all that graduation stuff and shit like that.” Ian shrugged, yeah that was a pretty good explanation.

“And shit like that.” Trevor’s smile faded for just a short second, but Ian noticed the short change on his face and he was getting kinda uncomfortable, so Ian tried to get their conversation in another direction.

“Uhm Trev, you got time this week to work through a few things in Math?” Ian asked with a sweet smile on his lips.

Before Trevor could answer, Karen and Lizzy sat down at their table.

“Hey honey.” Karen placed a kiss on Ian’s cheek.

Ian smiled at her and Lizzy “Hi.”

Trevor looked at Karen with wide eyes and Karen grinned at him “Hey Trev.”

He only nodded to greet her, he was obviously confused about the kiss on Ian’s cheek.

“What are you talking about? Love? Sex?” Karen asked with raised eyebrows.

“Uhm no, we were talking about Math.” Ian rolled his eyes, dammit Karen, “I asked Trevor to work through some stuff, I can really use some help with that shit.”

“Oh my Gosh me too, it's so fucking confusing. I would also need a little help with Physics.” Karen sighed.

“Yeah Math isn’t really my thing either. You think we can join your study date?” Lizzy asked.

“Yeah sure.” Ian smiled at her, he took a quick look at the other boy, he could see that Trevor wasn’t very excited that Karen and Lizzy would join their study date, but Ian didn’t care.

They fixed their study date on Saturday, they met at Ian's.

 

Trevor explained Ian, Karen and Lizzy for whole three hours Math and Physics.

Ian watched Trevor and tried to focus on what he said, but how so often his mind was somewhere else.

Mickey didn’t say a single word to him the rest of the week, on Wednesday Ian tried to catch his glance during German class, but with no success.

Had the boy of roses already left the ship, on an unknown and stony isle, on which he couldn’t do more than watch the green ship sail away, ‘til it disappeared on the horizon?

“Jesus, Ian.” Trevor said and shook his head “You don’t understand a thing. Musicians shouldn’t have problems with Math, it’s said that these regions are very close in the brain. Could it be that you’re somewhere else with your thoughts, like so very often?”

Ian looked at Trevor’s eyes behind his glasses, his glance wasn’t only friendly, but also exploratory and Ian asked himself, if Trevor really followed him on Tuesday.

“I don’t think that I'll understand things like integral calculus ever.” Ian said “Honestly I think no one really understands them, they’re just pretending that they do. And now guys, I need a fucking break.”

“Fuck, yes.” Karen said thankfully “Nerds like Trevor may survive three hours without fresh air, but I need some, now. Who wants to join me?”

They went out in the garden, the birds flew away, Karen was too loud for them to stay.

If he would be here with Mickey, more birds would show up and listen to his fairy tales.

 

After a little while Frank showed up, borrowed a cigarette from Karen and asked them “What are your plans after graduation, kids?”

“I don’t know.” Karen answered “My mother wants me to go to College, but…”

"Kinda hard to choose what you'll do, when you rebel against Sheila, huh?" Frank grinned at her, Karen poked her tongue out at him.

"I'm definately going to college...business studies and shit." Lizzy stated, her parents already rebelled against their parents, she was born in a trailer park and grew up in a shared house. The most rebel thing she ever did was not rebelling and iron her blouses.

Ian sighed, but he didn't know why.

"What about you, Trevor?" Ian asked, because he wanted to be friendly and he realized he never asked him before.

"Army." Trevor said sharp and blew out the smoke of his cigarette.

All of these people and their awkward reasons to do things, Ian thought. Trevor probably just smoked because no one would expect that he smokes.

"Come on Trev." Karen said "That doesn't suit you, they probably fucking kill you there."

"Have fun in fucking Afghanistan." Lizzy snorted "What was that again? Soldiers are murderer..."

"Tucholsky." Trevor rolled his eyes "Ever think about what he meant by that? Wake up, that was about the 'third reich'. Nowadays soldiers are needed to protect and defend civilians and keep everything in order."

"Oh really." Karen rolled her eyes.

Frank stubbed out his cigarette in the ashtray Ian made him when he was in elementary school, it was supposed to be a bird but it looked more like a hippo. He loved Frank for still using that ashtray.

"Solve the problems of the world without me." Frank said before he went back inside "I'm too old for that shit."

"You serious?" Karen asked "I mean no offence but you at the army? You could never shoot someone."

"Karen, just because he’ll be in the Army doesn't mean he’ll shoot people." Ian said and rolled his eyes.

Trevor ignored Ian and asked "Could you?" in his voice was something that made Ian shiver "Could you aim a gun at another human being?"

"Of course not." Lizzy almost shouted "And you neither."

Trevor shrugged "I don't know." he looked at the distance that wasn't there in Ian's garden "When someone I really really fucking hate would stand in front of me…someone who makes me furious.. When I have reasons for hating him... or her... it would possibly be a thrill to pull the fucking trigger…"

"That has nothing to do with the Army." Ian said, he felt pretty uncomfortable, it was really scaring when Trevor talked such dark shit.

Trevor looked at him "I can shoot. Though you won't believe me I'm pretty good at it."  

"You're crazy." Karen shook her head "Where the hell did you learn to shoot?"

"My father hunts." Trevor said "I often went with him, it isn't as bad as you think. The deer you shoot, doesn't notice anything.  Knows nothing, understands nothing, it's just suddenly gone. Better than a slaughter house where they hear the others scream and shit like that."

"Fuck, that's disgusting, stop. I don't wanna think about that shit. Why are we talking about slaughter houses and death and shit?" Lizzy said with a disgusted look on her face.

Suddenly Ian realised that the air in the garden wasn't as blue as it used to be, something reddish was mixed into it and Ian didn't like it.

Trevor tried to look bigger - but instead he was getting smaller and smaller, Ian thought to himself. Who did he want to impress with that shit?

"People need to think about death every once in a while." Trevor went on "Most of us don't think enough about it, when you're dying it's too late, there's no time left then. Did you ever see someone die?"

Ian swallowed hard, this conversation was so fucking wrong, he narrowed his eyes when he sharply said "No."

"Did you?" Lizzy asked her green eyes looked a little scared at Trevor.

Trevor pressed his lips together and nodded "Our dog, that's almost like a person. He was a really sweet and peaceful puppy but with time he was getting more and more feral. It was because of his breed, it's in their blood, you know, no matter how well you train them, you can't rid of their wild side. The dog thought he needed to protect his family...us... He attacked a jogger one day, he almost killed that guy. Imagine if that had been a child that was a fucking no go, so my dad shoot him in our back yard."

They all remained silent, so silent the birds returned. Ian swallowed hard, he felt uncomfortable as fuck.

"I saw his eyes." Trevor broke the silence "They were golden. He realized that he was dying, at the last second."

"Golden." Ian murmured "A dog with golden eyes.”

"A Weimaraner." Trevor nodded "Grey fur and golden eyes. Beautiful creatures. Some of them have blue eyes."

"Let's continue with Math." Lizzy said "It's fucking cold out here."

"On our next break we don't talk about death, we talk about the opposite." Karen said with forced joy.

"Karen?" Lizzy asked "You decided to become a midwife or what? I mean what do you want to talk about? Birth giving?"

"Jesus no." Karen said "Sex."

 

Later at dawn they stood in front of the house and talked about nonsense. Trevor was the first one who left, he borrowed the car from his parents.

"Karen's right, what a fucking freak." Lizzy said again "What the hell was all that fuck about shooting and shit. Is Trevor someone we don't really know?"

"Trevor is someone who doesn't like to be someone like Trevor." Karen said "He just gave himself airs. He's desperately looking for a girlfriend or a boyfriend." she wagged her eyebrows at Ian suggestively.

“Honey, you can't get rid of him that easy, that’s the deal with those freaks. Have you already told him about your college boy? He will freak the fuck out, honey.” Karen added with a grin on her face.

“He’s not MY college boy.” Ian said a little angry “I just drank a coffee with him at the Cafete and that's it.” And that was only almost a lie.

“Aww cute.” Lizzy sighed “He invited you to a coffee. We should think less about Math and Physics, we should fall in love. Of course we could fall in love with Lip, but everyone falls in love with Lip.”

Karen cleared her throat, Ian winked at her, she blushed a little and looked down on the ground.

“Lately I thought I could fall in love like experimentally, you know.” Lizzy said dreamily “With someone totally different, with Michael for example.”

“Michael?” Karen and Ian asked simultaneously.

“The Ukrainian...” Lizzy answered “...our haberdasher with the funny colorful pills. Isn't his name Michael?”

Ian bit on his tongue.

“I'm a little scared of him.” Lizzy whispered and a comforting chill washed over her body “Maybe he's this sort of guy – tough on the outside, soft on the inside. Actually he's pretty cute.”

Ian's stomach turned cause of that conversation, he was thankful when Karen got on her bike and put on her helmet, but she didn't drive off yet.

“Don't fall for him, Lizzy.” Karen said “You'll regret it, believe me, I know a few things about our Ukrainian friend, you don't know.”

“And what's that?” Lizzy asked curios.

Karen shrugged and winked “X-rated.” Ian was sure that Karen was lying, like she always did when she was younger to make herself more interesting.

“A man with a secret.” Lizzy whispered “And such beautiful blue eyes. So fucking cute.”

“Happy 14th birthday Lizzy.” Ian rolled his eyes and then came the call.

 

Ian watched Karen and Lizzy drove off and went with his phone back into the house.

At first he didn't understand with whom he was speaking, the connection was really bad.

It was a woman – or a kid. The voice of the woman or kid was full of fear.

“Ian?” the voice asked “Ian, are you there?”

A kid. It was Mandy. Ian didn't know where Mandy got his phone number, but that didn't matter at the moment.

“Mandy?” Ian asked a little louder “Mandy, is that you?”

“Yeah it's me.” Mandy said “I...” there were a lot of noises at her side of the line.

Something seemed to break or burst. The isle, Ian thought. The isle is sinking.

“Mandy I can't understand you.” Ian shouted “Say it again! Louder!”

“...know, what I should do.” Mandy's voice said, finally Ian could hear her better “I locked the bathroom door. They fight, Ian. I can hear them. Miss Layla is in the living room, but she can't do anything.”

“Who's fighting?” Ian asked “Mandy, slowly. Where are you?”

“In the bathroom.” Mandy repeated “I need to help him, but I'm scared, I can't, Ian... there was a post-it on the bathroom mirror there stood IAN and EMERGENCY and the number and...”

“What?” Ian asked and thought: That's not the right moment to be happy, but he couldn't help himself.

Mandy was crying, Ian could hear it and he felt a sting in his heart.

He also heard break a few other things or falling into the sea.

He tried one last time “Mandy, who's there at your apartment? Did your mum come back?”

“No.” Mandy whined “She didn't and she will never come back, she's gone and she'll never come back, and he said, I should live with him now. He has no red coat, but...”

“I'm coming.” Ian said.

 

Ian thought about calling the police for a short minute, but on the mirror in their bathroom didn't stand EMERGENCY and the number from the police, there stood EMERGENCY and his number.

And it didn't stand there because Mickey thought that Ian would call the fucking police on him.

The police would ask questions, questions about Natasha Milkovich, questions about who would take care of Mandy, questions about custody.

Even when they would lock up Terry, they would take Mandy away from Mickey. There wouldn't be any fairy tales anymore and no cocoa. No pink jacket that flew over the school yard on a Friday to get churned around.

When his thoughts were at that point, he was already sitting on his bike. He drove as quick as he could, he said the whole way to himself that everything would be fine, nothing bad happened at Mickey's apartment, you can't believe everything a 6 year old kid says, right?

 

When Ian got to the building where Mandy and Mickey lived, he stormed up the stairs to get to their apartment, a woman was standing in the door of her apartment, she had a child on her hip, she shook her head and eyed Ian up when he came across her, Ian got no time to explain who he was or for some other shit.

He raced up the stairs, his heart was bounding, what now?

What should he do? He has nothing to defend himself.

Ian stopped his steps, he stood there panting, he was listening, there was a man speaking in a TV downstairs, suddenly he heard something that sounded like gun shots.

He startled, loud music followed the shots, Ian almost laughed, it was just a fucking TV.

He climbed the rest of the stairs, behind the door, with the name Milkovich on it, it was very quiet.

Mandy called from home, didn't she? Or from somewhere else? From Terry's apartment?

Ian took a deep breath and pressed the doorbell with his finger. Mickey opened the door, his fist was raised, ready to punch someone's face, Ian ducked instinctively.

“Ian.” he said, as if he was the last person he was expecting “I...”

“Yeah, me too.” Ian said, he didn't even know himself what he meant by that “Is he gone?”

Mickey nodded.

“Can I come in?”

Mickey nodded again. Ian closed the door behind him and switched on the light, he could see that Mandy was clenched to Mickey's feet.

“You can let go, Mandy.” Mickey said “Mandy, hey! Everything's alright. He didn't come back, it's just Ian. Hey, let go. I can't walk like that.”

“Okay fine.” Mandy said and Mickey laughed.

Ian looked at Mickey and somehow he wished he didn't turn on the light “Fuck.” he breathed and swallowed hard “Mick.”

The hallway looked like as if a bomb exploded there, all sort of things were spread across the hallway floor, Mickey leaded Ian away from that chaos to the kitchen.

“I'm making cocoa. You want one?” he asked.

“Cocoa?” Ian asked and raised his eyebrows. Was that a fucking joke? Cocoa, at that moment?

The kitchen was the same chaos as the hallway, and between all that fucking mess stood Mickey and made fucking cocoa.

Mickey didn't look better than the apartment, his left eye started to swell, his right temple was all bloody, he looked like he fell with his bike, or rather like he fell out from a driving car.

“What...?” Ian asked.

Mickey nodded towards a bunch of flinders “Some people are clumsy and fall on flinders.”

“I hope you didn't fall alone?” Ian asked with raised eyebrows.

“Hell no.” Mickey said with a little satisfaction in his voice, while he stirred the milk on the stove “Believe me, there's someone out there that looks as bad as I do.”

Ian recognized that Mickey was stirring with his left hand, when he opened the door his left hand was raised to punch, he held his right hand a little awkward.

"Mandy." he said "You two could clean up a little the living room, what do you mean?"

Mandy grabbed Ian's arm and guided him to the living room.  They put chairs back to their place, put the books back at the shelf, Ian found a few blisters between them, those definately weren't headache pills.

They put the jackets back at the hallway when Mandy broke the silence "He just came in, you know." she said "The hunter with the red coat. I just wanted to be nice to him, because I thought he would leave then. I kinda felt sorry for him, he seemed so lonely. Mickey went grocery shopping, I was alone with him, we just talked, on the couch and he said again I should come and live with him. Mickey came home and he said that he should leave, but the man didn’t want to, they started to yell and then they started to fight… The hunter opened the cabinets, said that the whole apartment was trash anyway and he destroyed our mugs and other things… It’s my fault, isn’t it? It’s all my fault. Mickey’s mad at me, I shouldn’t have let him in…”

“Don’t cry, Mandy.” Ian said and hugged the little girl, in between that whole mess.

“Okay cry, but it’s not your fault, Mands. Mickey’s not mad at you. I’m sure about that. He’s mad at your father. Mickey just wants to protect you.”

“He doesn’t need to.” Mandy snuffled “I can protect myself.”

“Yes.” Ian said “No.”

“Why do I need protection?” Mandy asked and wiped with her sleeve over her eyes and nose.

“You know that.” Ian said serious “He wants you diamond heart.”

 

5 minutes later the three of them were sitting around the couch table, they drank their cocoa out of glasses because Terry shattered all the mugs.

“Mick.” Ian began “We need to take care of your wound. I can see at least three shivers. We…”

“Later.” Mickey said.

“But that is more important than fuc... than cocoa.” Ian said.

“No.” Mickey said, Ian gave up and just nodded, Mickey’s eyes didn’t allow another protest.

“Now it’s important that everything’s going to be calm and normal again.” he said “That’s why I tell you a three minute part of the story.”

Mandy stretched herself out on the couch, exhausted from being afraid and upset and crying and calming down again.

She laid her head on Mickey’s knee, and Ian remembered when he did the same when he was a child, he used to lean his head on Monica’s knee when he listened to her reading fairy tales from a book.

“You remember the white cat from yesterday?” Mickey asked Mandy “When we walked along the pier? The blind white cat, you wanted to take her with you?”

“Yes.” Mandy whispered and she yawned “She was really dirty and disheveled, but she didn’t wanted to get pet. I can remember that very well.”

“Good.” Mickey said.

 

_“It’s been already a long time since the green ship was driving through the cold waves and it was getting colder day by day. The wind brought snow, real snow._

_'Your roses begin to wilt.’ the sea lion said to the boy ‘Not just there were I bit them, but also on your other arm. They will wither and you will freeze in the cold wind.’_

_Not only the boy froze, also Miss Layla and the little queen shivered when they were on deck._

_‘It’s because of the black ship.’ the little queen said ‘It brings the coldness. It’s getting closer and closer, without reaching us, isn’t that odd? Somehow I wish it would already be here and it will already happen.’_  
  
_‘Something is happening.’ the sea lion said and raised his head out of the water ‘Look, there’s the next island.’_

_‘It’s totally snowed up.’ the boy said, but he was wrong._

_On the shore of the island, stood a board with words written on it._

_‘Isle of the blind white cats.’ the lighthouse keeper read out loud and scratched his head with his glasses ‘Keep hoot!’_

_‘That’s wrong.’ the boy said, but the little queen started to hoot like an elephant and immediately a white cat came by._

_'Silence please. Can’t you read? You scare our spinners and weavers, which will cause fatal mistakes in the fabric.’_

_The little queen and the others followed the white cat, there were white cats all over the island, they were spinning and weaving all day long. Because they were blind, they didn’t see where the fabric began and where it ended, they kept working and working, the whole isle was covered in the white fabric._

_'Can you give us some of your wonderful white fabric?’ the little queen asked ‘Just a tiny bit, so we can sew some clothes out of it.’_

_‘You have to pay for it of course.’ one of the cats said._

_‘Our fabric is the best.’ another cat said._

_‘Everything comes at a price.’ all three cats said._

_‘We don’t have anything we can give you.’ the little queen sighed ‘Our clothes aren’t made for such a cold winter. Don’t you see how urgently we need your fabric?'_

_‘How should we?’ a cat asked ‘We’re blind.’_

_‘Isn’t it awful that all you cats are blind?’ the little queen asked._

_‘Glasses.’ the lighthouse keeper said ‘Maybe they just need glasses. My glasses are on the ship.’_

_‘I’ll go and get them.’ the little queen sang._

_She made her way to the ship and looked at the fabric, rainbows were coming out of it, it looked beautiful, green, red, blue, and yellow. The little queen stopped to take a closer look._

_Suddenly she heard a bark ‘Little queen, don’t put that fabric on, whoever wears that fabric only sees rainbows and doesn’t see the danger anymore.’_

_‘You don’t like anyone or anything! Just think about the boy of roses, you didn’t like him at the first place, and now?’_

_The little queen went on the ship, she was searching for the glasses but she couldn’t find them._

_Someone knocked at the railing, the little queen looked up and there stood a man, he was dressed in white fabric._

_‘Come on board.’ the little queen said ‘Is it true that you only see rainbows when you wear that fabric?’_

_The man didn’t answer, he sat down at the bench ‘Oh little queen.’ he said ‘I’m so tired. I came here from wide away to see you.’_

_‘To see me?’ the little queen asked. The man grabbed her arm and pulled her towards him, the little queen screamed. She saw that the man had a mustache._

_‘Your diamond heart is more beautiful than all the rainbows in the world.’ he whispered ‘And it’s mine. Because I made you. I’m your father.’_

_The white fabric fell down on the ground, the little queen saw the blood red coat, the hunter lifted her up as if she was a piece of paper. But with his next step, he stepped on a tendril of the boy, he stumbled, fell and cursed loudly._

_The little queen saw that the grey dog was running towards them. Right behind him the boy and the lighthouse keeper._

_The hunter let go of the little queen when he fell down. She fled in the cabin and slammed the door shut behind her._

_Out there on the deck were loud noises, things were falling, wood cracked, she heard gasping from two throats, she pressed Miss Layla even closer to her._

_The little queen was too curios, so she peeked through the key hole of the cabin door, she saw two bodies rolling on the floor._

_It was no dog, which fought out there with the red hunter, it was a big wolf. The hunter got up and swung an epee, which threw out glistening sparks._

_'Oh my sea lion, my dog, my wolf.' she whispered 'He's gonna kill you.'_

_But she couldn't do anything, she was too scared and she was ashamed._

_She saw that the fur of the wolf was dark at some parts, it was his blood. Then he fell, he lied on the floor, stock-still._

_The red hunter put away his epee, kicked the wolf with his foot and stepped over him, he had proud smile on his face._

_'This could be my ship.' he said 'But I won't sail it, it's too green. I'll just take the heart of the little queen. I'll cut it out of her chest with the epee.'_

_The little queen wanted to cry. She thought she would die, though she didn't know a thing about dying._

_Something unexpected happened, the big gray wolf moved. He stood up very quiet and sneaked up to the red hunter._

_The wolf jumped on the hunter and bit in his throat, the little queen put her hands in front of her eyes._

_She sat there like that 'til the boy of roses opened the door to the cabin and hugged her._

_‘Little queen.’ he whispered ‘The red hunter is dead. You don’t need to be scared anymore. We hid onshore under the fabric… What happened?’_

_‘I don’t know.’ the little queen said quietly ‘I was in here the whole time.’_

_On deck there was a white cat, she blinked tiredly, she slept the whole time._

_The lighthouse keeper wound the sails and they drove away from the isle._

_After a while the sea lion raised his head out of the waves and said ‘Little queen. The black ship is still there at the horizon. There are many other hunters on it, many more greedy hands. Don’t ever forget that.’ the sea lion dove back into the deep black water and left a red trace behind.”_

Mickey gently stroke Mandy’s hair, she was sound asleep “I didn’t notice that she fell asleep.” Mickey whispered.

“She fell asleep at the rainbows.” Ian answered with a light smile on his lips.

Mickey sighed “I’ll probably have to tell that whole story again.”

“Yeah.” Ian nodded. “Do that, but a different version, without blood and biting throats and cutting out hearts… tell her a version, in which she doesn’t peek through the keyhole.”

Mickey nodded “But the boy of roses is wrong. It’s wrong to be not scared anymore.”

“Mick…” Ian began “You didn’t kill Terry, right?”

Mickey looked up. His eyes were so dark, that Ian could barely see the blue of them, it was a sort of blue at night.

“No.” he said “But I wish I did.”

Mickey stood up and gently lifted Mandy up to take her to bed.

She looked almost dead, the way she hung in Mickey’s arms. As if someone had cut out her heart with an epee and left her body at the apartment.

But her heart was just dreaming, Ian thought to calm himself down, it was dreaming about rainbows.

Ian cleaned up the shards from the kitchen floor while Mickey put Mandy to bed.

He could hear Mickey cursing, it seemed like he was fighting with a sleeve, it was no angry cursing, just the cursing a father would do. Ian shook his head. Nothing in that apartment fit together.

“Now I take care of your wound.” Ian whispered when Mickey quietly closed the door to Mandy’s room “You got some tweezers? Something to sanitize?”

“Wait in the living room.” Mickey said.

But Ian followed him, stood in the door of the tiny bathroom and watched Mickey grabbing a cardboard box from above the shelf and placing it on the washing machine, which almost filled the whole room, he started to rummage in the box.

“We can use a different kind of alcohol…” Ian began and Mickey turned around.

“Didn’t I say you should wait in the living room?” Mickey didn’t notice that Ian followed him.

Suddenly he sounded angry, unnecessary angry.

Ian took a step back “In case you didn’t want me to see my phone number on the mirror…” he said with a smile on his face “…I know it’s there. Otherwise Mandy wouldn’t have called me.”

Mickey pushed Ian gently in the direction of the living room “Yeah that was… a little … embarrassing too. It’s just fucking chaotic. Here.”

He pressed Ian the tweezers and the sanitizer in his hands.

“What are you doing now?”

“I thought about drinking the sanitizer and sticking the tweezers up my nose.” Ian said “What do you think? Sit down. The shards can’t stay in that wound.” Ian realized that he sounded like Frank, when he was talking to his patients.

Mickey grabbed the tweezers “I can do that myself. We own a mirror, you know. You should go now. Sorry about the shit with your phone number, Mandy shouldn’t have called you.”

“Mick.” Ian said “Sit down on the couch.”

“It’s late Ian, they’re waiting for you, at the house, where the air's blue…I’m sure they’re worried already…”

“It’s not late, I’ll call them later. Sit down on the couch.” Ian said and raised his eyebrows.

Mickey lifted his hands up in defense and sat down.

Ian sat down beside him, moved the floor lamp closer and looked at the wound on Mickey’s temple.

He didn’t know how flatware could shatter in such little pieces, maybe when you get thrown in them more than once.

He started to pick out the shards with the tweezers, one after the other. Mickey gritted his teeth and cursed every now and then quietly.

“Hold still.” Ian said “You were very lucky with the eye and shit, you know.”

“I know someone else who was fucking lucky.” Mickey said “Fucking Terry. He was lucky that he left on two legs.”

Mickey stayed quiet for a while, while Ian was picking out shards of his wound.

Suddenly Ian realized how close he was to Mickey. Unbelievable, reckless near.

Ian smiled “Why do you have that really short haircut sometimes?” he asked, to ask something factually.

“The clippers can only cut that short.” Mickey said “I don’t spend a shitload of money on a fucking hairdresser.”

“That’s it?” Ian asked.

“That’s it. And people leave you alone when you wear that kind of haircut and a Böhse-Onkelz hoodie. I can’t risk any trouble.”

“But…political…you’re not…like the others here…?”

“Right-wing?” Mickey asked and laughed. “Jesus, I’m not stupid.”

“And…the white cats...” Ian said “The fabric of the white cats…the rainbows…”

“Today is the day of questions, huh?” Mickey raised his eyebrows “But every day is the day of questions with Ian Gallagher. You wanna know everything, huh?”

“Yeah.” Ian nodded “Everything. About the world and all that shit.” he sounded like a child again, but he didn’t care.

“But not every day is the day of answers, you know.” Mickey murmured and after a while he added “And the white fabric is exactly what you think it is. But that’s not what you want to know, you want to know why I’m selling it.”

He turned his head and Ian pulled away the tweezers, he almost streaked his eye “I don’t take that shit, Ian.”

“And I’m Peter Pan, king of Neverland.” Ian laughed, but Mickey didn’t.

“It’s true. I deal with it, that’s it. It brings money. Natasha… I know these people from her, she introduced me a long time ago. I can’t risk to take that shit, because of Mandy, you know? And because of school, I need to graduate. It’s hard enough when you’re barely there…”

“And when you’re always sleeping.” Ian said.

Mickey grabbed the glasses, they used to drink their cocoa out of them and took them to the kitchen. When he came back, the glasses were clean, and he was also caring a bottle of Vodka.

He placed the bottle without saying anything on the table and poured some of it into the glasses.

He sat back down on the couch and cupped his glass with his hands, he sat a little wider away but not that much.

Mickey bit down his bottom lip before he said “What do you think what I’m doing at night?” he asked serious “Tell me what you think. Everybody’s thinking something.”

“I …I don’t know.” Ian stuttered and took the other glass “I think you deal with white cat fur somewhere in a club or something?”

Mickey laughed. “Yeah…” he said relieved. Ian didn’t get why he was relieved “…but I also have a few legal jobs. I help out in two bars out here, sometimes in the city.”

“You asked the lighthouse keeper about a job.” Ian stated.

“The lighthouse keeper, yeah. Sometimes I think I should do something different to earn money. Something that hasn’t anything to do with bars or clubs … Something that has to do with thinking, you know. You can think at home… Mandy’s too often alone at night. She doesn't notice, cause she's sleeping, but after today… The hell knows if fucking Terry will come back." he downed his Vodka and put the glass back on the table “When he touches her, I fucking kill him.”

Ian downed his Vodka too, though he didn’t even like Vodka.

“Can I have another one?” Ian asked.

Mickey came closer when he refilled their glasses. Maybe he was too deep in his thoughts to even notice.

“Back then I couldn’t do shit against Terry…but now I can… we’re equal… I…”

Ian grabbed Mickey’s right hand and Mickey jerked it back “Defend yourself, huh?” Ian said “With that fucked wrist.”

“That’s nothing.” Mickey snorted.

“Can you move it?”

“Yeah…Shit...No…”

“You need to go to the clinic.” Ian said with knitted eyebrows.

“Fuck you is where I need to go.” Mickey grunted and Ian rolled his eyes.

Ian took his hand and touched for the swelling “At least ice it. Frozen peas will do a great job.”

“Do I have to eat them?” Mickey raised on of his eyebrows.

“Inject.” Ian answered with a grin on his face.

It was good to laugh, it was good to sit on a couch, to be a little too close and to laugh.

Mickey didn’t jerk back his hand this time.

That moment seemed like forever, a moment in which nothing happened, they just sat there and it was enough, no one needed to do or say anything…

Ian’s phone went off, Mickey startled and stood up, as if it came to his mind that he had to do something very urgent.

It was the number from home, a blue number full with roses. Ian sighed and took the call.

“It’s not directly my business, but where are you?” Monica asked.

“I was kidnapped by a serial killer.” Ian answered “You can transfer the ransom to Karen.”

“Okay.” Monica said, trying to sound as casual as possible “When does she release you?”

“Karen.” Ian asked Mickey “when are you releasing me?” and to the phone he said “I think now. I’m on my way.”

“Okay.” Monica said and hung up, she wasn't half as unconcerned as she wanted to be.

Mickey shook his head “If I’m Karen now…”

“Should I’ve told her the truth?”

“No. I think it’s frowned upon, at the house filled with blue air, that Ian Gallagher is hanging out with the Ukrainian haberdasher. And by the way I only speak 3 words of Ukrainian.” Mickey said.

“Two words more than me.” Ian said “I didn’t lie because of that. I thought you didn’t want that… at the house filled with blue air…they won’t say anything. They’re different than you think.”

Ian stood up from the couch took a few steps towards Mickey and smiled at him, he laid his hand on Mickey’s cheek, caressed it gently and said “You need to sanitize your wound and don’t forget the peas for your wrist, okay?”

For a short second Mickey leaned in Ian’s touch, he laid his hand on Ian’s and slowly put it down from his face. Mickey held Ian's hand for a little while and caressed it with his thumb than he said with a soft smile on his face “You need to go.”


	9. Damocles

The whole Sunday Ian’s mind was haunted by Mickey, he was thinking nearly every minute of the day about paying him another visit, he wanted to know if everything was alright.

He could call, but he didn’t have a phone number.

Ian laid in his bed, his eyes pinned to the ceiling, when suddenly came to his mind how Mickey probably got his number, the lighthouse keeper had all the phone numbers of his students.

“For emergencies.” Mr. Miller said.

EMERGENCY and IAN said the post-it on Mickey’s and Mandy’s mirror…

He was so fucking close to call the teacher and ask for Mickey’s number, his thumb was ready to hit the call button.

'Excuse me for calling you on a Sunday, but Mickey Milkovich left some ecstasy and heroin in my backpack…'

Ian sighed, he threw his phone on the bed beside him, he didn’t call.

Later he thought, if he had done it, some things would’ve been so much easier – but who cared for later? Later was almost always too late.

He studied math, read a few books for school, played his guitar just to distract himself.

The guitar laid clear and cool in his hands like always and it understood why Ian was playing so many wrong notes that day.

Just Frank and Monica were wondering, Ian could feel their worried glances on him.

“What’s on your mind, son?” Frank asked “The world again? Or something different this time?”

Ian shook his head and forced a little smile “A different world.”

 

On Monday morning Frank was reading the East Sea Post und said all of a sudden “Chicago.”

“Chicago?” Monica asked with a quiet smile on her face “Are we going on vacation?”

Frank put the paper on the table and said “We don’t need to go on vacation.”  
He whistled, kinda commendatory through his teeth “Chicago is already here. Listen:

 _Fight in a bar ended deadly. After a heavy dispute at the 'Alibi' Terry N. (41) was found_ _dead_  
   between two parking cars on Sunday morning.  
   A resident found the body underneath _the snow as he wanted to get in his car._ ”

“Just imagine, I want to get in my car and find a body under the snow! Brr!” Frank shivered.

“You’re always taking your bike to go to work, Frank.” Monica rolled her eyes.

“Now you know why.” Frank said happily “Driving cars only leads to find bodies.” Frank cleared his throat before he went on

 _“The owner of the bar said that Terry N. came by quite frequently since a couple of weeks. ‘He got into a lot of fights.’ said Kevin B. (31)_ ”

“Why do we need to know how old they are?” Frank asked before he continued to read the article aloud.

   “‘ _Terry discussed a lot with other guests, sometimes it got really rough, but I would’ve_ _never expected that it would end like it did.'_  
   When it came to the fight on Saturday, Kevin B. _threw Terry N. and his three friends out of the ‘Alibi’. When the owner closed the bar, he_  
   _thought Terry N. already went home, like the other guests. The police is now searching for_ _the three men, aged from 25 to 50 years.  
   Furthermore witnesses are searched, who were_ _around the 'Alibi' between 10 and 12 pm..._ ”

“Isn't it funny they didn’t mention the age of the witnesses?” Frank chuckled.

“Frank.” Monica said and shoot a glance at him “That's not funny.”

“Yeah you’re right, sorry Mon.” Frank said “Ian? Everything okay?”

Ian nodded. He clenched his hand around his mug, he saw Mandy's hands cupped around the mug filled with cocoa, Mickey's hands cupped around a glass of vodka.

Mickey's swollen right wrist. The tiny cuts in his face. The shards.

He closed his eyes for a short moment.

_“When he touches her, I'll kill him.”_

Holy fucking Shit.

Was Mickey a murderer? Did he kill Terry?

Was Mickey one of the three guys who fought with Terry at the Alibi?

Or was he just there at the right moment to intercept and kill him?

Ian opened his eyes again, he felt a little dizzy, so many questions were flooding his brain.

For a second he wished his parents would disappear, that he would sit alone at the table, would be alone at home – he would grab the paper and read the article again, he would make a strong coffee, no he would grab the whiskey from the shelf and he would walk up and down in the kitchen and try to order that mess in his mind.

“Everything okay.” he said and forced himself to eat his breakfast “I was just...I was thinking about the article... we're discussing something similar in German class... can I have the paper for school?”

Frank nodded, folded the paper and handed it to Ian “Don't let the discussion get too hot, you see what can happen.” Frank said and Monica shot another glance at him.

 

Ian didn't catch a glimpse of German class, he saw that Mr. Miller opened and closed his mouth but he didn't hear what he was saying.

Mickey didn't sleep that morning, everyone was staring at him, at the wound on his temple.

When the class was over everyone left the room, all of them whispering and looking at Mickey like he was an animal in a zoo.

Mickey stayed in class, Ian waited for him, he told Karen he had to talk to Mr. Miller.

The teacher knew that Ian didn't want to talk to him, he looked from one boy to the other and saw that something had to be said and they needed to be alone so he left the class room.

Ian walked up to Mickey, pulled the paper out of his backpack and extended it on the table in front of them. His finger pointed at the article, Mickey leaned with both hands on the table and read without looking at Ian.

'A big gray wolf.' Ian thought.

“Fuck.” Mickey said, took a step back, rubbed his face with his hands and exhaled loudly “Holy fucking shit.”

Mickey’s face was 10 shades paler than 2 minutes ago, he looked at Ian with wide eyes and breathed “He's dead.”

Ian looked in Mickey’s blue eyes and nodded.

Mickey’s eyes opened even wider when he said “And I said I'll kill him.”

Ian just nodded again.

“I would've.” Mickey said quietly “I would've done it if he would've shown up again.”

“He didn't come back to your apartment?” Ian asked with raised eyebrows.

“No.” Mickey shook his head, he went to the window and looked down at the school yard, Ian stepped up to him.

Ian could see Karen out there, she was smoking with Lizzy and Lip, they were talking about something funny ‘cause they were laughing and somehow Ian wished he could stand down there beside Karen, lay his arm around her shoulder and laugh with his best friend. Somehow he wished to be able to go back in his bubble – away from everything bad in the world.

Mickey’s voice interrupted Ian’s thoughts “I wasn't there. I wish I could be relieved … he won't come back ever. But I wasn't there.”

“At the Alibi?” Ian asked and turned his head to look at Mickey. Mickey nodded.

He didn't ask the question that needed to be asked. Do you believe me?

“You could need an alibi.” Ian said “I left your apartment on Saturday at midnight.”

“No.” Mickey whispered and turned around “You didn't.”

“Of course I did.” Ian said “I remember that I looked at the clock at home and thought ‘Wow, it's already half past midnight’ If Frank and Monica say otherwise, they must be mistaken.”

Mickey slowly shook his head “No, Ian.” he repeated “No. I don’t want to drag you into this shit, okay?”

Then he did something totally unexpected, he wrapped his arms around Ian and hugged him, pretty tight, Ian could feel every bone of Mickey's body, Mickey’s heartbeat. His heartbeat was fast, fretful, rushed. That gesture took Ian totally by surprise, but his heart made a huge jump.

Mickey was about to let go of him before Ian could even hug him back, before it even was a proper hug, but Ian wrapped his arms around Mickey and pressed him even a little closer against his body.

He thought Mickey would push him away but it seemed like that hug was what the other boy needed at that moment.

Ian let go of the other boy and smiled at him, Mickey mirrored his smile turned around and raced out of the class room.

Ian stood there, alone between all the papers, smiling like an idiot. He could still feel Mickey’s arms wrapped around him.

Ian startled when he heard a familiar voice “Hey Ian, are you day dreaming again?”

He looked with wide eyes at Trevor and mumbled “No I was just thinking about some article we worked on in German.” Ian crumpled up the paper, threw it in the basket and walked out the class room, leaving Trevor alone in there.

 

When Monica came home that day, Ian was sitting in the garden, all alone, he was watching the birds and the snow.

He wore his thick winter coat, but no hat, a few snow crystals sparkled in his red hair.

The world was silent except for the noise the birds made in the rose bushes.

Monica stopped at the door and watched her son for a little while, he looked like a statue, a work of art that someone put in the garden.

She stepped up to him, laid her hand lightly on his shoulder, the statue startled and the birds flew away.

“How long have you been sitting here already?” Monica asked with her softest voice.

“I don't know.” Ian answered and looked at her. His lips were blue, frozen. In his eyebrows were also sparkling a few snow crystals.

“Come in.” Monica asked, she didn't command, she asked “Drink a coffee with me. Tell me, if you want... tell me, what happened.”

“Nothing.” Ian said “Actually nothing happened. I'm just thinking, about the same thing I did this morning... Chicago...the man who was killed...I just asked myself... how much anger you need to kill someone... and if you can do it with one fist, just in case you can’t use your second one...I'm asking myself how does someone like this guy die...and if he maybe deserved it...”

Ian stood up and followed Monica inside, Monica took his coat and said “Jesus, you're ice cold, darling.” Monica took a breath before she said “Ian... the man...he didn't die because of the fight...though that's what the paper said...I shouldn't tell you but...”

“What? What happened then? How?” Ian stuttered with raised eyebrows.

Monica turned around and put some water on the oven “Linda's husband works at the forensic. She told me about it before I went home. I don't know why they didn't write it in the papers, maybe the police has their reasons to keep silent about that fact.... He was immediately dead, you know. He got shot.”

Ian grabbed Monica's arm and he saw the surprise in her eyes “Shot? You sure about that?”

Monica nodded “From behind, she said, a shot from behind in his neck. He was immediately dead. I just wanted you to know that.”

Ian looked at the clock and said “Shit, I totally forgot, I promised Karen... I gotta go…” he said, pecked his mother on the cheek and smiled at her “Thanks for the coffee, mum.”

Monica slightly shook her head and said “I didn't even make some coffee.”

Ian put on his coat and said “Then do it. The weather is right for a cup of hot coffee. I'll be right back.”

Ian knew that Monica watched him driving away with his bike, she always wanted a second child, maybe even a third one, but it didn't work and Ian knew that she was heartbroken.

She was always scared for Ian, from his first step 'til now, she was scared for him and Ian knew it.

Monica tried to cover here fear, she played it cool with not controlling Ian, not asking anything, not commanding him – but Ian knew Monica wanted to put him in a soft padded bag beside her heart, where it would be warm and safe and where nothing bad could happen to him.

Like Mickey did with Mandy, Ian was surprised but Mickey was like Monica.

 

He rang the bell three times 'til Mickey finally opened the door. He wore a shirt with faded letters on it, his hair was a mess, he looked like he had slept or showered.

Two of the tiny wounds on his temple were open again, they were shining light red.

“Can you shoot?” Ian asked without saying hello or anything.

“What? No.” Mickey was a little irritated by that question “You need someone who can shoot?”

“You sure about that?” Ian asked “And you don't have a gun?”

“No.” Mickey repeated. Ian thought that he would take a step back and let him in, but Mickey took a step forward at the hall and left the door slightly open.

Ian could see that he was freezing with just his shirt on, Mickey darted his tongue out to wet his lips and asked “Why?”

“If that's true, you're sure...” Ian stuttered before he finally spit out “He got shot. Terry. My mother knows someone... she told me about it earlier. He got shot, in the neck.”

Slowly, very slowly something like a smile came to Mickey's face “Jesus fucking Christ, I've never been happier that someone got shot.”

They stood there for a while in the cold hall, in silence.

The smile on Mickey’s face faded “I can't proof that I can't shoot. It's not possible to proof, that you can't shoot, right?”

Ian almost laughed “Why would you need to proof that?”

“They'll think it was me.” Mickey said quietly “After all.”

Ian saw Mickey’s quick look at the door and asked “Mandy? Did you tell her about her father being dead and shit?”

“Mandy's on a school trip.” Mickey said harsh. He folded his arms in front of his chest, as if he could beat off the cold with that gesture.

“Mickey...” he began “You want us to stand out here for the rest of the night?”

Mickey shook his head “No. You want to go home. You don't belong here. You’ll catch a cold.”

“It's warmer in your apartment.” Ian smiled at him.

“Ian.” Mickey said quietly “I'm quite busy.” He took another quick look at the door.

“Someone's in there.” Ian breathed.

“Yeah, someone I owe money.” Mickey rubbed his bottom lip with his thumb.

“I could...” Ian began but he was immediately interrupted by Mickey.

Mickey laid his hand on Ian’s arm and said “Please, Ian…Please go home.”

Mickey looked for a second like he wasn't sure if he should go back in there, as if he really wanted to stay at the hall for the rest of the night.

He ran his fingers through his messy hair, turned around, opened the door and closed it with a silent click behind him.

 

Ian kicked the wheel of his bike, there wasn't anything else he could kick.

Who was in Mickey’s apartment? Was Mickey with a girl? Or with a boy?

‘It’s none of your business.’ he said to himself ‘You meddle in his things, he didn't ask you to. Mickey’s right, you don't belong there.’

But why did Mickey hug him in the class room? Was it just a hug between friends? But it felt like more, did Ian see something that wasn’t even there?

Shit, he fell in love with Mickey and Mickey was in his apartment with someone else, really fucking great.

Ian slit his bike so he could to kick things on his way back home, he was starring angrily at cars that drove by.

Suddenly he felt a warm hand on his own, Mickey.

Ian turned his head, hopping to look into two light blue eyes, but it wasn't him.

“Trevor.” Ian breathed, he tried to sound not as disappointed as he was.

He was sitting on a bike right beside Ian and he smiled “Funny to meet you here. You got guitar lessons?”

Ian narrowed his eyes and eyed him up “And where were you?”

Trevor didn't answer, he just said “When I ask you something that's none of my business...”

“Then I won't answer...” Ian said and jerked his hand back, Trevor almost fell from his bike.

“You're following me, aren't you?” Ian said with knitted eyebrows.

“Maybe I'm just watching you so you won't do anything stupid?” Trevor said and Ian could feel a shiver running down his spine, okay that was too fucking creepy for Ian.

“Trevor, leave me alone. I don't need a watchdog.” Ian answered, he tried to say it as friendly as possible, though he was creeped out.

“Of course you do. More than you think.” Trevor said and drove off.

Ian watched him driving down the street, the fuck was wrong with Trevor, that was weird as fuck.

 

The next days were under the sword of Damocles.

Ian tried to stay angry, but he couldn't. He saw the sword above Mickey's head.

Sometimes Mickey was looking at him- that was new - Ian could see fear in the other boy’s eyes.

_“They’ll think it was me. It's impossible to proof that you can't shoot...”_

Mickey wasn't sleeping during classes anymore, not even in German class.

Maybe he wasn't out at night anymore, or maybe he couldn't sleep because he didn't feel safe anymore.

When the door opened to the class room during a lesson, Mickey startled as if he was afraid the feds would come and get him.

There was nothing new in the papers about Terry, it seemed already forgotten.

 

On Wednesday Ian stood at the window of the student’s room and looked out on the schoolyard. Ian didn’t feel very well the last couple of days, he felt confused and fucking exhausted.

Ian felt warm fingers brushing over his hand, the warm feeling flooded his whole body. Ian closed his eyes for a short second before he turned his head a little.

“Somehow I wish they would finally come.” Mickey quietly said “I wish they would show up and demand an explanation where I was on Saturday night. Then I could say that I wasn't there, that I have no gun and that I can't shoot. I didn't kill him. But they don't come, they don't give me the fucking chance to defend myself...”

Ian felt the warm fingers on his hand again, he felt that Mickey gave him something. A piece of paper.

“Good Luck for the physics exam.” Ian smiled softly at Mickey.

“I don't take it.” Mickey bit down his bottom lip.

Ian glanced at Mickey, he looked away, of course he wouldn't write that stupid exam, somehow Ian thought that it was Terry's fault.

 

Ian looked at the paper Mickey gave him, it was sealed with tape, IAN was written on it.

Ian smiled when he saw the orange hearts on the paper, it was from Mandy.

“Deer Ian.” it said “You ned to com over agan so te stori can go on. Yors Mandy.

Deer Ian. Questons you dont no:

1.Where is someone when he isnt tere?  
2\. Is te red hunter gon or r comin others??  
3\. Can u mak that Mickey isnt afrad anymor, Ian? Yors Mandy.”

Ian took a pencil to answer Mandy, but ‘Dear Mands’ was all he wrote down, he couldn't answer a single one of her questions.

 

On Friday Ian was wandering around, his feet wanted to carry him to the Cafete, where he would met Mandy and Mickey, but he forced himself to walk in the other direction.

He walked around the fish market, there were kids playing and somehow he hoped to see a pink jacket. But there was no pink jacket, Ian sighed.

He could go to that new shop and buy something, just to do anything, just to distract his thoughts for a few minutes.

He walked up the stairs to the shop, turned around and saw that someone was running towards him, it was no kid in a pink jacket.

It was a boy with a green military parka and a gray scarf, a boy without a hat, the snow sparkled in his black hair.

Then he was there, grabbed Ian's hand and pulled him at the alley beside the store, behind him Ian saw a pink jacket in a crowd of kids.

“They got him...” Mickey panted. He was totally out of breath, but his eyes were shining so bright Ian’s heart skipped a beat.

The sword. The sword above Mickey’s head was gone.

“Got him?” Ian asked confused.

“The guy who shot Mandy's dad.” Mickey noticed that he was still holding Ian's hand, he let go and tried to catch his breath “I heard a few things...probably it'll be in the papers tomorrow. With one of those guys Terry shouldn't have fucked with, they didn't find one gun, they found a whole arsenal. Seems like he dealt with them. He fled when he heard they found Terry's body, but he came back to his apartment, then they got him...and...” Mickey stopped.

“That's fucking amazing.” Ian smiled and his heart felt so much lighter “So he confessed the murder?”

“The fuck should I know.” Mickey said “But it must be him, right?”

Ian nodded slowly “It must be him.”

“Are you hiding?” Mandy asked and both boys startled, Mandy's face was rosy from the cold, but she beamed at them.

“You didn't see us.” she said to Ian “You just walked by, though I waved. I couldn't shout because I was out of breath... Why didn't you see us?”

“I … I was in thoughts.” Ian answered honestly.

“What were you thinking?” Mandy asked interested.

“About you two, I was thinking about you so much that I didn't see you.” Ian smiled and brushed with his hand over Mandy’s black hair.

“Are we buying something at this shop?” Mandy asked.

“Not here.” Ian said “But we can buy something there, at the 'Silver Lining', I bet they have cocoa there... do you have time for a cocoa? I could... I could invite you...”

Mandy looked at Mickey and he seemed to think about it, he slowly nodded “Okay.”

 

“We've never been here before, but I like it here, we can come here every day.” Mandy babbled.

“When I go to college and got a work, when we have money, then we can come here every day.” Mickey winked at her.

“You’ll go to college here?” Ian asked.

“Maybe, we'll go somewhere else.” Mickey shrugged.

Ian thought about Mickey moving away with Mandy, it was always we not me, how would Mickey look after Mandy when he was going to college and work, would he even get custody?

They sat down on a table, the sun made her way through the clouds and shined on the snow.

Ian thought that it could stay the way it was at that moment, he with Mandy and Mickey on that table and the sun shining outside. At that moment Ian couldn’t imagine something more perfect than that.

Ian and Mandy were looking at Mickey, passionately waiting for him to continue the fairy tale. Mickey raised his eyebrows, grinned and took a sip of his cocoa before he started.

_"The sun was shining brighter than usual down on the ship._

_The black ship was far far away, but it never disappeared fully, it was still out there._

_Though the sun was shining so bright it wasn't getting warmer, it was still freezing out at the sea._

_The tendrils of the rose boy wilted more and more, one night he stood alone on deck and the last leaf fell on the floor._

_He was naked, he sat down on the bench, he was waiting for death to come and get him._

_In the right corner of the ship something big moved, the boy of roses startled._

_It was the wolf. The big gray wolf, who bit the red hunter to death, the boy saw it but he didn't tell the little queen about it._

_He came slowly towards the boy and he saw that the wolf foundered on his right fore-paw._

_When he was close the boy saw that the wolf was bleeding at his face._

_'That's from the epee of the red hunter.' the wolf said and looked with his golden eyes at him._

_'How does it come that you're still bleeding?’ the boy asked 'It's been a while since we dropped the body of the hunter into the sea. And the sea lion, who swims by the ship at day doesn't have any wounds.'_

_The wolf didn't answer 'You're freezing. Can you believe that you can spin my blood into fabric?'_

_The boy really tried to believe it and at that moment the blood of the wolf became a yarn, which spun himself to a soft fabric._

_The fabric wrapped around the boy, it was warm and cozy, he didn't freeze anymore._

_He wanted to thank the wolf, but he was already gone._

_The rest of the night the boy sewed, with a needle made out of a thorn._

_The fabric was enough to make clothes for everyone on the ship, except for the white cat, but she didn’t even care for the cold, she was too less interested in the world, in anything._

_When the morning came all of them were standing on the deck wearing the red velvet._

_The lighthouse keeper saw through his glasses and shouted 'Look, there are the next two isles. We can go ashore, to walk a little.'_

_‘When...’ the little queen thought ‘...did he found his glasses again?’_

_Didn't she go back to the ship because of his glasses and was almost getting caught by the red hunter? She pushed that thought aside._

_The isle was full of people, they were waving and shouting, it was a total chaos._

_'Where came the moon from?'_

_'What's the meaning of life?'_

_'Why does the sun shine?'_

_'That, my little queen is the isle of questions.’ the sea lion said._

_The little queen wanted to jump on the shore but she landed in the people's arms._

_'Where does someone go when he dies?'_

_'When does the fear end?'_

_'Please help me.' the little queen shouted scared, she didn't know the answers to those questions 'They'll rip me apart.'_

_Suddenly the little queen heard a barking, the gray dog was there, he bit right and left, the people of the isle took a step back._

_'Why is he doing this?'_

_'Where does he come from?'_

_'Is he bad or good?'_

_The dog caught the little queen, before she landed on the ground._

_The little queen sat on the dog's back and they ran back to the shore._

_A little while later the little queen was back on her green ship._

_The people ashore were still pretty excited, they were still asking one question after the other._

_'Take off.' the sea lion shouted out of the waves 'Hurry up! Too many questions aren't good.'_

_When they drove off one of them jumped towards the ship and grabbed the railing, he climbed up and got on deck 'Can I come with you? Are you sailing to the onshore? How does the onshore look like?'_

_'Shut up.' the white cat said 'I can't sleep when you're asking that much.'_

 

_On the next isle there was also a crowd waiting for them on the beach, they could see that the people were shouting words towards the isle of questions but those words didn't reach the other isle._

_'I bet this is the isle of answers.' the sea lion rolled his eyes._

_'I hope they let us get ashore.' the little queen said, but the crowd was too excited, every one of them wanted to spit out his answers._

_'It's seven o'clock.'_

_'It's fivehundrethirtythree.'_

_The boy pushed the asking one gently towards the railing and said 'You can ask your questions here.'_

_'But how should I find the right questions for all these answers?' he whined, ran in the cabin and hid between the ice bear fur._

_'I think it’s better we don't go ashore.' the sea lion said 'We can go ashore when we reach the onshore.'_

_But before they could sail away, one of them jumped on the ship, he went quickly into the cabin and they could hear the answers and questions for a while._

_'Is he telling the truth?'_

_'On the 13 th of march' _

_'Is he good or bad?'_

_'Under the trees, where the wood anemones grow.'_

_The cabin door sprung open and both of them came out, they seemed totally confused._

_One of them ran towards the bow and one towards the stern, they climbed over the railing and hung them self on the outside of the ship like figureheads, so they would never see each other again._

_The others were laughing about those two for a long time, but they stopped when they realized that the black ship was pretty close, they could see four figures standing on the bow.”_

 

Mickey looked in his mug and stirred the cold cocoa with the spoon, he looked out of the window, as if he was thinking about the words he just said a few minutes ago.

“The glasses, I think the lighthouse keeper had them in his pocket, he just forgot that.” Mandy said “People forget thinks like glasses all the time, my teacher always forgets where she puts her glasses. Oh and she wanted to talk to mum again. But, Mickey, when the red hunter came on the ship, I let him in, I mean, in reality.”

Mickey nodded “Yes you did.”

“Now I'm not allowed to let anyone in, right?” she asked.

“That's right.” Mickey answered and Mandy nodded proudly.

“That's exactly what I did yesterday, I totally forgot to tell you about that.” she said.

Mickey straighten up in his chair and his eyes came back from the distance to the table “Who didn't you let in, Mandy?” he looked at his little sister.

“I don't know.” Mandy said “I didn't let him in. He was just at the door, he talked to me to the slightly open door.”

“What?” Ian asked before Mickey could.

Mandy was thinking “He said he's an officer.”

Mickey swallowed hard and looked with wide eyes at Ian. Fuck, they were there, the police, they would lock him up.

“I think he said he's working for a shell and something with your...” Mandy added and knitted her eyebrows and Ian almost barked out a laughter when he finally understood what Mandy meant.

“Oh, was it a man from the social security office maybe?” Ian asked Mandy.

“Yeah that's what he said.” Mandy nodded.

Mickey downed the rest of his cocoa just like the vodka the other day.

He put his hands over his face, as if he had was going to a private room to pick up courage.

When he put his hands away there was something like a smile on his face, but it was forced.

“The black ship's still there, I didn't assert anything else. But today – today we wanted to celebrate Mandy, right?” he said.

He stood up and put on his jacket “So we're celebrating. We'll...we'll do something special today...We...” Mickey stopped.

Behind his smile was hiding something drastic, something like the silhouette of a dark ship.

‘I need to distract him.’ Ian thought ‘I need to get rid of that ship, before it comes too near.’

“I know what we could do.” Ian smiled and stood up from his chair “We'll get some ice cream. I mean if you want to.”

“Of course.” Mandy shouted when they went outside the 'Silver Lining'.

“We didn't even have lunch yet. Can we eat ice cream in winter?” Mandy asked excited.

“Ice cream is no lunch.” Mickey said and rolled his eyes “We should eat real lunch.”

“Come on.” Ian said “Stop the dad thing for one second. Ice cream is perfect for lunch, when you want to celebrate. When I was your age Mandy, we always went to the city to eat ice cream when we had something to celebrate. Especially in winter. My dad always said everyone can eat ice cream in summer, and we enjoyed the stupid glances of everyone else when we walked through the city with our ice cream.” Ian smiled at that memory “When we got too cold from the ice cream we sat in front of the stack to…” Ian stopped there.

“Boy of roses.” Mickey said quietly “You must be awfully happy on your isle.”

“That’s what you think.” Ian said “But there are too many thorns. I started to feel them, like the little queen...”

 

The Italian guy at the shop was a little surprised that they wanted ice cream, but just a little, maybe he remembered that a few years ago a little boy came by with his parents every now and then.

They walked down the city with their ice cream cones, they just walked with no direction in mind, side by side without saying anything.

When they finished their ice cream they were still walking, and Ian asked himself if they would just continue their walking 'til the end of the world, and if there would wait a blue sea and a green ship.

Ian was thinking about the first time he talked to Mickey at the student’s room. He sat there by the window, Ian was kinda scared of him back then, he never thought that one day he would walk through the city with Mickey by his side and think that everything was fine.

When his thoughts came to this, he realized that his hand was in Mickey's, he didn't know how this could happen, but he was happy as fuck that it did happen. He didn't know who took whose hand, it just seemed like their hands met in the middle.

Ian took a deep breath, he was afraid to move his fingers, he didn't want to frighten Mickey, he didn’t want him to jerk his hand away.

Mandy was pretty wide ahead like a little dog, she came back, looked at Ian and Mickey and grinned, saw their hands and her grin became even wider.

Ian was sure that Mickey would pull his hand away from Ian’s, but he didn't, he squeezed it shortly and Ian squeezed back.

Mandy ran ahead again and scribbled something on a dirty window, she chuckled and hopped away, like a gumball with a fake fur collar and braids.

Ian and Mickey stopped at the window, looked at the word Mandy wrote on it 'kiss'.

Ian swallowed and looked at Mickey, he didn't know how the other boy would react, Mickey starred at the word, shook slightly his head, but there was a smile on his face.

“She's the little queen.” Mickey said before he turned his head to look at Ian.

“You have to obey a queen.” Ian said and smiled and Mickey nodded serious.

‘But we just continue our walking and forget the word on the window.’ Ian thought ‘It's almost forgotten already.’

Mickey grabbed Ian’s hand and pulled him at the alley beside the restaurant, he pressed him against the wall and kissed him.

Mickey's lips were cold like snow, but beyond his lips laid a warmth, the warmth of red velvet.

Ian felt Mickey's tongue, it was touching for his and Ian thought of the wolf.

What if the fairy tale is true? A shot in the neck and a deadly bit in the throat. Everything fits.

What if I'm kissing a murderer? What if?

Fuck it. A murderer, a wolf, a father, an innocent, a storyteller.

Ian laid his hands on Mickey's neck and kissed him back.

Ian could feel all those words on Mickey's tongue, all the words he ever said, all of the words from the fairy tale.

He didn't taste like vanilla ice or cocoa or cigarettes, Ian tasted the words, he tasted the salt of the sea water and the blood of the wolf and behind the words he tasted the winter. Behind the winter there was another taste, it took a while 'til Ian discovered it, the taste of fear.

Mickey was scared and he wasn’t holding Ian, he was holding on him.

Storyteller, he thought, where does the ship sail on which we stand? Where does the fairy tale lead? Who's on the black ship? Will there be more blood?  
  
 ' _I don't need a watchdog.' Ian said.  
'Of course you do.' Trevor said 'More than you think.'_

They walked back still holding hands, for a little while Mandy walked between them, they grabbed her arms and let her fly through the air, as if she was a much younger child.

When they reached Ian's bike someone stepped out of the supermarket, someone with glasses, Mr. Miller.

Ian thought that Mickey would let go of his hand but he didn't.

Mickey nodded and the teacher nodded back and Mandy asked a little too loud “Who's that?”

“The lighthouse keeper.” Ian answered and suddenly he realized something: the white cat.

“Natasha.” he said quietly to Mickey, while Mandy was playing and didn't hear them “Could it be that she came on board?”

“Who knows?” Mickey shrugged.

“The white cat, who doesn't care for the world and is sleeping all the time... Is she back, Mickey? You heard from her?”

Mickey shook his head “No. She just somehow came to the story.”

Ian wasn't sure if he believed Mickey, something about the whole Natasha story seemed odd.

He thought about the day when Mickey wouldn't let him in...  
Did Mickey hide his mother in her own apartment? But from what? From whom?

Mickey took a step closer to Ian, laid his hand on Ian’s cheek and caressed it with his thumb “Time to go home. Take care of you, Ian.”

Ian slightly nodded and whispered “You too, bye.”

 

He watched them driving away in different directions on their bikes.

He remembered the day, he first saw them together, at the cafeteria.

Their outlines were shining, cheesy, covered in gold.

How long since he had something with shiny outlines in his life, beside literature? Too long.

He remembered the smell of hair, the numbing smell of cheap shampoo, he bought her an expensive one, but then he missed the smell of the cheap one.

He remembered conversations about things, she didn't understand and which meant too much to him...

He remembered music from old scratched records, dancing in a tiny living room, an old couch and broken dreams.

 _Dance me to the children who are asking to be born_  
_Dance me through the curtains that our kisses have outworn_  
_Raise a tent of shelter now, though every thread is torn_  
_Dance me to the end of love_  
_Dance me through the panic till I'm gathered safely in_  
_Touch me with your naked hand or touch me with your glove_  
_Dance me to the end of love_

For just a short moment he wished to be young again, younger, just a little, to do everything again but different that time.

Before Mickey and Mandy left the place in the one direction and Ian in the other, he saw their shadows, long and dark, of course it was because the sun was about to set, it didn't mean anything.

Suddenly he was scared. Scared for them.

He never had kids. But if he would have had any, they would be their age.

He would be worried about them and he wouldn't be able to sleep when they would come home too late.

He would toss and turn in bed, yell at them for coming home too late or maybe not, maybe he would be silent, and silently loose them.

There was no way to do the right thing, for his own kids. It was better to don't have any.

Ian and Mickey weren't his kids, just his students, dammit, he took the fear home with him anyways.

_‘Who's that?’ ‘The lighthouse keeper.’_

The lighthouse keeper? Why was he the lighthouse keeper? Which lighthouse did he service and what was he waiting for?


	10. Trevor

That night Ian slept with Mickey, not really, he was dreaming of him.

He laid in his bed at the house with the blue air and he was dreaming of a time bubble in Mickey's fairy tale, which would never be told. A night on deck at the green ship.

The little queen was dreaming as well, she was dreaming between her polar bear fur down in the cabin, in her arms laid Miss Layla, beside her the answering one and the asking one, they came back on the ship to sleep.

The lighthouse keeper was also lying beside them, he slept in his boots, his glasses were pushed back into his gray hair.

The little queen smiled in her dream, maybe she was dreaming about a reality far away from the story, from blue ice cream at the city, from letters on a window.

Ian was all alone on deck, he was looking at the stars, he saw the hunters up there, five.

'Four of them are still chasing us.' Ian thought 'They want to catch us before we reach the onshore.'

He stepped up to the railing and looked down at the waves. There were pieces of ice in there, the sea would freeze, maybe that would happen soon.

The sea lions head appeared on the water surface. Ian wanted to spread out his arms to help him on board, but the sea lion kinda jumped on the ship and when he landed he was the wolf, no the dog with the golden eyes, but no he was no dog, he was a human, Mickey.

It was Mickey and at the same time it wasn't him, his eyes were wrong, they were golden instead of blue.

He wore all black, but not the hoodie Ian hated so much and no black jeans. Mickey wore a button down shirt and black trousers, he looked like he would go to a funeral. But before he could ask Mickey why he was wearing all black, Mickey pulled him into his arms.

Ian felt the red velvet sliding down his body, he was naked. For a moment he stood there naked in the moonlight, but he didn't freeze.

Ian opened the buttons of Mickey’s shirt, it was so easy as if he would shed his own clothes, the black fabric slid to the ground and met there with the red velvet, black and red, like night and blood.

He looked at Mickey. He tried to smile, though he was a little scared.

Mickey grabbed Ian's hand and guided him between the white sails, which surrounded them like a tent. It was dark in the tent, there was nothing to see, just to feel, taste and hear.

In a dream, in a fairy tale, nothing needed to be explained, everything just happened. That night Ian knew everything, understood everything and was familiar with everything and suddenly he had to think about Karen and he laughed because Karen understood nothing, she was just talking.

Ian felt blood, he didn't know whose blood it was, his own, from Mickey's wound on his temple, or from someone else?

No that wasn't possible it was just the two of them, no one else was there.

The white cat on the deck slowly shook her head about what she saw.

 

Ian woke up, it was 5 am and he was out of breath.

'The white cat.' he thought '...wasn't the white cat blind?'

He sat up in his bed and he realized that he was shaking. His bed seemed to be endless big and he was alone in it, very alone.

 

“Look at our Ukrainian haberdasher.” Karen said on Monday morning “When he stays out there he'll be totally snowed up. I just don't get this guy. He's standing out there since morning, he didn't even go to English class, he just stands there with his earphones on.”

“White noise.” Ian smiled to himself.

Karen raised her eyebrows “What?”

“Maybe he needs some extra money.” Lip laughed, he brushed his hair out of his face and gave Karen a gently push “Math and Physics are done, we should celebrate. Tomorrow night. We could ask, if he has some shit to smoke. Nothing too hard. Or does he only sell pills?”

“He's a haberdasher.” Karen answered quietly and gently laid her hand on Lips arm “He can get pretty everything you want. When you want something to smoke, he will laugh at you, that's easy, a real bargain. He doesn't knock down that much from that, I think.”

“Today I fell like being generous.” Lip said and grinned “What do you think, will our Ukrainian assemblyman take a tip?” Lip put on his coat and walked over the schoolyard towards Mickey.

“The snowflakes look so goddamn beautiful in his hair. I could put that man in a frame and hang it up on the wall in my room...” Karen said and Ian rolled his eyes “You coming tomorrow?” she asked him.

“Yeah maybe.” Ian answered, he saw Lip standing beside Mickey. Lip stood there in his glowing coat, glowing hair, his confident walking and beside him Mickey, his hands buried in his pockets, the hat deep in his face, like a black lump in front of the white snow.

He saw that Lip spoke to Mickey, he had still his earphones on.

“You can party, without anything to smoke.” Trevor said and Ian startled, he didn't notice that he was standing beside him, Trevor smiled at Ian “What do you think?”

“I think I don't like Lip.” he answered quietly.

 

The Math exam went pretty good, first he thought he couldn't concentrate on the exam, 'cause his mind was circling around Mickey and the dream he had.

Every now and then during the exam Ian glanced at Mickey, in the middle of the exam Mickey took off his hoodie, he was sitting there in a shirt and Ian forced himself to look away.

After the exam Ian went to Trevor to thank him for the explanations and teaching, Trevor smiled bright at him.

And before Ian could think twice he suddenly said “When we party tonight, join us.”

Ian didn’t know why the fuck he said that, maybe he just wanted to be nice, he didn’t even wanted Trevor to come with them. Ian hoped so fucking much that Trevor would say no, like he always did, Trevor didn’t like to party.

“Me?” Trevor knitted his eyebrows.

Ian nodded though he wanted to shake his head “Yeah you, but do me favor, don't appear out of somewhere without any noise.”

_‘Please say no. Please say no.’ Ian’s brain repeated._

“Okay I'll try to appear loud as an elephant.” Trevor grinned, Ian never saw him grinning that bright before and Ian internally rolled his eyes.

_‘Jesus no, why didn’t he say no, like every other time Ian asked him to go party with them. Ugh.’ Ian screamed in his head._

 

Monica didn't ask where Ian would go, she just smiled softly and said “Take care, the streets are pretty icy.”

“Jesus, the last exam.” Frank breathed.

“Just for Lip.” Ian said “We still have the history exam in front of us. Lip's in another class.” Ian grimaced.

“And then? Graduation? Jesus, it feels like yesterday you went to Kindergarten. Now you driving alone to the city at night." Frank sighed before he asked "You already know when you'll be back?”

“I don't know. But not too late.” Ian smiled at him.

“Midnight.” Frank said “At the latest.”

Frank stood up and laid a hand on Ian's shoulder and asked “What happened to the load you carried on your shoulders? Is it gone? Or… could it be… that someone helps you carrying?”

“No, it's still there.” Ian smiled a little “But it's not that heavy anymore.”

Frank looked at Ian's smile as if it was a painting “Someday you'll explain it, right? Mon is worried about you, you know. She says you’ve changed.”

“Someday I'll explain it, I promise.” Ian nodded “But tonight it's just a normal going out with Karen and the others. It has nothing to do with anything.”

At that moment Ian didn't know how fucking wrong he was.

 

They met at a bar called 'The middle', one of the few bars in the city where you still were allowed to smoke. The air in there contained 80% the smell of cigarettes, 18% the smell of cocktails and the remaining 2% smelled like other smoke than from cigarettes.

Karen flipped through the endless drink menu and grinned “Sex on the beach.”

“At that weather.” Lip smirked and darted his tongue out to wet his lips.

“That's the drink I'll take, asshole.” Karen laughed and pushed his shoulder.

Trevor was sitting in front of his beer, trying to look cool and Lizzy glanced at Ian, she was mad at him for inviting Trevor. Ian mouthed a silent 'Sorry' towards her and smiled, she slightly shook her head but mirrored his smile.

When Ian ordered a vodka, Karen protested “You don't like vodka. Drink some of those cocktails with us, they have plenty of them here. We'll get you something fruity, I mean we're celebrating Math, right?”

“Jesus Karen, let him choose on his own, he's not a fucking kid anymore.” Trevor rolled his eyes.

“Okay, fine.” Karen said and took a short glance at Lizzy and Ian. Ian mouthed another 'Sorry' towards the girls.

Ian leaned back and watched Karen and Lizzy talking enthusiastically about their future plans.

He watched Karen and Lip and wondered how much Lip liked Karen and how less Karen knew about the world, though she always acted like she did.

The feeling of an odd forbearance washed over Ian, he was sitting there and heard them talking but didn't hear what they were talking, it was like he was watching a movie.

He sat there outside of the movie with his vodka and he was thousands of years old.

No one of them ever saw an isle sinking, no one of them had ever picked out shards from a wound, no one of them had ever been at the stairway where Ian stood a few days ago.

Ian realized that they were the ones living in a bubble, not him.

He was talking to them, about nothing too important, he didn't hear what he was talking, he saw how their glasses went empty and got filled up again.

Ian gave the joint that Lip reached around to the next without taking a puff, he saw the time passing by but he wasn't really there.

He was on a ship, on the sea, he was walking with Mickey through the city.

Sometime he noticed that Trevor didn't drink beer anymore, he was sharing a cocktail with Lizzy, and Ian thought it was mean of her, 'cause he knew Trevor would interpret that wrong.

He asked himself if Trevor had took a puff of the joint. Maybe he did to be cool. But he didn't think long about that, he was too absent to do that.

“Ian.” Karen laughed “You're dreaming. You dream without smoking anything... you dreaming about your college boy?”

“What college b... oh ...the college boy.” Ian stuttered “Yeah. Yeah, maybe. I think I need some fresh air. I need some fucking double O's.”

“What?” Karen asked and leaned against Lip “What are you talking about?”

“O2, Karen.” Ian rolled his eyes “Oxygen.” Ian stood up and made his way through the crowd.

“Wait.” someone shouted from behind “Ian. I'm coming with you.”

Ian rolled his eyes before he turned around and shook his head “Thanks Trev, but I want to be alone for just a short second, okay? I...” I want to look at the stars, I want to see if the stars are as beautiful as the ones he saw on the ship.

“I'll be right back.” Ian said and forced a little smile.

 

It was fucking cold outside, he regretted not putting his coat on. He pulled the sleeves of his shirt over his hands to keep them at least a little from freezing.

He looked around and saw that he wasn't the only one who was catching some fresh air.

He looked at the sky, when he heard a familiar voice speaking out some figures, usually the voice said other words, words from a fairy tale.

Of course Mickey was on his nightly tour, Ian didn't expect to meet him there, he thought Mickey was around his neighborhood, but of course there weren't as much bars as in the city.

Ian felt a warmth wash over him, a friendly warmth, it was odd, he heard him talking with some guys, who scared the shit out of him but he still felt that warmth.

“Hey, yo.” one of the guys shouted at Ian “You got a lighter?” he walked up to him, the others followed him, a cigarette between his fingers “My lighter's broken.” he looked at Ian in a way he didn't like.

Ian thought it would be a good moment to go back to the bar, but they were standing between him and the entrance and he didn't know how many drinks they already had.

“Sorry.” Ian shrugged “I don't smoke.”

“Ryan, I told you he doesn't smoke.” one of the guys behind him said.

They were standing a little too close, shit why did he get out here at that moment? Why alone? Mickey wouldn't help him, he didn't know him, like in school.

Ryan looked at Ian and wanted to say something but got interrupted by someone “Leave him alone.”

“Hey Mickey.” Ian said, he wasn't able to say anything else.

“What? That's your name Milkovich?” Ryan laughed “Mickey? Like the mouse? Who's this boy?”

“This is Ian.” Mickey said and wrapped his arm around Ian's waist “Keep your hands off him or else we got a problem, you hear me?”

“Easy, calm down.” Ryan said. Mickey was about 40 pounds lighter than Ryan, but he seemed to have massive respect for Mickey.

“That means he's your boy?” one of the other guys asked “I thought you...”

“Don't think that much, Joe.” Mickey said “You can get a tumor from thinking too much, you know?”

Ryan laughed and Mickey pulled Ian a little away.

“What are you doing here?” he asked quietly.

“Karen and the others are inside.” Ian answered “I just needed some fresh air…”

Mickey laid his hands on his arms and said “Jesus, you're freezing. You're shivering.”

Ian nodded “That's not important.”

“Of course it is.” Mickey said and then he added with a somehow private smile “Boy of roses. I said your tendrils will wilt when you stay and you'll freeze. You wanted to stay on board...”

“I'm staying.” Ian said determined.

Mickey took of his parka and shed his hoodie and gave it to Ian before he put his parka back on.

Joe whistled and shouted “Yeah take them off, baby. Keep going Milkovich … he can join you...”

“Shut the fuck up, Johnny.” Mickey barked and took a step towards him, Joe didn't back off, he narrowed his eyes and eyed Mickey up, he looked kinda excited.

“What?” Joe asked “What do you want? You wanna fight? You know I'm always in for shit like that...”

“You know that's a fucking bad idea, remember what happened the last time?” Mickey said and raised his eyebrows.

Ryan laughed again, but this time it sounded a little concerned.

Ian hurried up to put on Mickey's hoodie, he thought that it would be better to have his hands free, just in case, but he knew that it was nonsense...

“Come.” Mickey said and took his hand and pulled him away from the guys “Let's walk a little.”

They walked down the alley, the street behind them stayed free from steps which followed them.

“I can fight them.” Mickey said and shook his head “But I don't need to. Don't worry.”

“I'm worried. And I'm scared of a lot of things lately.” Ian said.

Mickey stopped and looked at him, he let go of his hand “Yeah.” he sighed “Me too. But not of these guys, they're dumb. So fucking dumb. They live in my neighborhood. Almost everyone there is...dumb. It's not their fault, they just inherit it from their parents and pass it on to their children. It’s like the fucking circle of dumbness.”

“And you?” Ian asked.

“Me?”  Mickey understood and laughed “I don't know. Exceptions confirm the rule, I guess. Maybe Natasha got knocked up from an intellectual asshole. I was always different. And maybe when I was little she was different... I can't remember... Maybe one day she was a mother before she gave up to be anything. We got a letter from the SSO, they want her to get in touch with them, they'll come back to ask questions."

Ian took a step towards Mickey and hugged him tightly "Everything's going to be fine." he whispered in Mickey’s ear "Somehow, I don't know how… come let us walk a little while through the snow. It's beautiful... they said there wouldn’t be any more snow this winter and now..."

"What about the others at the bar?" Mickey asked while he walked beside Ian "Don't you want to go back to them?"

"Later." Ian said "Though I don't even know why. I don't wanna sit there and celebrate with them. They celebrate that the Math exam is over, but that's only what they think. They're celebrating their own stupidity. They're as dumb as the people from your neighborhood just in an other way, you know? I want something… something different… I want to go to America with a cargo steamer, wandering at the Himalaya. I wanna fly... fly away... somewhere wide away. Maybe to the desert." Ian gesticulated wildly with his arms.

"Yeah." Mickey said "Maybe I'll come with you to America, to the Himalaya and to the desert."

Ian stopped, his face beaming "Let's do this. After graduating. Let's really do all of this shit."

"And Mandy?" Mickey asked.

"Of course she’s coming with us. Couldn't be bad to get to know the world... we could do fucking everything, you know... everything... together…"

Mickey smiled "Everything. Together. With me? Ian Gallagher, how many drinks did you already have?"

Mickey took Ian's hand again and started walking, but Ian didn’t, he was still standing there, Mickey turned around and raised his eyebrows. Ian pulled him back so Mickey was standing right in front of him, he looked into his pale blue eyes and placed a soft kiss on Mickey’s lips.

Mickey smiled and said “Let’s get you back into the bar before you freeze to death boy of roses.”

 

Back in the front of the bar Mickey looked up to the other boy and said "Get your ass back in there they're waiting for you."  
"Come with me. Let’s drink a vodka or two or three. You took the fucking exam as well.."

"Ian, I don’t fit in." Mickey said and pressed his lips together.

"Me neither." Ian meant "Come on. They don't bite."

Mickey let Ian pull him through the door, reluctant. "Wait." Mickey said "What is this? An introduction to the refined society?"

Ian laughed "Jesus Mick, we're not living in the fucking middle age and we're not living in India. There are no castes. Come on, Mick. Liz for example, she wanted to fall in love with you experimentally."

"Jesus, fuck." rolled his eyes.

For a moment Ian thought everything was fine, Mickey would sit with them at the table, laugh with them and he wouldn't be the Ukrainian haberdasher anymore. He would be someone with a first name. But Ian was wrong...

They walked towards the others and on their way Mickey nodded at people Ian didn't know and maybe didn't even wanted to do so.

Mickey hesitated but followed Ian to the table.

Karen laid on one of the black couches, her head laid on Lip's knee. She looked tired in a comfortable way, not really tired, she looked like she was up to a lot of things tonight.

"Honey, where have you been?" she smiled at him.

"I met someone out there." Ian took a step aside to make a blandly gesture towards Mickey.

Suddenly everyone at the table was looking at him.

Karen sat up. Suddenly she seemed pretty awake "Oh Milkovich." she said "Hey."

The others didn't say a word. Ian realized that he was still wearing Mickey's hoodie.

'Fuck it.' he thought.

"There's a free place to sit, right?" he said "We…" he didn't get any further because at that moment Trevor stood up and walked towards Ian.

"Shit that’s how it is, huh?" he said loudly, too loud for Trevor "Now I fucking get it. I’m good enough for teaching and helping you. But that's it. I…you...ugh… just… Fuck you Ian Gallagher… I knew it…" Trevor leaned on Lizzy's chair, his glasses were sliding down his nose, he grabbed them out of his face and threw them on the table.

“The fuck Trevor? You’re drunk.” Ian said irritated.

“No.“ he answered, but his tongue seemed to be lazy and heavy “I’m sober, totally. Totally sober, for the first time… you must be drunk, I mean, look at you...”

Trevor made a step forward, he wanted to grab Mickey’s hoodie Ian was wearing.

Ian took a step back and Mickey did too.

'Mickey didn’t step back from the guys outside the bar.' Ian thought.

“Trev, sit the fuck back down.” Lizzy hissed and grabbed Trevor’s shirt to pull him back to his chair.

“Don’t you fucking dare to tell me what to do.“ Trevor barked, Lizzy jerked her hand back and looked at Trevor with wide eyes.

Trevor tossed Ian away with his hand and stood right in front of Mickey.

Ian held on the bar, so he wouldn’t fall to the floor, he heard the shatter of a glass breaking and he felt that many eyes were staring at him.

Mickey stood there, still like a stone, even his face was a stone.

Trevor took another step closer und wiped away the snow on Mickey’s shoulder and prettled “As cool as Milkovich in his military parka I could n… never be. But look there’s a button missing on your parka... A button on your parka… and don’t you want to cut your hair short again...?? I bet your Nazi friends don’t like to see your hair that long…” he grabbed Mickey’s black woolen hat and pulled it from his head.

Mickey grabbed it back and looked at him, that was all he did, he just looked at Trevor.

Their faces were pretty close, Trevor was a little taller than Mickey, but not half that broad.

It was really quiet in the bar. Ian could feel the tension, it was so thick you could cut it with a knife.

Trevor noticed the silence, looked around, he seemed to enjoy it, he looked back at Mickey and said "If I had a gun, I would blow your brains all over the floor. One shot, end."

Mickey raised his eyebrows, his calmness faded, he grabbed Trevor’s arm and Ian saw how tight that grip was, Mickey's knuckles emerged, Ian heard Trevor gasping for air.

"If you wanna fight me, Trevor Miller, than we can do that outside." Mickey said quietly.

"Fighting that’s your thing, right?" Trevor hissed and starred at his arm "But ... but talking is not so much your thing, huh? But girls AND boys seem to like that… when a guy is mysterious... or maybe he's a good fuck, huh, Ian?  Tell... tell us a little about it..."

Ian heard Karen whispering “Lip. Do something. When Trevor won't shut his fucking mouth Milkovich will beat the shit out of him." Was that fear he heard in Karen’s voice or was it his own?

Ian looked at Lip, his curly hair shined through the smoke, he sat there and watched the two boys, he looked like he would analyze that scene, he looked so focused even after all those colorful drinks and the joint.

Then Ian noticed a movement, Mickey raised his hand, shit he would punch Trevor in his fucking face and before Lip even recognized what was about to happen, Ian’s hand laid on Mickey’s, he looked him in the eyes and breathed “Don’t. He’s not worth it.”

Mickey looked first at Ian’s hand with knitted eyebrows then into Ian’s green eyes. He took a deep breath and put his hand back down.

When Ian took his eyes off of Mickey he saw that Lip was standing beside Trevor, he laid his hand on his shoulder and said to Ian “We take care of him, he's fucking trashed. He doesn't know what he's saying.”

“Co…Course I know what I'm saying.” Trevor stumbled over his words.

Ian rolled his eyes and hissed “Oh fucking hell can you please just shut your fucking mouth.” He looked at Mickey and said “Let’s get the hell out of here.”

“Yeah, the boy's right Milkovich, you better leave now.” the waiter said, he seemed to know Mickey “I don't want to throw you out.”

Mickey took a deep breath, as if he wanted to say something, but he turned around and left.

"When he's wide away, you bring your friend out of here." the waiter said "He needs to sleep it off. And I don't wanna see him here that soon. Your hear me?" Lip took his hand from Trevor's shoulder.

Trevor sank on the bar chair and mumbled "Shit… fucking shit…"

"Yeah shit, you’re an asshole, Trev." Ian almost screamed at him and raced out of the bar, before he would bunch his fucking face.

Ian ran down the street and reached Mickey before he went around the corner and shouted "Mick."

Mickey turned around and put both hands up, defensive "Don't.. Don't fucking touch me."

"I didn't want this to happen." Ian said "… I'm sorry... Trevor's an asshole... I didn't want I to end like this." Ian took a breath "Mick, can't we just go somewhere… where there's no one? No people, no bars, no school yards, nothing...just..."

Mickey hesitated before he said "Alison copse. I wanted to go there with Mandy anyways. She loves the forest out there, when it’s covered in snow. We could go there tomorrow. "

"When tomorrow? How do I find you?"

"At the Russian shop. Around 4 pm." Mickey said and turned around and mumbled "I must be fucking crazy."

"Wait." Ian shouted "Where are you going? Can I come with you?"

Mickey turned around again and said "No, Ian. You can't come with me.”

 

They put Trevor in a cab to get him home.

Karen was too busy with Lip to ask questions and Ian also got away from Lizzy.

At home Monica sat in the dark living room and acted like she wasn't waiting for him.

"You can go to sleep now, mum." Ian said and pecked her cheek "Sorry I probably smell like an ashtray.”

"Jesus, you're shivering, Ian." Monica said "Didn't you wear enough?"

"Sure, even a hoodie that doesn't belong to me. I’m not cold, just angry."

"Angry?" Monica asked, but Ian just shrugged.

"Yeah maybe I'm angry with myself." he answered.

 

The next day, the questions came.

Thousands of question, which stung like tiny sharp needles.

Lizzy asked the most, but the rumors made their way and soon the whole school knew. Ian Gallagher - at night, wearing the Ukrainian haberdasher's hoodie.

Was is it true that they were having a thing?

"Jesus, how exciting. Didn't think he's gay." Lizzy said "Tell me a little. How is he, without his military parka and his black hat... and without anything?"

Ian didn't answer. He didn't answer any of those questions.

Just Karen was silent, too silent, but Ian could feel every now and then her worried glance on him.

Mickey stood at the school yard like every day, his hands buried in his pockets.

 

During the second break Trevor stepped beside Ian and said "I'm sorry about that whole shit yesterday. I can’t even remember what I said…What people told me, it wasn’t very nice. I shouldn’t have drink that much…”

“Drunken and kids tell the truth.” Ian said harsh.

“I… I’m sorry…” Trevor stuttered and looked with puppy eyes at Ian “Can you forgive me?”

“I think you’re apologizing to the wrong person. You need to walk towards the bike rack to find the right person.”

“Jesus, fuck no, Ian. You two aren’t really a couple, are you? Tell me that’s not true.” Trevor almost shouted.

Ian scoffed and walked away from Trevor, he walked out of the school, he went past the school yard towards the bike rack, he was sick of the all the rumors, he was sick of all the others.

He didn’t care what they were thinking, and he couldn’t look after Mickey’s private bubble any longer, which he built up around him, when he stood alone outside there.

Ian stood beside him and asked “White noise?” Mickey just nodded.

“Mick.” Ian began “Can you give one of your earphones? I’m tired of all those shitheads, I don’t wanna hear their stupid questions and their fucking comments anymore.”

Mickey didn’t look at him, he gave him the earplug without saying a word. He realized that it was absurd to act like he wouldn’t know Ian.

The white noise covered them like a blanket out of fresh snow, it folded his wings over them and kept the curios glances away. The world under the wings of the white noise was beautifully silent.

 

At 4 pm  the sign of the Russian store was swinging in the wind, it was a pretty old store, the dolls in the shop-window already lost their color – but down the street there were walking three figures and at the end of the street there was the forest.

The Alison copse at 4 pm on a cold February day seemed to be the most beautiful place in the world. A forest full of fairy tale stories…

“Trevor apologized.” Ian said while they were walking down the street, Mandy ran ahead like she always did.

“Trevor.” Mickey repeated “Do me a favor and don’t mention that fucking name for quite a while, okay?”

“You know, somehow he’s a poor guy.” Ian said “He…”

“That’s what it is?” Mickey said bitterly “That’s the reason why you’re here with me? You’re collecting people you think who are poor and need help?”

Ian rolled his eyes “You know why I’m here with you.” he stopped and looked at the other boy.

Ian wanted to kiss Mickey, but he was afraid that Mickey would take a step back, after all what happened the night before.

He looked at the trees, asking for a sign, but the trees stayed silent, they didn’t help him.

He threw his fear overboard and kissed Mickey. Mickey didn’t step back. Maybe Ian thought, he was waiting for Ian to do, what he did.

“Are you still or again wearing my hoodie?” Mickey asked a little out of breath and looked at the first button on Ian’s coat, which had loosened “I didn’t notice at school.”

“I’ll give it back.” Ian said quickly and blushed.

“Not now.” Mickey said “Now we should outrun to Mandy.”

He smiled took his hand and they started to run, down the old street – it was like they were two kids, two kids in a fairy forest.

“Catch me!” the third kid shouted, the kid with the pink jacket.

Mandy ran into the forest, she jumped over a frozen creek, giggling cocky and continued her running on the other side.

Ian was behind Mickey, they had to let go of each other.

Mickey slipped and landed in the frozen creek bed, Ian laughed and ran by him.

He reached Mandy at the point where the trail parted, but Ian didn’t stop.

He took the left trail and shouted over his shoulder “Catch me if you can!”

In front of him the trail leaded to dense bushes, maybe it was no trail, but just a trace that deer were using.

He looked around while he ran, Mandy didn’t follow him, she was still standing at the fork, she seemed kinda doubtful and even a little scared.

But Mickey came near. Ian kept running, towards the bushes, he could jump into them and hide inside, though he would find him immediately…

Mickey reached Ian shy of the bushes and dragged him to the ground.

Ian tried to get up again, but Mickey’s grip was pretty tight. Ian looked up to Mickey. His eyes were golden. No, he just imagined, they were blue as always.

“Mick. Let go!” Ian laughed.

“Not that way.” Mickey responded “The forests too dense there.”

“But it’s beautiful here.” Ian said “In spring the wood anemones bloom here, I’ve been here quite often.”

Mickey pulled Ian up to his feet, his grip was still pretty tight. He grabbed him with his right hand, in his hurry he forgot that his wrist was injured. Ian saw that Mickey clenched his teeth to bear the pain. But he didn’t let go of Ian.

“In winter there aren’t blooming any wood anemones.” he forced a smile “Mandy’s afraid of the dark in that trail. Let’s go back and take the other one.”

He was right Mandy was still standing at the fork, she was looking at them but she didn’t take a step closer.

When they were beside Mandy, Mickey let go of Ian’s arm and took Mandy’s hand, her eyes were big and shocked.

“I thought, Ian would ran in there.” she whispered “That would've been a bad idea, Ian. The invisible are living in there, they have sharp, glowing teeth and they bite.”

Ian followed her and Mickey back to the other trail - back on the street the fear left Mandy’s eyes.

“It’s much better here. I shouldn’t have run along that trail.. I forgot. The invisible did bite Mickey already, you know… He was bleeding, his whole sleeve was soaked with blood…” Mandy said.

“Sometimes Mandy’s also telling stories.” Mickey said and brushed over her black hair “But me, I won’t tell the story about the invisible in the forest. I’m telling you about the Isle of the beggar.”

“The isle of the beggar?” Mandy asked.

“Yes.” Mickey said, smiled at his little sister and took her hand. He wrapped his other arm around Ian’s waist, and they went back through the Alison copse.

Ian tried to forget about the invisible, he didn’t want to think about their sharp teeth, which bite your sleeves bloody, no, not at that moment.

He just wanted to walk through the forest with Mandy and Mickey and listen to a story and don’t worry about anything for just a little while.

 

“ _The only building on it was a little miserable gray house. The wind was funneling down the holes in the walls and you could hear it wide, wide over the sea._

_‘Give me a donation.’ the wind whistled ‘that house is all I got. There are no panes and furniture, that’s the house from the beggar.’_

_Beside the house stood an apple tree and the wind was funneling down the leafless branches and sang ‘Give me a donation, that tree is all I got. There’s no apple on it, no juice in it, that’s the tree from the beggar.’_

_The wind also funneled down the oven ‘Give me a donation, that oven is all I got. There’s no coal in it, no fire, that’s the oven from the beggar.’_

_‘Let’s dock.’ The little queen said ‘We need to bring the tree to life and heat up the cold oven. Maybe my diamond heart could help the beggar! It must be good for something, that diamond heart!’_

_So they docked at that isle and the beggar came out of her house, she was surprised that someone came to visit her._

_She went in rags, thin and gray und disheveled, she looked old though she maybe was still young._

_‘Oh.’ she shouted ‘I’ve always wanted to welcome a queen on my isle! But I can’t offer you anything, little queen, I own nothing… You see that isle there on the horizon? That’s the isle of the rich man. When it’s clear you can see his pompous palace. I’ve been writing him letters for years, in every of them I asked for his help, but I never got an answer…”_

_The little queen laid her hand on the dead tree and ask her diamond heart to revitalize it, but it stayed dead._

_She laid her hand on the cornice of the chimney but it stayed cold._

_'It's me.' the beggar said 'Whatever I touch goes gray and cold...I just have no luck with things.'_

_'Come with us on board.” the little queen said 'We'll take you to the isle of the rich man.'_

_The beggar sighed, it was hard to leave her home behind, but in the end the boy of roses helped her to get on the ship and they left the isle._

_The sea lion appeared in the waves and he shook his head 'We've got no time. Don't you see, the black ship is near again.'_

_At the isle of the rich man stood a palace made out of blue glass, and in his panes the wind sang:_

_'You ask what it is that I can give?_  
_Joy, color, light and a place to live._  
_Whatever your heart desires, you can get it here,_  
_‘cause that's the isle of the rich man, my dear.'_

_Inside the palace, behind the protecting panes, were growing orange- and lemon trees, big date trees and banana trees._

_In the chimney burned a cozy fire on the couch right in front of it laid a letter._

_'Dear travelers.' the lighthouse keeper read aloud 'Take whatever you want. This morning I found a letter, which said that on the other isle on the horizon lives a beggar. I was thought that the isle was uninhabited...Now I'm on my way to go there. I will transform the isle of the beggar. All I'm touching will be fructose and beautiful, I don't know, I guess I'm lucky with my hands.'_

_'Oh.' the little queen shouted 'He's not here. He made his way to the isle of the beggar, he drove by us and we didn't see him.'_

_'But the beggar can live at the palace now.' the boy of roses said._

_The beggar sat down between the orange trees and looked a little lost._

_'Don't forget to water the trees.' the little queen said._

_'Yes...' the beggar blandly said._

_'And don't forget to clean the windows of the palace every now and then, so that light can come in and the trees can grow.'_

_'Yes...'_

_They filled a basket with fruits and went back to the green ship._

_'She's happy now.' the little queen said and hugged Miss Layla tightly 'We helped her.'_

_But the boy and the lighthouse keeper stood at the rear and looked back at the isle of the rich man._

_The little queen also looked back and saw that the palace looked a little gray, like its color would fade. The orange trees lost their oranges and started to wilt. On the isle of the beggar the dead tree greened._

_'That's the rich man with his lucky hands.' the lighthouse keeper said._

_'And the beggar with her unlucky hands.' the boy added._

_'Oh no.' the little queen shouted 'Maybe they need to meet, so that everything can be fine?'_

_'Don't scream that loud.' the blind white cat said 'I want to sleep. You can't change things. Poor stays poor and rich stays rich and they will never meet each other.'_

_The little queen looked away from the isle and saw the black ship with its black sails, it was near again, too near. The wind sang:_

_'This ship is black, its sails are too_  
_we're coming to get you._  
_Our ship is mighty and unsinkable,_  
_only for black hands its controllable._  
_You hear the murmuring from lip to lip,_  
_that's the black hunters ship.'_

_'Are they going to kill us?' the asking one shouted from the bow._

_'At the Alison copse between the bushes.' the answering one said from the rear._

_The little queen clutched on the rose boy, they could see two figures standing on the black ship, an overweight woman in a track suit and a younger man._

_Behind them stood another two people: an older couple._

_At that moment the gray dog jumped on deck and said 'Listen. When there's no other way you need to take the airship. It lays folded under the polar bear fur at the cabin. When you take it out, the wind blows it up to a balloon. The cabin can transform to a gondola, you can hang it under the balloon, but only use the airship in a real emergency. It flies with the wind and at the moment the wind blows from the onshore. When you use the airship you'll be safe from the black ship, but you'll probably never reach the onshore.'_

_The little queen kneed down and hugged the gray dog 'Why do you say YOU?' she asked 'Are you leaving us?'_

_'Yes.' the dog said 'I'll hold them back.'_

_Then he freed himself from the hug and jumped – no he nearly flight – to the black ship._


	11. Sisters of mercy

"B..but what happened then." Mandy asked breathless.

"I don't know what happened then." Mickey shrugged "Maybe it didn't even happen. We have to wait. And we're back anyways."

They left the trees behind and stood in front of the Russian store again.

Mickey unlocked his bike and said "The lock is almost frozen up. It's really frigging cold."

"Let's go home and drink hot apple juice with cinnamon." Mandy smiled "And let's make some griddlecakes, it's the perfect weather for griddlecakes. Ian still needs to learn how to make them right."

"We don't even know if Ian has time to learn how to make them, maybe he rather wants to go home to study for school or practice playing guitar..." Mickey brushed over Mandy's hair.

"Should I rather want to go home?" Ian asked and smiled.

Mickey slightly shook his head and a grin played on his lips "It's time you learn how to make proper griddlecakes."

  
They went up the stairs when Miss Pattel shouted "Mickey! Wait!"

"Go upstairs." Mickey said to Ian and Mandy.

Miss Pattel leaned on the handrail and looked up to them "Natasha isn't coming back, right? I know she's not coming back."

"How do you know?" Mickey slowly went down the stairs.

"I could tell you, but I won't." she said quietly " I know a lot of things."

Mickey was standing right in front of her, she only reached up to his chest. Her track suit was dirty, her hair was greasy and tied up to a messy pony tail.

Ian asked himself if she would be pretty if she would lose 40 pounds or if she had been pretty when she was young.

"I know that the SSO was here. They want the girl. You can't keep her, Mickey, you know that right? I just wanted to say you don't have to worry, I already have 3 kids but I wouldn't mind a fourth one. You could see her whenever you want, I wouldn't mind. She could live here with me, I could talk to the SSO, you know. I've got no troubles with them.. "

Mickey took a step closer to her, Miss Pattel took a step back and Mickey coldly said “Good for you, MIss Pattel. Give the SSO my kind regards and tell them Natasha's coming back.” Mickey looked wild, he was baring his teeth though you couldn't see it, but Miss Pattel did.

“She'd never been that harsh...” she said and took another step back “We got along, Natasha and I, sometimes we took a smoke together.”

“I'm afraid but I'm not Natasha. Take care of your kids and mind your own business. Have a nice day, Miss Pattel.” with those words he turned around and went upstairs.

He opened the door to the apartment, shed off his shoes and laid his hands on his face for a short moment.

Ian stood beside him, he didn't know what he could say to make it better, all he could think about was that he already saw Miss Pattel that day, she stood on the black ship.

Mickey took his hands off his face, looked at Ian and asked “Griddlecakes?” Ian smiled and nodded.

 

Ian and Mandy sat on the window sill and were watching Mickey making griddlecakes.

The kitchen filled with the smell of griddlecakes and hot oil, the small window in the kitchen fogged. Ian drew a ship on it and Mandy drew a dog that stood on its rear.

In the background was playing a song from Leonard Cohen.

 _Oh the sisters of mercy,  
they are not departed or gone._  
_They were waiting for me  
when I thought that I just can't go on._  
_And they brought me their comfort  
and later they brought me this song._  
_Oh I hope you run into them,_  
you who've been travelling so long...

Miss Pattel was already wide away.

“Look, when they detach from the edge, you shake the pan and toss them.” Mickey said “Look.”

Ian slid down from the sill and stood behind Mickey, for a short moment his chin rested on Mickey's shoulder. He wrapped his arms around Mickey from behind and placed a kiss on his cheek.

Mickey smiled softly and brushed his fingers gently through Ian's red hair. Ian wished they could stand there like that for all eternity, but Mickey said "Ian, it'll burn." 

Ian kissed Mickey's cheek again before he let go and took a step to the side.

Mickey took a step back and tossed the griddlecake and he really caught it, Mandy clapped excited.

“Mickey can do anything, you know?” Mandy grinned.

And Ian thought 'If you only could graduate with tossing griddlecakes!'

“Wait.” Mandy said “I think I heard something. Maybe...”

Ian followed her to the hall. The door bell was ringing. For the second time.

“Maybe it's her.” Mandy whispered.

“Who?” Ian asked with knitted eyebrows.

“Natasha. She always loved Mickey's griddlecakes. Maybe she smelt them and came back home.” Mandy's eyes were shining and before Ian could say anything she ran to the door and swung it open.

For a second Ian wanted to believe that Natasha was standing there and everything would be fine again.

But at the door stood a man Ian never saw before. He wore a leather jacket, a sweater and jeans. In his left ear shined a silver earring and in his three-day-stubble hung a bright smile. In his left hand he held a black folder.

“How nice that you actually open the door for me, sweetheart.” he said and placed his foot between the door and door frame so Mandy couldn't close the door.

He shook her hand, than Ian's and closed the door behind him.

“I don't know who you are, but my name is James Lishman. I'm coming from the SSO. I was here before but nobody let me in. I think it's time that we talk.” he said with a smile on his face.

The couch in the living room was too soft, for the first time Ian realized how less hold it provided, he heard Mickey doing something in the kitchen, but he knew he was listening.

James sat on one of the chairs across from Ian and Mandy.

“Okay.” he began, slid a little forward in the chair and leaned his arms on his knees and went on “You are Mandy, right? Amanda Kateryna Milkovich? I'm James Lishman. You can call me Jimmy tho...”

Mandy shook her head “Why should I call you like that?” she asked and Ian had to hold back his laughter, James looked a little irritated.

“Mandy... I'm here because of your mother.” he continued.

“She's on a trip. Her name's Natasha. She's coming back soon.” Mandy quickly said.

James nodded “We were just wondering if it would be better for you to live somewhere else 'til she's coming back.”

He looked at Ian “Are you related to those kids?”

Ian shook his head “I'm a friend.”

“He's Mickey's boyfriend.” Mandy explained, though the situation was extremely inappropriate Ian's heart fluttered. He was – was he? Was he Mickey's boyfriend?

“Mickey.” James said and took a look on one of the papers in his folder “Mikhailo Aleksandr Milkovich... half brother of Mandy, right?”

Ian nodded, James found another note and quickly added “I'm very sorry about the fact that she lost her father recently. But we need to find a solution. Mandy's mother … you know her? Do you know where she is?”

“No.” Ian said honestly “Nobody seems to know that.” He asked himself if he should have lied.

If he should have said: Yeah, I know her very well, she's just on a trip, she does that often...

“Mickey … he's seventeen, according to my informations … if Miss Milkovich really comes back … You can live for a couple of days alone when you're seventeen, right? It would be nonsense to search something for him either … we would … I mean, I would make an exception, when it comes down to … else there's even more riot … but the girl, she needs someone who takes care of her.”

“Mickey's taking care of her.” Ian said and he asked himself if James didn't hear that Mickey was in the kitchen.

Probably he did, he probably he knew exactly that he was in there and that he could ask him himself. Did he hope to get something out of Ian, what Mickey wouldn't say?

“When my information is correct, Mickey's about to graduate. He can't take care of a little girl.”

“Of course.” Mandy shouted and jumped up. “Of course he can! I don't want to go somewhere else!”

“Sit down.” James said “Let us think, Mandy. Are there any other relatives you could live with?”

“There are uncle Rick and aunt Molly.” Mandy answered “But I don't like them. We've been there before, during school break. I think they don't like kids. They don't like it when you're loud and everything. Uncle Rick was very mad about something, sometimes he slaps you and yells and they live far far away, I don't wanna go there. I think they don't want that either.”

“You could live with a foster family.” James said “When your mother doesn't come back any soon... you can live with an other nice family … 'til she comes back. But that's secondary. First we need to find out who's amenable for her...”

He noticed that Ian and Mandy were staring at him and he started to shift nervously around in his chair, he took a glance towards the kitchen.

“I mean … I know that her brother doesn't want us to be involved in all that here … I could take Amanda … I mean Mandy … I could simply take her out of here, I even could send the police to pick her up from school, but I don't want to do that. I would like to find the best solution, for everyone … and the best solution in my opinion is that we need to find out where their mother is, maybe you could help me... I...?”

“Why are you here?” Ian raised his eyebrows.

“I want to help.” James answered a little surprised.

Ian was searching for something in his eyes, they were as green as the forest in summer.

He asked himself, if you could explain things to him. No. He wouldn't understand. Nobody understood.

“No one needs to help us. I have Mickey and Mickey has me and we both have Ian, we don't need anyone else.” Mandy wrapped her arms around Ian's arm, like she was afraid James would take Ian away from her side.

'Jesus.' Ian thought 'Don't start fucking crying.'

“You need money to live.” James stated.

“We have enough money. Sometime we even go to drink some cocoa. We bought a book, recently, to celebrate.” Mandy said proudly.

“How do you know that Natasha Milkovich is on a trip?” Ian suddenly blurted out.

“We got a call from a worried neighbor. And it's been a while since the last time she made a draft of her unemployment benefit. Maybe it would be better if I talk to...” James sighed and looked towards the kitchen door.

At that moment it opened and Mickey entered the living room, a plate with griddlecakes in his hand.

Ian didn't know what the point of that was. Did he want to show James that Mandy wouldn't starve?

It seemed odd, how he stood there with a load of griddlecakes in his hands. A big brother from a fairy tale, beside the griddlecakes Mickey didn't look like a fairy tale brother.

Mickey looked like he had trouble to control his facial expression.

Threatening, yeah that was the right word. He looked threatening – like he did at the student's room, like he did at the bar when he stood in front of Trevor.

“Mikhailo Ale...Mickey Milkovich.” James said and stood up “I'm...”

“I know you're from the SSO.” Mickey said “I couldn't overhear that. That whole conversation here is totally useless. She called. I just talked to Natasha. She's coming back. I'll send her to your office, as soon as she's back. Tomorrow.”

“She just called you... like just now..?” James asked and knitted his eyebrows “Sorry but I call that bullshit.”

“I can't force you to believe what I'm saying. But tomorrow you can talk to my mother. You surely have an office with a room number, right Jimmy.” Mickey smiled coldly at him.

James was searching for his business card and reached it to Mickey “My phone number is on it too. Call me.. if your mother can't come or something like that. We can talk about anything.”

Mickey placed the card on the table and the plate with the griddlecakes right beside it.

“About what?” Mickey asked “About Mandy and me, how we go in the crapper without our mother?”

“No... I...” James stuttered.

“Oh of course you want to see the apartment.” Mickey said with poignant kindness “You wanna know, if we live in a total mess. You just want to be sure that no kids were forgotten here, like somewhere else, locked up, abused... The papers are full of this shit... The interesting fact is that in almost all that cases the mothers were there. Please.” Mickey nodded towards the hall “Take a look around. Look in all our cupboards and shit, Look for signs of neglect, Jimmy.”

“Mickey.” Ian said, but Mickey's glance made him close his mouth again.

James looked at Mickey and shook his head “I'm here to help.” his voice was still friendly “I'm just here to help you.” he wanted to lay his hand on Mickey's shoulder but Mickey took a step back.

“Take a look around.” Mickey said, it was almost a command.

“Okay fine.” James said and he went to the hall, Mickey, Mandy and Ian followed him.

“What are you doing..? Don't..” Ian whispered, but Mickey ignored him.

Jackson opened every door but just a little, he didn't want to take an actual look at the them. The situation was fucking awkward.

Mandy swung the door to her room open and said “That's my room, you can take a look at it, I bet you don't have a loft bed.”

There was something like a smile on Jame's lips.

“Mickey made it for me.” Mandy quickly added.

The smile on James's lips was sad.

'Maybe.' Ian thought 'he feels like me. Maybe it's the same sadness I felt. Maybe even James Lishman goes around his apartment and feels sad about how beautiful it is...'

He turned around and went slowly back to the front door.

'Now.' Ian thought 'Now James leaves and Mickey can stop looking threatening and I can ask him about the call from Natasha, and...'

At that moment Ian's phone went off, it was a stupid reflex to pull it out of his pocket and to take the call. A stupid reflex, he should have let it ring.

“Ian?” Frank asked “Where are you?”

He saw the look on Mickey's face, he didn't know what it meant.

“Why?” Ian asked.

“Guitar.” Frank only said. He didn't ask anything.

“Fucking shit!” Ian cursed.

“Stop swearing like a sailor and tell me where you are, I pick you up.” Frank said “We can make it in time.”

Mickey's glance was still on him.

“Yeah sorry. Nah I'm coming home. Right now. Can you bring me there? I know we'll be late, but can you?”

“Okay, come.” Frank said “I'm waiting.”

Ian put his phone back in his pocket and said “I totally forgot that I have a guitar lesson today. My teacher's waiting for me, the lessons starts in 15 minutes. I think.. I have to go...” He turned around to Mickey, stranded “I don't want to, I would...”

“When you have to go, you have to go.” Mickey said sharp.

James held the door open, why couldn't he just grab his damn folder and get the fuck out of the apartment, leave them alone, at least for just a moment?

'Get the fuck out!' Ian wanted to scream 'Are you blind, like the cat on board the green ship, don't you see that you're disturbing, don't you get it, don't you get any fucking thing?'

Ian reached his hand out for Mickey, but Mickey took a step back, like he did before, but Ian didn't want to go like that, he stepped up to Mickey, pressed a kiss on his lips, looked in his eyes and whispered "I'm sorry. I'm coming back, okay?"

Mickey slightly nodded and whispered back "Go and play your fucking guitar. We're fine."

For a short second Ian believed those words, but Ian could see the disapointment in Mickey's blue eyes. 

Mickey closed the door behind Ian and James, the last thing Ian saw was Mandy, she was waving at him with a little smile on her face.

Ian quietly went down the stairs behind James. His leaving felt like betrayal, and he saw, what Mickey was seeing: He spend half of the day with them, then he got a call lasting less than a minute and he left them.

A plate with griddlecakes was standing on the table in the apartment. Downstairs Miss Pattel peeked out of her door, Ian didn't say a thing to her, he just narrowed his eyes. Fucking bitch.

He stepped outside behind James, he needed to hurry up, he had no time to talk to him. He talked to him.

“You really want to help?” he asked “I mean … if you really want that … why don't you just forget that Natasha Milkovich disappeared?”

“Because that's no solution.” James sighed “You don't believe that she called either, right?”

“It's not important what I believe.” Ian said “It's important that these two stay together. Mandy and her brother.”

“I'll do my best.” James said “But I need to find some things out to do that.” He pulled out another business card from his jacket pocket and gave it to Ian “Maybe you can give me call, when you thought a little about all that. Maybe there are things you could explain to me.”

“That sounds like a line from a thriller.” Ian said and got on his bike.

James laughed and said “And tell your boyfriend that I don't get scared that easy. I deal with people who look more dangerous than him. That bar, where they shot Terry … the Alibi … I know the regulars there pretty well. Unfortunately.”

“Wait.” Ian said “You knew Terry?”

Jackson nodded “Yeah, he was gone for quite a while, but he came back and we had immediately problems with him. I can't say that I'm very sorry for his death.” For the first time his smile wasn't friendly, it was grimy. For the first time it seemed to be real. James shrugged and said “In the end he obviously fucked with the wrong people.”

“Or maybe with the right ones.” Ian shrugged and drove away.

 

The whole way home Ian thought about what Jackson said, if he should call him, if he should talk to him. If he could be useful.

If Mickey had money, he wouldn't have to work at night. If he wouldn't miss any classes, if he would have more time for Mandy, wouldn't everything be better?

 _'No.'_   Mickey said in his head ' _Mind your own fucking business. All of you. We don't need charity. Just leave us the fuck alone.'_

 

Frank was waiting in the car for Ian, the guitar and the scores on the backseat.

He was pretty late. He was absent. He played wrong notes. He fell asleep on the way home, his head leaned on his hand. He was dreaming about James Lishman, Jimmy.

In his dream Jimmy was sitting on a table in the 'The middle' and he played cards with Lip and Trevor. Total bullshit.  
Ian entered the bar and knew it was total bullshit. Behind the bar leaned Mr. Miller and watched the three playing cards.  
And in the middle of the room stood an open coffin. Ian saw that a bunch of flowers were in it, lots of little white wood anemones.  
It was like in an cheesy Italian mafia movie. There was music in that movie, music that came from the speakers and of course  
Ian knew who was singing that song, it definitely fit to a funeral...  
  
_And draw us near_  
_And bind us tight_  
_All your children here_  
_In their rags of light_  
_In our rags of light_  
_All dressed to kill_  
_And end this night_  
_If it be your will_

Mandy was standing in her pink jacket beside the coffin and she pressed Miss Layla close to her heart.

Ian stretched himself but he couldn't see who was lying in that coffin.

'Terry.' he thought. Or someone else? Wasn't that a female figure? In dreams everything was possible.

He looked around. When everyone was there, who played a role in that story – where was Mickey?

 

“We're here.” Frank said and laid his hand on Ian's shoulder, Ian startled a little and Frank repeated “Ian, we're home.”

Ian blinked. Frank didn't make a move to get out of the car.

“Don't you want to go inside.” Ian asked, he felt quite uncomfortable.

“No.” Frank said “Soon. First I would love to know a few things.” Frank didn't look at Ian, his glance was pinned at the garage door.

“Where you've been, for example. Where are you all the time? I give up to not asking questions. It doesn't lead anywhere.”

“What if I don't say anything now?”

“Ian. Your mother is worried about you.”

They were silent for a while. A long while.

Then Ian got out of the car. Frank could have locked the car from inside, forced Ian to answer, but that would have been ridiculous.

Ian felt Frank's glance when he unlocked the front door.

“I'll go straight to bed.” Ian murmured “It was too late yesterday. I think, I'm too tired to eat dinner.”  
  
When he laid in bed, he remembered that he had the History exam on Friday.

He wanted to spent that day with learning for that exam. Ian pulled out his notes from his backpack and took them with him to bed.

The letters faded in front of his eyes. Like wet tint, like the icy water of a winter sea, like the blue of an eye pair, that could be very very cold.

_"When you have to go, you have to go. Go and play your fucking guitar, we're fine."_

 

Ian gave up, he searched the number of Mr. Miller in his phone and called him. It was 8:30 pm, it wasn't too late to call his teacher.

“Hey it's Ian.” he said “Sorry for calling that late.. I just wanted... you have all the phone numbers of your students from German class right?”

“Yeah..” he answered. He sounded tired, as if he was sitting deeply in a chair, tired of his students. In the background played a song. Ian knew that melody...

“I need Mickey Milkovich's number.”

“Pardon me?”

“You got his number, right?”

“Yeah I got his number, but... wait I'll look for it... I need to go upstairs...” the music faded “Why don't you have his number? I mean usually you have the number of your boyfriend...”

“Jesus...” Ian said and rolled his eyes “Since today we're officially married, or what? I don't live in his fucking jacket pocket.”

“Ian.. why since today?”

“Since I stood beside him at the school yard. Since everyone's talking. Since that night when he almost beat up Trevor.” it felt fucking good to spit that all out.

“Did he?”

“Don't you listen what people are talking in school?”

“No.” Mr. Miller answered “I don't think so. I was just thinking that you two were... for quite a while... whatever. It's non of my business. I got his number, you got something to write?”

Ian wrote down Mickey's number and noticed that he was smiling.

“Fine.” Mr. Miller said “Ian... take care of that guy, okay? I'm worried.”

“Me too.” Ian said.

“If he's going on like that, he won't handle the graduation. And I think it's important that he graduates, isn't it?”

“Yeah.” Ian said “I think so. How well do you know him?”

“Not at all.” the teacher answered “He wanted me to get him a job, after 7 pm... Once I told him about a guy who worked at college, he did all the paperwork.. but Mickey's no student... I don't know sometimes I think he's dreaming... it's more important to study for his damn exams.”

“What are his grades in German?” Ian asked.

“I'm not allowed to tell you that... don't you talk about grades?”

“No.” Ian simply said.

The teacher sighed “I'm not worried about German, more about the other subjects. When he's not there, he can't get points, just as simple as that. In German … in German he has 15 points.”

Ian swallowed “He said he wants to write. In the future. Maybe books.”

“In the future.” the teacher said “But now he needs to focus on his damn exams.”

“Yeah.” Ian nodded, there was nothing more to say.

 

Ian took a deep breath and called Mickey, he wanted to say so many things.

'I didn't want to run away today.' he wanted to say 'It was awful timing.'

'Did Natalia really call?'

'What will happen when we meet each other in school, will you know me then?'

'What should I tell my parents? What was that whole thing with the guy from the SSO?'

'I dreamed about Jimmy and a coffin filled with white wood anemones...'

But actually, he thought, he didn't want to say anything at all. Maybe he just wanted to hear Mickey's voice and know that everything was alright.

The phone rang 57 times. Mickey didn't pick up.

Odd, not until Ian gave up and shut the light, not until he was lying silent and very alone under his blanket, he remembered the melody, which he heard in the background trough the teacher's phone. And also the words, which he knew from Monica's old records.

 _Yes you who must leave everything  
that you cannot control._  
_It begins with your family,  
but soon it comes around to your soul._  
_Well I've been where you're hanging,  
I think I can see how you're pinned:_  
_When you're not feeling holy,_  
your loneliness says that you've sinned.

“Sisters of mercy.” he whispered, half asleep already “Leonard Cohen.”

 

The question if Mickey would know him on Thursday was unnecessary. Mickey wasn't there.

Ian looked out of the window every five minutes and waited to see a dark figure at the bike rakes, his hands deeply buried in his pockets, the black woolen hat deep down in his face, white noise in his ears. But Nobody was out there.

A few people from Ian's grade also seemed to look for Mickey. 'Customers.' Ian thought, he almost smiled, he didn't smile.

Mickey said he would send Natasha to Jimmy's office that day.

Did she really come back? If yes, where had she been?

He tried another two times to call Mickey. At the third time MIckey's phone was dead.

“What's wrong?” Karen asked during lunch break “You look like you would throw up at any minute.”  
She laid her hands on Ian's shoulder and looked in his eyes “Honey, tell me what's wrong. You barely speak since yesterday. I say we'll skip classes this afternoon and drink coffee at the bakery over there and you spit all out, verbally I mean.”

Karen grabbed his arm and lead him towards the bakery. She was right it felt good to drink hot coffee, though it tasted like shit.

“Okay.” she began “Everyone's talking. Let them talk. Let them talk shit.”

“I was surprised that you weren't talking shit.” Ian said less spitefully, more like really amazed.

“Honey, you probably won't care but I'm quite happy at the moment without talking shit about other people. With Lip...it's fucking fantastic, you know. And after all I'm your best friend, remember?”

“Hmm.” Ian nodded.

“So.” Karen said quietly and leaned over the table “What happened?”

“He's gone.” Ian answered and he heard how miserable he sounded “Mickey's gone.”

“Are you guys together or not? Did you..?”

“That's not the point. It's not about who's dating who. Why don't you guys realize that? It's about something totally different. Mickey's gone.” Ian blurt out, suddenly he felt exhausted, so fucking exhausted.

“Bullshit.” Karen said matter-of-factly “Just because he didn't come to school today, doesn't mean he's gone. He has to be somewhere.”

“He didn't pick up his phone.” Ian sighed.

“Maybe he wants to be alone for a little while, to think or some shit like that.”

Ian took a deep breath before he spilled out “Karen. His mother disappeared and yesterday he said, she called, she would come back and now _he_ 's gone. And someone has...” - No, Terry is really non of Karen's business.

“One thing after the other, Ian.” Karen said “Does he have that little sister or not? Or is she gone too?”

Ian almost spilled his coffee. Of course. Mandy. Something happened to Mandy.

“Maybe.” he said quietly “Maybe that's what happened.” Ian stood up from his chair, put on his coat and pecked her cheek “Karen I'm sorry. We talk later about it. I gotta go.”

 

He pressed the doorbell three times, waited and pressed it another three times. No one opened the door.

Ian laid his hands on his face and took a deep breath and tried to think clearly. He realized that he did was Mickey used to do. And it helped. It really helped.

He knew what he would do. He put his hands back down, went down the stairs and pressed the door bell at Miss Pattel's door.

She opened the door, a kid on her hip, when she saw Ian, she put a pacifier in the kid's mouth.

“What a sweet kid.” Ian smiled though he didn't think that at all.

Miss Pattel nodded “I take care of him very well.” she eyed Ian up “And? Why are you here?”

“You know where Mandy and Mickey are?”

“They're gone.” she answered “I don't wonder about that, I always knew that it wouldn't end well with the Milkoviches. The girl, she's a pretty nice girl, but the boy, the older one, how's that, you go to school with him, right? I would keep my hands off that guy. Yeah but now they're gone.”

“What do you mean gone?” Ian asked with knitted eyebrows.

"The went away in the dead of the night." Miss Pattel and for a short second Ian was relieved where ever they went, they were together. No one else took Mandy away.

The kid spit out the pacifier and started screaming "He's hungry. You wanna come in?" Ian stepped in the apartment right after her, it looked like Mickey's and Mandy's but at the same time it looked so different.

That apartment was dead, it didn't breath. Maybe it was because there were no drawings on the wall. The apartment wasn't messy, but it was something like ... Ian was searching for the right word.

'Disinterest.' he thought.

That apartment was sadder than the one upstairs. It was so sad that Ian needed to take a deep breath. The SSO wouldn’t find anything to complain about the apartment, everything was like it has to be when they would show up.

In the back of the apartment the other two kids were arguing.

Miss Pattel found the bottle for the kid and put it in his mouth like the pacifier before. Then she lighted a cigarette and opened the window “The smoke’s not that good for the kids. That’s what they said. I do what they say, cause they pay for the kids, I take care pretty well of these kids.”

“I’m not from the SSO. I don’t care what you do. I wanna know where Mandy and Mickey went.” Ian shrugged.

“If you ask me, you’ll never see them again.” Miss Pattel meant “I saw them, both of them wearing a backpack, like they were going on vacation. That was in the morning, I would say around 6:30. I don’t know where they went, but I was already up, I always get up pretty early, cause of the kids. It’s a lot of work with three kids… You want kids? What do you want from life?”

“I want to find Mandy and Mickey.” Ian said, turned around and left the apartment.

But he couldn’t find them, there was no trace, Ian was no shamus. Who didn’t want to be found, wasn’t found.

 

At home he avoided Monica’s glance, murmured something about “Repeating stuff for History exam” and went to his room.

He knew that Frank was mad at him, because he didn’t want to explain anything to Monica.

Wouldn’t Monica be even more worried when Ian would explain all that shit to her?

The blue air in Ian’s house was as invisible and thin as ever, but Ian felt like he would drown in it.

He almost wished to be back at the gray, cold staircase of Amunden Street 18.

Ian took out the business card from James "Jimmy" Lishman and laid it on his table.

Was it no lie after all? Did Natasha really call? Were Mickey and Mandy there where Natasha was?

Or did Mickey run away with Mandy, because he knew that after all they would take her away from him?

When Jimmy knew that they ran away, he would call the police. Wherever they wanted to go, they needed a lead.

Ian couldn’t call that number in no way. He took his phone and dialed.

He needed to call. He needed to know if Jimmy knew anything. He thought about what he would say, he would stutter, his heart was pounding.

Someone took the call, but it was a woman, Ian never heard her name before.

“I want to talk to Jimmy, James Lishman.” Ian said.

“Sorry, that’s not possible at the moment.” the woman said.

“Should I call later or?” Ian asked “I can call later. He asked me to call him, so..”

“Mr. Lishman is not in his office today.” the woman said.

“When does he come back? Tomorrow?” Ian asked. Dammit. His plan didn’t work.

“I’m sorry I’m not allowed to tell you that.” the woman answered.

“Is he sick or something?” Ian said “You know, it’s very important, it has to do with one of his cases. Maybe there’s someone who deputize for Mr. Lishman?”

“I’m afraid but no sorry. He will take care of his cases, when he’s back. We hope he’s back tomorrow.”

“On his business card, there's a mobile phone number.“ Ian said “Would it be rude to call him on there?”

The woman at the other line sighed “You can try it. But you won’t have luck. We tried that already.”

“I don’t understand…”

“Me neither…” the woman said and gave up her secretiveness “Look Jimmy didn’t come to work today and he’s not picking up his phone. That’s why I assume he’s sick. Just be patient ‘til tomorrow, I think we’ll know more than.”

 

Ian dialed the mobile phone number, the woman without a name was right, he only heard the voice of the mailbox. Did the whole world decide to disappear?

Natasha, Mandy, Mickey, Jimmy? When everyone disappeared would he be the only remaining, he and the blue light and the birds in the garden?

 

The next day Ian woke up and immediately called Mickey’s number, but he didn’t pick up. Ian went to school without eating breakfast.

Mickey wasn’t there. Everyone was talking about History, year dates were flying through the air like some odd winter bees.

Ian walked up to Karen, but Karen said “Let’s talk later, honey, I need to repeat History.”

Nothing was less important than that exam.

The grey dog jumped on the black ship – did he jump out of Ian’s life? In his head a sentence run from the right to the left side, again and again.

_What if I never see him again? What if I never see him again? What if I never see him again? ..._

During the third class the paper with his name on it laid in front of him, he needed to pull himself together, he needed to write that goddamn exam.

Ian heard Mr. Miller's voice in his head _'Take care of that guy… when he continues like that, he won’t make it'_ …and in the background Cohen’s old voice.

The door to the room opened again - someone was late for the exam, almost too late to write it – Ian looked up and his eyes met pale blue eyes. It was Mickey.

 

Karen looked from Ian to Mickey. Of course he wasn’t gone.

Like she said, he just disappeared for a little and then showed back up.

Or was she wrong? Would someone like Milkovich be gone? Some day - forever?

She tried to catch Ian’s glance, but Ian didn’t look at her, in an odd way Ian was wide away, his mind was somewhere else.

Maybe he was so wide away that he wouldn’t be able to come back ever again.

Sometime Ian would realize that and then he would stand there in the nonentity and Karen wouldn't be able to reach him.

Jesus, she wasn’t a fucking messiah, it was not her duty to rescue anybody, but Ian was her best friend and she was worried as fuck about him.

But could you rescue somebody from theirself?

Ugh, fuck.

She asked herself if she was the only one, who was roaming the streets enough to know the truth about Milkovich. Did he know that she knew the truth?

Fuck it, she would keep her mouth shut, somehow everything will take its course.


	12. Jimmy

Ian's hands were clenched to fists, so he wouldn't jump up from his seat. He never had been that fucking happy to see someone before.

He cupped his chin with his hand, trying to hide the dumb smile on his face, he forced himself to look back down on his paper.

Ian heard that the history teacher said something to the other boy, when he looked up again Mickey walked past him and their eyes met for a short second.

Ian startled, the ice in his glance had changed, it seemed darker, like the ice over a lake, which depth you realize not until the wind blew the snow from it: an endless depth, bottomless and almost completely black.

Ian didn't know what was hiding in that dark depth, which thoughts and figures and he was afraid of them. And somehow it was like Ian could see how Mickey drowned inside. He shook his head to get rid of that crazy thoughts.

What happened? Where had he been?

Ian turned his head to look at Karen, but Karen just shrugged.

The teacher handed them the questions and Ian thought 'Concentrate, read that text, do your job.'

And he did. All the facts were saved in his head, dependably and safe, after all he still was Ian Gallagher, he was a good student and his brain was as solid as ever. His pen almost glided by itself along the paper, he hurried up.

He looked up when he finished half of the exam, Mr. Miller entered the room, his glance wandered over the crowd of students, he was searching for someone, when his eyes found that someone he nodded to himself and started to walk around between the tables.

Ian turned around and looked at the back of the room, Mickey sat there, he was holding his pen, he didn't write, Mickey was looking in Ian's eyes.

And Ian read his glance, that time it was easy to read. It wasn't about depth under the ice or what happened the day before. It was about the history exam.

“HELP ME.” Mickey's eyes screamed “HELP ME. I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING CLUE WHAT I SHOULD WRITE.”

Ian nodded hardly noticeable, he thought about Karen's stories. There was a classic solution.

Ian put his hand in his backpack and grabbed the first paper his fingers felt, he also took out a tissue and blew his nose. 'Needless caution.' he thought, the history teacher didn't look at him and if Mr. Miller was looking or not didn't even matter probably.

He let a pen glide in the pocket of his hoodie, stood up and walked up to the history teacher. The teacher took a look at the clock, wrote down his name and the time and nodded at him.

Ian's heart was racing, he went to the toilet. Seconds later he sat on a white toilet seat.

The paper he grabbed out of his pocket was not an actual paper it was 20 dollar note, but that didn't matter.

Ian wrote down keywords to the first task, his words were tiny, he wrote everything down that fit on that note.

He needed to hurry the fuck up, it already took too long, he put the note under the toilet tank, his knees were weak when he went back.

He tried to look like he was feeling sick, to explain his long absence. He felt sick.

He didn't know what would happen when that shit would went wrong.

 

Ian went back to the room, the history teacher wasn't there, Mr. Miller sat on his table.

He looked at him with raised eyebrows, Ian took a look at the clock, fuck he was on the toilet for thirteen fucking minutes.

Mr. Miller looked at Ian and said quietly “Mr. Mayer went to drink a coffee.” he looked at his watch and noted the time on the list “I hope my watch shows the right time.” he mumbled and Ian wanted to kiss him. On that list stood that he only was out there for five minutes.

Before he sat back down he took a quick look at Mickey. Seven minutes later Mickey stood up, maybe in the list stood a different time.

While Ian continued writing his own exam, he was thinking about Mickey, he imagined how Mickey memorized what he wrote down on that 20 dollar note a few minutes ago.

What would Mickey do with the dollar note? Would he flush it down the toilet?

Mickey came back shortly after the history teacher. He sat down without glancing at the other boy and Ian didn't dare to turn around to check if Mickey was writing.

 

After the exam Ian stood with Karen and the others outside on the schoolyard and he watched them smoking.

It had been a long time since the last time he stood there with them, but he didn't want to go to Mickey, he thought it would be too obvious.

They were talking about the exam and Ian noticed that Lip's hand was wrapped around Karen's waist.

Trevor showed up a few minutes later and asked “How was the exam?”

Ian looked at him, he didn't want to speak to him, he was still fucking pissed at him, for the shit show at the bar.

Ian just shrugged and looked back at Karen.

Karen cleared her throat before she said “You know, Ian feels a little sick.” She winked at Ian, he hoped that Trevor didn't see it and he didn't.

Trevor laid his hand on Ian's shoulder, and Ian wanted to push it away “Maybe you should go home.”

Ian slightly shook his head “It's okay, I guess it was just the stress.”

“Sometimes it helps to get blown from the wind.” Trevor said “Clears your mind and shit. Bodden is completely frozen. I was thinking about going there later... we could go there together. If you want.”

_'What the fuck Trevor? You really think I want to go there with you after all the shit you did?' Ian shouted in his head._

“Bodden's frozen?” Lizzy asked “You mean you can walk to Ludwigsburg already?”

Trevor nodded “I think. Been at the beach with my dog yesterday. He loves to run over the ice. It's nice to be alone at the beach, in winter, in dusk...”

“I thought your dog's dead. Thought you shot him.” Lizzy shivered a little.

“It's been a while ago. We got a new one. Things are replaceable, dogs, friends, humans. What do you think, Ian? You coming with me? I know that you're out there quite often.” Trevor said.

“Not today.” Ian said quickly “I think today it's too cold to be out there and I don't feel like ice and snow today.”

Ian thought about the black depth in Mickey's eyes.

Mickey stood at his regular place and Ian saw that he slightly shook his head 'Don't come over. Not now.'

And he was right.

“So now that you're done with your exams too.” Lip said “We could make sure that our haberdasher will earn some money. I mean he showed up anyways. Karen... what are we doing on Saturday night?”

“If you mean you and me, tomorrow evening we house sit, my mum's working the late shift and someone needs to take care that nobody's stealing that goddamn leather couch and I don't think I can do this all alone.” Karen lighted a new cigarette and added “We don't need Ukrainian haberdashery when we're house sitting.”

“No?” Lip asked and blew his hair out his face “What a shame.”

“I still have some shit at home.” Karen said “Leave Mickey alone.”

Lip whistled through his teeth “Lately the most astonishing people have first names. Look I just wanted to help to raise his income.”

Karen nodded “You're such a sweetheart, but sometimes some people don't wanna talk to other people. And now let's go back inside, we got another two boring classes in front of us.”

Ian caught Karen's glance and mouthed a silent "Thank you." Karen just nodded and smiled at him.

 

Back inside Ian ran into Mr. Miller and he said “Thank you.”

Mr. Miller raised his eyebrows and asked “Thanks for what?”

Ian quickly said “For...nothing.” He understood to better keep his mouth shut, he thought about the conversation they had on the phone and asked “You know Natasha Milkovich?”

“Who?” Mr. Miller asked.

“Mickey's mother.” Ian answered.

Mr. Miller stopped at the end of the stairs, let a few people pass by before he shook his head “She was never at one of my consultation hours, if you mean that.”

“That's not what I meant.” Ian said and looked him in the eyes “You know her? Maybe – from back then?”

“No.” Mr. Miller said and began to look for something in his bag, maybe he was searching for something he didn't lose in there. Maybe a memory.

Ian left Mr. Miller standing there, left him alone with his 'No' and asked himself what it meant.

 

After Ian's last class, someone was standing outside at the bike rack, but it wasn't Mickey – it was little figure who wore a pink jacket – it was Mandy.

Ian walked towards her, when she saw him she started running towards him. Mandy jumped in Ian's arms and he caught her, her pink jacket smelt like the wind and the sea.

“Mands.” Ian laughed “Where have you been? I was at your apartment … I tried to call you … what happened?”

“We made a trip.” Mandy answered, but she seemed to know that it wasn't normal to go on a trip on a school day. “Mickey said we need to go early, we took the bus and then the train. We went to Rügen. I didn't go to school. We were there at the beach, it was huge and full with snow... we also drank cocoa and we were wandering around, like really you know, with backpacks and we picnicked. Where's Mickey?”

“I'm here?” Mickey said behind Ian, he gently pushed him aside and laid his hand around Mandy's shoulder “What are you doing here?”

“Oh, school was out earlier.” Mandy explained “But I didn't want to wait there, my teacher is always asking questions, you know, Ian. I like her, but she asks questions just like Mr. Lishman. About mum and all. So I decided to come here, though it's a pretty wide way by foot.”

"I think today we're not going to the canteen." Mickey said "We made that trip yesterday, the train and everything was pretty expensive. We're going home and talk about the trip yesterday, okay?"

"Okay " Mandy said "But can we go somewhere else? It's not that nice anymore at home. I always think Mr. Lishman will come back and take me with him and all. I couldn't sleep last night, because I was thinking about it the whole time. I dreamed that he had a mesh, like the ones you use when you want to catch butterflies, but it was to catch me. It was a little like in our fairy tale."

Mickey kneed down and looked her in the eyes and said quietly "I promise he won't do that. We let him disappear in our fairy tale, okay?"

"You could come home with me." Ian said hesitantly "Mands looks pretty cold. We got a fire place to warm up. And I bet we'll find something for lunch.”

"No." Mickey said.

"My parents aren't home, they're coming back sometime at evening. You could..."

"No." Mickey said again.

"A fire place.” Mandy stunned and looked at Mickey "That would be so cozy. Outside the snow and inside the fire, like in the book we bought, I'm sure we can drink some cocoa too."

"No." Mickey said for the third time.

"That's not fair." Mandy shouted "Yesterday you wanted to go to Rügen and I came with you, we wandered though it was freezing, today I want to go to Ian and sit in front of his fire place. Why can't we do something I want to do?" She stumped her foot and looked at him, her eyes were filled with bellicosity, Ian almost barked out a laugh.

"You can go home if you want to and wait 'til Mr. Lishman comes back." Mandy folded her arms in front of her chest and added "I'm going with Ian."

Mickey laid both of his hands over his face, took a deep breath and looked at Ian.

The dark and disturbing depth in Mickey's eyes faded and he said "Okay." he exhaled loudly "Okay. Fine."

Ian didn't look around while they left the schoolyard, he knew the others were looking at them.

 

"You were right." Mickey said at the hall "The air is really blue in here. I didn't believe you."

He smiled. He didn't say a word the whole way to Ian's house, but now he smiled.

"Yeah." Ian said "Yesterday I almost drowned in it."

"Oh that's your living room, it's beautiful." Mandy said and took of her socks and walked with bare feet over the blue carpet.

Mandy walked up to the window and looked out of it "Oh the garden is full with birds. And there are two real roses blooming outside. Like in our fairy tale the birds came to look at the roses. Mickey they're so beautiful."

Ian looked at Mickey. Mickey was still smiling.

"It's different than your home..very different.. Is it bad?" Ian asked.

Mickey grabbed Ian's hand, pulled him closer and kissed him.

"Thanks for helping me with the exam and everything." he breathed on Ian's lips "I forgot everything, but your note helped me to remember."

Mickey grabbed in his pocket and pulled out the 20 dollar note.

"You crazy?" Ian whispered with wide eyes "I thought you flushed it. You kept it?"

Mickey shrugged "I didn't want to get rid of it. I think I keep it. It's the only..." he stopped "Mandy I don't know if you should jump on that couch."

"Keep going Mands." Ian smiled "I used to do that when I was a child too. I still do it sometimes. It's there for it."

"What about your parents?" Mickey asked.

"They jump on it every now and then." Ian grinned and kneed down in front of the fire place "I promised you a cozy fire, right? And lunch?"

"The logs look pretty delicious." Mickey said "But their still quite rare."

When the fire crackled in the fire place, Ian felt like all his worries from the last 24 hours burned in it. They were sitting in front of the fire place and everything was fine. 

He wanted to ask why Mickey went to Rügen yesterday, why he didn't pick up his phone, why he didn't tell him, but Ian didn't ask.

Ian went to the kitchen and warmed up a casserole Monica made the day before. Ian was whistling while he was searching for plates.

When Ian went back to the living room Mandy and Mickey were leaning over a book from Frank's shelf. The book was full with pictures of the dessert, it was a Christmas gift from Frank to Monica.

"I..We.." Mickey said and closed the book.

"It's okay." Ian smiled "It's a house, no museum. The dessert belongs to my mum. She loves desserts. When I'm leaving to London, after graduation, she wants to go to any dessert. She said for balance or something like that."

"Can I come with her?" Mandy asked quickly "I want to see such a dessert too. There are a lot of pictures of sand in that book. I bet it's pretty warm there. Maybe there's an island with a dessert in our story, Mickey? Why didn't we ever go to a dessert?"

"You need to take a plane to go to a dessert." Mickey said "You don't want to sit that long in a plane."

"Of course I want to. I've never been on a plane. Can we take a plane to go somewhere?"

"When we're finished with lunch we can fly upstairs and I can show you my room." Ian said "If you want you can play a little on my guitar."

 

The guitar was too big for Mandy, she laid down in Ian's hammock and looked at the ceiling. She said she wanted to move in there, but she would miss her loft bed.

Mandy was sitting on the floor and was reading one of Ian's books. Ian sat down on his bed and Mickey sat down beside him, they were watching Mandy and Mickey breathed "It's never gonna be like here - in our apartment."

Ian laid his hand around him, kissed him and breathed on his lips “It already is. You just need to take a closer look. Sometimes I’m feeling more comfortable at your home than at mine. I thought about that yesterday. Mickey what happened to the gray dog after he jumped on the black ship? Is he fine?”

Mickey brushed his hand through Ian’s red hair, thoughtfully, his hand wandered down to Ian’s cheek and gently caressed it.

There were so many parts of his body Mickey never touched before. Suddenly Ian was pretty warm. He bit down his bottom lip and took a deep breath, Mickey smiled at him.

“The dog…” Ian stuttered “he…”

Mandy looked up from the book on her knees and asked “You continuing the story?” She seemed to forget about all the books and all the hammocks in the world “Let’s go down to the fire place. You need to tell the story there, that’s the right place tell a fairy tale.”

 _“The gray dog wandered with cautious and quiet steps along the railing to the rear of the black ship…”_ Mickey began while Ian feed the fire in the fire place.

_“Then the little queen lost the sight of him._

_‘He should take care.’ the lighthouse keeper growled._

_‘Who are those people over there?’ the little queen asked, she was scared ‘On the black ship.’_

_‘I recognize a few of them. There’s the jewelry Dealer. He collects all jewelry he can find, he doesn’t lock them away, like the red hunter did. He deals with them, resells them, spreads them all over the world, over the seas … Then there are the haters. The haters are a couple and they hate everything that’s beautiful. And last there’s the big lady with the track suit … you know why she’s so big?’_

_‘No.’ the little queen shook her head, her eyes wide open._

_‘She eats diamonds.’ the lighthouse keeper said ‘The ones the Jewelry dealer brings her.’_

_‘She’ll eat my heart if she catches me.’ the little queen whispered._

_At that moment a wind gust brushed over the ocean, whipped the water to huge waves, the floes in the water clashed together._

_All of them fell down to the ground, the blind white cat complained that someone stepped on her tail._

_‘Sails down!’ the lighthouse keeper shouted ‘That’s a storm.’_

_The asking and answering one hugged each other tightly and shouted meaningless questions and answers in the wind._

_‘Where’s Natasha?’ ‘Maybe the lighthouse keeper?’ ‘Where did he come from?’ ‘He has a secret.’ 'Mandy's father.' ‘Who’s his father?’_

_The boy of roses helped the lighthouse keeper to pull down the white sails, all of them except for one._

_The black ship didn’t take his black sails down._

_Then they saw that in the middle of the storm a strange mechanism spurred – one of the black masts turned and on it hung a big black net. An arm swung out and the net was right above the little green ship._

_A deadly butterfly net – slowly dropping down to catch them._

_‘No!’ the little queen shouted and covered her face with her hands, but she peeked through her fingers._

_‘The airship’ the boy screamed ‘We can make it.’_

_The little queen took the hands off her face, her eyes were big and dark of fear ‘But the storm will blow us in the wrong direction.'_

_The net went deeper – than something unexpected happened. A scream resounded, a piercing, awful, drum head frazzling scream, which caused the sea to stand still for a second as if it was frozen._

_At the same time the net got up and the arm went back to the ship, the big knitting fell down on black sails. The black ship caught itself._

_It seemed like the ship fought with the net, the sea wasn’t still anymore, waves were pulling it from one side to the other – hawser ripped, sails fell down like wilted leaves. One buried the diamond eater under it and the other the haters._

_But where was the jewelry dealer?_

_The green ship went on with his white sails, right through the storm and the black ship was left behind, handcuffed like a big bug in a spider's web._

_'The gray dog!' the little queen shouted 'He's still on the black ship. He needs our help.'_

_She wanted to turn the yellow wheel, to turn the ship, but on her way to the wheel she stumbled over the white cat and fell down._

_The boy helped her to get up again. The storm calmed down, the last wave washed a body against the ship._

_'The jewelry dealer.' the boy whispered 'He's dead.'_

_'Like the red hunter.' the little queen said and wrapped her arms around the boy and cried._

_She felt a sting in her diamond heart 'Why do all of them need to die?' she snorted._

_When the water was calm again, they saw another body in the water, the body of a sea lion. The asking and the answering one grabbed the sea lion and pulled him on deck. When they pulled him on board the body became the gray dog._

_'My poor dog.' the little queen kneed down by his side. The dog breathed but he didn't open his eyes. 'What happened on the black ship?' the little queen asked._

_'Let him sleep.' the boy laid his hand on the little queen's shoulder 'He needs some rest.'_

_The boy carried the dog to the cabin and laid him down on the polar bear fur."_

  
Mandy fell asleep on the couch beside them, Mickey smiled at her and asked "When did she fell asleep?"

Ian looked with wide eyes at Mickey and swallowed hard before he said "Is Jimmy dead?"

"What the fuck, Ian? No I just wanted to cut him out of the story, because of Mandy. She was afraid that he would come and get her, so I 'killed him'." Mickey shook his head, Ian could see that Mickey was more than a little upset that Ian thought he killed Jimmy.

Ian stood up and walked to Monica's old record player and put on a record he found in Monica's Cohen collection. The music was playing quietly, so that Mandy wouldn't wake up. Ian walked back to the couch, sat down beside Mickey and laid his head on Mickey's shoulder.

 _Trav'ling lady, stay awhile_  
_Until the night is over._  
_I'm just a station on your way,_  
_I know I'm not your lover._  
_Well I lived with a child of snow_  
_When I was a soldier,_  
_And I fought every man for her_  
_Until the nights grew colder._

 _She used to wear her hair like you_  
_Except when she was sleeping,_  
_And then she'd weave it on a loom_  
_Of smoke and gold and breathing._

"What does it mean?" Ian asked "What does all of this mean?"

Mickey brushed his fingers through Ian's hair and whispered "It means everything." he whispered "And nothing."  
Mickey's fingers wandered down Ian's neck and lingered there.

 _And why are you so quiet now_  
_Standing there in the doorway?_  
_You chose your journey long before_  
_You came upon this highway._

 _Traveling lady stay awhile_  
_Until the night is over._  
_I'm just a station on your way,_  
_I know I'm not your lover._

"I was thinking about not coming back. I mean, never again." Mickey suddenly said "I wanted to go into hiding somewhere."

"It wasn't a journey. You ran away, from Jimmy. Natasha never called. Of course not."

"You sure?" Mickey raised his eyebrows.

"Did she call?"

Mickey slightly shook his head. And that was enough for Ian, at least for that moment, he didn't want to talk about Jimmy or Natasha or something else. He just wanted to be with Mickey, kiss him, touch him, feel him.

Ian leaned forward and kissed Mickey, Ian's hand wandered slowly under Mickey's shirt, Mickey put his hand on Ian's to stop it from moving any further "Ian.." Mickey whispered "I don't know.. I'm not sure if..."

Ian breathed against Mickey's lips "Isn't it enough that I'm sure?"

"But Mandy..."

Mickey gave in and kissed Ian again and Ian asked himself if it was possible to count every single kiss in ones life.

Ian tasted the sea, in which the sea lion floated unconscious, Ian tasted the picture of the black net and the picture of the black ship with its black sails... Ian ask himself if he would ever meet Mickey without Mandy.

 

Then they heard the front door open – and voices in the hall. Never had a kiss ended that quick. Ian opened his eyes and smiled at Mickey, Mickey wasn't smiling. He jumped up from the couch and Ian did the same just a little slower.

“Wait.” Ian said quietly “Don't run away. Please. They don't bite.”

“I shouldn't be here.” Mickey breathed.

“Of course.”

Mandy blinked, stretched herself, yawned and asked tiredly “What happened?”

“We gotta go.” Mickey said. He looked around, hounded, like he wanted to race out in the garden and jump over the fence to get the hell outta there.

He looked so lost in the big living room, in the blue air, lost in an ocean full with floes.

The living room door opened and Frank and Monica stepped in at the same time. First Monica looked a little surprised but then there was a soft smile on her face “Oh.” she wasn't smiling anymore she was laughing “That's the reason why.”

“What?” Ian raised his eyebrows.

“For your secretiveness.” Frank said, shook his head and laid his bag on a chair “It looks like that's the reason why. Like he's the reason why.”

Mickey didn't say a word, he looked from Monica to Frank and back, like an animal driven into a corner, his glance was flickering.

“That's Mickey.” Ian said “And his littler sister Mandy.”

“Hey Mandy.” Monica smiled at the little girl.

Frank stretched out his hand towards Mickey, and Mickey noticed with a minimal hesitation what Frank wanted and he shook his hand. He still hadn't said a word.

“Nice to meet you.” Frank said “You're going to school with Ian?”

Mickey just nodded.

“I think we need some coffee.” Frank stated and made his way to the kitchen “Y'all want some coffee?”

“Mandy doesn't want coffee, Frank. I think cocoa would be better.” Monica said.

“Cocoa sounds great.” Mandy smiled “Your house is so beautiful. And you have so many books. I laid in Ian's hammock...”

“Mandy, we gotta go home.” Mickey suddenly said.

“Why do we need to go?” Mandy asked “Is it already that late? We don't have any other plans, so we can...”

“Come on, let's go.” Mickey said and guided her towards the front door.

“Mick...” Ian pleaded.

“Thanks a lot for the coffee and stuff, but we need to go, I totally forgot that we already have other plans.” Mickey said while he put on his jacket. He helped Mandy in her pink jacket and pushed her out of the house before she could say anything.

Ian opened the door again and shouted “What the hell Mick? Come back you idiot.”

Mickey already put Mandy on the carrier “No. Try to understand, Ian. There are to many thorns on the isle of roses.”

“But 5 minutes ago there weren't any thorns.” Ian shouted desperately “5 minutes ago...”

“Just think about what happened at the bar.” Mickey said harsh “Come with me, they wouldn't mind if you celebrate with us, you said and then? What happened then? It will be the same with your parents, Ian.” Mickey shook his head and got on his bike.

“What is he talking about?” Mandy asked with knitted eyebrows.

“He doesn't even know himself.” Ian shouted, turned around, got back in the house and slammed the door shut behind him.

Ian took a deep breath to calm himself down.

Frank went to the hall from the kitchen and breathed “Jesus.” he put his mug on the dresser and grabbed out a tissue from his pocket and handed it to Ian.

“What should I do with that?” Ian asked.

“Maybe you could wipe away your tears.”

“Oh fuck.” Ian grabbed the tissue and wiped away his tears with it.

“Come to the living room, son.” Frank said and it sounded a little like a command “And drink a coffee or a schnapps, I don't mind. But now you have to tell us.”

“Okay.” Ian nodded.

 

Ian was talking to his parents 'til late in the night. He was a traitor. He knew he was a traitor. It was none of Frank's and Monica's business how Mickey and Mandy lived. But suddenly it felt like the dam finally broke and behind that dam was a flood of tears, a flood of stuttered, drowned words and half descriptions.

Monica made sandwiches, trying to stop Ian's tears. Frank decided wine would be better than schnapps and opened a bottle of red wine.

At the end he said “Ian.”

“Yes.”

“What can we do?” Frank looked at Ian, serious, it was an important question “Tell us what we can do. To help. I'm a critical, rational person and I don't know if I'm happy about all of this, but in love... probably you think I'm stupid for saying this but... in love there is no critic. In love there is no rationality. I would give you money if you need some. I could talk to people. Tell me what we can do.”

“I don't know.” Ian said honestly “If I would know, everything would be easy. He doesn't want money. He doesn't want anyone to barge in. On some days he doesn't even know me. And after today... I....”

“Please stop crying honey.” Monica gently rubbed Ian's back “Everything's going to be fine.”

 

On Saturday they found a body at Eldena, the body of a young man, buried in the sand under the snow.

In the leather jacket of the man, they found an ID with the name James Lishman on it. He was 30 years old.

His sweater and the lambskin liner of his jacket were stiff from the frozen blood.

"A shot in the neck." said the announcer.


	13. Three days of sunshine

“Ian?”

He blinked. The light, which shined through the window, broke on the lamp on the nightstand and made a rainbow on the floor. The old clock at the edge of the shelf was showing 3:50 pm.

He held his phone against his ear, he was half asleep, he fell asleep leaning over his books.

The radio made silent noises. He heard the news of Jimmy already eight times.

Since 7 am the news got more detailed, but not that much.

A jogger found Jimmy in the morning, rather his dog did and Ian immediately asked himself what color that dog was. Was it a gray dog with golden eyes? Of course not …

Later they said Jimmy already laid there buried in sand and snow for quite a while, probably a day or two. The body was totally frozen, an odd idea, and obviously it was impossible to freeze totally in only a few hours out there.

“Ian?”

Eight times he checked again, eight times he held his breath and eight times he exhaled relvieved 'cause eight times he came to the same conclusion: Mickey couldn’t be Jimmy’s murderer. His alibi for the whole day yesterday was himself. And the day before, on Tuesday, he was at Rügen with Mandy, if he told the truth. If…

“Ian, are you there?”

“Yes… yes I think I’m here.” he answered, but his voice sounded wide away “Sorry, I was with my head in the clouds… I think I fell asleep over my books. I spent the whole day working on a ridiculous study plan.”

‘No, that’s not true.’ He thought ‘I spent the whole day trying not to call you.’

Of course it was him at the other end of the line. Mickey.

“Ian.” he said for the fourth time, as if he had nothing else to say but his name, as if he wanted to get sure that he was real.

Ian stood up and wandered with the phone pressed to his ear to the window.

“Mick.” Ian said “This is the first time.”

Mickey stayed silent, sending a question mark through the line.

“You called me.” Ian breathed “Usually I’m the one chasing after you.”

“Did you tune in?” Mickey asked, without saying anything to Ian’s former sentence, the tone in his voice said it was no time for being fluttered.

“Yeah.” Ian answered “Your social security officer is dead. A wolf bit him to death and buried him in the sand at Eldena.”

“No.” Mickey said agonized “It wasn’t the wolf. The wolf wasn’t there. They were here Ian. The feds. They… went to everyone who had been a case of Jimmy. It seemed there are a lot of people out there who weren’t happy about him sticking his nose in their affairs… Tuesday. It looks like he already died on Tuesday, but they aren’t sure ‘cause of the cold.”

“You have an alibi for Tuesday.” Ian said “You were at Rügen.”

“Yeah an alibi.” Mickey meant “A beautiful one. A six year old girl. They’ll come back. They need a culprit. And I have a connection to Terry and Jimmy, everything fits together.”

“But it wasn’t you.”

“You think it was me?”

Ian stayed silent for a moment, then he said “But the bus driver, Mickey? Didn’t you take the bus to Rügen? And the conductor at the train? They're all older than six.”

“Fuck, I hope so.” Mickey laughed.

“Can’t you try to ask someone of them?”

“Yeah maybe I can try that. A lot of phone calls to make. Tomorrow. I’ll do that tomorrow. Tomorrow is Monday.” Mickey said.

‘And now he’s hanging up.' Ian thought ‘And I’m sitting here with my books and the fucking radio, the news of Jimmy’s death and myself.'

“Actually I called because…” Mickey cleared his throat before he went on and Ian heard Mandy in the background, she was saying something, she sounded impatient, it sounded like she wanted to have the phone “I called because we thought, we could drink a cocoa at the Café.” Mickey said “And we wanted to ask you if you got time.”

‘No.’ Ian thought 'I got no fucking time I got graduation in front of me and a talk with Monica behind me. Monica asked me if it was smart to have a relationship where one said a word and the other would immediately be there, and maybe she was right.’

“Give me the phone.” Mandy commanded and then her voice was filling Ian’s ear “Ian, listen, I got an idea. You need to bring your guitar, because Mickey told me the story from yesterday again 'cause I fell asleep. We tried the whole day yesterday to wake the sea lion, since the two policemen left he’s lying on deck and he doesn’t move. He’s still breathing, Mickey said, and who knows, maybe he’s dying, and I’m scared that this will happen. Maybe when you play your guitar, you can wake him up, don’t you think? In a fairy tale this could help, right? Can you please come and play the guitar? And we can cook Spaghetti for dinner and…”

“One after the other…” Ian smiled “Yeah I’m coming.”

 

“You done with studying for today?” Monica asked when Ian walked in the kitchen, she stood there wearing a blue skirting, she was cutting onions.

Ian nodded and hugged his mother “Maybe it’s gonna be late, I wish it’s gonna be late.”

Monica wiped away an onion-tear with her sleeve, smiled at him and said “Then it should gonna be late.”

“Wait.” Frank said, Ian was already half out the door “When you’re going there for dinner, you should bring something with you.”

He handed Ian a bottle of red wine, Ian shook his head, Frank put the bottle in Ian’s backpack and nodded “Talk to him. Maybe it’s easier with a bottle of red wine. Talk to him about my offer. Try.”

Ian hugged his father, because he thought a bottle of red wine would solve their problems, or maybe he didn’t. Ian got on his bike.

 

Somehow Ian thought it would be like the first time: Mandy and Mickey would sit on a table, a chair on their table would be free and he would walk up to them with a fluttering feeling in his stomach.

But of course nothing was like the first time. The café was filled and when Ian’s eyes found Mandy and Mickey this time he had no fluttering feeling in his stomach, but a nagging, disquieting kind of concern.

Ian knew why all those people were at that café, they wanted to be near that place, where it happened. All of those people heard the news on the radio, some of them came from the beach and Ian heard a few words “barrier tape” “Did you see where he laid?”

Others were on their way to the beach “Take a closer look” “Alone in the night.” “A shot in the neck.”

 

They went silent out the mole, there was no one else, there was no barrier tape.

“Why here?” Ian asked, it was the first thing someone said of them, even Mandy was silent the whole time “Here with all these people.”

“Because we always come here, of course.” Mandy said, but Mickey slowly shook his head.

“That’s not the only reason.” he said quietly “There’s something else. You probably think I’m stupid but I wanted to know who’s here. I think he’s here.”

“Who?” Ian asked a little cofused.

“The murderer.” Mickey answered and looked out at the sea “They will pin a murderer on me, Ian. And there’s just one way to convince them that it wasn’t me. A better way than talking to thousands of bus drivers and conductors. If I find out who it really was, if I find the true murderer… you understand? Then they have to believe me. Then they have to let me go.”

“But no one’s detaining you.” Ian said “Did they say that …”

Mickey shook his head and mumbled “Not yet.”

The sword above his head was back.

He was leaning on the handrail and looked down at the ice, there was a thin track leading through the snow, a track from swans and ducks.

Were there also tracks from the murderer out there in the snow?

“It’s someone who has something to do with me.” Mickey said “Why should someone shoot Terry and then Jimmy? Who’s next?”

Ian shivered “No one. Because before that can happen we’ll find out what’s happening here. I help you. I can keep my ears open. When you tell me where and when…”

Mickey turned around to Ian, his eyes were sparkling, sparkling blue ice “No. Don’t do this. I don’t want you to get involved in this shit. That whole thing is not a fuc… game. You need to focus on your history exam. I don’t want you to get hurt or anything.”

Ian rolled his eyes “Thanks. I turned only five last week.”

Mickey grabbed Ian’s hand and looked him deep in the eyes, as if he wanted to burn a hole into his retina “They're dead, Ian. Both of them are dead. Don’t you realize that?”

“I do.” Ian said and looked down to the ground.

“So if you two are done with fighting, we could try to wake up the sea lion. No one’s here, maybe it’ll only work when we’re alone.” Mandy said.

Ian looked at the little girl, her cheeks were rosy and she had a smile on her face, nothing about this girl remembered him about death.

Ian pushed the thought about Jimmy aside and took the guitar out of its bag “What should I play?”

“Anything.” Mandy said “Something beautiful.”

Mickey nodded, leaned against a green painted post and lighted a cigarette.

“ _The sea lion isn’t well, his wounds are deep and his sleep is even deeper. He was almost ready to give up when they pulled him out of the water…_ ”

Ian searched in his brain for a song, which he would play, he thought about all the songs he was able to play, the song he would play for his graduation, all melodies but nothing seemed to be good enough to wake a wounded sea lion in a fairy tale.

He closed his eyes and imagined to stand on a green ship. On the horizon he saw a black ship, it still hadn’t given up yet.

The little queen stood beside him. In front of them in the cabin laid the sea lion, but no he was a dog and beside him sat the blind white cat and she yawned.

Suddenly Ian knew what he needed to play, he laid his fingers on the strings and began to play, a melody, which lyrics you could read in the air, if you knew it:

 _There's a concert hall in Vienna_  
_Where your mouth had a thousand reviews_  
_There's a bar where the boys have stopped talking_  
_They've been sentenced to death by the blues_  
_Ah, but who is it climbs to your picture_  
_With a garland of freshly cut tears?_

Ian heard Mickey humming and he was sure that he also heard the words of the song, it was one of the songs from Monica’s old records and presumably from Natasha’s tapes – the old Canadian with his inscutable dark poetry.

 _Ah, but who is it climbs to your picture_  
With a garland of freshly cut tears?  
_Take this waltz, take this waltz  
_ _Take this waltz, it's been dying for years_

 

“ _The little queen kneed down to stroke the fur of the gray dog._ ” Mickey said

_“Right in this moment he blinked. He raised his head, looked with his golden eyes at her and wagged with his tail. He stood up and tiptoed slowly up on deck and jumped into the water. A few seconds later a sea lion was swimming beside the green ship again._

_The waves were getting lazier with time, the lighthouse keeper scratched his head with his glasses and said “Soon… soon the sea will be frozen. Then we're stuck, we won't get on. What should we do then?“_

Ian stopped his playing and looked out at the sea, Mickey was right soon, the sea will be completly frozen.

Mickey took Ian’s hand and guided him back to Utkiek, Mandy danced around beside them.

 

“ _’The sea isn’t frozen yet.’ the little queen said ‘What’s that out there? Is this another isle? Shouldn’t we dock there?’_

_‘No, my little queen. This is the isle of the murderer.' the lighthouse keeper said._

_‘I don’t believe that.’ the little queen shook Miss Layla’s head and added ‘Miss Layla doesn’t believe it either. I want to drive there and see who’s living there.’  
_

_The lighthouse keeper sighed and drove the ship to the isle._

_The isle was pretty small, smaller than any other isle the visited before. On the isle stood a sign with ‘Isle of the murderer’ written on it._

_‘Oh.’ the little queen said ‘Who’s writing signs like this? Stop! I want to go ashore.’_

_‘Ashore?’ the lighthouse keeper, the boy of roses shouted at the same time._

_Just the answering one mumbled something about ‘Seven times a day.’_

_‘You can’t go on an isle where a murderer lives.’ the boy said._

_‘Of course.’ the little queen ‘A queen with a diamond heart can go on every isle. Maybe the murderer doesn’t want to be a murderer anymore, maybe he wants to become the opposite of a murderer, a savior maybe. In that case he needs someone, who says he can change.’ With that she climbed over the railing and jumped down on the isle._

_‘Wait’ the boy shouted and also the lighthouse keeper, the asking one and the answering one came with her._

_Only the white cat stayed behind on the ship and the sea lion was nowhere to be seen. They started to wander around the little isle, it wasn’t only the smallest, but also the bleakest isle. There was no tree, no bush, no house._

_But the murderer who lived there .. – where was the murderer? Did he lay somewhere on the ground, did he lurke somewhere? Was he hiding somewhere between the lines? Could you only see him when you read the description of this isle backwards?_

_‘He’s here somewhere.’ the little queen whispered ‘He’s near. I can fell his glance, but he doesn’t want to speak with us. How should I help him to become someone else than a murderer when he’s hiding?’_

_‘Let’s go.’ the lighthouse keeper said ‘We should leave the isle before one of us get’s killed.’_

_‘No.’ the boy said ‘No, I think the murderer already left the isle, he isn’t here anymore. He left this isle a quite while ago.’_

_‘But where is he?’ the little queen asked, she was a little scared._

_‘Maybe … maybe he’s on board already?’_

_‘Where – on board?’ the asking one said._

_‘On the 13 th of march.’ said the answering one, but that didn’t fit, like always._

_‘On the black ship, maybe.’ the little queen said instead ‘He changed, we don’t recognize him.’_

_Everyone was looking at each other, the lighthouse keeper looked at the boy of roses, the boy of roses looked at the asking one, the asking one looked at the answering one. The asking one looked back at the ship, where the white cat was sleeping._

_When the green ship continued its journey suspicion joined their drive like an additional passenger. Maybe one of them was the murderer, somone everyone on board trusted._

_One, who only murdered because he was born on an isle called the isle of the murderer._

_The waves were getting thicker and thicker, they already had trouble to get on 'cause of the suspicion. They would never get to the onshore.”_

Mickey went silent, Ian swallowed hard, they were standing in front of Utkiek, but that wasn’t the reason why Mickey stopped talking, it was because of a figure, which came towards them along the haven. The figure had one hand buried deep in his pocket and he was scratching his beard with his glasses.

“Mr. Miller.” Mickey said quietly, Ian nodded “Let’s go inside.”

“Why? Don’t you want to ran into him?”

“I wanna see what he’s doing.” Mickey answered “Where he goes and how he’s behaving. Just… because. Come.”

“Does the story continue inside and is there cocoa and can I have a piece of cake?” Mandy wanted to know and raced up the stairs without waiting for an answer.

She was a queen. Of course there was cocoa and cake.

 

They were lucky to find a table, there was a couple who was about to leave. The boy helped the girl in her jacket and put on his own, he wrapped a gray scarf around his neck and brushed his slightly curled hair out of his face, of course it needed to be Lip and Karen.

Mickey rolled his eyes “Today everybody seems to be here, huh?”

It was an awkward situation, Karen looked from Ian to Mickey, before she decided to act like it was the most normal to meet them there together, she placed a little kiss on Ian’s cheek and said “Hey honey, you can have our table.” She smiled at him and Ian mirrored her smile.

“Did you hear about that guy they found on the beach? It’s pretty scary that the jogger only found him this morning and he laid there for already one or two days. The police is everywhere, they’re driving up and down our neighborhood. Lip wanted to come here, he wanted to look for any tracks, detective Lip.” she pressed herself against Lip and laughed.

Lip tried to pull her away with him “Come on Karen, we wanted to…”

“In the forest you can also find tracks.” Karen winked “Deep in the forest, I guess sometime I need to learn that tracking thing and maybe sometime I even learn to shoot. The perches where you sit for that are pretty comfortable…”

“Wait..” Ian said “That sounds a little more like Trevor not Lip. Do you hunt as well?”

Lip rolled his eyes, but he really managed to do that very charmingly “Come on Karen.” he repeated.

“Didn’t you know that Lip's family has a patch at Hanshagen?” Mickey looked at Ian.

“No.” Ian shook his head and watched Lip who guided Karen out of the café.

Karen with her sterile washable mother didn’t fit in Lip’s family, just like Mickey didn’t fit in Ian’s.

Ian imagined Karen on the hunt, the deer would probably laugh about her clumsiness. She would sneak up to the deer, her phone would went off and the deer would jump away and maybe it would laugh about her.

“Why are you laughing?” Mickey looked at Ian with raised eyebrows.

“Was just thinking about something.” Ian shook his head.

“I ordered 3 cocoas and pieces of cake.” Mandy said “I’m just saying it because you didn’t notice. And look, it’s already spring in here.”

She was right at the tables in the café there were tulips.

“Yeah it’s already spring in here.” Mickey nodded “Sometimes I ask myself if it’s never going to be spring outside. Winter seems like forever.”

They watched Mr. Miller wandering out the mole, he was standing there, looking out at the sea, looking at something Ian and Mickey couldn’t see. It looked like he was listening to an old melody, then he pulled something out of his pocket, opera glasses.

”Didn’t you say this man is the lighthouse keeper?” Mandy asked and pointed with her finger at Mr. Miller “He’s looking for the ship, for the black ship. He’s looking for the last person who’s standing on it with Miss Pattel, uncle Rico and aunt Molly. I think these three aren’t dangerous, uncle Rico doesn’t want me anyways. He just has to take me because we’re related.”

Mandy kept talking about the ship and social things, but Ian didn’t listen, he was watching Mr. Miller. He turned around the opera glasses still over his eyes, he wasn’t looking out at the sea anymore, he was looking at the beach of Eldena. Then he looked towards the café. Maybe he could see them. Who else could he see? And which opera did play there?

 

Someone with a big gray dog was walking by outside the café, Ian laid his hand on Mickey’s arm and nodded towards that someone. He stopped at the beginning of the mole, looked out at the sea and turned around to walk back again, with one hand he slit his bike.

“Trevor.” Ian said.

Mickey nodded. Did he see them? He saw Mr. Miller, who was still standing out there at the mole, that was for sure – he saw Mr. Miller and Mr. Miller saw him.

“Did the sea stay doughy?” Mandy asked “Or did it became fluider again? Did they find out who the murderer was?”

Mickey took a sip of his cocoa, laid his hands in front of his face and took a deep breath.

 

“ _The sea._ ” He said after he put away his hands from his face.

 

_“The sea was still green and doughy. It was getting worse, it seemed to get doughier and doughier. Eventually it was still, the waves didn’t move anymore. The ship stopped. Suddenly there was a noise of cracking ice and the sea lion appeared on the green shining surface of the ocean._

_‘The see.’ he shouted ‘The sea is frozen.’_

_'How are we supposed to reach the onshore now?' the little queen asked._  
  
_'By foot.' the boy answered 'We gotta go by foot.'_  
  
_Everyone climbed over the railing, one after the other, the asking and the answering one, the lighthouse keeper, the boy of roses, the little queen, Miss Layla and last the blind white cat._  
  
_They took a few steps towards where they thought the onshore was but then they stopped, unsteady - a picture of misery in the green shining infinity._

_'What if we get lost in this infinite, icy winter?' the little queen asked 'If we lose each other, where do we find each other again?'_

_'There where spring begins.' said the boy of roses._

_Then they started to wander, they turned around for the last time to take a look at their green ship with the yellow wheel. The lighthouse keeper put out his opera glasses, which he totally forgot that he had them in his pocket, and looked through them._

_'Now I'm seeing it.' he shouted 'I see the name of the ship! It's painted at the bottom of the bow, we just didn't notice it yet.'_

_He reached his opera glasses to the little queen and she looked through them, she could also see the name of the ship, it was written in blue letters._

_'What's its name?' the asking one said._

_'Thanks a lot.' said the answering one._

_'Its name is HOPE.' the little queen said._

_'Our ship is called hope and now we're leaving it behind.' the boy whispered._

 

Mickey took a sip of his cocoa and leaned back.

“That's it?” Mandy asked.

“Yeah that's it for today. 'Til next time the he group has to wander a little over the green ice.”

“Out there they're walking over the ice, like in our story.” Mandy marveled “I want to do that too. There's even a woman with a buggy. Isn't that a little dangerous? Why isn't she taking the bridge?”

At that moment the women seemed to realize that she should better turn around and go back to the shore, two kids were running around her.

“I think it's about time to get home.” Mickey said “Does anybody need to use the toilett before?”

Mandy nodded, jumped up and went to the toilett.

“Miss Pattel.” Mickey “I don't think Mandy recognized her, but I'm pretty sure that was Miss Pattel on the ice.”

“Now everyone was here, everyone who's involved in the story.” Ian said.

“No.” Mickey answered, he pulled something out of his jacket and laid it on the table. An accounts current. Ian's eyes were looking through the lines, the sums were dismal, not much more than a child would spent as allowance. Just at the end there was an bigger sum, 100 dollars, withdrawn at Eldena.

“That wasn't me.” Mickey said “It was her. Now she's really withdrawing our money.”

“Natasha.” Ian whispered.

Mickey nodded “She's the only one who can withdraw money from that account beside me. I think about blocking her. But I think I can't do that cause I'm not 18 yet, only she can do that. But it means she didn't go anywhere to start a new life.” Mickey's glance wandered over the people at Utkiek out to the frozen sea “She's near. I just don't know where yet.”

 

When they climbed the stairs to Mandy's and Mickey's apartment, Miss Pattel wasn't peeking out of her door, but Ian could feel her standing behind the closed door and listening.

Mickey cooked Spaghetti. At that evening Ian thought Monica was right, everything was going to be fine, that it already was fine.

Mickey was standing in the kitchen and was humming an old melody, Mandy was lying on the living room floor and was drawing something on a big piece of paper for school, a what-I-did-last-weekend drawing, and Ian was cutting tomatoes.

The what-I-did-last-weekend showed a guitar which seemed to be stuck in a cake, a red tulip and a striped barrier tape. Then 2 figures, one of them seemed to be Mickey and the other Ian, they only had different hair colors. And there was a green square with an yellow circle in it, at the bottom of the square Mandy wrote HOP. In the middle of the drawing was something with four legs, it looked like a dog.

Ian and Mickey kissed in the kitchen – the sauce boiled over and dripped on the hotplate. Ian laughed and cleaned up the mess – how fine everything was.

“How can I be that happy?” Ian asked “When out there is a murderer on the loose?”

“Stay happy.” Mickey smiled and drew a circle with tomato sauce on Ian's cheek “Maybe it's contagious.”

They ate the spaghetti at the small living room table and Mickey didn't say a thing when Mandy decided that it was better to eat them with her fingers.

“There is one thing we need to do before you go to bed. Remember what we wanted to do today?” Mickey asked his little sister.

“Getting a haircut.” Mandy said and sighed a little.

“Yeah exactly today it's time to cut our hair. You don't want to look like a stray cat, right? You don't want your teacher to ask 'Oh my god, who's that wild kid.'”

“She would never say that.” Mandy giggled “She only says she wants to talk to mum.”

“Soon.” Mickey said “Soon, Mandy.”

 

Ian watched Mickey combing Mandy's black hair “It's black, black like ebony.” Ian saw Mickey's fingers brushing gently through Mandy's hair and he imagined Mickey's fingers in his hair and other places.

'Today.' he thought 'Today everything's fine and maybe I'm not going home tonight. Will Mickey leave when Mandy's in bed? Does he need to meet someone in the city? Or does he have time today? And does he want what I want?'

“Can you keep still?” Mickey said with played seriousness “You know the scissors are pretty sharp. They're so sharp you can slit someone's throat.”

Mandy didn't want to hold still anymore, she started to shift around in the chair “Stop! You're tickling me. I think you cut enough of my hair.”

Mandy turned half around to grab Mickey's hand and then it happened, Mickey slipped off with the scissors.

Mickey let out a sharp scream and Mandy did as well, the scissors flied through the air and landed on the living room floor. There was blood on Mickey's fingers.

“Shit, Mandy.” Mickey hissed “What you doing?”

“You cut my throat.” Mandy screamed.

Mickey found a tissue and pressed it on the spot were the blood was coming from. It was a tiny scratch in her neck, nothing bad, Mickey pulled Mandy in a tight hug and apologized.

Ian needed to sit down, his knees were week, that all looked like a sign, the blood in the neck of a human – blood like the blood of a gunshot wound – and Ian thought about Terry and Jimmy in his ice cold grave under the sand.

“I'm sorry Mandy.” Mickey repeated over and over again, while he gently brushed Mandy's hair, Mandy sniffed and freed herself from Mickey's arms.

“Does it still bleed?” Ian asked.

“No, the hugging helped.” Mickey nodded.

“Can I have a bear band-aid?” Mandy asked.

Mickey carried her to the bathroom to take care of her wound and suddenly Ian thought 'Someday Mandy is going to be grown up. Someday Mickey couldn't hold on her anymore, she will leave him and he will be left behind. Maybe taking care of Mandy was more an anchor than a burden. A lifeboat.'

Ian shook his head to get rid of this thoughts, he heard Mandy and Mickey laughing in the bathroom. The accident with the scissors was already forgotten and everything was fine again. Mandy came back to the living to say good night, she was proudly wearing the green bear band-aid. When the door to her room finally closed, Mickey let his body fall on the couch.

Ian put out Frank's wine from his backpack and said “To get over the fright.”

Mickey read the label and whistled.

“My dad wanted to get rid of it.” Ian explained.

Mickey slightly shook his head and went to the kitchen, he came back with a corkscrew and two water glasses “Seems like we don't have wine glasses.”

“We can also drink the wine with a straw out of the bottle.” Ian smiled “But now I could really use a sip of it.”

Ian placed his feet on the couch and hold on his glass.

“Bad luck seems to haunt us, doesn't it?” Mickey stated “Since Natasha left it seems like one bad luck happens after the other. You can run as fast as you can but the bad luck will always be faster.”

Mickey looked at something he placed on the kitchen table before, he took it in his hands and Ian asked “Electric clippers?”

“Yeah time to get a haircut. Let's have a look what bad luck happens when I turn that thing on.” Mickey said.

“Back to the short hair?” Ian asked.

Mickey nodded, Ian stood up and grabbed the electric clippers out of his hands “When I promise not to cut your throat and continue to drink the wine later would you let me cut your hair with the scissors? I don't want you to look like someone you don't are.”

“Where's the hoodie anyway?”

Ian grabbed it out from his backpack and grinned “Monica washed it. I noticed when it already hung on the line.”

Mickey shook his head “Beware yourself from trying to make me to someone I don't am.”

Mickey handed Ian the scissors, Ian stepped behind him, and brushed through his hair like Mickey did before with Mandy. Mickey's hair was as black as Mandy's.

“Frank asked me to give you a message.” Ian said, and it was good that Mickey needed to hold still, so he needed to listen “My dad, you know. We talked about some things, not about everything. Not about Terry. But about your missing mother … and that money doesn't grow on trees. I know you don't want charity … Hold still, I'm dangerous! He said he wants to make you an offer. He would borrow you the money you need to live and to go to college and then when you have a job you can pay it back. You could give it back, piece by piece, no matter how long that would take. You could concentrate on graduation and on Mandy. It would be a loan without interests...”

Mickey didn't say a thing. Somewhere outside in the distance were cars driving by. Ian heard his own breath, he could hear his heart pounding. Eventually he laid the scissors and the comb on the table and smiled “Done.”

“Thanks.” Mickey mirrored his smile, he went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, Ian stood behind him and said “Not too short.”

Mickey turned around and said “You could think about becoming a hairdresser. Ian the offer from your dad.. I don't think.. I don't know him..”

“Me neither, I just know that he loves to watch the birds in our garden and he loves my mother. That's all.”

“More than I'll ever know about my father.” Mickey said “I don't even know his name. College.. I told you we only have one account, that isn't true we have another one... it's exactly for that … for education... I don't only work for paying bills and food... I also work for that account.. It's just … I want things to be different for Mandy than they were for me... That's the most important …. I know there isn't enough money on it, not even close... Just let me think about the offer from your dad, okay? I need time to think about it.”

“Of course.” Ian nodded and laid his arms around Mickey's waist, he placed a kiss on his lips and asked “Do you need to go anywhere tonight?”

Mickey looked down on Ian's hands and smiled “No. I just wanted to go back to the shore. One say that they always come back, don't they?”

“Who?”

“Murderers. They always return to the scene. Now, at night, when no one is at the beach... maybe we meet someone there. Maybe not, maybe it's bullshit. Probably it's bullshit.”

“It is.” Ian said “But I'm coming with you. And you know who's coming with us? The wine. When we don't meet the murderer we can sit on the beach and drink some wine. I feel like doing something stupid.”

 

It was windy and cold at the beach. Ian wore one of Mickey's hoddies under his coat again, that time it was a blue one.  
  
They walked beside each other, Mickey's hands were deeply burried in his green military parka, he seemed deep in thoughts, Ian didn't dare to touch him.  
  
They stopped at the striped barrier tape. It looked like a grave, an empty grave. How long would the tape be there? Why was it still there? The snow already covered the tracks.  
  
Ian's thoughts wandered to the murderer. Was it someone they knew? Someone they trusted?  
  
Suddenly the question, which was deeply burried somewhere in his brain, came to his mind. Was Mickey the murderer?  
  
"At night." he said aloud "I think it happened at night. I mean otherwise someone would've seen anything, right?"  
  
Mickey nodded "I guess. It's pretty lot of work to burry a body in the sand. Someone would've seen anything."  
  
Ian looked along the beach, there was someone standing at the beach house of the surfer club, he narrowed his eyes, there was no one.  
  
But what if someone was hiding there? With a gun?

The isle of the murderer was empty. The murderer was out there and he was near, Ian could feel his glance on him.  
  
"Ian?" Mickey whispered "What are you thinking?"

Ian didn't say anything so Mickey went on "I ask myself if he had kids. Odd that I ask myself that question only now."  
  
"They didn't mention anything in the news."  
  
"Or a wife. A girlfriend. A boyfriend. Anything. I ask myself who's crying." Mickey slightly shook his head "Let's go. Nobody's here. It was a stupid idea to come here."  
  
Ian grabbed Mickey's hand and they wandered along the beach "Sometimes i can't differ between beauty and dreariness. Isn't that strange? Sometimes I don't know if I'm happy or sad. When I think about you I feel that way."

They sat down on a little land and they looked out at the frozen sea, Ian opened the wine bottle. They sat very close beside each other, the wine warmed them a little from inside.  
  
Ian thought that maybe he was drinking too much red wine. And maybe it didn't matter.  
  
"When the graduation is done I'm going to write. Not only fairy tales for Mandy. About the beauty and the dreariness. About the cold in that night.  You can find words for everything. I want to sit on a desk, which is so big you can sleep on it and I want to see the ocean. In the future there probably could be that desk. It will be that big so Mandy can sit on it and watch me writing. Or she can draw a picture of my words."  
  
"And me?" Ian asked "Is there room for me on that desk?"  
  
"You have your own place in this world, Ian." Mickey said "You'll go away and forget us. Don't you want to go to England? You don't need us. You have the music and... everything... there's no room for us."  
  
"Bullshit." Ian said "I don't even know of i want to go to England. Maybe I'll stay. Furnish a drawer in your desk, so I can stay somewhere when it's raining."  
  
Ian took the last sip of the wine and placed the bottle on the ground, he leaned forward and kissed Mickey, his hand slowly wandered down to Mickey's belt.  
  
Suddenly Mickey jumped up and said "It's late, time to go back home."  
  
Ian knitted his eyebrows and stood slowly up, Mickey took Ian's hand and intertwined their fingers.

 

They walked by the beach house of the surfer club when Ian whispered "The door, it's open. Is there someone at night?"  
  
"I don't know." Mickey shrugged.  
  
"Let's go in there." Ian smiled "Let's have a look if there's a green boat with a yellow wheel."  
  
"I don't think that's a good idea." Mickey shook his head.  
  
"Come on Mick, let's do something stupid." Ian pleaded and he pulled Mickey towards the door and giggled.  
  
"You're drunk Ian." Mickey statted.  
  
Ian turned his head and smiled "So what? But it's fucking dark in here. I can't see shit. Maybe we should put on some light."  
  
"No, are you crazy? When you turn on the fucking light everyone knows that we're here. I don't want to get in trouble." Mickey hissed "When you want to see anything I can put on the flashlight on my phone."  
  
Mickey lighted the way, suddenly he put the light out and stopped his movement.

"Someone's in here." Ian whispered as silent as possible, he was nervous as fuck, his heart was bounding like crazy in his chest.  
  
"I don't know." Mickey whispered. Something fell to the ground and Ian pressed himself against Mickey like a little child, like Mandy.

Mickey put on his flashlight again and laughed a little, he sounded relieved "It was just a cat."  
  
"Jesus fuck." Ian chuckled, his body was pressed against Mickey's. Ian could feel Mickey's heart bounding, Ian slowly opened Mickey's jacket.

Maybe this was the only chance he would get, Ian wished it would be summer, at least a little warmer.  
  
Ian helped Mickey out of his jacket, kissed him, his hands wandered under Mickey's shirt. Ian's hands laid for a moment on Mickey's heart, Mickey's heart was racing. Ian kissed from Mickey's jaw down to his throat.  
  
Ian wanted it to happen now, maybe it was because of the wine, but he needed it to do it tonight, tonight he was a different Ian Gallagher and he was a braver version of himself.  
  
Their kiss was hungry, Ian's hands wandered down to Mickey's belt, he unbuckled it, Ian's coat fell to the floor, Ian grabbed Mickey's hand and placed it under his shirt and suddenly their kiss ended. Mickey whispered Ian's name.  
  
"Ian please." he whispered "Please don't do this.. this won't end well.. your just a boy who wants to experience an adventure.. this won't end well."  
  
"Of course this will end well." Ian breathed on Mickey's lips. He pulled the hoodie and his shirt over his head, it was easier than he thought, one movement and he was naked from the waist upwards. Ian wasn't cold, he never been that warm before.  
  
'Jesus. I'm really drunk.' Ian thought.  
  
Somewhere in his mind a voice screamed 'What are you doing?' 'Stop.' But Ian didn't want to listen to that voice.  
  
Ian noticed that Mickey forced himself to look away, Ian smiled at him and said "Don't worry, I guess you have a little more experience than I have."  
  
"No." Mickey said, his voice sounded desperate, Ian noticed it but he decided to ignore it. Mickey was still looking away "Stop, Ian. I don't..."  
  
Ian didn't listen he just felt that Mickey's body was responding to his touches, Ian leaned forward to kiss Mickey again, to convince him that it was okay that he wanted that too.  
  
"This... I don't associate tenderness with it ... just violence .. don't force me to do this.. please.."  
  
Ian didn't force him. Did he force him? Ian's hand wandered down Mickey's boxers and grabbed Mickey's erection, his hand slowly began to move up and down.  
  
Mickey let out a deep groan, he shoved Ian agressivly away and yelled "Fuck, stop." He quickly put his pants back up and grabbed his jacket from the ground.  
  
Ian looked at Mickey with wide eyes "What the fuck, Mick?" He stepped forward and shoved him back "Are you afraid or what?" He stepped up to him, he was standing right in front of Mickey and asked "What's your fucking problem?"

Mickey's eyes were dark and cold "Ian...."

Ian wanted to push him again, maybe he needed to push the answer out of him. Ian was fucking sick of all that, he wanted to be with Mickey, he wanted all of him, even his dark side.  
  
Ian could feel his breath, heavy and fast. Ian looked in Mickey's eyes, his glance was challenging, he raised his eyebrows and said "What is your fucking problem, Mick?"  
  
Mickey looked away from Ian, he pinned his eyes to the floor "I'm sorry..it's.. I.." his voice sounded so lost and so fucking small.  
  
Ian raised his hands, getting ready to shove Mickey for one last time "Come on spit it out. Why can't you do this? What's the problem? Fucking tell me. Thought there are words for everything but you're stuttering like a goddman faggot."  
  
_'Jesus.' Ian's eyes widened 'Why the fuck did I just say that?' He was shocked about his aggressevity, he was really drunk, fucking hell._  
  
The other boy grabbed Ian's raised hands, his grip was tight. Ian tried to free his hands, he teared and pulled so heavy that it caused both of them to fall to the ground.  
  
They were writhing on the ground, both trying to punch the other boy and avoiding the others boy's fist in their face.  
  
Ian managed to get the upper hand, he was sitting on Mickey's lap, he threw the first punch, he hit Mickey's eye. Mickey groaned, and before Ian could get away Mickey's fist hit his cheek. A short but massive pain shot threw his body.

Ian was overwhelmed by that pain, that he let go of Mickey, the other boy managed to get Ian off of him and stood up. Mickey was wheezing like an animal, he spit to the ground and breathed "You happy now? I told you to fucking stop." He grabbed his jacket and left the beach house with quick steps. 

 

Ian spit out the blood in his mouth and rubbed his jaw, it hurt like a motherfucker. He wanted to scream after Mickey but he couldn't find his voice.  
  
'What the fuck just happened?' Ian's mind was racing 'Did I do something wrong?'  
  
Ian put on his clothes again and sat down on the floor, he didn't know for how long he sat there before he went back to his bike and drove home.  
  
Back home he grabbed some frozen peas from the freezer and laid down in his bed.

Then finally the tears came, they were running down his face and Ian felt like he would never be able to stop.  
  
'Silly little boy you wanted to experience an adventure, there you have your fucking adventure.'

 

  
He lost him!  
Shit he lost him. He knew that he was there at the beach with him. He saw them but they didn't see him. And now he didn't know where to find him. He would go back home, sneaking past the bedroom of his parents, clandestine. Something he did pretty often lately. The dog wouldn't reveal him, the dog was sleeping, he took care of it.

He lost him.  
Somewhere between the stockrooms and the beach house, he was too prudent to get not detected. The snow made the nights too light.  
  
He went back to the beach, he looked out at the distance and could see the barrier tape waving in the wind.

He realized that he was shivering, he didn't want to think about the body of the man they found there. He didn't want to think about the blood running out of the wound, the blood red snow.

He asked himself what James Lishman's last thoughts were. Maybe even James Lishman did love someone.

He stood out there on the ice, he wandered out there, it wasn't important when he would be back home. They wouldn't notice and if they did he could tell them he had been out partying with his friends, looking guilty and hungover.

Partying with his friends? He didn't have any friends.  
  
Not even he wanted to be his friend. Not even Ian. After all he had done for him.  
  
He took off his gloves and grabbed some snow from the ground. The snow was ice cold. Sometimes he thought it would feel good to just lay down in the snow and stay there, forever.


	14. Snow

Ian was staring in the mirror, his jaw and cheek were slightly swollen and the skin there was already blue and purple, his lip was chapped. He took of his shirt, there were also a few little bruises and scratches.  
  
When he came home the night before he was afraid Monica would be sitting in the living room waiting for him to come home. She would have seen the dried blood on his nose and lip and Ian knew she would've panicked and Ian would've cried in her arms.

Somehow he wished she would have been there. But she wasn't waiting for him.  
  
Ian didn't sleep that night, he laid still in his bed, staring at the ceiling and waiting til the morning came. His mind was circling around what happened a few hours ago.  
  
When Ian went down the stairs and walked in the kitchen, Monica's eyes widened, she almost let go of the mug in her right hand, she took a deep breath and asked "What happened to your face, darling?"

She stepped up to him and gently brushed over Ian's cheek "Your dad should take a look at this."  
  
"It isn't that bad, mom, I just got punched in the face." Ian rolled his eyes and stepped away from his mother.  
  
Frank glanced up from the paper and raised his eyebrows "What happened, son? You got in fight?"  
  
"Mickey and I went out to the city yesterday. I guess I drank a little bit too much of your red wine and I got a little too coltish. I said something wrong to a guy and we got in a fight. That guy doesn't look much better than I do." Ian lied, grabbed a mug from the kitchen cabinet and filled it up with coffee.

  
On the floor in front of the mail slot laid a plain white envelope with Ian's name on it. Mickey's handwriting. Ian didn't open it, he immediately threw it in the trash, he didn't want to read his words. He needed time to think about what happened the night before.  
  
He got on his bike and drove to school like everyday. But he couldn't go there, he couldn't sit vìs-a-vìs to Mickey, he couldn't look into his pale blue eyes.  
  
He drove to the city, set his bike down and wandered aimlessly around. He came to that bridge where he used to stand with Karen in summer, where they used to watch the river while eating an ice cream.

The river was frozen as well and Ian said to himself "Maybe it'll help to talk about it so I can understand what happened."

Ian looked around to be sure he was still alone "I'm scared. I'm scared again. I need to get the questions and answers together. The first question is: Who is Mickey Milkovich?"

A swan walked on the ice, a dirty white swan and Ian thought that swans weren't beautiful, not at all.  
  
"Mickey lost his temper yesterday... maybe it happened before and not only in such a situation... maybe it got even worse.. maybe it got worse on a beach, in the snow...  
A murderer returns to the scene.. maybe he returned yesterday. What if the murderer was by my side? The wolf in the story killed his victims with a bite in the neck, from behind without looking in their face. When he would've looked in their face maybe he would've felt pity and he knew that. The wolf knows himself very well."  
  
The wolf knew himself very well and he warned him. It was his fault, it was his own fault that it ended like that. Was it?  
  
Ian heard Karen's voice in his head _'You can't be with someone like Milkovich.'_ and he heard Trevor's voice in his head _'Fighting is your thing, huh?'_  
  
"I should've listened to him. I should've stopped."  
  
_'Fuck Ian. You thought he was just shy. You thought he didn't dare. You thought that, I would've too... And now stop that shit .. it wasn't your fault.. you couldn't have known that he would lose his shit.'_  
  
“But I threw the first punch. I should've stopped, he warned me.” Ian slightly shook his head he tried to get rid of Karen's voice in his head.  
  
Ian's mind was a total mess, his thoughts were circling around Mickey and Mandy's relationship.. and suddenly he said to himself "What if Mickey isn't interested in having sex with me... because... maybe Mickey loves Mandy a little too much.."  
  
Ian swallowed hard, the air became 2 degrees colder "Maybe that's the reason he didn't want anyone to get close to Mandy. What if Jimmy had the same suspicion and that's why he needed to die?"  
  
Ian thought about her pink jacket with the fake-fur collar, her black braids, Mickey's fingers in her hair. About the loft bed. Mickey always tells stories while we're lying on my bed, or something like that.

Mandy in her innocent way, Mandy who didn't know what was right and what was wrong yet. Was Mickey what he accused Terry to be?  
  
"I need to do something." he said to himself quietly "I need to find out the truth. I need to speak to someone. The police maybe, with the one who investigates Jimmy's case."  
  
When Ian left the bridge he thought about Mickey running across the schoolyard and churning Mandy around and he felt Mickey's hug in the class room between all the paper.

He couldn't talk to anyone. Least of all with the police.

He couldn't do that, cause he loved Mickey. He fucking loved him with every fiber of his goddamn body. Probably he would never stop loving him.  
  
When Ian was back home he called his guitar teacher and quit the lesson for that week without mentioning any reason. Ian felt like he lost the contact to his guitar, when it laid in his arms it felt so different, it almost felt wrong. Ian stowed the guitar in his dresser and the blue hoodie with it.  
  
Ian went down to the living room and sat down at the piano. It had been a long time since he played on it, in the past he used to play a lot on it. The piano felt safer, a place of retreat, which Mickey and Mandy hadn't touched with their presence.  
  
Ian practiced the pieces he needed to on the keys. Of course he couldn't hide the guitar in the dresser from himself forever.  
  
Ian watched Frank feeding the birds in the garden, he watched Monica cutting some vegetables. He watched to scenes from outside, he felt like he was looking at a painting.

 

On Tuesday there laid another envelope in the hall. White as snow, white noise, with his name on it. Ian wasn't ready to read Mickey's words, he threw it in the trash.

Ian went to school, four hour meeting with Music course, Ian didn't tell them that he didn't touch his guitar anymore.  
  
Ian saw Mickey walking past the school yard, he looked up, maybe he knew behind which window Ian sat, Ian looked away. He heard Karen's voice in his head again.  
  
' _Don't you think about the shit with the fault again, honey.'_  
  
Ian thought he wouldn't manage to go to the student's room during the first break, because he was afraid Mickey would be there, but Lizzy dragged him there.

And he was there, he sat on the sill in the back corner with a black, slightly swollen eye.

He turned his head towards Ian and startled when he saw what he did, he was staring at Ian for a few seconds, before he quickly took his glance off of him. He couldn't run away, he sat there caught in the corner.  
  
Ian couldn't get the hell out of there without Lizzy asking what the fuck was going on.  
Ian managed to stay, though everyone was staring at him and whispering.

He managed to drink a shitty coffee with Lizzy and tell her how it happened that his face looked the way it did. He told her the same story, he told his parents.  
  
During lunch break Mickey stood at his regular place, Ian watched him from the window. The black hat was deep in his face, his hands in his pockets, earphones on.  
  
He wasn't Mickey anymore, he was Milkovich again, the Ukrainian haberdasher, no one knew what he wanted at that school and people like Ian were a little afraid of him.

Ian asked himself it things would stay that way. If it was like before, if he could pretend he never knew Mickey and Mickey would pretend he never knew Ian.  
  
No. Nothing was like before. Terry was dead. Jimmy was dead. At the beach house tripped nightly blood on the ground.

And a little girl in a pink jacket and with braids wandered somewhere on the ice in a fairy tale story.  
  
They were talking about a snow storm on the radio.

 

"Hey, honey." Karen said, she stood in the door, this time she was really there. Of course Karen didn't say any of those things Ian imagined. "Fuck Ian, what happened to your face?"

"Nothing." Ian shrugged and Karen rolled her eyes.  
  
"Nothing, huh?" Karen gently stroke over Ian's cheek and jaw "What happened?"  
  
For one second Ian thought about telling her the truth but he didn't, he raised his eyebrows and asked "What should've happened?"  
  
"Honey, we're not blind or stupid. Mickey and you, you aren't talking to each other. He has a black eye and your face ... I mean... We're just worried about you."  
  
"We?" Ian asked, but Karen didn't answer, she grabbed a cigarette out of her bag, she lighted it and said "If you don't let me in, you have to live with the fact that the whole smoke drags into your house. But you won't get rid of me that quick. It went wrong, didn't it? With Mickey? Spectacular wrong."  
  
"What if?" Ian asked.  
  
Karen breathed out the smoke "What do you know about him?"  
  
Ian narrowed his eyes "What do you mean - what do I know about him?"

“I meant it the way I said it: What do you know about Mickey?” Karen said.

“Maybe.” Ian said “the question is what do _you_ know about Mickey Milkovich? Is there something you wanna tell me? Is that the reason you came by?”

Karen smoked her cigarette for a little while in silence before she said “No.”

After a few more seconds she added “Sometimes I think about the barrier band at the beach. It suddenly comes to my mind...”

“Okay?” Ian said “You know what suddenly comes to my mind? Lip for example and Trevor. The one boasting about his ability to shoot and the other trying not to talk about it. Trevor was at the beach two days before James Lishman's death. He said it himself. And where Lip was, I think you know that better than I do. Or maybe not?”

Karen looked at him, perplex “What have Lip and Trevor to do with it?”

“That's...” Ian said “...what I'm asking myself too.” Ian closed the door, let Karen standing out there.

 

On Wednesday a third white envelope laid in the hall. Ian grabbed it from the floor, it burned like fire in his hands. He would threw it away like the other two. He would threw it away. He opened the envelope.

The handwriting on the letter in it was scrawly and tiny...

_Ian. Do you read this? I'm not gonna stop. Writing you. I don't have anything, but words. I'm the storyteller. I want to explain it to you. But I can't. Not now. Later. Later maybe._

_The words I need to explain this are sharp edged and hurting, worse than rose thorns. There's a reason why I did, what I did. I know I hurt you, not only physically but also mentally, I know it'll take time 'til you can forgive me what I've done. Or probably you don't want to forgive me at all. We lost each other, and probably we'll never find each other again._

_Boy of roses, the sea is cold and...._

Ian put the letter back in the envelope and ripped it in tiny little pieces. The icy wind took the pieces with it, the pieces looked like snow.

Tears burned in his eyes. _Probably we'll never find each other again. 'Y_ eah probably not.' Ian thought 'Probably.'

I can't reach out for you anymore. It'll take time to think about all of this.

 

On that day the situation in school was more uncomfortable than it already was before. Ian forced himself to go to German class, and it seemed that Mickey did the same.

He was even punctual, he already sat there when Ian entered the class room.

Who had the stupid idea to put the tables in an U-form at the beginning of the school year?

Mickey sat right in front of Ian, they looked everywhere but not at each other.

Between them laid three meters of footsteps running away, pain, blood. Between them laid two dead bodies.

For a short second Ian looked at Mickey, he took of his hoodie, Ian saw a long scar on his upper arm, a long broad line.

Ian looked away but his glance wandered back to the scar, it was no line, it was a sequence of a few little circles. It looked like burnings a cigarette would leave behind.

Mickey noticed Ian's look and covered the scar with his hand, Ian quickly looked back down on the table.

 

After two way too long German lessons Ian waited in the class room, Mickey was the first who left the room. Ian walked up to Mr. Miller and sighed “I need to talk to someone.”

Mr. Miller didn't say anything, he just nodded, put out a thermos jug and poured tea in a mug and placed it in front of Ian.

“Let's assume something happened.” Ian began “Something between me and Mickey. Something I don't wanna talk about.”

Ian felt his cheeks heating up, he didn't want to tell his teacher that he wanted to fuck with the other boy and they got into a fight because of that “Let's assume it was my fault, indirectly. Even Karen thinks it's bullshit. Maybe it's bullshit. Let's assume it's not my fault.”

“Let's assume that.” Mr. Miller nodded.

“I don't know what to think anymore. You know about the two murders...Terry... he was the father of Mickey's little sister. Mickey hated him. He was afraid he would hurt her or something. I think Terry was known to have a preference for little girls. I don't know if it's true, but Mickey was sure about that. They locked someone up for murdering Terry, someone who owned the right gun and knew Terry, but I don't know if they locked up the right person. Then there was James Lishman, on the beach, you heard about that on the radio. He was the social officer who stood a short time before he died at Mickey's and Mandy's door. Mickey's isn't 18 yet, but you know that and theoretically Mandy needs to live with some relatives, they're mother's gone, or with a foster family, but she doesn't want to... their mother, who you don't know....” Ian looked up.

Mr. Miller shook his head “No, Ian. I don't know her.”

'But where did she get those old cassette's from Cohen?' Ian thought.

How many people are listening to something like that? Ian knew three: Natasha, Monica … and Mr. Miller.

“Natasha's gone.” Ian went on “Since a couple of weeks. She's somewhere around here. She withdrew money from their account at Eldena.”

Mr. Miller looked in his mug, as if he could find Natasha Milkovich in there when he would stare long enough. As if he knew exactly what the woman looked like he was searching for.

“There's this fairy tale. Mickey tells his sister this story. Sometimes in that story appear people who are real, you know. Sometimes I recognize them too late, Terry for example I recognized him too late. He also died in the story. The bad guys need to die. But who decides that they're bad? I... I'm scared. I'm scared that another one will be found dead buried under the snow. Another one with a shot in the neck.”

“But you don't go to the police?”

Ian didn't say “No.. I … I love him.” It would have sounded so pathetic.

Mr. Miller stood up and went to the window, the mug in his hand “There are so many options. Infinite options. I'm no detective. But maybe there are more options than the one's you see.”

Ian looked up “Yeah?”

“Option one is the easiest one.” Mr. Miller said “Mickey Milkovich killed those two guys. The first one because he hated him and the second one... why did he kill the second one? Does it make sense to kill a social officer? When you kill one of them the next one will come.” Mr. Miller laughed “It's like a computer game.”

“And the second option?”

“Option two: Someone else killed them. And here we got two options as well. Someone killed them to help Mickey. Or someone killed them and wants to blame Mickey. But that sounds a little too much like a black and white mafia movie.”

“Is there another option?”

“Sure. Dozens. For example why do we think it was the same person who killed them? Because of the shot in the neck. By the way a pretty ugly way to kill someone. You don't need to look into the person's eyes. The Nazis used to do thinks like that.”

Ian took a deep breath “You think … it were two different murderers?”

“It's possible, isn't it? The second one copied the method of the first one.”

“You're a detective Mr. Miller.” Ian said and smiled. He stood and walked up to him to the window.

Mr. Miller smiled “A bad one. I teach you guys literature but every now and then I read some whodunits. Assume that Mickey shot that Terry... He had a reason to do that, if it is like you said.”

“And someone else shot James the same way, to make it look like Mickey did it?”

“For example. Or... or it is totally different. Maybe someone out there is acting totally irrational. Someone who thinks to help Mickey with shooting a social officer. Someone who wants to protect Mickey and Mandy, but doesn't get anything. A person, who's at an end herself and thinks to help from ambush. A person who probably hated Terry too for something he did... who boozed away her wit and charm a long time ago...”

Ian pressed his nose against the cold window. Down at the bike rakes stood a dark figure, hand buried in his pockets, the black hat deep down in his face.

“Someone who acts totally irrational?” Ian repeated and looked at Mr. Miller “Who?”

“Natasha?” Mr. Miller shrugged.

That thought was new and odd and Mr. Miller shook his head immediately.

“Of course these are just speculations.” He went back to his table and added “Like I said, I don't know Mickey's mother. But if you want … I can try to find some things out. It would be a game, a little distraction from all the literature.”

“A pretty dangerous game.” Ian said.

“Better I play than you.” Mr. Miller said, he laid his hand on Ian's arm and said “I'm not only worried about you, Ian. There's someone down there at the bike rake who's suffering. Yeah I know that sounds a lot like Werther, sorry, it's awful – I don't know what happened between you two. I don't know, if it can be forgiven. Probably it can. The most difficult is to forgive oneself.”

“And that sounds like Laotse.” Ian said “Thousand and one calendar quotes.”

Mr. Miller grabbed his bag and went to the door he looked at Ian and said “Take care of you. I don't know if tomorrow someone will come to school, they say a snowstorm is about to come.”

“I think...” Ian said “...before the storm comes, I'm driving out to Ludwigsburg. Maybe it helps to think about calendar quotes out there.”

 

Snow storm? A thaw set in.

 _The most difficult is to..._ bullshit.

Mickey didn't stand by the bike rake anymore. It seemed like he went away with the snow. Ian got on his bike, but he didn't drive home. The wind was getting warmer, a warm thaw wind, it lead Ian out of the city, lead him to Ludwigsburg.

 

In summer it was full out there, the beach was longer and wilder than the one at Eldena. Ian left his bike at a café and wandered down to the beach.

You could walk from the bay over to Wieck, their Café was vis-a-vis. That day no one else was out there.

He wandered along the beach, the wind in his back, his hands buried in his pockets, his hat deep in his face. Just like him, he thought, all he needed were earphones full with white noise. But he didn't need them, the wind brought the white noise, he was right in the middle of it.

He walked 'til the beach ended, but he didn't want to go home already, so he sat down on the bench, which was there. He looked out at the ice, he came here to think, but suddenly his head felt so fucking empty.

Ian closed his eyes, there was another, last option: Neither Mickey nor Natasha had something to do with the killings and Mickey only loves Mandy as his sister or maybe like a father, nothing more.

 _'The most difficult is it to forgive oneself.'_ Ian heard Mr. Miller saying.

 _'You didn't know that he would lose his shit.'_ Karen whispered.

 _'I don't know if it can be forgiven. Probably it can.'_ Mr. Miller said.

But there were words from a third voice, Mickey's voice: _Probably you won't forgive me and I don't ask you to. Boy of roses, the sea is cold._

“You asked me to stop and I didn't hear... I love you... I threw the first fucking punch... Can you forgive me?” Ian whispered out at the sea.

Suddenly Ian realized that it was getting colder, pretty cold. The wind was icy, on the sky there was a white wall coming nearer. He couldn't feel his fingers anymore though he wore gloves.

For how long did he already sat there? For how long was he listening to the voices in his head?

He thought it had been only minutes, but he wasn't quite sure about that at all.

He stood up, he needed to go back, back to his bike, back home, back to the warmth.

 

As soon he started to walk the snow storm began, of course it was no real snow storm, there weren't real snow storms in Germany but it felt pretty real.

The wind whipped the snow in his face. It felt like he didn't get any further. The snow got through Ian's shoes, between his hat and scarf. Ian cursed without words, it was freezing.

The way back to the Café seemed endless, a walk that extended to a hike, it felt like he was swimming against a current.

Ian asked himself if it was even snow which the wind whipped in his face, or if it were tiny white pieces of a letter.

Suddenly Ian realized that he wasn't only fighting the snow storm out there he was also fighting himself, could he forgive Mickey for beating him? And would he forgive himself for beating Mickey?

Ian saw a dark figure in the corner of his eyes in between all that snow, someone was following him.

He turned around, but there was no one. He just imagined that figure.

He was fighting his way back to his bike, he was fighting the snow and the wind, he saw that figure again, he turned around for another time, but no one was there.

Ian knew when he would turn around that figure would be there again.

Suddenly he was scared – panic fear was crawling up his stomach.

He was scared of the storm which was too strong for him, scared of the dark figure who was following him, scared of the cold and the darkness, which would come soon, scared to be alone out there.

Did he just imagine those dark figure?

Ian stopped, panting, freezing, shivering. He could almost feel the metal in his neck, the metal of a gun, pressed against his neck, though it was just his wet scarf.

_'I'm scared that another one will be found dead buried under the snow.'_

But he never thought that someone could be him. Ian forced himself to continue his way back to his bike.

But he hadn't got any further, he was looking back way too often, but the dark figure disappeared as soon as he turned around.

Ian thought about Monica's dump fear for her only son. Suddenly her fear seemed so useful.

Don't worry I'm home in time, I won't get beaten up or some shit like that. Don't worry I won't get shot out there. Don't worry. Don't worry. Don't fucking worry.

Ian felt that the person who was following him came nearer. For a second he thought about giving up, to just fall down in the snow and wait 'til the person would come.

“Mickey.” he whispered “If it's you, hurry up. Come here. Fucking end it. I can't do this anymore.”

But Ian knew it wasn't Mickey, it was someone else. He didn't know why he knew it, but he did.

He realized how much he wanted Mickey to be there, if Mickey would be there he wouldn't be that scared, not even scared of dying.

“I'm going to die.” he whispered, almost silently, while he stumbled forward “I'm going to die and I know what will happen then. They'll blame him. They'll think it was him, who killed me. Someone will take care that they'll believe that. It all makes sense. But who...?”

Who knew that he drove out to Ludwigsburg? Actually only Mr. Miller. Ian was freezing even more, though that wasn't even possible.

What if he had spoken to the wrong person about all that shit? The isle of the murderer was empty. He was among them...

What about the glasses, the lighthouse keeper said he forgot them on the ship? The little queen went back, to find them, and she ran right into the arms of the red hunter.

And why did the lighthouse keeper say they should put down the sails in the storm? Of course, it sounded reasonable, but it made the ship of the little queen slower, the black ship was able to catch up.

But wasn't that just a story?

 

Ian finally reached his bike, he tried to unlock it, but with no luck, he tried it for like hundred times, but eventually he unlocked it, he could slit it but he couldn't ride it.

For one second he thought the bike was his rescue, but it was useless.

At the parking lot were standing 3 cars, Ian didn't remember if they already stood there when he came there. All of them were half snowed up.

Maybe they were already there, maybe their owners where on a crazy hike just like he was, or maybe they left the cars here weeks ago.

Ian slit his bike along the street, the way back home was a few kilometers long, it would take hours to get back home, no one could help him, a kilometer long grave.

What should he do when the dark figure would come and get him?

Could he defense himself with the bike?

Let it fall and run?

Bullshit, where should he run?

Ian didn't let go of his bike.

He didn't turn around for another time, he knew someone was there, if he would turn around or not. Maybe it was a pleasure to hunt him, to scare the shit out of him, maybe it was a pleasure when Ian turned around and was nervously looking around, maybe his chaser laughed about him.

It started to get dark, there was the sound of a car, it came nearer. That must be him, he thought, the one who followed me. When the car stopped beside him, he realized that tears were streaming down his face.

Ian let the bike fall in the snow, he let himself fall down in the snow.

Someone jumped out of the car, grabbed his arm and pulled him up to his feet.

“Jesus, are you fucking crazy?” Trevor screamed “What are you doing out here?”

 

Five minutes later Ian sat beside Trevor in the car, tears were still rolling down his cheeks, he couldn't stop. Trevor packed his bike in the trunk, where it shared its room with Trevor's gray dog. The heater blew luke-warm air in Ian's face.

“It's getting warmer soon.” Trevor smiled at him.

Ian asked himself if Trevor didn't have the heater on before he came along here, but he forget that thought, he was too busy wiping away his tears.

“I was searching for you.” Trevor said “I just needed to find a place to turn, you know?”

“To turn?” Ian asked.

“Of course. I drove by 5 minutes ago, don't you tell me, you didn't see me. I turned the headlights on full beam, to let you know that I'm here.”

“I walked with my head down.” Ian said “I didn't see you. You were searching for me? How did you know?”

Trevor stopped the car, though he risked that the car would get stuck in the snow.

Trevor leaned over and pulled Ian in a tight hug. Ian didn't fight the hug, he just let it happen.

Trevor smelt different than Mickey. He smelt like snow and peppermint and dog. He was warm and vivid. He was there. He was searching for him.

“Karen saw you driving out there.” Trevor said “She told me. She said when you drive that direction you would probably drive to Ludwigsburg, she knows you.. I waited for a while, but then I thought it would be better to look where you are.”

“Yeah.” Ian sighed “that was a good idea. Trev... I .. I had the feeling someone was...” he stopped.

“You're ice cold, Ian.” he said and turned the heater a little more up “Why did you drive out here? Didn't you hear the weather report? Or did you just simply lose your mind? I don't even know if we're able to bring back the car in one piece. The streets are totally chaotic.”

“Yes.” he said again “Yes.”

Ian held on Trevor, on his vivid warmth, he didn't want to drive anywhere, he just wanted to sit in that car and held on someone. No matter who that someone was.

 

Sometime Trevor let go of Ian and started the car again.

On the backseat the gray dog panted, Ian turned around. The dog had golden eyes, really. Odd.

Trevor drove slowly, the car slipped on the snowy street. Trevor cursed and between that cursing he asked "What happened? Between Milkovich and you?"  
  
Ian swallowed hard before he pressed out "Nothing."  
  
"Ian, something did happen. I mean look at your face. And it's the reason why you drove out there though you knew about the snow storm. Was it him, your face, I mean?"  
  
Ian swallowed. ' _I want to explain it to you. But I can't. Not now. Later. Later maybe. The words i need to explain this are sharp edged and hurting...'_  
  
"No." Ian answered.  
  
"When he was the one who did that." Trevor said "I'll kill him."  
  
"Trev, please look at the street or else you're killing us."  
  
Ian heard that sentence before, Mickey said those words about Mandy and Terry: ' _When he touches her, I'll kill him.'_  
  
"Shit. I don't see anything." Trevor cursed, the car began to slip even more.  
  
"How can you drive at that shitty weather?"  
  
"I can't, I need to. You would have frozen to death out there."

The car in front of them spun out and Trevor cursed, this time louder, Ian closed his eyes for a second, Trevor's car came to hold just centimeters before the other car.

The car came to movement again, that time even slower than before.

“Someone followed me.” Ian said “Out there at Ludwigsburg. Maybe the one who killed those two guys. Terry and James. You know what I'm talking about.”

“Do I know that?” Trevor asked, the street was totally snowed up.

“Aren't you scared?” Ian asked.

Trevor shook his head “What's the worst that could happen? That the car conks out? That we have an accident?” he looked at Ian “The worst is always death. I'll be fine with it. Then I'll die with you by my side in this car. That would be … beautiful.”

“Trev, please. Look at the street.” Ian glanced at Trevor, the dog whimpered on the backseat.

“The street.” Trevor laughed, his laugh sounded desperate “The street is barely there anymore. I love you.”

“I know.” Ian said “But now please look the goddamn fucking street.”

“You know? You know nothing.” Trevor muttered, but he looked back at the street “I'm the one who's always there, who will always be there. I pick you up when it snows and it's freezing and you're alone. But it'll never be enough. I'm the freak with the glasses, too lanky, too awkward, the one who'll never be cool and the teachers say he'll make it, he's intelligent. Intelligent! I always wanted to be something different. If I could choose I would look like Milkovich, believe me. But I can't choose.”

“Trev...”

“People like you are looking for people like him and then they wonder about the shit that happens.... Do what you want, Ian Gallagher. Do what you want, but whatever you do, I'll be there, in case of need. I hate to be the safety net, just the safety net. But if I can't be something else, than I'll be that.”

Trevor hit the breaks too hard, the car spun out and Trevor shouted “Fucking shit.”

“Mickey, I don't want to die with Trevor in that fucking car. Mickey were are you? Where are you?” Ian whispered to himself.

And suddenly Ian knew what he wanted, he wanted to be with Mickey. If he would manage to get out of that snow storm in one piece, he would go to him. He already forgave him and himself.

_'If we lose each other, where do we find each other again?' 'There were spring begins.'_

Trevor got the car to drive again, he smiled at Ian, Ian smiled back and said “Trev, could you let me out at the bridge. My mum's there, she meets her friends every Wednesday evening at the restaurant there. She can take me home.”

“Don't you want me to drive you home?”

“You don't need to. You don't need to drive in the city. You live out the city? At the other side, don't you? Drop me out at the bridge it will be fine.”

Trevor nodded “Okay. You sure, your mother's there?”

“Yeah, sure as fuck.” Ian nodded.

 

Trevor helped Ian to get his bike out of the trunk, he looked at Ian and said “You're wet to the bones. You should get home as quick as you can.”

Ian nodded and smiled at Trevor.

“You said someone followed you.” Trevor suddenly asked “Do you know that for sure? Did you see someone?”

“Yeah.” Ian said “Every time I turned around no one was there.... What do you think? You think I imagined it?

“I don't know.” Trevor said “I think I should stay by your side. The safety net.”

“Thanks, Trev for taking me with you.” Ian said “But I don't need a safety net.”

“Ha.” Trevor almost laughed.

Ian took a deep breath and pulled Trevor in a quick hug and he thought 'I'm so so fucking sorry, Trev, but it'll never be the way you want it to be.'

 

Ian turned around and walked towards the restaurant, he stepped in the restaurant and waited 'til he heard the car driving away.

He didn't stay, he went out in the cold again, he wandered the way to the Café on the other side of the street.

The Cafè was already closed, Ian ran towards it, cursing.

He ran up the stairs to the terrace and someone was standing there. Ian saw the blazing top of a cigarette.

He slipped on the stairs and got up, the figure looked up, for a moment Ian was afraid that it would be someone else.

It was no one else.

It was Mickey.

 

Mickey didn't say anything. He stubbed out his cigarette, stood there and waited, 'til Ian caught his breath.

“If we lose each other, we find each other again where spring begins.” Ian eventually said “How long have you been out here?”

“Since Monday.” Mickey said “I was waiting every afternoon since Monday.”

“Since... Monday.” Ian repeated “Since Monday you were out here waiting? For me?”

Mickey nodded “It was pretty cold.”

“And Mandy?”

“On Monday and Tuesday she came with me. She was sliding on the ice, since then she's talking about wanting ice skates. Today she went to a school friend, it's been a while since the last time she was there. I didn't want to let her go 'cause I was afraid that someone else than me would pick her up there... But little girls need to meet their friends sometimes... I'm going to pick her up now. It's time.”

He didn't look at Ian. His voice said: I'm talking about that so I don't need to talk about the other thing.

But to find each other again, they needed to talk about it. At least they needed to try.

“What happened...” Ian began.

“I can't right what happened.” Mickey said “I wrote those letters to you. I don't know if you read them.”

Ian shook his head. Mickey nodded “Good. Those were stupid letters. Stupid words. Useless.”

Eventually he looked at Ian. In his eyebrows was snow, Ian knew he already stood there for quite a while.

“Mick, I'm sorry. I should've listened. I threw the first punch...It was my fault as much as it was yours.”

Mickey raised his eyebrows, there was a little smile on his lips “Ian, it wasn't your fault. You were drunk and...uhm... pretty fucking horny.”

“Yeah shit, sorry.” Ian blushed a little and looked down to the ground.

Mickey cleared his throat and said “What I've done... it was awful and I hate myself that I hurt you... That was exactly what I didn't want to happen.”

That was the moment Ian should've asked why Mickey didn't want it, why he pushed him away, Mickey wrote in the letter there was a reason.

But Ian didn't ask. He didn't want to know, he didn't want an explanation, not at that moment.

Ian stepped up to Mickey and took his hands in his “Even the worst can be forgiven, Mick. The impossible is possible. The most difficult is to forgive oneself...”

“Laotse?” Mickey laughed a little.

Ian grinned “Thousand and one calendar quotes.”

Then he wrapped his arms around Mickey and hugged him, he hugged Mickey different than Trevor, Ian fell in that hug like in warm water, like on a cozy couch. It felt like a warm summer day, like a place called home.

“Come back.” he whispered “Come back to me.”

“I don't need to, you came back to me.” Mickey whispered.

“I didn't tell anybody that I got into a fight with you... I said it was a guy in the city.” Ian felt that Mickey nodded.

“Yeah I assumed that... I mean I'm still alive... I bet your dad would've ripped my head off.”

They stood there for a while, without saying a word, still hugging each other. That hug would lead to nothing more, Ian knew that he would never force someone to do anything ever again.

Mickey said a few little, very quiet words, right beside Ian's ear, Ian could barely hear them, he just felt his breath. I love you.

 

They wandered together back to the bridge. Ian didn't say a word about Trevor, nothing about his crazy trip to Ludwigsburg. He didn't mention his conversation with Mr. Miller, not the feeling of being followed.

“Let us ice skate. Tomorrow, after school. With Mandy.”

 

They got on the bus, with their bikes, it was still impossible to ride them. The bus driver didn't say a word, though it wasn't allowed to take bikes to the bus. Ian leaned his head on Mickey's shoulder.

Mickey got off the bus on the first stop, before he left he caressed Ian's cheek, placed a kiss there and whispered “Bye.”

 

“Jesus, Ian.” Monica breathed when Ian came trough the door “You're soaked wet, darling. What happened?”

“Everything.” Ian answered “The best and the worst. I need a hot shower. And I need to play guitar.... can I ask you something, mum? Something important?”

“Of course, darling.” Monica took a deep breath “You can ask me anything.”

“Good.” Ian smiled “Do we still have my old ice skates?”


	15. No saint

“Ian? Ian, are you dreaming?” Mandy pulled on his sleeve.

“Yes.” Ian answered “I'm dreaming about finding out how everything fit's together.”

“But can we start now? Did you bring your old ice skates? For me?”

Ian nodded, kneed down to open his backpack, Mickey was standing a few meters away, looking at the horizon, maybe he needed to be alone for a few minutes.

 

Ian thought about school, while he helped Mandy putting on the skates.

Hethought about the look on his schoolmate's faces. Trevor's face when he came to the student's room and saw Ian and Mickey sitting on the window sill, silent but together.

“Of course. Of course.” he nodded and went out the room. But he turned around at the door and said “Take care of you Ian Gallagher. Don't forget about the snow storm and about the shadow out there on the shore. And don't believe everything.”

Mickey looked at Ian with raised eyebrows, questioningly, Ian only shook his head. He would tell him about that shit later, maybe.

The school bell rang and Mickey sighed "Fuck me, Geography with Mrs. White is calling."

Ian grimaced, he knew Mrs. White was a terrible boring and annoying teacher "You have my sympathy."

Mickey slipped down the window sill, laid a hand on Ian's knee and smiled "See you."

Ian mirrored his smile and watched Mickey leaving the room, he wanted to look back down on his book but Karen stepped up to him.

“Nice to see you happy again, honey.” she smiled and placed a kiss on his cheek “So Trevor found you out there in the snow storm?”

“Yeah, but he only found me 'cause you told him where I was.”

Karen nodded “Take care of you, honey. And don't believe everything.”

That day they had no German class, but they met Mr. Miller at the hall.

“I'm on the case.” he winked “But I don't know what to believe yet. You should not believe everything.”

Did they all made a pact to confuse Ian? Whom shouldn't he believe? Whom should he believe?

 

“Okay.” Mandy said “I think with them I can reach the 13th of march in a minute. In the story, you know.” Mandy held on Ian, stood up and teetered a little on the ice.

Mandy made a few longer steps and then she started to glide over the ice, he didn't know that Mandy could ice skate, he thought he needed to show her.

The pink jacket dashed over the ice, Mandy threw her hands in the air and cheered, she turned around herself without falling down: a true little queen.

“Don't underestimate kids.” Ian whispered to himself “They can take care of themselves pretty well... but what happens on the 13th of march?”

Ian walked slowly over the ice to Mickey “I didn't know she can ice skate.” Mickey said “Don't underestimate kids, I guess.”

“And you?” Ian asked “Can you ice skate?” Ian kneed down and grabbed out his own ice skates and another pair, Frank's.

Mickey shook his head “I never tried. I'm gonna stand here and watch you skate.”

“Hell no.” Ian said “We won't skate without you.”

 

A short time later Mickey stood on the ice beside Ian, he looked insecure like a foal, Ian laughed about his face.

Ian took Mickey's hands and skated backwards, he swayed him over the ice.

It was impossible to teach Mickey how to ice skate.

It was disastrous, it was the best thing in the world.

Ian's stomach hurt from laughing, Ian had snow in his hair, snow in his mouth, snow in his shoes, but in his head the sun shined.

Ian would always remember Mandy's happy heartwarming laughter, a laughter from another world, in a world without dead bodies and the SSO, a world where nobody disappeared.

 

Sometime they were laying on their backs beside each other on the ice and Mickey said “In summer... you know.. I want to swim with you here in summer. The water will be warm and blue.”

“And we eat ice cream.” Mandy added quickly.

“Sure.” Mickey said and rolled on his stomach “And we lay on the beach and play ball and build sandcastles...”

“With seaweed as decoration and pine cones as residents...” Ian added.

“When it's summer, there will be no black ship anymore.” Mickey said “No problems. When it's summer I'm 18.”

“The 13th of march.” Ian began.

“On that day we reach the onshore.” Mickey smiled.

“And we celebrate your birthday.” Mandy said “He's an adult than and he can be my father, like really. It's already next week. On Wednesday.”

 Ian wanted to say that the whole father thing wasn't sure, that the legal situation was a little more difficult than Mickey and Mandy imagined, but he didn't instead he said “I got a thermos can with cocoa in my backpack.”

 “And we brought cookies.” Mandy smiled and jumped up.

 

They went back to the shore, took of the ice skates and made a picnic.

“Mandy be careful with the cocoa. You can't soil that one as well, you know our washing machine is broken.”

“You said we can wash it with our hands.” Mandy knitted her eyebrows.

“Yeah.” Mickey sighed “Tomorrow is washing day. Like in the old days, in which the real fairy tales took place. But it'll take time, Mandy, it'll take time. We already have enough to wash.”

“Can't you repair the washing machine?” Ian asked.

Mickey shook his head “That thing is probably hundreds of years old. I'll buy a new one as soon as I got enough money. But that will take a little time.”

Ian thought about the house, filled with blue air and the washing machine in the basement. Through the window you could hear the birds chirping in the garden.

“In the meantime you can wash at my place. We also have a dryer. You can come by tomorrow and bring your laundry. It would save a lot of time, you know. Time you could use for studying.”

“Oh yes.” Mandy shouted “Then I can look at Ian's books again and lay in his hammock...”

“And your parents?”

“They might be at home.” Ian said “And they won't bite anyone.”

Ian looked at him but Mickey avoided his glance, he laid his hands in front of his face, took a deep breath and put them away again “Okay fine.”

He stood up and brushed the snow from his pants “You know that isn't easy for me, right?”

“I mean as long as you can do that better than ice skating.” Ian said and stood up as well.

He wanted to add something but he couldn't cause Mickey kissed him.

2 beautiful days. Those were 2 beautiful days. One day on which Mickey learned ice skating and one day on which the laundry didn't dry. 2 beautiful days before shit started to get out of their hands.

 

On Friday they picked up Mandy together from school. Mandy was standing in front of the school with her teacher.

“Mickey Milkovich.” the teacher said “My name's Mirkowicz. I'm Mandy's teacher. You're her brother, right?”

“Yes I am.” Mickey answered “We have a lot to do, you know.”

“Wait.” the teacher stretched her hand out, but she didn't dare to really hold him back “I'd really love to talk to your mother.”

“Is there a problem?” Mickey asked, he was holding Mandy's hand.

“No. It's just... Mandy told me her mother's on vacation and it seems to be for quite a while now. Is it true?”

“Yes.” Mickey nodded “She's on vacation.”

“And who takes care of Mandy?”

“Santa Claus.” Mickey said and helped Mandy on the carrier of his bike.

Miss Mirkowicz was staring at them when they drove away, her face was a total lack of understanding.

“You're awful, Mick. She's just a teacher, who's worried.” Ian rolled his eyes.

“She's someone who is a little too curious.” Mickey said “Maybe she was the one who called the SSO. Maybe it wasn't Miss Pattel. We're still waiting for the new social officer to show up. It seems like they put Jimmy's cases aside. Hopefully we're lucky and they remember us after the 13th of march.”

 

Ian wished his parents would have come home a little later, but that time both of them were already home. Of course they said it was just coincidence.

Ian saw Mickey startling when he took of his shoes in the hall and heard Frank's voice coming from upstairs.

Ian laid his hand on Mickey's arm and said “Stay.” Mickey bit down his bottom lip and nodded slightly.

“It's really nice to have guests.” Monica smiled at Mandy and Mickey “I thought about eating lunch together.”

Ian glanced at Mickey, while they sat on the table, he looked a little uncomfortable but Ian knew he tried.

Mickey was polite and smiled every now and then at Frank and Monica. Mandy babbled about school and other stuff and Monica listened very carefully.

When they finished lunch Monica said “Now I think it's time to get the laundry done.”

“Yeah and besides the laundry Monica has a lot college stuff to do...” Frank said and glanced at Monica “And there are a few old patients records waiting for me so...”

Ian slightly shook his head and tried to hide his grin. 'Yeah, but you're going to eavesdrop...'

“Yeah and we need to listen to a story.” Mandy said proudly.

Ian took the two of them to his room, they sat down on the floor, leaned against the bookshelf.

 

“ _Yes. The story. In the story the little queen and the others started to walk over the ice. The ice was smooth and wide, hidden under the snow, like a secret thought._

_The going was tough, they slit and every now and then someone of them fell down. The green ship behind them was getting smaller and smaller._

_They looked back at it with the opera glass and the asking one said 'Are these our haunters over there?'_

_'Under the trees, where the wood anemones bloom in spring.' the answering one said._

_The boy of roses thought that he already heard that answer before, but maybe his repertoire of answers was limited. There were more questions than answers out there in the world and if you ask why's that, I need to admit that I don't know the answer to that._

_The little queen saw that their haunters reached the green ship at that moment. The black ship got stuck in the ice and the diamond eater and the two haters were walking on the ice as well._

_There was another person with them, a blond woman, she wore her hair in a tight pony tale and she wore glasses._

_'Who's that?' the little queen asked._

_'That's the jeweler.' the gray dog answered 'She wants your diamond heart as well, little queen. She wants to drag and cut it, according to her own ideas. When she succeeds, your heart won't be yours anymore...'_

_'Look.' the little queen shouted 'They are going on board the green ship. Do they think we're still there?'_

_Shortly after the green ship rose to the sky and the little queen shouted 'They flee. They got scared of the infinite ice. Look, the wind blows them away from us. They gave up. They go back to their own isles.'_

_'Yes.' the lighthouse keeper said 'And I know why. They think we're not gonna make it anyways. They think the diamond heart is lost in the infinite ice of that story. Only one person seems to believe that the diamond will survive. One person isn't on the ship.'_

_'The jeweler.' the boy whispered._

_The gray dog nodded 'She will chase us. We should hurry up.'_

_The boy of roses kneed down and took out some ice skates for everyone of them from his backpack. Only the white cat got no skates._

_'That's totally fine.' the cat said 'Cat's aren't made to skate on ice. Who carries me?'_

_The asking one asked if he and the answering one should carry her rotatory._

_They started to skate, the dog decided to ran beside them on the ice, he was too clumsy for the skates._

_They were drinking cocoa from a thermos jug which the boy found also in his backpack. The backpack was empty and the boy wanted to leave it behind._

_The gray dog shook his head 'We would leave a track behind. We need to cover our tracks.'_

_They covered their tracks but everytime they looked through the opera glass the small blond figure was still there. How did she know the way?_

_'Let's wait for her.' the little queen said 'Maybe she's freezing. Maybe she's afraid. She's all alone on the ice. She's alone and we are many...'_

_'When she finds us, she'll be more than one.' the gray dog said 'Little queen have I never told you about the ocean riders?'_  
  
_'No.' the little queen said 'Miss Layla, do you know about them?' Miss Layla shook her head and helplessly raised her arms._  
  
_'I know about them.' the lighthouse keeper said 'Their horses are blue like the deep blue sea and silver like shells and they're as fast as the night. They ran over the water and they fly over the ice. They never sleep and when they're called they follow that call cross all the waves, the storm and spray...'_  
  
_'Yes.' the gray dog said 'They keep everything in order. But what's important and what's not, what's right and what's wrong decide the one's who pay the ocean riders. The diamond collector paid them and the jeweler does too. But we never paid them, little queen. What were we supossed to give them? An apple from the garden of your isle?'_  
  
_'A shiver from the diamond.' the white cat yawned and the little queen startled._  
  
_'But if we would've paid them with a shiver from my diamond, my heart wouldn't be whole anymore.'_  
  
_'Don't worry my little queen.' the dog said 'No one's gonna break a shiver from your diamond heart. For the ocean riders our getaway isn't right and our way is forbidden. But as long as the juweler doesn't call them you don't need to be afraid. She'll only call them when she's sure she following the right ones.'_  
  
_They skated the whole day along the ice. The jeweler came nearer. Not near enough but too near._  
  
_'Can I look through the opera glasses?' the boy asked, but the lighthouse keeper said he couldn't find it._  
  
_'I can see her pretty good without the glasses.' the dog growled and narrowed his eyes 'I thought the whole time I was just imagining it but now I'm sure. Yarn. Red yarn. All of us wear red coats. Someone of us left red yarn in the white snow to show the jeweler the way. One of us is a traitor.'_

Mickey went silent.  
  
"Who is it?" Mandy asked.  
  
Mickey shrugged "I don't know."  
  
"It can't be the cat, she's not wearing a red coat only her white fur. Or do you think she pulled the yarn out of someone's coat? It can't be the dog either, he's not wearing a coat and he found it out..."  
  
"The asking and the answering are too stupid." Ian said "And they're just made up."  
  
"But the whole story's just made up." Mickey smiled.  
  
"No." Ian shook his head "No it's not. There are only two people left to be the traitor. The boy of roses and the lighthouse keeper."  
  
"We'll see." Mickey stood up "We'll see what happens. I'm sure it'll take time 'til our laundry is done... Tell me what would you do if we wouldn't be here?"  
  
"I'm afraid but I think I would study." Ian said "What would you do if you were at home?"  
  
"I'm afraid but I think I would study too." Mickey answered.  
  
"You can have my desk. I'll study on my bed, it's more comfortable anyways. We really should do something for graduation. It doesn't take itself."  
  
"I'm happy that I don't have to graduate now. I think I'll go downstairs to Monica." Mandy said and left Ian's room.  
  
"Monica." Mickey repeated "As if she would know your mother for years."  
  
"I think they get along pretty well. I think Monica always wanted another kid. Another one she could watch growing up."

Ian heard the piano from downstairs and Monica's and Mandy's voices.

“Yeah that goddamn graduation.” Ian said and collected his books and got on his bed.

There were thousands of things he rather wanted to do than studying. But when he looked up from his books after a while, he thought, that everything was like it should be.

Mickey was sitting on Ian's desk, bend over a book, advanced, he looked like he belonged there.

They slipped in an odd, surreal way of everyday life, Ian on his bed and Mickey at the desk. They were studying for graduation like thousands of other students out there. Ian smiled and looked back at his books again.

 

The piano downstairs went silent, the smell of fresh baked cookies came upstairs. Monica and Mandy were in the kitchen.

After a while Ian stood up from his bed, walked up to Mickey and laid a hand on his back.

“Beautiful moment....”

“...do not pass away.“

“Yes.”

“You're still at Faust? I reached Herta Müller already...”

“I'll think you could use a one-minute-break and kiss me.” Ian smiled at Mickey.

“Yeah I could definitely use such a break.” Mickey mirrored his smiled, Ian leaned down and they kissed each other.

 

Later Mickey took another break, a longer one, but not to kiss Ian, but to help Frank to shovel the snow from the driveway.

Ian looked out the window, it was kinda odd to watch them together, Frank in his thick winter coat and Mickey in his green military parka.

Ian thought about Mickey's right wrist, it seemed to be healed, so Terry didn't snap it.

Frank and Mickey were talking, Ian asked himself about what, maybe they were talking about Frank's offer.

“Beautiful moment, do not pass away...” he whispered and suddenly a thought came up in his mind: He saw Frank and Mickey shoveling snow together in twenty years, in thirty years – Frank got old, his hair was already white. And Mickey was a different Mickey, an adult Mickey, a more self confident Mickey.

“Bullshit.” Ian whispered “Thirty years... no one stay's together with the one you fall in love with when you were 17... In what fairy tale do you live Gallagher?”

Yet still this imagination felt so right.

“Look.” Monica said while she stepped behind Ian “It seems like they finally get along.”

“We baked cookies.” Mandy smiled and held a plate full with cookies towards Ian “And we need to stay. Monica just noticed that the dryer is broken. Totally broken. We hung up the laundry in the basement. Tomorrow the laundry will be dry, but we can stay here overnight. What do you think about that, Ian?”

“I don't know...” Ian said cautiously and turned around to Monica “...what Mickey thinks about that. Is the dryer really broken?”

Monica shrugged and nodded. Ian went down to the basement and tried to put on the dryer, he tried everything to make it work, but it didn't. Monica and Mandy were right.

When Ian came back upstairs Mickey brushed the snow from his jacket, Mandy was dancing around him and sang “We stay here and dry. We stay here and dry.”

Mickey held his hands up in defense and said “Mandy stop for just a moment. We can't stay here. We have a home and it isn't here. We come back tomorrow and get the goddamn laundry.”

“Watch your language, Mickey.” Mandy said “And look out the window. It's snowing again, I bet there will be a storm again. Please, Mickey, please, please.”

Mandy fall down to the floor and clenched around Mickey's feet “Please. Please. Please. Just tonight. I need to play piano again and I need to decorate the cookies and all that stuff.”

“Do you need to go somewhere tonight?” Ian asked.

Mickey laid his hands on his face, this time longer than usual, Ian saw that Mickey tried to make a decision and he was cursing silently behind his hands.  
  
"At the end I'm gonna yes anyways. At the end I give in and I'm doing something I'm not." he looked at Ian and added "Keep a little of me and don't let it be stolen. Maybe I really need to go out tonight. I don't know."  
  
Was he waiting for a call? Ian didn't ask.

Mickey wasn't the answering one. He was everything else. Cat-fur-seller. Storyteller. Unknown, still.  
  
"You can sleep in the guest room, there are two beds. The key is in the front door at night. You can take it with you if you're heading out later. You're not a prisoner. It's just a broken dryer." Ian smiled.

 

They were sitting together at dinner like a big family, Mandy babbled about her afternoon with Monica and Monica had that certain smile on her lips.  
  
Mickey looked a little more relaxed, he smiled at Ian.  
  
"Sometimes Mickey makes cassrole too." Mandy said "He can cook everything. Griddlecakes and noodles and pie. Even cake, for birthdays. With candles. Soon there will be a cake, maybe with strawberries cause its almost spring. Mickey can do that."  
  
"The brother you got there seems to be a true saint." Frank said.  
  
"What the hell Frank?" Ian hissed "Stop being so sarcastic."  
  
"Sarcastic?" Mandy asked.  
  
"Sarcastic means when you say something but really mean the opposite." Mickey said quietly "So... No saint. The opposite. That's right. And the opposite of a saint doesn't belong here, I guess..."  
  
Mickey stood up from the table, Ian laid his hand on Mickey's arm and whispered "Please stay Mick. Please, Frank's just talking shit. You know Mandy, Frank's good at shiveling snow, feeding the birds and take care of his patients but he can't even cook a fried egg. So i would say someone who can cook a casserole is probably a saint. Honestly I don't even know if Frank can differ a fried egg from a shovel."  
  
Mandy laughed, Frank did too, Monica tried to join their laughter, but Mickey didn't laugh.  
  
"I already prepared the guest room for you." Monica smiled.  
  
"Should we help washing up the dishes?" Mandy asked "I'm really good at it."  
  
"Our dishwasher can handle the dishes pretty well, thank you my dear. Good night." Monica answered.  
  
Ian watched Mandy and Mickey walking up the stairs hand in hand. It looked like everything was still fine, but Ian felt that it wasn't. Maybe that was when Mickey decided to leave the house another time at night.

Maybe if Frank wouldn't have said that stupid thing he would've staid and maybe some things would've turned out different.

 

Ian laid in his bed, he was still wide awake. His phone rang but he didn't take the call. Probably it was Karen, who else should it be? Before Mandy and Mickey went to bed Mickey came to Ian's room to steal a kiss and say “Good night”.  
  
Ian got up from his bed and sneaked up to the guest room, he silently opened the door. One bed was empty, in the other Mandy was sound asleep in Mickey's arms. And Mickey? Was he asleep? Or did he just pretend to be?  
  
Ian wanted to lay down beside them, but there was no room left for him in the guest bed.  
  
Ian stood there for a moment and watched them, Mickey's face was so near and yet so far.

 

 

He staid a little while on the bridge and his glance wandered out there at the ice. It stopped snowing a while ago, but the ice was still covered up. He knew where the ice was already thin.

He looked at the time, 9:30 pm, he was too early.

She would be there in only half an hour. She had a confusing name Milowicz? Mirkolicz?

At first she was surprised that he called. Maybe she didn't know anything, maybe it was useless.

But maybe they could find out something together. Save something. He had the feeling that situation got out of the boy's hands. Someone needed to help.  
  
He wasn't sure about what really happened.

Natasha for example. He thought Ian was right, she was near. But where?

He found out a few things, of course. But he wasn't sure.

He found out one thing the day before and he wished he didn't find out about that. It made him sad. Very sad. He could still see the boy's eyes in front of him, blue like ice, the boy was not surprised to see him there, it seemed like he was waiting for him, he probably already knew that he was following him. He wanted to talk to him, find a solution but the boy didn't want to listen. 'The fuck do you care? It's non of your fucking business.' he spit in his face and left.

 

He made his way towards the shore and walked out on the ice, just little not too wide, he knew where the ice was already thin.

He heard that someone was behind him, maybe it was her or someone who just walked around a little.  
  
Suddenly fear crawled up his spine, the last two days he was the one who was following, but now it was the other way around.  
  
The figure behind him came nearer. It was ridicoulus to run away, he decided to turn around, facing the person who was following him.  
  
The figure already stood right behind him, he didn't look at a face, he looked in the muzzle of a gun.  
  
"You?" he wheezed.  
  
"Of course." the figure answered "Didn't you know it already?"  
  
"I..I.." he made three steps backwards, the ice creaked under his feet.  
  
"You started sleuthin around." the figure said "Like a mediacro detective. It's not good when you want to know too much."  
  
"I..."  
  
What should he do? Run? Scream? But he was frozen, he couldn't move.

"Why? Why did you do that?" he heard himself whispering.  
  
"Have you ever loved?"  
  
He nodded "I think so.."  
  
"Not like that, maybe. If you really love someone no one can intervene, I can't let that happen. You understand? It's not about me. It was never about me. Turn around."  
  
"No." he said "Why?"  
  
“Because I need to do it the same way I already did once before. And I don't want to look in your fucking eyes when I shoot you."

There was something like a whine, first he thought it was himself, but it was the figure. And he realized that he couldn't turn around, in no way. There must be a solution. He didn't even feel hate for the person in front of him, he felt beside his own fear just pity.

And maybe it was a little his fault, maybe if he found out a few things earlier...

“Turn around.”

He didn't turn around, he made a step backwards. He felt the ice breaking underneath his feet. It happened pretty fast, one second he stood on the ice the other second he fell into the cold sea. He didn't feel the cold, the world disappeared.

And somewhere in the city someone had done his job and wandered aimlessly around in the night. His hands buried deeply in his pockets, white noise in his ears. Somewhere and sometime. No saint.

And sometime, we knew where: at the restaurant, someone was waiting, futile.

And somewhere barked a gray dog with golden eyes and a boy with glasses maybe heard him. Maybe he just went for a walk, sleepless.

And somewhere two intertwined bodies were moving together on a sterile washable couch. In the ashtray was a half smoked joint – what time it was? They didn't know.

And somewhere, somewhere near, a lost person was sleeping pretty tight.

 

In the middle of the night Ian woke up cause an icy body crawled under his blanket. He startled, but he wasn't sure if he was really awake or if he was still dreaming.

The body smelled like winter air and cigarette's and like something familiar.

“Mick?” Ian whispered, he didn't answer, he was fully clothed and he was cold like snow.

Ian turned around and laid his arm around him, tried to warm him up, but it seemed like he would never get warm again. Ian couldn't see anything. He brushed his fingers through Mickey's hair and laid his hand on his icy cheeks.

“Mick.” he whispered again, he wanted to ask where he had been, but he didn't get the chance 'cause Mickey pressed his lips on his. They kissed each other 'til they fell asleep.

 

When Ian opened his eyes in the morning, Mickey was still there beside him, he was looking at Ian, he looked concentrated, like if he was trying to memorize every milimeter of Ian's face.

“Morning.” Ian mumbled “Are you staring at me while I sleep?”

“You're beautiful, Ian.” Mickey smiled a little.

“Creep.” Ian laughed and pulled the blanket over his head.

“Ian...” Mickey began.

“Yeah?”

“I really want to...with you, you know what I mean. But I don't know... I don't want it to end like the last time...I just...” Mickey breathed.

Ian took a deep breath before he peeked out under the blanket and raised his eyebrows, he smiled at Mickey and whispered “We don't need to…you know...I can wait...when you are ready, I'm ready...”

He brushed his fingers through Mickey's hair and the other boy bit down his bottom lip and nodded “Okay.”

 

Ian laid on his back, Mickey's head placed on his shoulder, his fingers were gently brushing through Mickey's black hair, Mickey's finger was writing words on Ian's chest and stomach.

Ian wanted to ask the other boy so many questions. What's holding you back? Where have you been last night? What are you doing out there at night? Did you kill Terry and Jimmy?

But he didn't ask any of those questions, he just enjoyed lying there with Mickey right in his arms.

Ian placed a kiss on Mickey's hair and the other boy whispered “Someday I'm gonna tell you.”

Ian nodded “Okay.”

Mickey placed a kiss in Ian's neck and grinned while he slowly stood up from the bed “But now I gotta go back before Mandy wakes up and I bet Frank won't laugh if he catches the saint in his son's bed.”


	16. Thaw

“The thaw set in.” Frank said during breakfast and nodded towards the window, the snow was melting outside and tripped down from the roof.

The sun shined on the snow, it will take a little ‘til the snow would be finally gone, but it was a beginning.

No one said that much during breakfast, Ian thought it was ‘cause they were all still a little dreaming.

He went down to the basement to help Mickey with the laundry, upstairs Mandy was playing on the piano again.

“She would love to stay.” Mickey smiled “I think I’m written off.”

“Nah.” Ian said “You’re the sea lion, who protects her on the ice, don’t forget that.”

Ian hugged Mickey and whispered “Were you out last night? You were pretty fucking cold when you crawled under my blanket.”

Mickey hesitated for a second before he said “Yes, but not that long. I needed to give something off.”

Ian nodded slowly and Mickey smiled “Come. Let’s bring the laundry upstairs. I think it’s time that we’re leaving, otherwise Mandy thinks we’re living here.”

“Wait.” Ian said on the stairs “You thought about the offer? Frank’s offer with the money?”

“Frank.” Mickey said “He’s the only reasonable person her, you know? He wants to see me better today than tomorrow for the last time. I ask myself which terms are knotted to his offer. Sooner or later he will name them. Maybe the condition is to go to a college far away.”

“Bullshit.” Ian said, but he had a bitter taste in his mouth when he said it.

 

When Ian collected Mickey’s books from his desk, his fingers were as heavy as lead.

‘Stay.’ he wanted to say to Mickey ‘Stay with Mandy. Forever. And don’t go out at night anymore, stay here. You don’t need to work at night forget about your calls and contacts and the white cat fur. Throw away that night life, threw it in the river.’

His phone still laid on the desk, Ian remembered that someone called him yesterday. He checked his voice messages, he didn’t really listen while he packed Mickey’s books in his backpack.

But then he listened. It wasn’t Karen. It was Mr. Miller.

“Ian.” he said “Maybe I’m on the way to find something out. Call me, as soon as you can.”

Ian quickly dialed Mr. Miller’s number.

It would better to leave the room, Mickey was still standing behind him – maybe it would be better to not even call. Maybe he didn’t want to know what he found out. Ian’s heart was racing.

“Fisher?” a woman barked in the phone, Ian startled.

“I thought… I… I think I’ve got the wrong number.” Ian stuttered.

“Or maybe not.” the voice said “That’s Mr. Miller’s phone.”

“Uhm.. okay.. Is he there?” Ian asked a little confused “Can I speak to him? I’m one of his students, he asked me to call him back.”

“He’s here. But it'll be a little difficult to speak to him. He’s in a coma. He’s lying at the teaching hospital, I’m his attending doctor.”

Ian closed his eyes, took a deep breath and opened his eyes again.

“How?”

“The phone was in his jacket. It’s surprising that it still works. Uhm do you know if there’s someone we can inform about Mr. Miller? His family?”

“No.” Ian answered “I don’t really know him. Wh… what happened?”

“He fell through the ice.” the doctor said “We don’t know for how long he was in the water. They grabbed him out yesterday of the river, at the museums haven. He was lucky that someone came along. The one who came along there didn’t pull him out, he just called the fire department. The fire department! What an idea. And then he ran off, our caller.”

She laughed, a rough laugh, it almost sounded like barking or like coughing – maybe when you work at the ICU you’ll learn to laugh like that about stuff like that.

Ian felt dizzy, he sat down on his desk chair “Can we visit him?”

“If you don’t expect him to talk to you, sure. ICU, Spooner Street. You’ll find us.”

Ian hung up and stared at his phone. He should have taken that goddamn call the night before.

Wouldn't he have broke through the ice then? What was he doing out there alone?

“Ian?” Mickey asked “What...?”

Ian looked at Mickey, the room was spinning “The lighthouse keeper.” he swallowed hard “Something happened to the light housekeeper.”

 

The room was white as snow, too white. The sounds of the machines gave it something unrealistic. Mandy grabbed Ian’s hand, her other hand held Mickey’s. They didn’t want to take her with them, but she insisted to.

“I’m with him on the ice.” she said “With the lighthouse keeper. In the story.”

When Mandy saw him, there in his white bed, she shook her head “He doesn’t wear ice skates. We were ice skating.”

The barking doctor left them alone, she needed to take care of her other patients.

They found three chairs, which they pulled to the Mr. Miller’s bed. The face on the pillow was almost as white as the pillow itself, his eyes were closed. They were sitting there a long time in silence. It smelt penetrative like sanitizer and plastic.

“He was listening to Cohen.” Ian suddenly said “Like Natasha. Did you know that?”

“Yes.” Mickey said “And I know that Natasha had a thing with a teacher. A long time ago, she said. And that he was older than her, a good piece.”

“He said he didn’t know her.”

Mickey nodded “You can say a lot of things. And maybe he didn’t remember.” Mickey gently touched the lifeless hand “I wanted to ask him. Point-blank. Now…”

“You ask him, when he’s awake.”

Mickey nodded. But in his eyes the ice thawed, Ian saw the water in them and he knew that Mickey was thinking the same he did, probably he won't wake up ever again.

The doctor only shrugged her shoulders “What do you want to hear? Percentages? Chances of survival? It’s frigging cold there in the water. Really frigging cold.”

“The story.” Ian whispered “Continue the story. It’s important. The 13th is already next Wednesday, we need to reach the onshore until then. I think they didn’t sleep very well that night with a traitor among them.”

 

“ _They didn’t sleep well that night.”_ Mickey repeated

“ ’ _cause they were sleeping on the ice and with a traitor among them._

_A traitor, the boy of roses thought, and a murderer – and was it one and the same person? Or was it all totally different?_

_The next morning the little queen woke up the others and asked 'Where's the lighthouse keeper? I can't find him.'_

_The answering one opened his eyes and said 'In the box on the shelf.'_

_Of course the answer didn't fit, the boy thought, he laid his hand on the little queen's shoulder and said 'We're gonna find him.'_

_The thaw set in. There were tiny cracks and huge cracks in the ice, and holes, in which they could see the water, they looked like dark, lurking eyes._

‘ _Oh no.’ the little queen whispered ‘Maybe he fell in one of these holes in the night.’_

_At that moment she heard the scream of a bird and a few seconds later a grey sea gull landed beside the little queen. It started to peck the ice, no she was writing._

‘ _I found him.’ the little queen read aloud ‘The lighthouse keeper. He left alone last night. Come with me. Hurry up.’_

_The sea gull leaned its head to the side, not until it got up in the air again the little queen noticed that its eyes were golden._

_They followed the sea gull over the ice, ‘til they came to a hole, in that hole floated the body of the lighthouse keeper._

_The boy and the little queen pulled the lighthouse keeper on the ice. He didn’t move, his hand was clinched to a fist and attached to his fist was the end of a red yarn._

‘ _It was him.’ the little queen whispered ‘He showed the way to the jeweler.’_

_She looked up and saw the dark figure, which stood at the top of the next snow bank._

_The little queen looked back down to the lighthouse keeper, a tear fell down on his chest, and he started breathing again._

‘ _But we can’t stay.’ said the boy of roses ‘We need to leave. Quick.’_

_Shortly after they glided with their ice skates over the ice, faster than ever before… behind them the jeweler glided on her own ice skates._

_She worked the whole night on those skates, they were made out of pure gold, the jeweler didn’t stop when she came by the lighthouse keeper._

_Just the gray sea gull with the golden eyes hovered above the lighthouse keeper for a short moment, before it spread out his wings and followed the others._

_In the distance shined a green strip. The onshore. It was close. But it wasn’t close enough yet.”_

 

The room went silent for a few moments before Ian quietly said "The lighthouse keeper was the traitor.”

Mickey nodded “He followed me, he thought I wouldn’t notice. It’s none of his business what I’m doing at night… but I didn’t want him to get hurt. Ian, I don’t know how he managed to fell through the ice. I… I wish he would have followed me yesterday night. If he would’ve been there, where I was, he couldn’t have fall through the ice… and if I would’ve been there where he was, I could’ve pulled him out of the water.”

“It’s okay.” Ian said and laid his arm around Mickey “It’s okay.”

“I’m asking myself...” Mandy said “...in what the gull-wolf-sea lion-dog will change when we reach the onshore. Maybe to a prince, who will marry me?”

“Definitely.” whispered someone hardly audible and Ian startled, he pushed Mickey slightly in the shoulder and nodded towards the pale face on the pillow. Mr. Miller’s eyes were still closed, but his lips moved.

“A prince.” he repeated.

Ian jumped up and leaned close over him and laid a hand on his forehead.

“Mr. Miller.” he whispered, why did he whisper? “It’s me Ian. Can you hear me? What happened? What were you doing at the museums haven on the ice? Why did you go out there alone?”

He slightly shook his head.

“I wasn’t alone.” he answered “There was someone with me. Someone with a gun. I stepped back to avoid the bullet.”

He opened his eyes, cautious, as if his eye lids would weight tons, he looked at Ian – at Mandy and then Mickey. Then he closed his eyes again.

“Who?” Ian asked “Who was with you on the ice?”

“I … I don’t know…” he answered “I can’t remember.”

He felt for Ian’s hand, he wanted to tell him something, but Ian didn’t know what. He leaned even closer over him and Mr. Miller whispered “Ian. Ian. Take care of you.”

There it was again, the sentence so many people said to him lately.

“You really can’t remember who was there with you?“ Ian asked “Please, you need to try…”

But Mr. Miller didn’t answer. Ian didn’t know if he was unconscious, sleeping or if he just didn’t want to talk to him.

He turned around to Mickey, who got up from his chair. Mickey hugged Ian, Ian could feel Mickey’s cheek, and that cheek was wet. Wet from thaw water.

“He’s gonna make it.” Mickey whispered softly “He’s not gonna die. Who talks, doesn’t die. He’s gonna make it.”

Mandy hugged them both and said “He’s gonna make it and we’re gonna make it too, right?” she asked “To the onshore.”

 

Ian visited Mr. Miller on Sunday morning without Mickey. He didn’t talk to him, the doctor looked at him with knitted eyebrows when he told her that Mr. Miller had talked to him, she didn’t believe Ian “Sometimes when you wish for something so bad...” she murmured “...you imagine it.”

“But he opened his eyes.” Ian persisted “He talked to us.”

“Hmm.” the doctor said “He isn’t talking to us and if I’m being honest I don’t know if he's ever gonna talk again.”

Ian tried the whole Sunday to study and to practice, but his thoughts wandered to the ICU, wandered to the beach, wandered to the ‘Alibi’. Wandered to Mickey. Ian wished so bad he could be with the other boy right now, they could find out together what was happening here.

 

Monica came to Ian’s room and brought fresh laundry, but Ian knew the laundry was just a pretense.

Monica stood a while in front of the window and looked out and Ian didn’t say anything for a long while.

“The laundry looks like it dried in a dryer.” Ian broke the silence.

“Yes.” Monica nodded “Isn’t it great that it works again?”

“It was never broken, am I right?”

Monica shrugged, she didn’t look at Ian.

“Why did you do that? To tie Mickey? It’s not good to force people to do things.” Ian said.

“I didn’t need to force Mandy to bake cookies with me.” Monica answered quietly.

“Mandy?”

“I would… I thought… it was nice to have a little child in the house…” Monica whispered “A child that wants to bake cookies and allows one to take care of her, to hug her. You… you’re so distant lately.”

Ian looked up from his book to Monica “Mum...I...You did it because of Mandy? Because you wanted her to stay?”

“I wish, she…” Monica whispered and pressed her face against the cool window glass “I wish she would’ve stayed.”

 

Two times that afternoon Ian’s phone went off, he recognized Trevor’s number. For fucks sake Trevor. Ian didn’t take the calls.

In the evening he called Mickey, they didn’t talk about Trevor, about barrier tapes, about people falling through ice. They were talking about what they would do in summer – sailing, swimming and forgetting about the winter.

“Tomorrow.” Ian said “Tomorrow we have a few useless classes. I'm asking myself if there will be a substitution for German class.”

“Yes me too.” Mickey said.

“Mick? Isn’t the 13th on Wednesday?"

“Yeah.”

“So it’s your birthday on Wednesday. And they reach the onshore on Wednesday."

“Yeah but it isn’t Wednesday yet.” Mickey laughed a little.

“No.” Ian smiled “See you tomorrow, Mick.”

“Bye, Ian.” Mickey said.

 

That night Ian dreamed of blooming red flames, an inferno, a burning house. No, a beach house. The flames where everywhere, the heat was unbearable, Ian was standing right in the middle of it. He saw himself from outside. Was that really himself? Or was it Mickey? In that dream the borders became blurred.

 

And then came Monday. And he understood the dream too late.


	17. Truth

Ian was sitting in class, trying to follow the Math teacher when the announcement came.

Another week full with explanations he didn’t get and he didn’t care for, and then just formulas he needed to get into his head. He knew he needed to listen but Math wasn’t his thing, to be true he hated it.

Mickey was sitting at the back of the class room, he came late, he was looking tired, like most of the time.

Ian only endured Math to talk to him later, he didn’t even know about what, but that didn’t matter, he just wanted to talk to him.

And then the announcement came.

“The school's drama club...” the bored voice said through the speakers “...asks for a short moment of your attention.”

Ian laid the pen down and leaned back, every year there was such an announcement, a cutout from the school play, nice advertising.

A welcome break from Math class.

Odd, it was Trevor’s voice. Since when was Trevor part of the drama club?

Ian glanced at Karen, she just shrugged and started to draw something on her notebook.

And before Trevor’s words percolated fully to his brain, Ian thought ‘I lost her. Karen was my best friend, though we were so different. But I lost her.’

Then Ian heard what Trevor was saying, there were talking people, loud music in the background, it sounded like he was in a club or a bar. A fucking bad record.

Trevor seamed to repeat what he already said once before “I said: Would you also like to go with me?”

“Going where?” someone else asked. And that someone was Mickey.

Ian straightened up in his chair.

“You know exactly what I mean.” Trevor said “It doesn’t matter where. To one of us. Or are you already appointed?”

“Trevor.” Mickey laughed, it was an odd laugh “I don’t know what you want. You hate me.”

“No.” Trevor said. It sounded surprisingly honest, but was it? Where were they? When? About what was that conversation?

“Hate and love are close together.” Trevor said, the only sentence which fitted to a play.

“Bullshit.” Mickey said.

“I thought it’s just a question of price.” Trevor said quietly “How much do you want? I have money, you know. Enough. You’re the only chance to find out something about myself… If I’m really, you know… “

“Yeah.” Mickey said “I know what you mean, but I'm not gonna do this.”

“But I thought you’re going with people and do such things, aren’t you?”

For a moment you could only hear the sound from the background.

“It’s…” Mickey answered “...a question of price.”

At that moment Karen jumped up and ran out of the class room. Ian was sitting there, totally stiff, frozen, he wasn’t able to move.

He understand nothing and everything.

 

Karen knew she should had been jumped up earlier, but the surprise benumbed her.

Benumbed her like Ian. And Mickey, who was sitting there in silence, frozen.

Never had Karen ran along the school hall that fast before, but she knew it wasn’t fast enough.

Where was the fucking secretary? Did she leave Trevor alone for the fucking announcement? That was the only possibility.

Trevor was crazy, crazy, fucking crazy.

Karen forced herself to run even faster. Why was no one else doing anything? Why was she the only one who wanted to stop Trevor?

“Trevor.” said Mickey's voice out of the speakers.

'Phone.' Karen said 'He recorded that shit with his phone. Inconspicuous. He's not stupid.'

“Trevor, I don't know what you expect. That's nothing I do all the time. I'm no... how do you say it.. I'm no professional. For something like that you need to go to Berlin or Rostock. What I do, is something that just arises. Usually I'm doing this with older men.”

“So you just go with men.”

“Sometimes there are older women too, but that's very rare.”

“So what are you? Are you bisexual or what?”

“That's non of your business, Trevor.” Mickey said “It's just a question of money. It's not that hard to grit your teeth. Even if you don't get what I'm talking about.” Mickey's voice sounded bitter.

“Fine.” Trevor said “I wasn't quite honest with you, I just wanted to know. I mean, I knew it, I watched you, but I wanted to hear it from you.”

“You happy now?” Mickey asked “Almost, I almost felt sorry for you. And don't you tell anybody about our conversation, you hear me?”

“Of course.” Trevor said “I'm not suicidal”.

 

'Obviously he was.' Karen thought, though he kept his promise, he didn't tell anyone. He just played the record, from which Mickey didn't know it existed.

Karen swung the door to the secretary open, Trevor stood there alone, his phone in his hand, leaned over the mic saying the last sentence:

“I thought...” he said “...someone had to tell Ian the truth.”

Then Karen's fist met his face.

But she knew it was already too late. Too fucking late.

 

Ian turned around, he was the last one to do so.

Everyone else was already staring at Mickey during Trevor's announcement.

The math teacher stood in front of the class, she looked helpless, she knew she had to say something, but what should she say?

Mickey stood up and left. Without a word. His glance was pinned to the floor, he closed the door behind him and somewhere he closed a second door, the school door, probably forever.

He was walking past the school yard, walking away, away from a world he never belonged to.

They saw him putting on his black woolen hat and getting on his bike.

He forget the earphones. 'Maybe.' Ian thought 'He didn't need them anymore, maybe the white noise eventually arrived in his head.'

Ian threw his shit in his backpack and stood up, he felt that everyone was looking at him now. Some of them were whispering.

Lizzy looked at Ian, her glance was full with pity, Ian wanted to throw up.

Ian laid his hands in front of his face for a moment and took a deep breath.

Then he went the same way Mickey did, but he didn't look at the floor, he looked at all of them. He went out the class room, walking with his head heald high the whole way to his bike.

 

He took his bike and drove out to Wieck. He got off his bike at the Café and walked his head heald high out the mole.

The ice was melting, he saw the ducks swimming in the water, and the dirty white swans.

And suddenly his feet didn't carry him anymore, he needed to held on the white handrail to not fall down, he bend over the handrail, waiting for the tears to come, but there weren't any.

Ian cried without tears. He understood now. He understood a lot.

Ian remembered how Mickey opened the front door of his apartment, only wearing a shirt, not wanting to let Ian in.

He remembered words. _'Can I come with you? No Ian you can't come with me.'_ ' _What I do, is something that just arises.'_

How often did it arise since he knew him? In which nights did he sell the white cat fur and in which nights himself?

On which mornings did he sleep during German class because he went with someone who paid the right money the night before?

Ian didn't know that such things were a thing there, in that tiny city.

“Out of all possibilities to earn money.” Ian whispered “Why needed it to be this one, Mick? Because it arose sometime? When? When did you start to grit your teeth and...? Is it a symbol? For how far you go for the little queen? How far you go over the ice? Sometime the ice's not gonna bear anymore, you know...”

Ian realized why Mickey pushed him away at the beach house, why he didn't want to do it, because he just associated bad things with it.

When Ian closed his eyes, he saw pictures he didn't want to see, documentaries of cheep porn.

_'Usually I'm doing this with older men.' 'Sometimes there are older women too, but that's very rare.'  
_

Usually. Could you get used to anything? Did everything become routine at sometime? Ian opened his eyes.

'Karen.' he thought 'Karen knew it. Karen kept her mouth shut. But now the whole school knew. And Mickey left in such a definite way.'

He needed to find him.

 

Trevor fell down to the floor between the big desk and the wall. Karen stood there for a moment above him, looking down on him. He looked up at her, there was something like a slight smile on his face.

Behind them the door opened, the secretary, who never should had left her goddamn office, came in.

She looked at them a little scared and confused.

“Jesus Trevor, you're so fucking sick.” Karen spit out “Totally fucking sick. The only person you named and shamed was yourself.”

“I just took care that the truth comes out.” Trevor shrugged.

“Yeah you did.” Karen said “And the truth is that you're an fucking sick asshole.”

He was still lying on the floor in front of her, helpless like a bug on his back and the anger bowled inside of her. Karen raised her foot – she paused.

“No.” she said “You're not even worth to be beaten up. I hope they expel you from that fucking school.”

She slammed the door shut behind her and stood out there in front of the principal and a few teachers “Do that.” she said “Expel that motherfucker from school. Save the money for printing his graduation paper.”

The principal grabbed Karen's arm and asked “What the hell is going on here? Is that true? And who are you talking about? Milkovich?”

“Mickey?” Karen snorted “Mickey expelled himself from school today. You're not gonna see him ever again. I'm talking about that asshole Trevor.” she nodded towards the door.

 

No one opened the door to the apartment at Amundsen Street. Not even Miss Pattel was peeking out of the door. Ian heard her voice behind the door in between screaming children. Of course, Ian thought, Miss Pattel gave up reaching out for Mandy as another paid foster kid.

Behind the door with the name Milkovich on it, it was silent and Mickey didn't pick up his phone.

Ian drove back to the city, drove here and there, he was searching for Mickey without having any trace, he didn't find him.

For a moment he thought Mickey would sit in a chair beside the lighthouse keeper at the clinic, but there was no one.

Mr. Miller's eyes were still closed.

“Did you know that?” Ian asked “About Mickey? Was it what you found out?”

What if there happened something else between Mickey and his teacher? No. Fuck no, of course not.

Ian left the clinic to get rid of that thought. He drove to Mandy's school, but the school yard was empty. Mickey still didn't pick up his phone.

“They went on a trip.” Ian whispered “To the isle. Or somewhere. They come back. They came back the last time. They appear again.”

What appeared last time as well was Jimmy's body. Ian didn't even know when exactly Jimmy had died.

It was possible that he died the night before Mandy and Mickey went to the isle.

Why did this come to his mind now? What did Trevor say? _I'm not suicidal._

He had his number – why? He hesitated. But then he called anyways. The phone rang quite a while, Ian's knees got week. Mailbox, he didn't leave a message. He got on his bike and drove back home.

His phone went off when he got of his bike in front of his house, he pulled it out and took the call without looking at the screen “Hello?”

“Ian.” Trevor said “You called, I saw your number...”

“Yeah.” Ian exhaled loudly “I just wanted to know, if...” What did he want to say? If you're still alive?

“I'm sorry.” Trevor said “What I did. Maybe it wasn't the right way... but I just wanted you to know the truth.”

“Yeah, it's all about the truth. And now I know one truth, I know who didn't shoot Terry and James.”

“Pardon me?”

“Was it you?”

“Me? Are you fucking serious?”

“I'm fucking serious, yeah.” Ian said “Just tell if it was you or not.”

“Sure I ran around at night and shot Terry and Jimmy.” Trevor laughed, it was a strange laugh.

“How do you know that Jimmy got shot at night?” Ian asked.

“I just thought. Someone would've noticed if he got shot by day at the beach of Eldena. Ian I'm not involved in that whole shit. The only person I know who has something to do with all three of them is Milkovich.” Trevor statted.

“Three.” Ian said “So you know there are three.”

“The news with Mr. Miller made its round, you know.”

“He fell through the ice.”

“He did?”

“Trevor.” Ian almost laughed “Isn't that odd? With everything you do you only manage to get the opposite from what you actually want. The car drive in the snow... you wanted to impress me, but you scared the shit outta me. And now .. I know now, Mickey didn't shoot anyone. I wasn't sure about that, the whole time I thought it was him, but now I know it wasn't him.”

“Why?”  
  
“Because you're talking to me in this right moment. Because you did that and you're still alive.”

 

Ian hung up and opened the front door. From the living room were coming voices – one voice belonged to Monica, the other one didn't belong to that house.

It was the light voice of a woman, Ian know her – he didn't know where from. Ian took off his coat and his shoes and followed the voices.

On the couch beside Monica sat Mandy's teacher, Ian didn't remember her name.

“Ian.” Monica said “That's my son.”

“I know.” the teacher said “We already met.”

“What happened?” Ian asked nervously.

“Sit down, darling.” Monica said.

“No.” Ian shouted, suddenly he was scared “I want to know what happened.”

And then he sat down, more he let himself fall down in one of the chairs, he stared at Mandy's teacher. She was so young and blond, her green blouse was springlike.

Ian asked himself how Natasha looked like, he never saw a picture of her.

“Why don't you say anything?” Ian said “Please say something. Please. Where.. where are they?”

“Where... what?” the teacher asked.

“Mandy told her she's living here.” Monica explained “Obviously she told a little lie. Her teacher wanted to know an address eventually to visit Mandy's mum and now she's sitting here with us.”

“That's... that's it?” Ian asked.

“Yes.” the teacher answered “I'm worried about the little girl, you know? Her brother, who takes care of her, he's a little scary. And the way he tries to keep her away from anybody, it seems a little... I don't know, I don't have a good feeling. But you know that better. You know him. Your mother said that maybe that's just how he appears. And my worries are unfounded.” she stood up “Don't let me keep you. Now that I know everyone's taking care a little, it seems to be okay.”

Ian looked at Monica. 'Thank you.' he thought 'Thank you, thank you, thank you so fucking much.

Mandy's teacher went to the hall and put on her jacket “I wanted to talk to Mickey's teacher as well. We wanted to meet but he didn't come.”

“No.” Ian said.  
  
Then the door closed behind the women with the springlike blouse.

“Thank you.” Ian said to Monica, this time he said it loud “Thank you, thank you. Thank you so fucking much.”

“And what...” Monica said “...happened this time?”

 

Ian needed the whole afternoon to get to the truth in his story, to get to the fact from Trevor's announcement. The words were too hard, Ian almost wished Karen would be there, to tell Monica all that shit, Karen had no problems with hard words.

“Karen would say.” Ian whispered eventually “He's a hustler.”

“I think I have an other word.” Monica offered “In movies they call it 'call boy'.”

“No.” Ian said and looked to the floor “A call boy is someone you actually call, as a woman, who's making this professional and who has no problem with what he's doing, he's maybe even having fun doing this. In movies there's no bad thing about call boys, right? This here is something totally different. Usually they're men, older men. Sometimes there are also older women, fuck I don't know. I don't know when it started. Maybe a long time ago. He's seventeen Monica, like me. This is all so fucking wrong. It's not that hard to grit one's teeth, he said, it's not hard to...”

Monica tried to hug Ian but Ian stood up and stepped back “I'm sorry, mum.” he whispered “But please don't touch me. Not now. I need to find him. I need to find him, but I don't know where to search anymore.”

 

Ian stood for a long time in his room, looking out of the window. 'In the forest.' he thought 'The wood anemones are already blooming.'

Ian didn't tell Monica about the beach club, he would never tell her that it was Mickey he got into a fight with.

When it got dark outside Monica came to Ian's room, silent as ever, almost invisible “Ian. One thing. Your father... I'm not gonna tell him about that. And maybe it's better you're not gonna do it either.”

“No.” Ian said “Yeah. Thank you, Monica.. I'm gonna go now. I don't know how many bars are out there in the city, but at least I need to try. Maybe he's somewhere...”

“Should I come with you?” Monica asked. She really meant it.

Ian slightly shook his head “Tell Frank, I'm out with Karen.”

'Odd.' he thought 'When he left the house. Didn't it used to be the other way around? Tell mum, I'm okay. Tell Monica, she doesn't need to worry.'

Not a stone was left standing since he knew Mickey. He still didn't pick up his phone.

 

He wasn't there. He was nowhere. He disappeared, in nothing, in air, in thaw water.

He had never been at so many bars in one night ever before, he didn't even know there where that many.

He didn't want to go to college there, he never wanted to but at that day it became impossible. He needed to go away from there, as soon as possible, wide away.

He went in bars, forced himself to ask, of course they knew him there, on their lips was something like a pity smile.

'Poor little boy.' stood on their faces 'What adventure did you think yourself out?'

He asked himself what people knew, how much those people knew. Did that part of the city knew more than he would ever know?

 

It was after 2 am when he arrived at the canteen, yeah even the canteen had a nightlife, on Saturdays and Thursdays the basement came to life.

But it was Monday, there must be something preternatural.

Ian was tired as fuck. He wanted to go home, he wanted to go by the canteen, but someone was shouting his name.

Karen. And suddenly Ian was thankful as fuck for her to be there. Karen was standing there in her dark clothes in the dark and was smoking.

Beside her were standing a handful other smokers, Ian didn't know them.

Karen laid her arm around Ian and walked with him a few steps away “Ian. I failed. I was too late. I'm sorry.”

Didn’t he had lost Karen after all? Had Karen forgiven that Ian closed the door right in front of her face, that he barely spoke to her?

“Oh that.” Karen said “Jesus, I already forget about that. Today… fuck I should’ve been faster. He said his last sentence when I entered the room. I punched him in his fucking face, fuck I was so angry – aren't you never angry?”

“Of course I am.” Ian said “Often. Way too often. You knew it, didn’t you?”

“About Mickey?” Karen took a puff from her cigarette “Perhaps. Is it important?”

“Yes.” Ian answered “It’s important that you didn’t tell me. Thank you. But it doesn’t change a thing, you know. I’m here cause I’m looking for him. To say that it doesn’t change anything.”

“Don’t you say ‘I love him’ or I'm gonna start crying.” Karen said and smiled softly at Ian and pulled him in a tight hug, her face near his own seemed to be wet.

“You didn’t find him yet, huh?” her voice asked a little rougher than usual.

“No.” Ian shook his head.

“Try it in there, honey.” she caressed Ian’s cheek and placed a kiss there. Ian smiled at her, some things would probably never change.

 

Ian went inside, he made his way through dancing, sweating people. There was only one room were you could dance, the bar was a total chaos, there were jackets and bags everywhere. Ian asked himself if people would ever find what’s theirs in that chaotic mess.

The music was loud and it was pretty dark inside, Ian’s eyes needed a few minutes to adjust.

Ian could fell the bass in his feet, his fingers, in his hair line.

There was a couple making out in the corner, a guy who seemed to have already way too much, a girl sleeping placid on a bench.

It was impossible to find someone in that chaos. Why did Karen say he should look in there? Was Mickey there? Did she see him? Why didn’t she come with Ian?

'No.' Ian thought 'If I'll find him, I'll need to find him alone.'

And then he found him.

 

He sat in the very corner, on a table, between jackets and sweaters, it was ridiculous but Ian recognized him because of the woolen black hat.

First he wasn’t sure if it was him, there were plenty other people with such hats. But when he made his way towards him and sat down beside him, it was Mickey.

He sat there, leaned against the wall, sit was probably the wrong word it was more hanging, first Ian thought he was asleep.

He wasn’t sleeping, his eyes were open, they were staring blankly at the dance floor.

He wasn’t only wearing the hat, he was also wearing his green military parka, though it was pretty hot in there. In his hand was a half full bottle of beer.

Ian laid his hand on his and Mickey eventually realized that the other boy was there.

He turned his head awkward slowly and something like a smile appeared on his face. It was bitter smile, bitter like his voice on Trevor’s record.

“Well.” He said, Ian leaned forward to hear what he was saying “Well, did you come to save the outlaw?” Something wasn’t right with his voice, it wasn’t just the bitterness. “That’s what it is, right?” he continued “A … a beautiful story. The prince and the outlaw. The underdog. The Outcast.” He spit out those words and laughed “What stupid words, aren’t there any other words?”

“You are the one who’s good with words, not me.” Ian said “But I know that you’re talking shit right now. Mick. I was looking for you. The whole fucking day.”

“Look for someone else.” Mickey said. His voice was still oddly slow, then Ian saw that something was wrong with his eyes. The ice in there almost swallowed the whole pupil, the dark windows of his pupil were almost completely frozen up.

“Shit, Mick.” Ian shouted “What did you take?”

Mickey’s hand waved through the air, a gesture that meant nothing and everything. He put the bottle on the desk, and that seemed to be a hard exercise.

“Does it matter?”

Ian grabbed Mickey by his shoulders and gently shook him, Mickey just let it happen “You said you wouldn’t take the shit you sell.” Ian shouted against the music “You said…”

“Let go prince…” Mickey said with a smile Ian didn’t like “Said. Said. Did you believe it?”

“Yes I did.” Ian shouted “I fucking did you prick.”

“It was true.” Mickey said and suddenly he found the strength to push Ian’s hands away.

The beer bottle tripped and ran out, Mickey seemed not to notice, he placed his arms on the table and laid his head on them, like he used to do in German class, he turned his head towards Ian and said “True, it was true. I said I can’t do that because of Mandy… but now it doesn’t matter anymore. It doesn’t matter anymore.”

“Where is she?”

“At home. Sleeping. We were on a trip again and now she’s lying in her bed sleeping. What do you think? You thought I wouldn’t take care of her anymore?”

“If nothing matters anymore?”

Ian saw that Mickey tried to fix him with his eyes, but couldn’t manage to do so.

“Leave me alone.” He said “Leave me alone. What do you want from me?”

“I want to bring you home.”

“Forget it.” Mickey said and stood up, Ian saw that he couldn’t stand on his feet, he hold on the table and sat back down.

Ian went closer to him, he didn’t want to scream anymore. Mickey smelt like beer, he still didn’t know what he took, but he was right in the end it didn’t matter. Mickey gave up.

“I don’t know, if that percolates to you now.” Ian said “Probably not. But if you don’t remember it tomorrow, I’m gonna say it again. I was looking for you, because I wanted to say that Trevor didn’t effectuated anything with that whole shit. He did that whole track and announcing shit for nothing. Now I know something, I didn’t know before. I don’t fucking care.”

“But everyone knows everything.” Mickey mumbled “Now. No, they know shit. No one knows anything. No one knows everything.”

“Do you hear what you’re saying? Does that make any sense?” Ian raised his eyebrows.

“What does make any sense?” he asked “Go prince. Leave your outlaw alone. You can’t … you can’t change him.”

“I don’t go anywhere without you.” Ian said.

“My gosh, look at them, how they’re dancing.” he said as if he didn’t hear Ian “How they dance, isn’t that crazy? The world turns around backwards and they don’t notice it, they just keep dancing. Should I tell how the fairy tale continues?”

“Yeah.” Ian said.

He leaned his body slightly against Mickey’s and looked at the dancing crowd, he was right, it was fucking crazy.

 

 _“The little queen and the others saw the onshore… in the evening.”_ Mickey began, he stumbled over the words, like a child making his first steps.

_“They were cheering and hugging each other._

_‘We’re almost there.’ the boy of roses said._

_‘Tonight.’ the little queen shouted._

_‘Soon.’ the answering one said._

_‘Where’s she?’ said the asking one._

_Above them the gray sea gull screamed, it sounded piercing and warning. They didn’t understand at first, and continued to skate towards the onshore._

_The gull screamed for another time, even louder and stopped._

_In front of them the ice broke. They saw how thick it was, half a meter, but the ice broke anyway._

_Between the onshore and the edge flooded a large river, a torrential river out of thaw water, an insurmountable obstacle._

_They took off their skates and stood there in silence at the edge of the water._

_The gray gull landed in front of them, turned its head and blinked, the pupils in her golden eyes were almost completely gone. Maybe the wind in the air above the sea had been too cold._

_The little queen kneed down to stroke the gray gull but it was a dog again. He leaned against her legs, searching protection from the cold, then he barked loudly and showed his teeth. He had sharp teeth like a wolf._

_The little queen followed his glance and the boy of roses did too._

_‘She’s coming.’ the boy whispered ‘The jeweler, she’s coming. We need to swim.’_

_‘We swim.’ the little queen said ‘But if we swim we die. And I don’t know anything about death. We’ve been on the way since such a long time and we met so many people but none of them, not a single one, told me what it means to die.’”_

 

“That’s it?” Ian asked

“That’s it.” Mickey shrugged, Mickey turned the beer bottle around, the last drip fell out of it.

“That’s not the end.” Ian said “The end is in only two days, ‘til then we find a way to get over the large river. The sea lion can swim. He can perfectly swim. Come.”

Ian grabbed his arm and pulled him to his feet, he wanted to drag him further, but it seemed like the other boy found his strength again for a second time. He pushed Ian away, Ian held on the table.

Mickey stood in front of him, his arms hanging down by his side, he fell back on the bench and closed his eyes “Ian, go.” he said quietly “Go away, wide away. And never come back. The fairy tale won’t end well.”

 

Ian left. He left him alone, alone with the crazy dancing crowd. He didn't want to force Mickey to come with him.

“Honey.” Karen said, he met her in front of the canteen again “Did you find him?”

“No.” Ian said “I’m gonna find him tomorrow. Tomorrow. When he’s sober again and caught some sleep.”

“Okay.” Karen nodded, Ian realized that Lip was standing behind Karen when he heard his voice “Okay.”

Lip had a glass in his hand, the color of what was in Lip’s glass was beautiful, the glass was beautiful and his hand was slender and beautiful. 'Look.' he thought 'How they're dancing, crazy!'

“Ian.” Lip said “Wait. That shit with Trevor today, what he recorded… I… I’m … if I say something now…”

“It can only be wrong.” Ian said “Go, Lip. Take Karen with you and go dancing.”

 

That night Ian wasn’t dreaming about flames, he was dreaming about Ludwigsburg. About the snow storm.

And he knew who followed him, who scared the shit out of him.

_'I drove by 5 minutes ago, don’t you tell me you didn’t see me.'_

Ian couldn’t see him driving by, 'cause Trevor didn't drive by.

In his dream he saw the three snowed up cars again, parking at the restaurant at the beach.

And suddenly Ian was sure that one of those cars had been Trevor’s.

And somehow it was like he could remember hearing the panting of a dog in between the storm.

Ian heard Karen's voice _‘Don’t believe everything.’_ Karen never told Trevor he would drive out there, oh no.

He fucking followed him. He followed him to Mickey’s apartment the other day.

_‘Maybe I'm just watching you so you won't do anything stupid.’_

And he fucking continued to follow him. Ian would never know wherever he followed him.

Trevor scared him out there to save him.

He let him walk in front of him, let him slit his bike through that fucking snow storm, for a long time, a long long time, ‘til he was exhausted enough to get rescued.

Trevor was waiting, lurking…That was why the heater wasn’t already warm. Of course. Of fucking course.

 

When Ian woke up, it was already late forenoon, he must had slept like the dead. Outside the window was barely any snow anymore.

The sun was shining in a new golden way. Ian hurried up with putting on his clothes.

He knew what he was going to do.

He would drive out there to the forest, where the wood anemones were already blooming.

He had the feeling that they were already blooming out there and they were waiting for him. The wood anemones and the spring.

He would bring Mandy a spray with wood anemones. Ian would knock on their door and he would talk to Mickey about everything.

Since he knew Mickey it had always been like a fucking ping-pong game, up one minute down the next.

That day was perfect to sort things out and to explain. To speak about the future, a future in which Mickey wouldn’t do the things he did to earn money, that was for sure, even if he had to throw Frank’s money in Mickey's face.

Ian knew a place where more wood anemones were blooming than anywhere else. Near the place in the bushes where the invisible, Mandy told him about, were living. Ian would tell her the invisible disappeared with the snow, they were gone in spring.

It was about time for spring. It was the 12th of march.


	18. Natasha

There was still snow between the trees, but between the last white spots of the cold there were new white spots, a few yellow and purple ones.

Marsh marigolds, liverleaves and wood anemones, such a long name for such a small flower.

The paths were brown and muddy, Ian almost got stuck with his boots a few times.

Winter was over.

On his back he carried his guitar and in his bag there were Monica’s old Cohen records.

He had plans, he had big plans.

Mandy could learn to play the guitar, if she wanted to. Or she could learn to play the piano.

The house with the blue air was too big and the apartment at Amundsen Street was too small. There could be a move.

And when Mandy had settled in… Maybe Mickey could go away with him, somewhere. They could go college, somewhere where nobody would know Mickey and they could visit Mandy any time.

Ian wouldn’t force Mickey to do anything, he promised he wouldn’t force him. But now the snow was melting and maybe the other boy would eventually appreciate some things.

And tomorrow Mickey would be eighteen. Tomorrow he didn’t need to be worried someone would take Mandy away from him.

Ian hoped it was true what Mickey thought. He could’ve asked Frank, his dad knew such things, but he didn’t, he was afraid of the answer.

‘No.’ he said to himself ‘Mickey’s right.’

Tomorrow everything's gonna be fine. They would reach the onshore. They were almost there.

 

Ian saw where boars had churned up the mud, searching for beechnuts of the last fall.

Something rustled behind the bushes, Ian turned around, he wasn’t keen on meeting a boar outside there. It was silent again, probably it was just a bird.

Ian walked down the path he had run down with Mandy and Mickey a few days ago, he got further and further into the forest, there where the invisible lived.

Behind the thick bushes was the spot where the most wood anemones were blooming. Ian separated the bushes to get there. But that year there weren’t any wood anemones 'cause boars had churned up the whole ground. But why there?

Ian would go anywhere else, there were enough flowers out there, he wanted to walk by the wallow but then he saw what the boars had dug up.

There was something stuck in the mud, something colorful, red and blue, fabric.

Ian heard the noise again, he turned around, but there was no one. He started to imagine things, that weren’t even there.

It seemed like his imagination was still in Ludwigsburg between the beach and the snow storm.

“But it was still winter then, that was hundred years ago.” he whispered “Now it’s spring. Back then I was scared… and now…”

He was scared again, he took a step closer to the wallow. Someone had buried clothes in there, a red shirt, a blue jacket…

Ian kneed down, close, too close. Hair, there was hair between the mud, long strands of hair.

'A doll, please dear God, I know the last time I was praying I was a little kid and it was Christmas but please let that be a doll.'

Ian noticed that he was shivering.

‘You can’t look away now. You need to look, Ian.’

That wasn’t only clothes, it was the buried body of a woman.

'Thank god.’ he thought ‘Thank god, I can’t see her face.'

The woman laid on her back, half of her body was covered with mud and leaves, Ian thought it was Mandy’s teacher, but her hair was blond and the hair of the woman who was lying there was black, black like ebony. Black like Mandy’s and Mickey’s hair.

Her hands were folded on her stomach, she was buried there, more lovingly than hastily.

There was also something else lying there, maybe it had been placed on her chest when she had been buried there.

A cross made out of two plywood boards held together with a piece of fabric.

Ian leaned forward to grab the cross without touching the body or the clothes of the woman.

Suddenly Ian was hot, too hot, his stomach turned, he felt like he would throw up at any minute, his head was spinning.

Someone had written something on that cross with a black marker, hardly readable. But that was a lie, he could perfectly read it, the cold also conserved the writing, decent block letters.

NATASHA MILKOVICH  
12.4.1980 – 14.2.2017

Ian’s head did the math: nineteen. She wasn’t even nineteen when she gave birth to Mickey.

She was only 36 years old.

Ian closed his eyes and saw a white cat in front of him, half covered with mud and leaves. She was blind and asleep.

She was sleeping very deep. He remembered one of those occurring answers in the fairy tale _'Under the trees, where the wood anemones bloom in spring.'_

Sometime but just not at the right time the asking one said _'Where’s Natasha?'_

She had never been on a trip.

“Why?” Ian whispered “Why did you do that? _Did_ you do that? And why… why did you tell me about it in your fairy tale? Did you want me to find her? Did you want everything to be finally over?”

Ian opened his eyes and stood up, his head still felt dizzy, he stumbled a few steps back and threw up.

 

Ian made his way back to his bike, his mind was racing, words and sentences of a fairy tale were spinning in his head.

Another answer from the answering one came to Ian’s mind ' _In the box on the shelf.'_

But Ian couldn’t remember a fitting question… Shit, shit, fuck…

Why did Mickey kill his mother?

He killed Terry and Jimmy. And Natasha. Mickey was a murderer.

“No.” he whispered “No, I don’t want that to be true. I was so fucking sure that it wasn’t Mick.”

Suddenly Ian remembered Mandy’s teacher, the chaser of the little queen. He called Monica while he ran through the forest.

“Hello?”

“Mum, it’s me. Do you have the phone number of Mandy’s teacher? Did she leave a number?”

“No, I…”

“Mum, please you need to find out her number. Now. It’s important. Call her and tell her she needs to take care. Tell her to not leave the house… Tell her...”

“Ian. What’s wrong? Where are you? Didn’t you want to go to Mickey? What happened?”

“Yes. No. I’m on my way to him. Call that teacher, Monica. Right now.”

 

His hands were shaking, it took a while 'til he finally managed to unlock his bike.

Ian heard Mickey’s voice in his head _'Every idiot can crack that.'_ , but Ian couldn’t, he lived in a totally different world than Mickey and he was right with everything.

_'Go prince. Leave your outlaw alone. You can’t … you can’t change him.'  
'Go away, wide away. And never come back. The fairy tale won’t end well.'_

He warned him, he warned him the whole fucking time, like he did at the beach club but Ian didn’t listen. There was one question that remained unanswered: Why did he warn him? Why did he tell him that fairy tale? Did he really love him after all? Was a murderer able to love?

Ian wasn’t sure about that.

He couldn’t tell anyone, first he needed to talk to Mickey.

 _‘Are you crazy?’_ the little voice in his head screamed _‘After all you want to go to him, ran right in the arms of a fucking murderer? Go home and call the fucking police!’ ‘What do you want to do? Do you want to ask him? Point-blank?’_

"No I’m not that stupid, I’ll say that I need to use the bathroom. I'll grab the box from the shelf and take a look in it."

_‘And then?’_

 

The last question remained unanswered, his head was oddly light when he turned in Amundsen Street and got off his bike, his feet didn’t touch the ground, it felt like a dream. But not a good one.

Ian got up the stairs to the apartment and pressed the doorbell. He was freezing, his stomach turned, he felt like he would throw up again.

The door opened, Ian’s heart was racing, it felt like it would jump out of his chest at any minute.

“Hey Ian.” Mandy said “Mickey’s not here.”

Ian took a deep breath and exhaled loudly.

“Can I come in anyway?”

“Sure.” Mandy said “I’m reading a book, you know. I can already read, like really read, or at least a little, it’s difficult but it’s exciting. The book’s about a dog. Ian? Did Mickey tell you that they’re standing in front of that water in the fairy tale? I ask myself what they'll do. If there’s a way to get over that long river.”

“I don’t know, Mands.” Ian wrapped his arms around Mandy and hugged her tightly “I really don’t know.”

“Ian, you crush me.” Mandy laughed and freed herself from Ian’s hug “I need to go back to my book.”

She left to her room, left to a story about a dog, a dog that wasn’t gray.

Ian thought about what Trevor said about those gray dogs, _'No matter how well you train them, you can't rid of their wild side. The dog thought he needed to protect his family...us...'_

Mickey was that dog.

“Mandy?” he shouted while he took of his shoes in the hall “Where did he go?”

“He went grocery shopping.” Mandy shouted back “I’m sure he’ll be right back. I need to read now.”

Ian didn’t take off his coat, he went to the bathroom and closed the door behind him. The box was on the shelf like always. It was no proof if it was empty, he could carry that gun with him.

Ian grabbed the box and placed it on the washing machine and opened it. Drugs, lots of drugs, but not that kind he was selling, a clinical thermometer, package inserts… Ian exhaled relieved, there was no gun in that box.

He put a few blisters away, the box was deep, then his fingers felt something.

A folded piece of paper, Ian pulled it out, there was dried blood on it. It was a letter.

The front door opened, there were steps in the hall, Ian wanted to put the box back on its place, but at that moment the bathroom door opened, Ian took a step back.

“Ian?” Mickey said surprised.

 

Ian couldn’t move, he stood there frozen in the tiniest bathroom in the world. He saw how Mickey’s glance wandered down to his hand, his fingers were still holding the letter. Mickey’s pupils had their normal size again but he looked tired.

“So you found it, huh?” Mickey nodded towards Ian's hand, his voice was small and quiet.

“I fucking found Natasha’s grave in the forest.” Ian found his voice again, but why did he speak so quiet, why didn’t he speak louder?

“The thaw set in.” Mickey slowly nodded.

“The boars dug up the ground.” Why did he tell him that? To play for time? Time for what?  
“She never called. She never withdrew money. She was lying the whole time buried in the forest.”

“Yeah, I told you the white cat is sleeping.”

“Mands…” Ian began.

“Is sleeping, she fell asleep over her new book. The book with the dog.” Mickey smiled, it was no evil smile, it was a smile Ian still loved.

There where lines of a song from Monica’s old records in his head:

 _I loved you for a long, long time_  
_I know this love is real_  
_It don't matter how it all went wrong_  
That don't change the way I feel  
_And I can't believe that time is_  
_Gonna heal this wound I'm speaking of_  
_There ain't no cure,_  
_there ain't no cure,_  
_there ain't no cure for love_

“Mick, please...” Ian swallowed hard “...tell me... please tell me the whole story before ... before you kill me.”

“Are you fucking nuts?” Mickey scoffed with raised eyebrows.

“Yes.”

“You really think I’m gonna fucking kill you?”

“Yes. I didn’t believe this whole shit for a long time… I guess I just didn’t want to believe it… but now I believe it. Everything fits together and it all makes sense. And I found her fucking grave.”

“Are you scared?”

“Yeah.” Ian said “Of course I am. But does it matter?”

“You’re right, it doesn’t matter if you’re scared or not, bad things happen anyways.”

 

Mickey took a step in the tiny bathroom, Ian wanted to take a step back, but there was no room left in there.

“Why Mick? Why did you kill her?”

Mickey sat down at the edge of the bath tub and breathed “I assume you didn’t read the piece of paper in your hand?”

Ian glanced down on his hand and shook his head, Mickey took a deep breath, grabbed the paper from Ian’s hand, unfolded it and handed it back to Ian.

Ian looked confused at him, Mickey raised his eyebrows and nodded towards the paper to indicate he should go on and read it.

Ian's his hands were shaking, he swallowed hard before he took his eyes off of Mickey and looked down at the paper and started to read...

 _Dear Mick,_  
_Dear Ams,_

 _we all have to leave at some point,_  
_we all know very well how life ends._  
_I made many bad choices in my life,_  
_but this choice is what’s best for all of us._  
_For you, for Ams and for me._

 _Mick, I know this hurts you, though you_  
pretend _it doesn’t. I always loved you,_  
though I couldn’t _show it very well._  
I loved you and Ams _with all my heart._  
But sometimes even love _isn't enough_  
to keep someone alive.

 _I’m sorry for being a miserable mother,_  
I’ve _never been there for you when you_  
needed me the most. _Mick, I’m sorry for_  
not believing you, I’m sorry this _monster_  
ruined your life and took your innocence.

 _I’m sorry for leaving you, but I think it’s_  
what’s best. _Mick, you’ve always been more_  
a parent to Ams than I was, I know you're  
gonna take care of my baby very well. _I bet you_  
would've found _better words than I did. You  
always had all those_ _beautiful words, Mick._

_Take care. I love you._

  
A tear fell down on the paper, Ian looked up to Mickey, the other boy sat there, he looked crushed and broken, he looked as miserable as Ian felt.

A silence washed over the tiny bathroom, a deafening silence, Ian thought about the famously silence before the storm.

“She killed herself…” Ian breathed and broke the silence.

Mickey nodded and said quietly “There was a lot of blood…everywhere was blood. On my hands, on her hands, on my shirt, on my face, the whole fucking bathroom was tinted red. The drops of blood looked like poppies, a field of red poppies on the white tiles. An ocean of blood, a red infinite ocean... Mandy was already sleeping when I found our mum."

Mickey took a deep breath before he went on "She cut her wrists, long and deep cuts on both arms, I guess she wanted to make sure… you know. Blind white cat - egoistic bitch. She didn’t think about us, not a second, though she wrote it in that fucking letter - she wrote she loved us, but it never felt like she did. She just ran away from her own fucking problems, she ran away from her fucked up life, from alcohol, from drugs – she took the easiest way out for her.”

A tear was running down Mickey’s cheek and he quickly wiped it away, Ian knew Mickey didn’t want to cry for his mother, probably he had cried enough for her when she was alive.

“I brought her out to the forest, we used to go for walks there when I was a kid. She loved it there, she loved wood anemones. But that was all before that fucking bastard Terry stepped in her life. I thought, someone would see me - I was so fucking sure, someone would see me. I almost wished for it, but no one saw me. On that day the isle sunk and the sea was red.”

 

More tears followed the one which landed on the paper in Ian’s hand. Ian wiped them away and looked Mickey in the eyes, those beautiful pale blue eyes, full with the ice of a deep frozen ocean.

Mickey darted his tongue out to wet his lips and asked “You really thought I fucking killed her?”

Ian just nodded, he didn’t know what to say, he had no words. Not even Mickey seemed to find any words, though he knew all those beautiful words, but apparently all of them were already used up, it seemed like there were only ugly words left.

'But did you kill Terry? And Jimmy?' that was what he should’ve asked but Ian didn't want to know that yet, there was another question he wanted to ask first “What did Natasha mean by ‘this monster ruined your life and took your innocence’?”

Mickey exhaled loudly, he bit down his bottom lip and closed his eyes, when he opened them again, Ian could see the dark frightening depth in them “I was ten years old, when Terry moved in. I knew someday he would catch me alone. I was so fucking scared but it didn’t matter, it happened anyways. Mum didn’t believe me, she just said I had a lot of fantasy. She finally had a man who wanted to stay and she wouldn't let me ruin that. The first time was here in that bathroom. Right here. On some days I can't fucking believe how this bathroom can still exist, after all what happened. But it just kept existing like nothing happened.”

“So he…” Ian breathed.

“Yes he did. You don’t need to speak it out, it wouldn't change what happened. She didn’t even believe me after it actually happened. She accused me of lying, said I was just telling stories. It took a while 'til she finally threw him out. I was twelve when he finally left.”

"Now I understand…” Ian said quietly “Why you did all those things. Why you killed him.”

“What the fuck Ian? Yeah I’m a fucking rent boy and I acted aggressive towards you 'cause of that whole shit… and I was scared he would take Mandy away and do the same to her. But I didn’t fucking kill him. I already told you I don’t have a fucking gun and I can’t fucking shoot. The last time I saw Terry was when he came here and we were fighting.”

Ian slowly nodded, Mickey stood up and leaned against the wall “On Trevor’s record you said something about 'gritting your teeth'.”

“Yeah, does it make any sense? It has something to do with inhibition threshold, I guess. If Terry wouldn't have done those things to me I would've never come up with the idea to say yes... Someday someone asked me, in a club. It was a while after the shit with Terry. I don't even know how old I was. Fifteen? Don't ask why I was in a club with fifteen, the ID was probably not mine. You won't believe it, but I was a quite pretty boy... and those blue eyes.” he laughed bitterly and shook his head.

“That's when I realized that you can get money for it. That you don't need to suffer without an equivalent. It was a total fucking revelation. What happened with Terry, happened anyway and I survived. I survived two years with him in this apartment so I realized I could survive anything. And you see, I fucking survived. Later it weren't clubs anymore, there are other places... pretty much all of them drive out to the parking lot at road 96. Fucking long drive with the bike, but...”

Mickey stopped and looked in Ian's eyes, Ian slowly nodded again, he still didn't know what to say, and he wanted Mickey to speak, he wanted the other boy to spit out every little detail of his fucked up life.

Mickey ran his fingers over his eyes and pressed his lips together, Ian saw that he was fighting back his tears. Ian wanted to wrap his arms around the other boy and take all the pain away from him, but he knew it wasn't the right time to touch Mickey yet.

Ian knitted his eyebrows, he was searching for the right words, but no matter how he arranged them in his head, they sounded so fucking wrong. Too wrong for that conversation in that tiny bathroom.

“It seems like today's not really the day of questions, huh?” Mickey laughed “I ask the next question for you, okay?”

Ian nodded again, it seemed like his body was just able to move his fucking head up and down, like a fucking nodding dog.

“When I didn't shot James, excuse me Jimmy, why did I make that trip with Mandy? Why did I want to go into hiding?” Mickey asked.

Ian shrugged, he didn't know the fucking answer, but he was sure Mickey would change that soon.

“Because I was fucking embarrassed and I did something completely stupid.” Mickey laughed, Ian knitted his eyebrows, why was Mickey embarrassed? Did Jimmy found out what Mickey was doing during the nights?

“I thought Jimmy was someone you can make a deal with. I thought he was the type of guy searching for an adventure aside his job, I mean he seemed pretty fucking gay and he seemed corrupt, but I was fucking wrong. I offered to go with him, for free. I would've done everything, you know, everything so he would leave us alone... He said I'm a pretty boy but not really his type and he fucking laughed at me. Then he said that he doesn't like how protective I’m over Mandy, he said I would love her a little too much for his taste. Can you believe that shit? He really fucking thought I would do that to Mandy. Yeah I punched his face, and fuck it felt pretty good, but I didn't kill him.”

Ian nodded again, there was the fucking nodding dog again. Ian exhaled loudly and asked “What about Mr. Miller?”

“Mr. Miller? Fuck, he started following me two days before he fell through the ice, he thought I wouldn't notice, but I did. So I took him to task, that was a day before that shit with the ice happened. I fucking yelled at him like a psycho but I wasn't there when it happened, Ian. I was... out there... you understand?”

“Yeah, yeah I understand." Ian said quickly, he didn't want to hear where or with whom Mickey had been. Ian scratched his eyebrow with his thumb and asked "So that's the truth, huh?”

“Yeah it's the fucking truth, Ian.” Mickey said “You really thought I killed them and you're next?”

“For a short second yeah. So what are we gonna do now?”

“I don't know. You tell me. It's over, Ian. They need a culprit and that's gonna be me. I have a fucking connection to all of them, so I guess it doesn't matter if I really killed them or not. Everything fits perfect together. That's how it's gonna be - Mikhailo Aleksandr Milkovich the murderer - case closed. It's all fucking over.” Mickey walked out to the living room.

Ian closed his eyes for a second, took a deep breath, stepped out the tiny bathroom and followed him.

Mickey was standing there in the living room, his hands in front of his face, Ian took a step towards him, laid his hands on his and put them away from his face, he smiled at the other boy and said “Not for me. It's just the fucking beginning. We're only seventeen.”

Ian wrapped his hands around him and hugged him tightly.

“So you're not gonna leave? I'm a rent boy and a total fuck up, and soon I'll be a fucking prisoner.”

“What? Of course I'm not gonna leave. How could I leave you?” Ian whispered in Mickey's ear. He added three little words, very quiet words, right beside Mickey's ear, Mickey could barely hear them, he just felt his breath. I love you.

A little quiet laugh escaped Mickey's mouth “The fuck did you just say?”

Ian let go of him, gently brushed his fingers through his black hair and repeated those words “I love you, Mick.”

Mickey laid his hand on Ian's cheek and caressed it gently, he leaned forward and kissed him, the kiss was desperate, a kiss full with the sharp edge where the ice broke and the thaw water was flowing in a long river in front of the onshore.

“I love you too, Ian.” Mickey breathed on Ian's lips.

Ian smiled “We'll find a solution. Everything's gonna be fine.”

Ian knew what that solution was, but at that moment something different was more important and it happened somehow automatically.

 

The most unlikely of all things. Maybe it happened because all things were spoken out, because there were no secrets between them anymore, no lies, no distrust, nothing. Ian felt Mickey's hands underneath his shirt, cautious, tentative, and hesitant, he didn't force those hands to anything he gave them time. Ian thought about his dream with the white sails on deck of the green ship.

Ian twisted out of his clothes, got tangled up in them and laughed, and eventually they sat there naked on the couch. Mickey's pale blue eyes were shining, his cheeks were slightly flushed, he looked so carefree and kinda innocent, he was fucking beautiful. Mickey sat on Ian's lap in a not so innocent way, and Ian hoped that Mandy really was sound asleep.

'KiS.' Ian thought about the writing on that dirty window.

“Wait a second.” Mickey whispered, and for a short moment Ian thought something was wrong again. Mickey's hand was searching for something in the gap between sofa cushions beside them. A short square package. Ian laughed again, without any noise. That was all. A condom. Of course.

Ian didn't want to think why Mickey was hiding condoms there and what he already had done on that couch, it killed his laughter and at the same time he wanted to extend himself to a big wide creature which would protect Mickey from all the bad in the world. Never again. You'll never have to share this couch with anyone who gives you money for it. You will never have to....

“Hey Ian, everything okay? You're crying.” Mickey wiped away Ian's tears with his thumbs “We don't need to...”

Ian slightly shook his head and kissed Mickey, he couldn't stop his tears, but he wanted it, he wanted Mickey so bad.

Mickey was still sitting on his lap, Ian knew how to use a condom, theoretically, but of course Mickey knew what he was doing.

Mickey kissed Ian again, he leaned his forehead against Ian's and breathed “Okay?”

“Okay.” Ian smiled, Mickey's hand wandered back down to Ian's erection, he guided him and it was all so fucking easy, like gliding with skates over the ice, there was no pain, no pushing away, no blood. There was a common rhythm, this time Mickey leaded Ian's fingers, showed him where to put them.

 _I don't associate tenderness with it ... just violence …_ but there was no violence anymore. Mickey realized something, he was able to do it, without gritting his teeth, he was able to be tender.

God, and he was so fucking tender, Ian closed his eyes, he almost melted under Mickey's touches. Ian's tears ran dry.

Behind Ian's closed eye lids he saw the color green, not blue, but green, like the ocean under the ice. He didn't know that sex had a color.

The color caused ripples, it foamed and whirled upwards, and everything was right, everything was good, and maybe, Ian thought, that color could cover everything else, the wrong, the bad, everything what happened – the fear stuck to the tiles in the bathroom, face punches, Trevor’s announcement and its content, Mickey’s desperate fear Mandy would experience the same he did.

The wave of green ocean color would come thick and fast, he was feeling it…

“Ian.” Mickey breathed.

Ian opened his eyes and looked at him, frozen in the middle of their movement.

“If something… If I can’t be here anymore.” he whispered, Ian thought about the cold gray walls of a courthouse and penal institutions, he didn’t want to think about that, not now.

“If I can’t be here anymore… what happens to Mandy? She really likes Monica, your mum…”

“My parents would adopt her…” Ian said “Right away.”

Mickey nodded and closed his eyes, and Ian closed his eyes as well, and the green wave washed over them a few seconds later. Not exactly simultaneously – at the same time was always a lie, but the waves of the ocean, in which they swam were close enough to wave from one to the other.

They sat there for a long while, close, they breathed the same breath in and out, they warmed each other in that last piece of winter.

‘I’m so fucking happy.’ Ian thought and he hoped Mickey could feel that somehow.

Mickey leaned his forehead on Ian’s and whispered “Beautiful moment…”

“… do not pass away.” Ian breathed on Mickey’s lips.

 

“No you can’t do this, Ian. I’m not gonna let you go.” Mickey protested.

“Mick calm down, I know what I’m doing…” Ian said while he put on his jacket and shoes.

“What if… I don't even wanna think about it... No I can’t let you go there. I’m doing it.” Mickey said and put on his green military parka.

Ian laid his hand on Mickey’s shoulder and said “Mick, I handle this. I might have to do things I don’t want to do, but…just let me handle this, please Mick.”

Ian could see the protest in his blue eyes but Mickey nodded “Okay. But if you’re not out there again in less than an hour I’m gonna come and get your ass outta there.”

“Okay do that.” Ian laughed, and placed a kiss on Mickey’s lips.

Ian opened the door, but turned around another time “Mick?”

“Huh?”

“I love you.” Ian smirked at the other boy.

“Take care.” Mickey said and Ian closed the door behind him, he stood there for a few seconds, took a deep breath and left down the stairs, left the apartment at Amundsen Street behind him.

 

 

“Ian?” Trevor said when he opened the door.

“Trev, can I come in?” Ian said between his tears.

“Yeah of course. Sure.” Trevor stepped aside and let Ian in, he closed the door behind him.

Ian stood there in the hall of Trevor's house, tears were streaming down his face.

“Hey, hey... what's wrong...” Trevor stepped up to Ian and laid his hand on Ian's arm.

Ian looked at Trevor and wrapped his arms around the other boy “Mickey... he...I...”

“What did he do?” Trevor whispered in Ian's ear.

“He killed those people, Trev.” Ian sniffed.

Trevor stayed silent, he just nodded.

“I thought the whole time it wasn't him... I wanted to believe he's not the murderer... but everything fits together... he has a connection to all three of them... I just wanted so bad that he didn't kill those people... I fell for him, I trusted him... and I sle...”

Ian could feel that Trevor's body became tense, he let go of Ian and looked at him with knitted eyebrows.

“Ian you... you two had...?” Trevor stuttered.

Ian just nodded and another flood of tears were streaming down his cheeks, Ian could see a glimpse of fire in Trevor's brown eyes, just for a short second, but it was definitely there.

“Can I stay here for a little while? I don't want to go home… I just…” Ian asked, wiping away his tears.

“Yeah sure, come on in.” Trevor said, Ian shed off his shoes and jacket and followed Trevor to his room.

 

Trevor sat down on his bed, Ian sat down beside him and let his upper body fall on the mattress, he glanced at the ceiling and whispered "The whole time I backed the wrong horse."

"Huh?" Trevor turned a little to Ian and raised his eyebrows.

"Trev, you were always there for me and I didn't appreciate it. You just wanted what's best for me. You've always been my safety net."

Trevor smiled, looked down and played nervously with his fingers. Ian slowly turned his head and looked at him "Trev, you're such a good guy, nice and caring, you're so different than him."

Ian sniffed before he continued "I really thought he loved me, but I guess someone like him isn't able to love. I thought there is another Mickey, you know the guy who takes care of his little sister and has all those beautiful words... but you know what? I'm just fucking stupid..."

"You really love him, don't you? Though he killed those people." Trev asked and brushed his hand over Ian's red hair.

Ian nodded "Yes I do. I know it'll take time, but I'll get over him and Trev I can learn to love you the way you deserve it." Ian looked in Trevor's eyes, got up from his lying position and placed a kiss on his lip.

Trevor didn’t kiss Ian back, he turned his head a little and said "You think you can learn to love me? Did you really just say _learn_?"

Ian laid his hand on Trevor’s cheek and gently caressed it "Trev, that's not what I meant...just..."

Trevor suddenly jumped up from his bed and threw his arms in the air "Fuck no, that's exactly what you said. Jesus Ian, do you even realize what I did for you? What I've been through? I watched you and Milkovich and it broke my fucking heart. I did everything for you and you still choose him over me. You even love him though he's a fucking rent boy, who goes home with gross old men and let them do whatever they want to him. He even offered himself to that Jimmy guy from the SSO."

"Trev, yeah I made a fucking wrong choice, but can't we just..." Ian stood up from the bed and took a step towards Trevor.

"Ian, do you even realize how fucking much I love you?" Trevor ran his fingers through his hair "I did so fucking much for you, I tried really hard to get rid of that fucked up asshole and you still fucking love him."

"What do mean you tried to get rid of him?" Ian asked with knitted eyebrows.

"Oh Ian, yeah Milkovich is a rent boy, but unfortunately he's not a killer." Trevor smiled, it was an awkward smile, it was a fucking scary smile.

"Trev, what are you talking about?" Ian asked confused.

"Come on Ian, Milkovich isn't the killer. I killed James Lishman and fucking buried him in the sand at the beach of Eldena." Trevor blurt out.

"Yeah I know." Ian nodded and pressed his lips together.

"What? Are you fucking kidding me?" Trevor eyes widened a little.

"You folllowed me and I'll probably never know wherelse. And appearently you followed Mickey as well. I mean how else would you know that Mickey had a connection to James Lishman? And it was odd that you called him Jimmy, his handle was never mentioned in any news." Ian shrugged and raised one of his eyebrows.

Trevor slightly shook his head and said "Detective Gallagher, huh? What are you gonna do now? Are you scared?"

"Yeah I'm scared, but it doesn't matter, if you want to kill me you do it anyways no matter if I'm scared or not. I called the police before I came here. I bet they'll be here at any minute and you're gonna tell them the truth." Ian said "And you know what Trev, you're not the only one who can record with his fucking phone." Ian pulled his phone out of his pocket and winked at Trevor.

Trevor sank down on his bed, he laid his head in his hands and Ian heard him silently sobbing, Ian looked down at the other boy, he didn't feel a glimpse of pity, all he felt was disgust.

The sound of police sirens was coming nearer, Ian began to slowly relax, soon it would be over. Winter would finally be gone and spring would come.

Ian startled when he heard a loud pounding on the door, he walked out Trevor's room and down the stairs, he opened the door to the police and stepped aside to let them in, he nodded towards upstairs.

Then everything happened pretty fast, they took Trevor with them. Ian was driven to the police station in a seperate car, they needed to take his statement.

When Ian entered the police station his glance fell on a boy who was sitting on one of the chairs in front of the offices, his head was leaned against the wall. Mickey.

Ian wanted to talk to him, he wanted to hug him, be by his side when he would tell the police about Natasha, but the officer shoved Ian towards his office.

He took a last look at Mickey and smiled at the other boy, Mickey caught his glance and whispered "I love you."

Then the officer closed the door behind Ian.

That day Ian walked out the police station alone, it seemed like winter wasn't about to end yet.


	19. Storyteller

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little different than the ones before and it's a bit longer but I hope you still like it. Have fun reading <3

**_"18 year old confesses murder on social officer and attempted murder on teacher_**  
  
_A 18-year-old from Greifswald confessed to have killed James L., who was found dead at the beach of Eldena about a week ago._

_Further he tried to kill Warren M., but the man fell through the ice before the 18 year old could put his plan into action._

_An arrest warrant was issued against the 18-year-old, a spokesman for the prosecutor's office Greifswald said on Tuesday. One of the reasons for his actions was jealousy._

_Before the custodial judge, the young man had confessed he had shot the 31-year-old social worker from behind and he had tried to kill a teacher from his school the same way, but the man broke through the ice and has been in a coma since then, said the prosecutor's office._

_The arrest warrant was issued because of suspicion of murder, the young man was accused to have acted treacherous. The 18-year-old is in custody awaiting trial._

_'The exact events have not been clarified yet.' said the speaker of the police Greifswald._

_The police already informed on Tuesday, March 12, that the 18-year-old was an urgently suspect. The police arrested the young man on the same day._

_Someone from his immediate vicinity had informed the police. The young man was found in his parent's house on Tuesday afternoon, and he was arrested without resistance."_

  
_**"Body of a dead woman found in the forest of Eldena**_

_A stroller found the body of a dead woman in the forest of Eldena. It seemed like the body had been buried there, boars had dug up her temporary grave in the mud._

_According to the police station of Eldena it was the body of Natasha M., mother of 2 kids who disappeared about a month ago._

_The autopsy will show the cause of her death, a homicide cannot be excluded._

_According to rumors her son had been the one who buried the 36-year-old in the forest, but there's no official statement yet."_

 

Frank put the paper down and folded it when Ian walked in the kitchen and filled a mug with hot coffee.

Ian looked tired, he had dark circles under his eyes, it seemed like he didn't sleep that night, just like the other 3 nights before. Since they arrested Trevor and Mickey the boy seemed to be restless and looked like the living dead. Frank was worried about his son, he knew it wasn't Trevor, who stole Ian’s sleep.

"Good Morning, son." Frank said softly, he wanted to ask how Ian was feeling, but he swallowed that question, because he saw that his son wasn’t feeling well.

"Morning, Frank." Ian said quietly and sat down on the chair beside his father and placed the mug on the table in front of him "Put the paper away before Mands comes down for breakfast."

"I don't think she can read that good." Frank said, he smiled a little at Ian.

Ian shot a glance at him and hissed "Frank, please just put it away, okay?"

"Okay. You want to read it first?" Frank raised his eyebrows.

"No." Ian said sharp, but grabbed the paper from Frank's hand and unfolded it and spread it out on the table in front of him, he read the first sentences and scoffed "Jealousy, my ass, I call that fucking insanity.”

Frank glanced at his son and said "Maybe he was so jealous that he went insane."

Ian rolled his eyes and went on with reading, he wasn’t in the mood for Frank’s fucking comments that morning so he decided to ignore them.

When he finished the two articles, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath "Dad?"

"Yes?"

"Did you hear anything from Hermann?" Ian folded the paper and threw it in the box for wastepaper.

Frank slightly nodded and took off his glasses "Don’t worry, she can stay with us for now, Hermann took care of that. The whole paperwork and that meeting with her aunt and uncle will take a little time, but until then she can stay with us. She’s gonna stay, don’t worry.”

Ian nodded slowly "Okay."

 ******** **  
**May 2017****

Ian was nervously shifting in his seat, it's been already two fucking months since the last time he saw Mickey.

Two awful long months in the house with the light blue air, the only anchor who kept him from drowning was a 6-year-old girl.

Two awful months in which Mandy came almost every night to sleep in Ian’s bed ‘cause she missed her brother so much, two months of trying to comfort the 6-year-old. Two months of sleeping with Mandy curled up in his arms and trying not to cry with her, trying to be her anchor. Two months of waiting ‘til the little girl finally fell asleep and crying silently in her ebony hair.

The gray walls of the courtroom were robbing Ian’s breath, it felt like those walls would crash him at any minute, suddenly Ian longed for the light blue air in his home. He was thankful as fuck that the trial took place under exclusion from public.

When Mickey entered the room, Ian's heart sank to the ground. He looked tired and a little peaked. Ian wanted to stand up, ran towards him and hug him, comfort him and take away all his worries.

When Ian was called to the witness stand, his hands were sweating and shaking, he could barely manage to stand on his feet. Testifying against Trevor wasn't half as hard as that statement he had to take there, though nothing he would say, would incriminate Mickey in any way.

Ian was speaking his words down like a machine, he answered the questions of the judge and the lawyers. Later he could barely remember what he even said, but it seemed he chose the right words.

Mickey was sitting in the witness stand and told the judge and every attendant in the courtroom about what happened on the night of the 14th February – how he found Natasha, why he didn’t call an ambulance and buried her in the forest of Eldena. He told them about his fear that Terry would get custody for Mandy, about his fear he would do the same to his little sister what he did to him.

Ian wished so bad he could put his earphones on and let the white noise wash or Leonard Cohen's deep voice over him, keeping away those ugly words from his mind.

 _And quiet is the thought of you_  
_The file on you complete_  
_Except what we forgot to do_  
_A thousand kisses deep_

When Mickey finished his statement, Ian quickly wiped away the tears from his face, the words were even more hurting when he heard them for the second time, they definitely hadn’t lost their sharp cutting edges.

After a 15 minutes break the judge declared Mickey's penalty. 12 months juvie - stealing, ABH, burying his dead mother, misleading and constrain of authorities. Ian didn’t know that Mickey already had a fucking police record. The judge also proposed a therapy during the prison term, to process the happenings of his past.

Ian closed his eyes and took a deep breath, when he would open his eyes he would wake up in his bed and all that shit had only been a fucking exhausting nightmare. But when he opened his eyes, he was still sitting in the cold, gray courtroom.

His world shattered, somehow he was hoping for a different end, but then he remembered, they left _hope_ behind a while ago and life wasn't a beautiful fairy tale with bright colors and shit, life was hard and painful, like a punch in the face.

 ******** **  
_June 2017_**

"Mick." Ian breathed, he was finally allowed to see him, though it was through fucking glass, but it was better than not seeing him at all.

"Hey Ian." Mickey had a slight smile on his lips, he was looking better than in the courtroom about a month ago.

“How are you?” Ian asked. What a stupid question. How should he be? Ian rolled his eyes internally about his stupid question.

"Better now." Mickey smiled at him, Ian laid his hand on the glass and smiled softly, he wished so bad the glass would disappear for just a second so he could feel Mickey’s warm skin.

“Take your hand off the glass.” Mickey rolled his eyes and slightly shook his head, but there was still a smile on his lips “They don’t need to fucking know in here.”

“Oh.” Ian understood, pulled away his hand and chuckled.

Suddenly something changed about Mickey’s expression, the smile faded and he took a deep breath “I’m only gonna say this once, okay?”

“Huh?” Ian raised one of his eyebrows.

“Ian listen, I’m not gonna repeat this, it’s too fucking…” Mickey exhaled loudly before he went on “Don’t fucking wait for me, okay? Carry on with your life, the world doesn’t stop spinning cause I’m in here. Go to college, go on a journey, please do fucking something, but don’t sit at home on the front porch knitting or whatever and waiting for me. Go on with your life and don’t only survive from one visit to the next. Live. Please.”

"Mick…I can’t…” Ian's eyes were tearing up, what was he supposed to say to that? Was Mickey telling him with those words he shouldn't come and visit him again? That he should forget about him, find someone else?

"Yes you can and you fucking will. Please do that for me." Mickey looked in Ian’s green eyes, his pale blue eyes were tolerating no dissent.

Ian swallowed hard and wiped away a tear before he whispered “Okay.”

 _And if you've got to sleep a moment on the road_  
_I will steer for you_  
_And if you want to work the street alone_  
_I'll disappear for you_  
_If you want a father for your child_  
_Or only want to walk with me a while_  
_Across the sand_  
_I'm your man_  
_If you want a lover_  
_I'll do anything that you ask me to_  
_And if you want another kind of love,  
  I'll wear a mask for you._

Mickey slowly nodded and put the hearer down. All that seemed to happen in fucking slow motion. He stood up from the seat and looked in Ian’s eyes, Ian could see that the ice from a few seconds ago was melting. Mickey's eyes were telling him _‘I’m sorry, I just want what’s best for you.’_

Mickey left and the glass became blurred in front of Ian’s eyes, it took a while ‘til he finally put the hearer down. He wiped away the tears and left the building with quick steps and a sunken head.

 ******** **  
_July 2017_**

One week since Mickey somehow told him he shouldn’t come and visit him again. One week in which he stood in front of the prison every fucking single day, staring at it, hoping Mickey would change his fucking mind. But that day he stepped in the building, walked through the security control and stood in front of a woman behind a big desk.

"Hello. Ian Gallagher, I'm here to visit Mikhailo Aleksandr Milkovich." Ian said friendly and handed his ID to her.

"I'm afraid Mr. Milkovich put you down from the visitor list, Mr. Gallagher." the woman said with a bored voice and looked from the screen to Ian.

"Pardon me? What?" Ian raised his eyebrows.

"I'm sorry Mr. Gallagher." the woman said, she handed him back his ID and her eyes wandered to the screen again, considering their conversation was done.

Ian stood there for another moment and slightly shook his head. He went out the building and he had the fucking urge to kick something so fucking hard, he wanted to destroy every fucking thing in his way.

Mickey really did it, he put him down from the visitor list, he really fucking did that shit.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Ian sat down at the curb and buried his face in his hands, his shoulders were heaving up and down, he was sitting there sobbing and crying, he didn't know that this whole mess could get any worse.  

 

 

One month ago Mickey said he didn’t want Ian to come back and visit him again. One month of lying in bed at night, staring at the ceiling and asking himself why the other boy did that.

One month in which the light blue air in the house seemed to get darker and thicker with every minute passing by. One month of Mandy coming to his room at night, sitting down on the edge of his bed and gently brushing over his red hair, comforting him. This little girl was truly his anchor, she saved him from drowning in that blue air, the little queen and her diamond heart.

Ian’s thoughts were interrupted by Karen snapping her fingers in front of his face “Hello? I'm talking to you, honey."

Ian woke up from his daydreaming and asked "What? Sorry."

“Did you already choose a College?” Karen asked again with a soft smile on her lips.

"No. Actually I’m not even planning to graduate this year.” Ian answered.

“And your parents are okay with that?” Karen raised her eyebrows.

Ian just nodded, he talked about it with Frank and Monica and they were okay with it, they didn’t want to push their son, after all he had been through. And Ian loved them for being that understanding.

“So I’m not planning to go to College this year, I’m thinking about taking a gap year. What do you think about travelling around Europe a little with me?” Karen smiled at him.

“What about Lip?” Ian knitted his eyebrows.

“No Lip, just you and me and the train around Europe.” Karen winked “Come on that will be fun. Ian, I know you’re sad and stuff, but you need to get your ass out of that mess for a little while. You’ve been crying the last three months, now it’s time to dry those fucking tears. He’s not fucking dead, he’s just in prison, and he’ll be out in eight months. Let’s do something and you’ll see time will fly by.”

“What if he doesn’t want to see me when he’s out?” Ian said quietly.

“Bullshit, of course he wants to see you, he’s just afraid that you would do what you’re doing right now - you stopped your life because he’s in there, but he wants you to enjoy your life or at least live your life. I bet he doesn’t want you to sit around and wait ‘til he comes back.” Karen laid her hand on Ian’s and squeezed it slightly “He loves you. And he wants what’s best for you. And I want that too.”

 ******** **  
**August 2017****

“We’re going on this trip, no excuses, you hear me?“ Karen stood with her hands on her hips in front of Ian. Ian needed to hold back his laughter, Karen looked like a little girl, she looked like Mandy.  
“Frank and Monica are okay with it.”

Ian raised his hands in defense and sighed “Okay, fine.”

“Really?” Karen seemed to be surprised that Ian actually said yes “That’s gonna be fucking awesome I swear to God. First we’re going to Spain or Italy or France….”

Karen’s voice faded, Ian was thankful as fuck that she would organize that whole trip and shit, he couldn’t focus on that at the moment. Mandy was visiting Mickey at that right moment, he wanted to see her, but not him.

“…and we absolutely need to go to Amsterdam. Fuck, I’m so excited.” Karen babbled and walked up and down the living room.

“Kary?” Ian interrupt her and smiled.

“Huh?”

Ian stood up from the couch and pulled Karen in a tight hug “Thank you for doing this. I love you.”

“Anytime, honey. I love you too.“

 

 

3 little girls and 2 little boys were running around in the backyard of the Gallagher house, Monica was in the kitchen preparing snacks for the kids, Frank withdrew to his office to work through a few patient records.

Ian walked down the stairs and looked out the window, searching for the birthday girl “Mum, where's Mands?”

“Isn't she out there with the other kids?” Monica peeked out of the kitchen.

“Hmm no. I'm gonna look for her.” Ian said and Monica nodded.

Ian went out in the garden and asked one of the kids where Mandy was, the little girl said that Mandy went inside a few minutes ago and ran back to the other kids.

Ian went back in the house, climbed the stairs and walked towards Mandy's room.

The little girl was sitting on her bed and looking down on her hands, when Ian opened the door she looked up and quickly wiped away a tear from her cheek.

“Mands? What's wrong? Were the other kids mean or something?” Ian asked softly and walked up to her.

Mandy slightly shook her head and sniffed “No.”

Ian kneed down beside her and gently stroke her arm “You miss him huh?”

Mandy nodded, Ian pulled her in a hug and brushed over her black hair “Me too Mands. Me too. But you know what? I have something for you, maybe it makes you feel a little better.”

Mandy looked at Ian with knitted eyebrows, Ian smiled at her, stood up and quickly walked to his room and came back with a box with a big pink bow on it.

“For me?” Mandy asked with wide eyes.

“Yeah, it's your birthday, right?” Ian smiled and placed the box on her bed.

Mandy slowly opened the box, looked in it and grabbed out what was in the box.

She looked with wide eyes at the gray stuffed animal, her glance wandered to Ian and suddenly she wrapped her arms around him.

Ian laughed “So you like it? I thought he could protect you and take care of you 'til your real sea lion comes back.”

“I love it. Thank you Ian.” Mandy beamed at him.

 ******** **  
**September 2017****

Ian was standing with Karen at the train station waiting for their train to come, waiting for their journey to begin, when his phone went off and interrupt Karen's babbling.

“Sorry Kary, I need to take that call.” Ian said, his heart was racing, it was Monica, and God he hoped she had fucking good news.

“Mum?” Ian answered the phone.

“Darling?” Monica said, and Ian could hear that she was smiling and before his mother could say it, he knew everything went fine with Mandy's aunt and uncle “Mandy's officially our foster child now.” Ian could hear that Monica was fucking happy that everything was eventually official, Ian knew that Monica had been scared that they would take Mandy away from their family, but thank God Frank's friend Hermann handled all that for them.

“That's fucking great, mum. I'm so happy. Give Mandy a hug and a kiss from me, okay? And tell her I found her gift in my backpack and I love it.” Ian said smiling, playing with his new key fob, a little gray sea lion.

“Yeah I'll do that. Take care and have a great journey, darling. We love you.” Monica said.

“Thanks mom. You too. Bye.”

“Bye.”

 

 

“Hey little girl, you're getting big. How was first day of school?” Mickey smiled at his little sister.

“It was pretty cool, I got a new teacher, you know. I think I might like her, we'll see. How are you?” the little girl said.

“I'm doing better.” Mickey said “What do you have down there in your hands?”

“Oh that's a sea lion. Ian gave it to me on my birthday.” Mandy held the sea lion up to show the stuffed animal to Mickey “Ian said he would protect me and take care of me 'til my real sea lion comes back.”

Mickey smiled at his little sister, he felt a sting in his heart when he heard the other boy's name, he wanted to ask Mandy how he was doing but he didn't know how, but Mandy took that off him when she said “Ian went on a journey with Karen, Monica said they would travel across Europe so I bought him a little sea lion who will protect him.” Mandy smiled at her brother and Mickey mirrored her smile.

He was fucking happy that Ian was making that journey, though a part of him wished he could be the one who was joining him, but he was relieved that Ian finally got his ass up and did something else than sit at home and wait for him.

“Tell him to take care, okay?”

“Yeah, sure. And that you miss him.” Mandy grinned.

“Yeah.” Mickey slightly nodded.

“Oh I almost forgot to tell you something.” Mandy suddenly blurt out “Since yesterday I'm officially a member of the Gallagher family. It went all well with aunt Molly and uncle Rick.”

“That's great Mandy.” Mickey beamed at the little girl, that took a load off his mind, the last couple of days he couldn't sleep 'cause he was afraid that Rick and Molly would take Mandy away from the Gallaghers .

The visiting time was nearly over, Mandy waved Mickey goodbye, took Frank's hand and walked out, Monica smiled at the boy behind the glass, grabbed the hearer and raised it to her ear.

Mickey darted his tongue out to wet his lips and said “Thank you, Monica. Thanks for taking care of her.”

Monica nodded and smiled softly “She's a great little girl.”

“Yeah she really is.” Mickey nodded "Monica?"

“Yes.” Monica raised on of her eyebrows.

“How is he?” Mickey whispered.

“Better. I think that trip with Karen will be good for him, processing all those things, you know.” she smiled reassuring at him.

“Good, that's good.” Mickey slowly nodded.

“Yeah it is. How are you doing?” Mickey could see that she really wanted to know, she wasn't just trying to be polite.

“I'm feeling better, though I miss Mandy and him every single day...” Mickey said honestly.

“They miss you too, Mickey. And they love you, don't forget that.” Mickey was a little surprised about Monica's open and heartwarming words, but he was thankful as fuck for them.

Mickey nodded and ran his fingers over his eyes, trying to stop the tears from falling down “Thanks Monica.”

 ******** **  
**October 2017****

"Hello?" Monica took the call.

"Hi mum." Ian greeted his mother.

"Ian, darling. How are you?" Ian could hear her smiling.

"I'm fine, thanks. How's it going at home?" Ian asked.

"We're doing great, Ian. Where are you? How's Karen?"

"Uhm we're in Italy, it's still pretty warm here. Yeah she's driving those Italian guys crazy." Ian laughed.

Monica joined in Ian's laughter and asked "What about you, did you also find a nice Italian guy?"

"Mum, I don't think I want to talk about Italian guys with you. And no." Ian rolled his eyes.

"I was just joking, darling. Did you check the news today?" Monica asked carefully.

"Yeah I did." Ian nodded. When he opened the newspaper app that morning and read the obituary his heart skipped a beat, he left Karen alone in the hotel room and went on a walk, put his earphones on, Cohen's deep voice was singing in his ears, he needed a moment to grieve alone for Mr. Miller. Maybe, just maybe he would find Natasha there wherever he was now and they would slowly dance to one of his old Cohen records.

Ian's thoughts were interrupt by Monica's soft voice "Oh Ian, Mandy wants to talk to you." Ian could hear that Monica gave the phone to the little girl.

"Ian?" Mandy's voice asked.

"Hey Mands. How are you doing? How's school?" Ian asked her.

"Hey Ian. I'm fine thanks. School is pretty exciting but also very exhausting. But I love it."

"That's great Mands. Did you get my postcards?"

"Yeah I got them, thank you. When will you be back home?" Mandy asked.

"Soon Mands. Soon." Ian answered.

"Okay I already miss you, you know." her voice sounded a little sad now.

"I miss you too, Mands." Ian said honestly.

"Ian?"

"Yeah?"

"Mickey told me to tell you something."

"Yeah?" Ian's heart was racing, what did the other boy have to say to him?

"He said you should take care and he misses you."

Ian closed his eyes and took a deep breath before he said "Tell him I'll can do that. And I miss him too."

"Yeah."

"Mands, I gotta go, or else Karen will be kidnapped by one of these Italian creeps."

"Okay, bye Ian. Love you."

"Love you, Mands, bye."

 

 

It had been the first time in months that Ian played on his guitar and since months the guitar felt right in his arms, he was playing the soft notes of a Cohen song.

 _If the sun would lose its light_  
_And we lived an endless night_  
_And there was nothing left_  
_That you could feel_  
_If the sea were sand alone_  
_And the flowers made of stone_  
_And no one that you hurt_  
_Could ever heal_  
_Well that’s how broken I would be_  
_What my life would seem to me_  
_If I didn’t have your love_ _  
to make it real_

He leaned the guitar against his beach chair and felt a warm hand on his shoulder, he turned his head and looked at Karen's smiling face “You're playing again."

"Yeah." Ian nodded.

"You were pretty silent today, is everything okay?” Karen asked while she sat down in the chair next to Ian and lighted a cigarette.

Ian looked at the sunset in front of them and shrugged “I don’t know, on some days I fucking miss him so much it hurts.”

“Oh honey. I know it’s hard but there are only 110 days left.” Karen cheered him up.

“You’re counting the days?” Ian laughed a little and looked at her with raised eyebrows.

“Yeah I do, I count the days ‘til I finally see you truly and deeply happy again.” Karen laid his hand on Ian’s back and gently stroke up and down, she leaned her head on his shoulder.

“We’ll see about that.” Ian said “I still don’t know if he wants to see me when he’s out.”

“Of course he does.” Karen nodded “Ian when someone like Mickey says he misses you than he misses you, and when he says he loves then he fucking loves you.”

Ian smiled, Karen was probably right “But what if there will be that distance between us again?”

“Ian stop thinking about such stupid shit.” Karen said “He loves you and you love him. There will be no distance.”

Ian was thankful for her words, he laid his arm around her and whispered “Thank you, for all Kary. You’re truly my best friend.”

“Yes I fucking am, honey.” Karen placed a kiss on his cheek.

 

 

"Oh my God, Ian you look like a fucking cooked lobster. I told you to use sunblock." Karen barked out a laugh.

"Oh shut up, I used the fucking sunblock, but it didn't help. That shit hurts like a motherfucker." Ian cursed.

"Lay down on the bed, I'll add some aloe to your skin. You'll see it helps. It'll cool down your burnt skin a little." Karen said while she walked to the bathroom of the hotel room, Ian could hear laughing in there "...a fucking lobster."

"Stop making fun of me, bitch." Ian shouted and laughed.

"I'm so sorry, lobster." Karen walked out the bathroom with a tube of lotion in her hand and laughed again.

Ian grabbed the pillow beside him and threw it in her face.

 ******** **  
**November 2017****

Ian and Mandy were flashed from the natural spectacle above them, the sky was glowing blue and a little green, northern lights in their whole fucking beauty.

“You ever imagined that it'll be that beautiful?” Ian asked Mandy while looking at the sky.

“Beautiful? It's fucking stunning, it's breathtaking, life changing. It's fucking wow.” Karen stated, her head was leaned in her neck looking at the sky with a slightly open mouth.

Karen glanced at Ian and said with a soft smile on her face “Don't worry one day you'll sit here with him.”

Ian looked at her, smiled and nodded “That'd be fucking awesome.”

“Then you can fuck him in the shine of the northern lights, how fucking romantic would that be, huh?” Karen started to laugh.

“Oh shut up, you horny monster.” Ian boxed Karen's shoulder lightly and joined in her laughter.

 

 

“Kary, I think it's time to go back home.” Ian suddenly said while they were wandering around a museum in Norway.

“Yeah?” Karen raised her eyebrows and looked from a painting to Ian.

“Yeah I fucking miss Mandy, and she cried yesterday on the phone. I was away long enough. I feel a little guilty, I feel like I left her behind.” Ian looked to the ground.

“Ian, you didn’t leave her behind. She’s a kid, she’ll forget about it as soon as you’re back home. She has Monica. And Frank. Don’t feel guilty, you needed a little space, you needed to be away a little from that mess of the past few months. It was good that you left, it was good for you. And Mandy will forgive you, she’s such a sweet girl and she loves you.” Karen said.

“Are you coming with me?” Ian asked.

“Yeah I guess. Somehow I miss my mum and her sterile washable couch.” Karen laughed and Ian joined in.

 ******** **  
**December 2017****

“Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan.” Mandy screamed and jumped in his arms when she opened the door “I didn’t know you’d come home.”

“I wanted to surprise you. Did it work?” Ian hugged her tightly and placed a kiss on her cheek.

“Yesss.” the little girl beamed at him.

“Mandy, what?” Monica asked and peeked around the corner to the hall, her eyes widened and she let fall whatever she was holding in her hands “Ian?”

Ian smiled at her, and Monica stepped up to him, Ian put Mandy down and pulled his mother in a tight hug “Hi mom. I’m back home.”

Ian let go of his mother and she smiled at him “You look good, darling.” She caressed his cheek and added “You come right for dinner. Your dad must be home at any minute.”

At that moment Ian heard Frank’s voice behind him “Son?”

Ian turned around and smiled at his father “Your one and only.”

Frank walked up to him and wrapped his arms around his son “Good to have you back home.”

 

 

When Ian woke up that morning he decided he would take Mandy to the beach of Eldena, he wanted to ice skate with her.

He picked her up from school and they were driving out to Eldena, Ian could see the excitement in Mandy’s face. They got on the ice and Ian helped her putting on her skates, she stood up and smiled at him “I got even better at skating.”

“Really? Okay then show me.” Ian laughed, and Mandy darted forward, she turned around herself and laughed.

To see her happy like that made Ian feel a warmth in his heart, but on the other hand he felt a sharp sting because the last time he was out there on the ice was with Mickey.

Ian could feel the tears stinging in his eyes, but he swallowed them down and started to chase after Mandy on the ice.

 

Exhausted from the whole chasing and laughing Ian and Mandy laid down on the ice, they were silent for a few moments, before Ian asked “Mands?”

“Ian?” the little girl turned her head and looked at him.

“You remember the fairy tale?” Ian said quietly.

“Yes I do.” Mandy nodded, she looked away from him, to the sky.

Ian took her hand and squeezed it slightly “You wanna know how it ends?”

“Hmm.” Mandy nodded.

 

_“They were standing at the edge of the ice, glancing at the onshore. It was so close and yet so far. Behind them the jeweler came nearer and nearer, they could already hear her golden skates scratching over the ice._

_‘So I’m gonna drown.’ the little queen said and jumped head forward in the cold water. The blind white cat, whose blindness everyone already doubted, shook her head._

_‘Tz-tz-tz.’ she made, laid down on the ice and fell asleep._

_The asking one and the answering one were holding each others hands in front of their faces, so they wouldn’t see the little queen drowning._

_Just the boy of roses didn’t do anything, he jumped in the water right after the little queen, without any second thoughts._

_Somehow he managed to grab the little queen’s hand in the water, a small, helpless hand of a queen, they hold each other very tight._

_But they couldn’t swim against the current and the thaw water was icy. Then they felt that something was pulling them – something was pulling them against the current._

_The boy of roses came up and he saw the head of the sea lion beside him._

_His teeth were clinched in the sleeve of the little queen's coat and he was swimming with all his strength against the current, and suddenly they came further, they swam towards the other shore._

_The boy of roses saw that the sea lion needed all his strength, he was a strong swimmer but the current was stronger._

_The boy tried his best to help the sea lion, the current pulled and dragged on them, but they made it to the other shore._

_The sea lion crawled up to the beach with his last strength, he laid down there, he was at the end of his rope, his chest was heavy heaving up and down._

_The little queen laid her hand on his neck, so he would know she was there and that he brought her to the onshore._

_On the other shore the jeweler came to stop, she waved her hand, like she was calling for someone. Then they came, the ocean riders._

_At the edge of the ice they stopped their horses, maybe it was just a rumor that they were able to ride over the water. Or maybe the current was too strong._

_The jeweler pointed at the little group at the onshore and said ‘Do you see the sea lion?’ they heard her asking ‘He brought them to the onshore, the gray sea lion with the blue eyes.’_

_The boy knitted his eyebrows and looked down at the sea lion, she was right, his eyes weren’t gold anymore, they were blue, blue like ice._

_At that moment the ocean riders flew over the water, the boy of roses and the little queen stepped back, shocked. Then one of the ocean riders threw a net over the sea lion, they caught him._

_‘No.’ the little queen shouted, her eyes filled with tears and they fell down like a large thaw water river. Her tears were warming up the whole ocean within seconds. Someone who had a diamond heart had warm tears, warm and mighty like the sunlight._

_The ice melted and the ocean riders and the jeweler sank into the ocean, the current took them away. The current also took the answering and the asking one, the blind white cat and the lighthouse keeper with it._

_The sea lion was still caught in the net when the current took him away with it._

_‘He’s gone, my sea lion is gone.’ the little queen cried._

_‘My little queen, the current’s pretty strong and I don’t know how far it’s gonna take him away, but someday he’s gonna come back.’ the boy laid an arm on her shoulder._

_‘He saved me.’ the little queen whispered._

_‘Us.’ the boy said and a tear fell down his cheek._

_‘When he's gonna come back I’m gonna thank him for saving us, I'm gonna throw a huge festivity for him. I’m gonna cry, but now I can’t, my tears ran dry, but they’re gonna grow again. I’m gonna cry ‘til he comes back.’_

_‘Don’t cry.’ the boy said ‘Don’t cry ‘til he comes back. He knows he saved us and he doesn’t want you to cry. That you’re happy and save was all he ever wanted, my little queen. And ‘til he comes back, he’s with us in our hearts. Do you see that house on the hill?’_

_The little queen swallowed her growing tears and said ‘Yes, I can see it. There are blooming roses in the garden and someone’s watching the birds.’_

_‘Do you hear the music that comes out the windows?’ the boy asked ‘Piano and guitar. You could live there and make music instead of crying.’_

_The little queen nodded with a slight smile on her face.”_

 

“That’s the end of the fairy tale?” Mandy asked.

“That’s the end of the fairy tale.” Ian nodded.

“No.” Mandy said and sat up “No it’s not. The little queen decided something. She didn’t want to have a diamond heart anymore. She exchanged it with a normal heart. She kept the diamond heart in a box, and she would give it to the sea lion when he would come back, as thank you for saving her.”

“That’s a good idea.” Ian smiled at Mandy.

“Yes, so somehow it ended well, didn’t it?”

“It did. It was the biggest wish of the sea lion the little queen would reach the onshore. And his wish came true.” Ian said.

“Some days I miss him so bad, I don’t even want to go out of bed.” Mandy suddenly said.

Ian sat up and looked at her, he took off his glove and wiped away the tear from her cheek.

“It’s so beautiful to live with Frank and Monica, but I miss him so much. And I missed you.” she sniffed.

“But now I’m here Mandy. And Mickey's gonna be back soon.” Ian smiled at her “And I got a surprise for you. I wanted to say it at dinner but I’m telling you now.”

“What? What, Ian? Tell me.” Mandy asked excited.

“I’m gonna stay.” Ian said “I’m gonna go to College here. I’m gonna stay.”

“Really?” Mandy shouted and Ian nodded, Mandy wrapped her arms around Ian and they hugged each other. Ian really fucking missed the little girl and he knew it was the right decision to not go away for College.

 

They were sitting at the table, Mandy looked at Ian, widened her eyes and nodded a little.

Monica looked at her with knitted eyebrows “Is everything okay, sweetheart?”

“Yeah everything’s fine… uhm… I think Ian wants to tell you and Frank something really important.”

Ian rolled his eyes and swallowed the bite he had in his mouth “Thanks Mands… Mum… Dad… I’ve been thinking about….”

“Ian’s gonna go to College here.” Mandy blurt out, she couldn’t hold back, Ian was just too slow to tell them the news.

"Is that true?" Monica asked with a soft smile on her face, Frank looked with raised eyebrows at him.

"Yeah I already took care of everything, exams and inscription and stuff. I was away long enough the last few months. It was good, it was really good to be away a little from all that stuff that happened. I think it was what I really needed – a few months without responsibilities and almost no worries. I’ll be always thankful that you enabled this. But now I have the feeling that I need to pick up the responsibilities again and it feels right, I'm feeling ready now. And I will accept whatever is gonna happen … And I’m not gonna force anything … But when he’s back out I’ll be here… ‘cause I love him… time or all that other shit didn’t change anything about that fact… So is it okay for you guys if I go here to College?”

Monica jumped up from her seat and pulled Ian in a warm hug, she brushed through his red hair and said "Of course, it’s more than okay, honey."

Mandy wrapped her hands around Ian and Monica and joined their hug, Ian looked to her and smiled. Then he felt a warm hand on his shoulder, he looked up, Frank stood by his side, he didn't say anything, he just nodded and Ian nodded too.

 ******** **  
**January 2018****

Ian stood there his hands leaned on the handrail, looking out at the sea, the wind blew in his face, it was freezing out their.

The Café was already closed but that didn’t matter, he didn’t come out there to drink a coffee he wanted to be here alone, alone with his thoughts. Somehow it felt like the wind already brought a light smell of spring, but of course he only imagined that, the snow still covered the whole landscape, it was still winter and spring was far away.

Ian took out a cigarette from his pocket, lighted it and inhaled the smoke deeply in his chest. He started smoking a few months ago, he said he started only because Karen was smoking the whole time on their trip and somehow infected him with that shit, but probably he only started because the cigarettes reminded him of Mickey.

Ian closed his eyes, trying to hear the waves out in the ocean, but there was no noise out there, the sea was still frozen. Ian wished he had brought his earphones, he longed for the soothing voice of Cohen in his ears.

His mind wandered back to the day of the hearing, he still felt the cold of the gray walls of the court room. He could still see those beautiful pale blue eyes in front of him and how the ice in them melted when the judge said “I hereby sentence you to serve 12 months…”

After that sentence the soothing white noise washed over Ian’s ears, he didn’t hear anything else, all around him happened in slow motion, he was frozen. That feeling accompanied him a fucking long time.

Ian opened his eyes, took the last drag of his cigarette and flipped it away. Ian heard steps behind him, he didn’t turn around, probably it was someone who was too late to drink a coffee at the Café.

His hands were still leaning on the handrail, he let his head sink between his arms and exhaled loudly. It was cold out there, too cold to stand around.

Ian noticed that someone was standing beside him, just a few steps away, Ian rolled his eyes, he didn’t want to have a friendly conversation with a stranger, who thought it would be nice to talk to someone out there in the lonely dark.

Ian didn’t feel like talking, he didn’t feel like words out there in the cold.

In the dark shined a flame for just a millisecond, that someone lighted a cigarette, or at least he tried to.

Ian could hear silent cursing, before that someone stepped closer and asked “Since you’re smoking now, could you please borrow me your lighter, boy of roses?”

Ian startled, his head darted up, there he stood in his green military parka, the black woolen hat deep down in his face. Mickey, on his face was a bright smile.

“Mick.” Ian breathed.

Mickey’s eyes were shining like the sea on a bright warm summer day “Missed me?”

Ian took the last step between them and wrapped his arms tightly around the other boy, Mickey laughed and hugged him back.

“When… when did they release you? How... I thought in March...? What are you doing out here?” Ian stuttered.

“Today. Good behavior.” Mickey answered, he let go of Ian and said “What are _you_ doing here? It's too fucking cold to stand around here.”

Ian bit down his bottom lip and said “Yeah uhm I came out here to think a little....And somehow I was hoping I would find spring out here.”

Mickey nodded, he laid his hand on Ian’s cheek and caressed it gently, Ian leaned in Mickey’s touch before he said “Let’s go home. I bet Mandy freaks the fuck out when you walk through the door. She really fucking missed you, Mick.”

Ian took Mickey's hand and started to walk, but Mickey didn’t, he was still standing there, Ian turned around and looked at him with knitted eyebrows. Mickey pulled him back so Ian was standing right in front of him, he looked into his green eyes, leaned forward and pulled Ian in a hungry kiss. God he fucking missed this boy.

 

After a lot of screaming and cheering from Mandy, a soft hug from Monica and a hug from Frank. After a lot of stories and endless questions and answers.

After a lot of hungry kisses, hugs and touches, after a wonderful reunion, they were lying together in Ian’s bed, Mickey’s head laid on Ian’s shoulder, he was writing words on Ian’s bare chest and stomach.

“Fuck I missed you.” Mickey breathed and placed a kiss in Ian’s neck.

“You did?” Ian asked with raised eyebrows.

Mickey looked up to Ian and smiled “Of course I fucking did.”

“I missed you too.” Ian said and brushed with his fingers gently through Mickey's black hair.

Ian asked “You recognized something when you stepped in the house?”

“Yeah the air… it seems to be more yellow now.” Mickey nodded.

“Yeah that’s Mandy.” Ian smiled “She makes Frank and Monica happy.”

It was silent for a few seconds before Mickey asked “What about you Ian? Are you happy?”

“Now I am. It finally feels like home again.” Ian smiled and pressed Mickey close to him.

They closed their eyes, downstairs Monica played one of her Cohen records.

 _So your head upon my breast_  
_So my hand upon your hair_  
  And many nights endure  
_Without a moon or star_  
_So we will endure_  
_When one is gone and far_  
  True love leaves no traces

“Mick?” Ian whispered.

“Again? You're such a horny bastard.” Mickey laughed already half asleep.

Ian sighed, placed a kiss on Mickey's hair and whispered "I love you."

 

 ******** **  
**March 2018****

“What is that, Ian?” Mickey raised on of his eyebrows.

“Just open it.” Ian smiled at him, holding an envelope towards Mickey.

Mickey rolled his eyes, and mumbled something inaudible and grabbed the envelope from Ian's hand.

He opened it, knitted his eyebrows and smiled a little “Ian, I can't accept that....it's..”

“Of course you can, it's your birthday present. And it's not only for you, but also for me.” Ian smiled and placed a kiss on Mickey's lips.

“I don't want to leave Mandy alone for that long again.” Mickey said.

“A month isn't long. We call her every day or we skype or whatever. She'll be fine, Mick.” Ian laid his hand on Mickey's shoulder and squeezed it slightly “Please say yes.”

Mickey wrapped his arms around Ian's waist, placed a kiss on his lips and said “Thank you. But I'll choose where we go.”

Ian rolled his eyes “Fine. I only want to choose one destination.”

Mickey knitted his eyebrows, thought about it for a second and nodded “Okay. And that would be?”

“Norway.” Ian smiled brightly at the other boy.

 

 

“Wow, that's just wow.” Mickey stunned, he was lying on the back, his hands under his head, even the boy with all the beautiful words couldn't find the right ones to describe this beauty above them.

“Told you it would be stunning, life changing, breathtaking.” Ian quoted Karen, turned his head and smiled at him.

Above them the northern lights were showing their whole stunning beauty, that time that natural spectacle was even more beautiful than the last time Ian saw it. He didn't know if it was because the lights were greener and even brighter or if it was because of the boy beside him.

“I didn't think it would be that fucking beautiful.” Mickey's eyes were still pinned to the sky.

Ian couldn't took his glance off of Mickey, watching the other boy stunning over the beauty of the lights in the sky. He could see how the Mickey memorized every movement of the northern lights, how he put the words in his head together to tell Mandy exactly how it looked like. And maybe he would write it down, maybe someday Mickey would write it all down, a story about their life together, Ian would love to read their story in Mickey's words.

Ian had a fondly smile on his face when he whispered “Yeah it's really fucking beautiful.”

Mickey turned his head, his pale blue eyes met Ian's green eyes and he whispered “I love you, Ian.”

Ian leaned over Mickey and placed a kiss on his lips and breathed “I love you too.”

Ian took of his glove and his hand made his way under Mickey's winter coat, under his sweater and shirt 'til he found Mickey's bare skin.

“You serious?” Mickey laughed “It's fucking cold out here.”

“Yeah I'm serious, since I saw the northern lights for the first time I wanted to see them shining on your naked skin.” Ian whispered and placed kisses from Mickey's jaw down to his throat.

That moment seemed to be perfect, everything felt fucking right, finally everything was fucking good.

They both knew their life would never be perfect or easy, after all life was no fairy tale, but it still wrote beautiful stories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so so much for reading. I hope you enjoyed reading my story as much as I enjoyed writing it. <3  
> I decided to end the story totally different than the book 'cause I love my boys just too fucking much.


End file.
